ATHENS. The Scoring Committee of the International Olympics Committee has reached an impasse over how to score the new Olympic sport of “being mean” to be first offered at the 2016 Summer Games.
Four years ago the International Committee approved “being mean” as a sport in a commendable effort to fully recognize the important contributions made by “every segment of humanity.” Primarily advocated by warlords from Afghanistan and Somalia and two former military officers from the Balkans who are sought by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity, the competitors will have to exhibit “inappropriate cruelty” toward various categories of vulnerable people, such as the elderly or orphans.
In order to provide specific guidance to the international cast of judges for this competition, the Scoring Committee has been considering various combinations of objective skills such as the creative use of force, elegant harsh words, offensive tone of voice, and mean-but-not-too-mean facial expressions.
The new sport has triggered a host of issues surrounding who is eligible to participate in the 2016 Summer Games. Warlords from 16 areas of Afghanistan and 37 parts of Africa have already filed the necessary petitions to be recognized as Sovereign Areas which can send four-man teams to compete. Two biker gangs and four German skinhead groups have also submitted applications.
Hector Lopez, speaking for the Olympics Committee, released a statement that “we fully expect to sort through the petitions in plenty of time for the athletes to prepare for this exciting new competition.”
ATHENS. The International Olympics Committee shocked the sports world by announcing even another innovation for the 2016 Summer Games: knock-knock joke telling.
As reported first in Sort of the News in October 2011, the Committee already added six new games for 2016: killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.
The most recent announcement by Hector Lopez for the Committee involves telling the most knock-knock jokes in 1 minute, 37 seconds. The rules require the athlete to assume both roles in the knock-knock dialogue which must be presented in either English or standard sign language. The athlete must laugh sincerely after each knock-knock joke for at least 3 seconds.
“We are continuing to listen to the billions of Olympic fans who have demanded the new sport which has overtaken the international imagination,” said Lopez. “While in the past the youngest athlete to compete was 15 years old, with the new knock-knock sport we anticipate athletes as young as four and as old as 107 may be able to enter the contest.”
Topeville Kansas. After being voted the Most Boring Man at the Factory, Bob Smith officially changed hs name to boB Smith to add some spice to his life.
Smith, a quiet 50 year-old man who had worked in the Utex Factory warehouse for 32 years, received the “honor” at the annual employees’ annual banquet where he was given a tee shirt memorializing the award. “Frankly, it hurt my feelings,” said Smith. “Then I decided that there may be a bit of truth in the award. So I decided to take a bold step to electrify my image. I went to court and had my first name changed to boB from Bob.”
“I think it helped,” he reported. “I have seen a slight change from how people react to me when I tell them my name is boB and ask them to use my new name instead of the boring “Bob.” I even pronounce the new one differently, saying “My name is boB—uhh” to provide the proper emphasis on the last letter of my new name.”
An attractive co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous, told a reporter that the change has had a big impact at the warehouse. “All the girls are talking about it and more than a few say that boB–uhh is a lot sexier than he used to be when he went by plain old Bob.”