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PHOTO OF NOTHING WINS POSTMODERN PRIZE

LONDON.  Marilyn Foster, a South African photographer, has been awarded the prestigious Calder Award for Postmodern Creative Art for her stunning black and white photo of nothing.  Foster’s photograph featured a bright white background with nothing... Read More

JESUS, MOHAMMED, AND YAHWEH APPOINTED TO BRITISH HOUSE OF LORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 17-03-2011 in Animals, Geography, History, Politics, Religion
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London.   The English House of Lords increased its membership by three by adding Jesus, Mohammed, and Yahweh as members.

 “It just seemed the right thing to do,” said Robert Pickwick, spokesperson for the House of Lords Appointments Committee.  “After all, we have about 740 members including 26 bishops.  How could we not include Lord Jesus, Lord Mohammed, and Lord Yahweh?”

Lords in House of Lords Their appointments, like all life peers, are for their entire life.  “Frankly, we have not faced the issue of what to do if one of them dies, but I guess we will if it ever happens,” said Pickwick.

The announcement set off a flurry of comments, some quite hostile.  The Agnostics Society said the appointment violated their right to be free from government adoption of religion, a claim that most would reject as inconsistent with the House of Lord’s historical representation of Bishops of the Church of England.

 Both members of the Ooltewah faith, a small nature-worshipping religion based in a cigar store in Liverpool, immediately began circulating a petition to have their god-figure, called Oolte, selected as a life peer in the next round of appointments.  Oolte, regarded as having the body of a very large gerbil, the feet of a millipede, and the head of Lyle Lovett, the American entertainer,  was first seen in a dream by Skye Oolte (formerly William Smithe) who was in a drunken stupor after attending  a Lyle Lovett concert.

 Mr. Pickwick, of the Appointments Committee, denied comment but said that he would look at any petitions he received for new positions in the House of Lords.

WORLD IN CHAOS BECAUSE OF CONFUSION OVER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME JINGLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 14-03-2011 in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language, Politics
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Washington, DC.  Mary Lynn Peterson had no idea how much chaos she would create when she launched the “new and improved” daylight savings reminder to “spring back then fall forward.”

For many years, people across the globe have remembered what to clockdo twice a year when Daylight Savings Time kicks in.  Each spring they would refer to the age-old saying to “spring forward” and in the fall to “fall back.”

May Lynn Peterson, a fourth grade teacher in Arlington, Virginia, had long been uncomfortable with this common rubric. “I always thought it was dumb to say “spring forward” when you are actually simply resetting your clock.  “Spring back” made more sense since it was a message to turn your clocks back to the time it was before Daylight Savings Time caused you to move them ahead an hour.”

“Similarly,” she continued, “’fall back’ made no sense since you were actually subtracting an hour, thus gaining an hour when you set your clocks back an hour to the time it was before you reset them last year.  Thus, “fall forward” is better since you get an extra hour to live each fall.”

Word of this improved model quickly spread by internet throughout the world.  People in every country began to advocate for one or the other jingle.  Legislators in Sri Lanka adopted Peterson’s new approach, while those in India voted to stick with the tried-and-true model.  Advocates of both models clashed in Moscow, Beijing, and New York, causing at least twenty deaths so far.

President Obama has called for restraint and understanding, and has formally asked Congress to adopt the new Peterson approach to clarify the difficulties surrounding the time switch twice each year.

The Tea Party blamed the violence on Obama and big government’s interference in the international time conventions.  “Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms and off their wrists,” said Tea Party Spokesperson Carole Thompson of Marietta, Georgia. “Let the market decide the time system.  Whether it is noon or five o’clock should be decided by market forces, not the stupidity of big government.  If a state wants to change the system entirely, it should be permitted to do so.  The Constitution does not mention time-setting and my God-given rights are violated every time the government gets involved in my life.”

DOG ACTUALLY BARKS “WOOF”

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 21-02-2011 in Animals, Language, Nature
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Tallahassee.  Wayne Loganski came home from his favorite bar last Saturday night and discovered that his dog, William, now actually barks “woof.”

Loganski, a plumber, was amazed when William clearly said “woof” in welcoming Loganski home from a routine drunken binge “It was incredible,” said Loganski.  “Everyone knows dogs don’t actually say “woof” or even “arf.” 

William’s woof-bark has been received well by humans but less enthusiastically by other dogs.  For reasons that Loganski does not understand, other dogs now refuse to play with William or even sniff his behind.  “He is an outcast pure and simple,” said Loganski.

