PARIS. In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.
The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine. French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.
“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter. “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like. Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them. We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say. I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”
Not all French agree with Dumont. Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever. “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists. We would be powerless to do anything!”
In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines. The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size. It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide. It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings. It can also be used to cut tomatoes.