ATHENS. The International Olympics Committee today announced a major return to historical roots and added six traditional games and deleted four current groups of events.
The press release stated that the Committee decided to reinvigorate the Olympics by returning to the games that were played when the Olympics were first held in 776 BC. “We must go back to our roots when the games were convened in Olympia in honor of Zeus,” said Hector Lopez for the Olympics Committee.
Starting in 2014, six new sports will be added: killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.
Because of time constraints, the following sports will no longer be sanctioned: all track and field events, all events involving snow, and anything using a ball.
Lopez said proudly, “To further experience our origins, we will now start the games by sacrificing 100 oxen. Our officials will use sundials to time the events and everyone, including swimmers, must wear a toga. It will be a true renaissance!”
The world sporting community reacted enthusiastically to the changes. “Track and field and skiing were getting boring,” said Woljkxwrr Bprwqthxbwz of the Polish Olympic Community. “Our athletes are already beginning to train for the exciting new events.”