Professor Guido Seidenfeld of Florida State University’s School of Veterinary Medicine in Tallahassee reported in a professional journal that William may be the only dog on earth who barks with a “woof” sound.dog-woof

“We thought ‘woof’ was just a made-up description of the bark of a canine, but apparently it is more than fiction,” said Dr. Seidenfeld in a telephone interview.  “So far we have no idea why William says “woof,” though one of my colleagues thinks William is simply mimicking a bark he heard on television.”

“My research team and I have now begun an international study to assess what sounds dogs actually make when they bark.  No researcher has ever even asked the question much less explored this important issue.  So far we have obtained $35 million in government stimulus money for our project and we hope to get another $100 million from federal earmarks.

“We fully expect this research to be even more significant than our last project where we measured the number of times a dog scratches when it has fleas.”

BACHMANN WANTS TEA PARTY TO ADOPT HEADLESS HORSEMAN AS ITS OFFICIAL MASCOT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson on 27-01-2011 in Election 2012, History, Inventions, Politics, Religion
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Washington.  In a speech to Tea Party loyalists, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann called on the Tea Party to adopt the Headless Horseman as its official mascot.

“”I suggest that the Tea Party adopt the Headless Horseman as its symbol and mascot,” said a beaming Bachmann addressing a small crowd of cheering Tea Party activists in Washington to protest both a government-gone-wild with excess spending and the possible cut in Social Security and Medicare benefits to elderly Americans.

Bachmann enthusiastically yelled, “What could be more appropriate than this Revolutionary War symbol that celebrates George Washington’s God-inspired walk across the top of the waters of the Potomac when he uttered the words that Americans will never forget, ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

When asked for a comment, MSNBC host Chris Matthews screeched, “She’s an idiot!  She knows nothing about American history.  The Headless Horseman is in a work of fiction by Washington Irving.  And George Washington said, ‘I cannot tell a lie,’ not ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

Bachmann’s response to Matthews HeadlessHorsemanwas pithy and biting, “He’s an idiot who knows nothing about American history.”

Matthews’ response to Bachmann’s response was short and sweet.  “She’s an idiot.”

President Obama, choosing to walk the middle ground in this now spirited public dispute, was quoted as saying, “I can understand both of their views but it is now the time to move ahead and drastically cut federal spending without removing any benefits from anyone.  I know we can do it.  Remember, we are Americans. We invented the internet and everything else.”

VENTRILOQUIST PROJECTS OWN VOICE

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 25-01-2011 in Arts, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language, Leisure
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Miami.  Ventriloquist Samuel “The Voice” Pether has finally perfected the art of projecting his own voice as if it were coming from his own mouth.

man alone on stage “I have been working on this my whole life,” said a proud Pether, an experienced ventriloquist who has performed throughout the world for almost forty years.  “I had gotten pretty good at the usual suspects:  JFK, DeNiro, Obama, John Wayne, and Cheney.  But I just couldn’t crack the ultimate challenge:  me!

 “At first,” he said, “I thought it would be impossible.  It is hard to hear yourself and especially hard to imitate your own voice.  I must have tried it a million times before I got it right.

 “My wife confirmed it.  She walked into the bathroom where I was rehearsing and told me I sounded just like myself.  I literally squealed with joy when she said it.  You can’t imagine how pleased I was. Now I can’t wait to hear what I have to say!”

Audiences have reacted enthusiastically to this part of Pether’s act.  At a recent performance, one man actually shouted “Bravo” and another wept when Pether spent five minutes imitating himself talking to himself about a dog they had in common. 

 “I have never seen anything like it,” said an admiring fiftyish woman who attended the performance.  “Simply stunning! Stunning.!”

BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

Posted by Jeremy Mobius on 29-11-2010 in Animals, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Sex Matters
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New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.

“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of cancer cellmedicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility.  “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread.  I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”

“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team.  “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell.  It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small.  But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”

President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research.  “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”

SNAKE WITH TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE BODIES FOUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 22-11-2010 in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Human Body, Nature
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Madagascar.  French scientists have found the world’s first dual-body living creature when they discovered a snake made up of two entirely separate and independent bodies with different coloring, gender, and DNA chromosomes.

The snake, tentatively called corpora dualis snakus, was found by accident by a team of  zoologists from the Sorbonne attempting to catalog animals in a rapidly disappearing rain forest in Eastern Madagascar.

