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BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and... Read More

JESUS, MOHAMMED, AND YAHWEH APPOINTED TO BRITISH HOUSE OF LORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Geography, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 17-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

London.   The English House of Lords increased its membership by three by adding Jesus, Mohammed, and Yahweh as members.

 “It just seemed the right thing to do,” said Robert Pickwick, spokesperson for the House of Lords Appointments Committee.  “After all, we have about 740 members including 26 bishops.  How could we not include Lord Jesus, Lord Mohammed, and Lord Yahweh?”

Lords in House of Lords Their appointments, like all life peers, are for their entire life.  “Frankly, we have not faced the issue of what to do if one of them dies, but I guess we will if it ever happens,” said Pickwick.

The announcement set off a flurry of comments, some quite hostile.  The Agnostics Society said the appointment violated their right to be free from government adoption of religion, a claim that most would reject as inconsistent with the House of Lord’s historical representation of Bishops of the Church of England.

 Both members of the Ooltewah faith, a small nature-worshipping religion based in a cigar store in Liverpool, immediately began circulating a petition to have their god-figure, called Oolte, selected as a life peer in the next round of appointments.  Oolte, regarded as having the body of a very large gerbil, the feet of a millipede, and the head of Lyle Lovett, the American entertainer,  was first seen in a dream by Skye Oolte (formerly William Smithe) who was in a drunken stupor after attending  a Lyle Lovett concert.

 Mr. Pickwick, of the Appointments Committee, denied comment but said that he would look at any petitions he received for new positions in the House of Lords.

WORLD IN CHAOS BECAUSE OF CONFUSION OVER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME JINGLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language, Politics
Posted on 14-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Mary Lynn Peterson had no idea how much chaos she would create when she launched the “new and improved” daylight savings reminder to “spring back then fall forward.”

For many years, people across the globe have remembered what to clockdo twice a year when Daylight Savings Time kicks in.  Each spring they would refer to the age-old saying to “spring forward” and in the fall to “fall back.”

May Lynn Peterson, a fourth grade teacher in Arlington, Virginia, had long been uncomfortable with this common rubric. “I always thought it was dumb to say “spring forward” when you are actually simply resetting your clock.  “Spring back” made more sense since it was a message to turn your clocks back to the time it was before Daylight Savings Time caused you to move them ahead an hour.”

“Similarly,” she continued, “’fall back’ made no sense since you were actually subtracting an hour, thus gaining an hour when you set your clocks back an hour to the time it was before you reset them last year.  Thus, “fall forward” is better since you get an extra hour to live each fall.”

Word of this improved model quickly spread by internet throughout the world.  People in every country began to advocate for one or the other jingle.  Legislators in Sri Lanka adopted Peterson’s new approach, while those in India voted to stick with the tried-and-true model.  Advocates of both models clashed in Moscow, Beijing, and New York, causing at least twenty deaths so far.

President Obama has called for restraint and understanding, and has formally asked Congress to adopt the new Peterson approach to clarify the difficulties surrounding the time switch twice each year.

The Tea Party blamed the violence on Obama and big government’s interference in the international time conventions.  “Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms and off their wrists,” said Tea Party Spokesperson Carole Thompson of Marietta, Georgia. “Let the market decide the time system.  Whether it is noon or five o’clock should be decided by market forces, not the stupidity of big government.  If a state wants to change the system entirely, it should be permitted to do so.  The Constitution does not mention time-setting and my God-given rights are violated every time the government gets involved in my life.”