New York. Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.
“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of medicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility. “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread. I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”
“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team. “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell. It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small. But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”
President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research. “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”