Professor Pierre Duguy, head of the expedition, said that his native guides saw the two snakes in separate trees about thirty feet above ground.  They climbed the trees and captured both. 

Close examination by veterinarians snakesconfirmed that though the two snakes differed in both color and gender, they are actually one snake with two separate and independent bodies. DNA analysis found that even the DNA was different despite the fact the snakes were one animal.

“Nothing like this has ever been found before,” said Professor Duguy.  “Imagine one animal with two bodies that are of different sexes, different colors, and quite different DNA.  This may well call for a re-examination of our notion of personhood.  After all, if one snake can somehow evolve into two entire separate ones, perhaps people can do the same.

“And so far we have found one snake with two bodies.  But what if this snake has even more bodies, maybe hundreds or even thousands?”

WORKER TOO BUSY FOR FAST FOOD

Posted by Sullivan Lawson on 20-11-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Inventions, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
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burger and friesNew York.  Philip Begley, a lawyer with a large Wall Street law firm, is now too busy  for fast food.

“I used to eat fast food all the time,” said Begley.   “I loved hamburgers and Nathan’s hot dogs, but I am so overwhelmed that I just don’t have the time to get fast food.

“You have no idea how long it takes to get a quarter pounder, even if the store is not busy.  Last month I tried one more time but it took me almost two minutes to get my order. I don’t have that time to waste.”

McDonald’s issued a statement noting that “This is a serious issue that we have been aware of for several years.  Our staff is working on it night and day.  One thing we are addressing is how to get our food out much faster.  In this modern world, people just don’t have the luxury of waiting to get their fast food.

“One possibility, still in the early development stage, is to deliver our food over the internet and eventually through cell phones.  This could allow us to fill orders instantly and in the place where our busy customers are working.  Imagine how much time our patrons will save when we get over the minor technical hurdles that currently prevent us from delivering our food products over the internet or cell phone. 

“In the not too distant future you will be able to have a tasty McDonald’s hamburger or shake delivered to your cell phone and at a click of an app, the picture of the food will be reconstituted into the real thing.  Hot and delicious, as if we had just prepared it for you at one of our fine restaurants. We may even include an American flag with the order to symbolize American ingenuity!”

NORTH DAKOTA MAN ON FBI’S “LEAST WANTED LIST” FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 18-11-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Leisure
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Fargo, N.D.  Delmar Foxspin of rural North Dakota has just been placed on the FBI’s “Ten Least Wanted List” for the seventeenth consecutive year.

“I cannot tell you what an honor this is,” said an embarrassed Foxspin.  “Frankly, I have never done anything at all my entire life and I was shocked to receive this incredible news. 

“I have no family, no friends, no job, no address, no money, no car; nothing.  Who would have thought that someone like me from North Dakota would be selected by the FBI!  I am overwhelmed and so grateful.”

When contacted for information about the award, FBI wantedFBI Special Agent Valerie Thomas said “we cannot comment on official activities but I can tell you that we had many, many candidates this year and the choice was especially difficult.  You have no idea how many people there are who no one cares about and have never done anything interesting.”

“Mr. Foxspin’s repeated placement on this list is remarkable since it is so hard to do absolutely nothing for an entire year.   I hope school children throughout the world will take him as a role model. With more people like him the world would be a far safer place.”

CHINESE FINALLY INVENT CHOPKNIFE TO GO WITH CHOPSTICKS

Posted by Tracy West on 18-11-2010 in Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure
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Beijing.  After 1700 years of experimentation, Chinese scientists have just completed Phase One work on a chopknife to be used with chopsticks.

The chopstick was invented several thousand years ago by Chinese peasants who needed something to eat with other than their hands, which were dirty from working in sweatshops making designer apparel for the upscale American market.

These wooden chopsticks are still used throughout the world in Chinese restaurants and even in China proper, despite the invention of the metal fork, spoon, and knife.

Chinese intellectuals have long recognized the need for other items to supplement the use of chopsticks which are not very good for chopping, cutting, or consuming soup. Yesterday’s announcement that a chopknife was invented brought cheers from millions of chopstick enthusiasts.

The prototype chopknife is made of wood and is designed to cut meat and other block of wooditems.  Unfortunately, the first version is a large square block of wood three inches on each side with a small hole in it. Early test results indicate it has limited cutting utility.  One scholar, who insisted on anonymity,  suggested that this could be because it has no cutting surface.

