Cambridge, England. In a modern version of the chicken-egg controversy, geneticists at Cambridge University have solved the ancient question of whether a peanut evolved from a duck or whether a duck evolved from a peanut or a rock.
Using the latest DNA techniques, Cambridge scientists have concluded their ten-year project examining the DNA of peanuts, rocks, and ducks. Sir Henry Flatstone, speaking for the Cambridge Genetics Project, announced that the working group has “conclusively established that peanuts evolved from ducks despite previous scientific conjecture that ducks came from peanuts. We also investigated the theory, started by Euclid and held by a handful of geneticists, that ducks evolved from rocks.”
“Once we gave it a go after a few years of lassitude, we were able to extract a full set of DNA from a peanut, a rock and a duck,” said Flatstone. “Our computers then compared them at sixteen million separate points and found, though there were remarkable similarities, that ducks came first. Peanuts began to develop when a dwarf molecule at the 17th chromosome of a mallard duck somehow changed into what is likely a tiny peanut that resembled a very small Pee Wee Herman but evolved over the next two million years into the peanut we know today. Rocks, it turned out, are not related to any known animal, including ducks, and so are a separate species.”
The scientific community, not surprisingly, was buzzing about the discovery and more than one geneticist predicted that Flatstone could be on his way to a Nobel Prize in something or other.
Paint Creek, TX. Rick Perry’s second grade teacher, Matilda Gonzalez, explained Governor Rick Perry’s inability in a Republican debate to remember the third of three federal departments he would close . She recalled that he never learned to count to more than two.
“He was a bit, well, not the sharpest spur on the boots,” said Gonzalez who taught Perry when he was a seven year-old child in the small West Texas town of Paint Creek. “All the other kids in the second grade could count to 100 but poor Ricky was stuck on two. He just couldn’t get in his mind that there were numbers above two.”
“We worried about him, of course, but were confident he would not have to use his rather poor math skills doing day labor in Paint Creek. We were shocked when he became a politician. But then we realized that where could you get a good job other than politics if you couldn’t count above two.”
Arlington, VA. The Child Protective League announced that it had discovered a cute two-year-old tot who was actually raised by a family of pumpkins.
James Gobbert, an investigator for the League, did not expect to find what he found when he responded to a report of a suspicious family life for William Walters, an adorable two-year-old boy. Going to the child’s home, Gobbert was shocked to discover it was inhabited by a large family of orange pumpkins. The Leader of the Pumpkins, whose name was Big Orange, said that someone left Walters on the doorstep almost two years ago and the family voted to adopt him.
Gobbert immediately took the child into custody and raced to a local hospital’s emergency room where physicians found him to be perfectly healthy. “I was surprised, “said Gobbert. “The kid was adorable, well adjusted, and happy, so I took him back to his pumpkin family and closed the file. No reason to waste time on kids in good homes when there are so many ones who need help.”
ATHENS. The International Olympics Committee today announced a major return to historical roots and added six traditional games and deleted four current groups of events.
The press release stated that the Committee decided to reinvigorate the Olympics by returning to the games that were played when the Olympics were first held in 776 BC. “We must go back to our roots when the games were convened in Olympia in honor of Zeus,” said Hector Lopez for the Olympics Committee.
Starting in 2014, six new sports will be added: killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.
Because of time constraints, the following sports will no longer be sanctioned: all track and field events, all events involving snow, and anything using a ball.
Lopez said proudly, “To further experience our origins, we will now start the games by sacrificing 100 oxen. Our officials will use sundials to time the events and everyone, including swimmers, must wear a toga. It will be a true renaissance!”
The world sporting community reacted enthusiastically to the changes. “Track and field and skiing were getting boring,” said Woljkxwrr Bprwqthxbwz of the Polish Olympic Community. “Our athletes are already beginning to train for the exciting new events.”
Oak Brook, Ill. McDonald’s announced today the invention of its Superdupergigantichugeburger, which is twenty-six inches tall and contains over 42,000 calories, and will literally reduce malnutrition throughout the world.
“In our quest to have McDonald’s provide an answer to food shortages around the world, our research team has long been working on a sandwich that would literally substitute for several months of food needs,” said Clipper Rotunda a spokesperson for McDonald’s. “I am so proud to announce we have succeeded. If a starving child or adult eats one of our Superdupergigantichugeburgers, he or she will not need any more food for at least sixty days. Our preliminary research shows that newborn babies are especially fond of the taste of this delicious sandwich.”
World reaction was prompt and positive. A press release by the United Nations stated, “Rarely has a private company solved a pervasive international tragedy. McDonald’s has done this. We are now in the process of ordering twenty-two million Superedupergigantichugeburgers to relieve starvation of every man, woman and child in Eastern Africa .”
The news caused McDonald’s stock to soar because of projected massive purchases by the United Nations and McDonald’s outlets in Mississippi .
Though McDonald’s was vague in describing the new sandwich, sources within the McDonald research team reported it contained 32 pounds of meat, was 25 inches in diameter, and included 9 heads of lettuce, 14 onions, 67 pickle slices, and both ketchup and a secret mustard recipe.