Tallahassee. Wayne Loganski came home from his favorite bar last Saturday night and discovered that his dog, William, now actually barks “woof.”
Loganski, a plumber, was amazed when William clearly said “woof” in welcoming Loganski home from a routine drunken binge “It was incredible,” said Loganski. “Everyone knows dogs don’t actually say “woof” or even “arf.”
William’s woof-bark has been received well by humans but less enthusiastically by other dogs. For reasons that Loganski does not understand, other dogs now refuse to play with William or even sniff his behind. “He is an outcast pure and simple,” said Loganski.
Professor Guido Seidenfeld of Florida State University’s School of Veterinary Medicine in Tallahassee reported in a professional journal that William may be the only dog on earth who barks with a “woof” sound.
“We thought ‘woof’ was just a made-up description of the bark of a canine, but apparently it is more than fiction,” said Dr. Seidenfeld in a telephone interview. “So far we have no idea why William says “woof,” though one of my colleagues thinks William is simply mimicking a bark he heard on television.”
“My research team and I have now begun an international study to assess what sounds dogs actually make when they bark. No researcher has ever even asked the question much less explored this important issue. So far we have obtained $35 million in government stimulus money for our project and we hope to get another $100 million from federal earmarks.
“We fully expect this research to be even more significant than our last project where we measured the number of times a dog scratches when it has fleas.”