Professor Ming Chang who announced the technological breakthrough, noted that “we are aware that the first model of the chopknife has some minor functional problems but our research team fully expects to work them out in the next few years. 

“Until then,” said Professor Chang, “people may find that the chopknife is very useful for pounding and squashing and the little hole in it can be used for storing tiny things.                                                     

“Our team is also working on a chopstick-like implement to be used for consuming soup.  Our initial model is a hollow chopstick that can be used as both a straw for liquids like soup and beer as well as a traditional chopstick for eating solid food.  We will keep the world apprised of our progress.”

CHINESE AND JEWS CELEBRATE YEAR OF S(CH)MUCK

Posted by Sullivan Lawson on 16-11-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language
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Beijing.  For the first time in recorded history, the Chinese and Jewish New Years overlap both in date and in nomenclature.  Jews all over the world will observe the Year of the cooking stick over fireSchmuck while Chinese everywhere will soon begin to celebrate the much-anticipated Year of Smuck.  In both Mandarin and Yiddish, the term schmuck (pronounced “smuck” in Mandarin) means jerk.  (The French call it “schmu,” omitting the last two letters.)

While the two will observe similar holidays, the symbols utilized by them will differ markedly.  Jews symbolize this year by pictures of Moses riding a camel heading in the wrong moses on cameldirection from Egypt.  The equivalent Chinese representation is of the legendary General Tso cooking  a stick over an open fire.

Despite these differences, the holiday will be festive and fun, especially for the children.  David Greenberg, a 7-year old from Kew Gardens, New York, said, “I can’t wait for the New Year.  I’ll finally be 8-years old and can smoke cigarettes like grandpa.”  When his mother Rose reminded him that the New Year is not the same as his birthday, young David responded, “Well, maybe I’ll get good presents at least.”

Liu Wah-Fong, a precious 5 year-old from Chinatown in New York, was equally happy.  “I can’t wait.  Mommy said we get to play like we are steaks which should be great fun.  His mother corrected her, “I said you get to play like you are snakes, not steaks.”  Liu began to cry and was not available to complete the interview.

MAN LOSES ONE MILLION SOCKS: NEW GUINNESS RECORD

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 16-11-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions, Tragedies
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socksDublin, Ireland.  Guinness has confirmed that Malcolm McGrady, a Dublin dentist, has established a new world’s record by losing a million single socks over his 68 year lifetime.

“I don’t know what happens to them,” said a thoughtful McGrady.  “Every time I do a wash a bunch of socks just disappear.  The same thing happened to me Mum when I was a wee thing.  Baby socks somehow got lost so much that Mum used to buy them by the gross.”

Professor DeWitt Canbury, the Nobel winning geneticist at Cambridge University, said the remarkable achievement may open up an entirely new area of genetic research.  “Never before have we seen  what appears to be a genetic trait that involves  extreme careless behavior.  I plan on presenting a speculative paper on this intriguing subject at the next international conference.”

The Global Sock Company’s President, Chow Fong, issued a statement congratulating McGrady on a “most important achievement.  As the world’s largest manufacturer of socks, we hope that we produced at least some of the socks that were lost.  This would be our small contribution to an accomplishment that may never be duplicated on earth.”

TOO BIG TO FAIL: CONGRESS GIVES STIMULUS MONEY TO NY YANKEES

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 28-04-2010 in Business, Politics, Studies of the Rich
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Washington, DC. President Obama signed a new law giving the New York Yankees $3 billion in stimulus money to pay for quality free agents.

“I hated to do it considering the deficit,” said President Obama at a press conference held immediately after the signing in the Oval Office. “But we’re talking about the Yankees. NY YankeesFrankly, they are just too big to fail. No American would want the government to stand by and watch a baseball icon not win the World Series every single year. It would be worse than letting Chrysler or Ford or Citi Bank fail. Pretty soon the Japanese would field the dominant baseball team and literally thousands of American jobs would be sent overseas. “

“A bold move,” said Nobel Economist Helen Patel. “By one stroke of the pen President Obama has ensured continued American dominance in an arena many other countries would like to enter on an even playing field.”

“This is really cool,” said Sal Alterio of the Bronx. “The Yankees is the beast. Obama is the man. He plays basketball, you know. I don’t get the bank stuff but, hey, this is the Yankees.”

Robert Patterson of Boston was not as enthusiastic. “This sucks,” muttered Patterson, an unemployed cook and rabid Red Sox fan. “Why would Obama help the Yankees who don’t need help and ignore the Sox who could use a few more stars. Doesn’t seem fair to me.”

WALL STREET DEREGULATES CONGRESS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 21-04-2010 in Business, History, Politics
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wall street street signNew York.  At a secret meeting of the leaders of virtually every Wall Street investment and legal firm, it was unanimously decided that Congress should be deregulated so that “market forces can be freed to release the financial colossus of the American economy.”

“We have gone too long with a Congress that is hamstringing the American economy with rules and regulations that seriously impede Wall Street’s ability to do what it does best:  allow the American economy and the American worker to thrive.” said a person who attended the session but agreed to be quoted only on the condition of anonymity. 

The source continued, “From now on, all these stupid, short-sighted government policies dealing with health, safety, the stock market and banks as well as those limiting the income and benefits of Members of Congress will be repealed and replaced by the market forces, which is the greatest protection Americans could ever have.”

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R. Ohio) immediately endorsed capitol-hill-buildingthe concept of deregulating Congress.  “It is about time that we extend the free market economy to Congress where it has been sorely lacking.  Getting rid of useless laws and regulations and freeing members of Congress to take full advantage of the economic benefits of serving the people should produce a far more productive lawmaking body.”

ARMY ISSUES SNUGGIES TO ALL SOLDIERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 20-04-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Inventions, Leisure
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Washington, DC.  The Department of the Army today announced that starting early next year it would issue camouflage Snuggies, the fleece blanket with sleeves, to all soldiers stationed anywhere in the world.

“The Army has been looking for the UCO (Universal Clothing Option) for years and finally found it a few months ago when one of our soldiers, Specialist Molly Drake, saw an ad on television and alerted her commanding officer who, in turn, contacted the Pentagon’s Office of Procurement,” said a statement issued by the Army’s Public Relations Bureau.

Fashion_Snuggie_Reyn4_t607“We have now ordered three million camouflage Snuggies and got a terrific deal:  two for the price of one plus shipping and handling!  The Snuggies will keep our fighting men and women warm while allowing their hands to be free for hand-to-hand combat.   The Snuggie is also big enough to allow the soldier to keep a weapon underneath the cloth, thereby hiding it from both the enemy and the elements.  Plus, the Snuggie is soft and will be good for morale as it will remind our brave soldiers of the teddy bear they snuggled with as infants. And they can even use it as a blanket or mattress when sleeping!”

“I love my Snuggie,” said Captain William Feld of the Special Forces.  “I can’t wait until the battle is over so I can cuddle up with my favorite book and my Snuggie.  Finally the Army got something right!”

STUDIES OF THE RICH: BEING RICH IS EXPENSIVE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson on 19-04-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
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Chicago.  A new study by the University of Chicago’s Affluence Project concluded that it is expensive to be really rich.

Economics Professor Vitaly Thomford reported on the Affluence Project’s ten-year study of the Very Rich, defined as having a net worth of over $25 million.  The Project was seeking unique patterns of behavior that distinguish the Very Rich from the Rich (defined as having a net worth between $3-25 million).

After an exhaustive review of 9000 Very Rich people, the study found that these people spent a lot of money.  “The rich-personshort version,” according to Professor Thomford, “is that it costs a lot of money to be very rich.  For example, one very wealthy man bought a car worth over $100,000, another bought a home for over $3 million, and one person in our study even did both of these.  Only rarely will you see the ordinary person spend money this way.”

The study created quite a buzz among economists worldwide.  Dr. Thomford’s name was even mentioned by several scholars as a possible Nobel Prize candidate.  “You don’t see insight like this every day,” said Professor Orito Nagamuchi of Tokyo University.

REPUBLICANS VOW TO REPEAL ALL FEDERAL TAXES; GOVERNMENT—NOT THE PEOPLE—TO PAY FOR GOVERNMENT EXPENDITURES

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 15-04-2010 in Business, Inventions, Politics
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Uncle Sam pocketsWashington.  The head of the Republican Party revealed its plan, the Blueprint for an Efficient America, that will repeal 100% of all federal taxes and, instead, have the government itself pay for its own expenditures.

“We think this will make life easier for all Americans of this great country and will force the government to be more efficient since it will now be spending its own money rather than that of the American taxpayer, who has paid to support this spendthrift government for over a thousand years,” said Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  “Now the baby will have to provide for itself.  It’s about time!”

“Finally something sensible out of Washington,” said Robert Billy Foster, Chair of Tea Party United, an umbrella group for the tea party movement.  “From now on if the government wants to spend any money it will have to either print new money, borrow, or go to an ATM machine. Americans will be able to earn and spend their own money without having to prop up a wasteful ungodly government. Tea party members will now move to having the states adopt the same approach.  Imagine, no sales tax, no property tax, no income tax!”

Dr. William Yu, Harvard’s Nobel Prize winning economist, was speechless when he heard about the Republican plan, uttering only a succinct, “Huh?”   This sentiment was echoed by Alan Greenspan, the former head of the Federal Reserve who said, “Would you say that again?”

MAN MAKES ONLY SOUNDS THAT ARE IN THE DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 14-04-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Literature
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San Rafael, CA.  Ben Nelson, a bright 24 year-old English teacher, decided that from now on he would only utter sounds that comprise words in the Oxford Dictionary.

“I just want to sound erudite for my friends.  So I figured that I could dictionaryaccomplish this if I only made sounds that were words in the dictionary.  I never realized how much of a struggle the undertaking would be.  For example, I can’t laugh, grunt, or cry since none is in the dictionary at this time.

“The biggest problem was when I cut off the end of my finger with a sharp knife last weekend.  I couldn’t even yelp or express pain other than to say, ‘Goodness, I think I just cut off my finger and it hurts very much.’

“I still have many unanswered questions about what I am supposed to do.  Can I pant after a long jog?  How about clapping at a concert or passing wind?  A kiss that makes a smacking sound?”

Terence Bradford, Chief Editor of the Oxford Dictionary, was impressed with Nelson’s efforts and promised that the staff would try to add to the dictionary words that spell the kind of sounds that Nelson makes, but admitted that the group was especially frustrated by its inability to spell the sound made when a person passes wind. “We have listened to recordings of this sound but just can’t crack the word barrier. This is our ultimate challenge.”

BIRTH CERTIFICATE PROVES O’BAMA IS IRISH

Posted by Tracy West on 13-04-2010 in Election 2008, History, Politics
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Dublin, Ireland.  After years of speculation about the birth of President O’Bama, an anonymous source produced the official birth certificate of the President and established conclusively that he was born in Cork, Ireland, and was named Barney O’Bama at 7:24 P.M. on August 4, 1961.

“I knew there was something Irish about him,” said Conor O’Neill,barack_obama_caricature_irish_ireland President of the Republic of Ireland.  “You could tell it in his face, maybe the twinkle in his wee eye.  He actually looks very Irish. Everyone is so proud to have one of us now the President of the United States. Actually, this should not have surprised anyone;  in Gaelic the word “O’Bama” means  “big ears.”

Senator John McCain, defeated  by O’Bama in 2008, issued a formal statement that he had always suspected “O’Bama was not a real American.  Now we know he was not pretending not to be a Muslim; he was actually pretending not to be Irish.  My staff is now investigating whether O’Bama is even eligible to serve as President because of his Irish birth.

 “Since I was the runner-up in the election, I assume I’ll automatically be sworn in as President should the Irishman be ineligible to serve.”  When reminded that the Constitution specifically provided for a line of succession if the President becomes incapable of holding the office, Senator McCain said, “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

NEW GUINNESS RECORD: MAN INCOMPREHENSIBLE IN EVERY LANGUAGE

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 31-03-2010 in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Language
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Salem, Illinois.  The Guinness Book of World Records announced that Tom Richards, a farmer from the small town of Salem, Illinois, has achieved what no one else in the world has ever accomplished:  he is incomprehensible in every single language.

“This is a most amazing accomplishment,” said Professor Nicole Harbwhat-did-you-say of the Yale Linguistics Department.  “There are as many as 8,000 languages and no one has ever been totally incomprehensible in all of them.  Sure, we have had some people who did not speak Mandarin or even Russian, but not one who could not be understood in any language on earth.”

Though Tom Richards could not be interviewed for this article because of communication problems, his wife, Helen, said, “Tom has always wanted to be in the Guinness book and thought this might be an area he could excel in.  You have no idea how hard he has worked for the past 25 years to not be understood in any language.  I think the hardest part was English since he knew English pretty good and it was flat out almost impossible for him to be totally incomprehensible in it.  But the work paid off.  Why now, even our cows don’t understand him when he tries to call them at the end of the day and I have no idea at all what he says.  I am so proud of him.”