Random Featured Post

OLYMPIC GAMES RETURN TO ROOTS WITH WEIRD NEW GAMES

ATHENS.  The International Olympics Committee today announced a major return to historical roots and added six traditional games and deleted four current groups of events. The press release stated that the Committee decided to reinvigorate the Olympics... Read More

BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

Posted by Jeremy Mobius | Posted in Animals, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 29-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.

“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of cancer cellmedicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility.  “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread.  I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”

“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team.  “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell.  It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small.  But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”

President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research.  “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”

SNAKE WITH TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE BODIES FOUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 22-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Madagascar.  French scientists have found the world’s first dual-body living creature when they discovered a snake made up of two entirely separate and independent bodies with different coloring, gender, and DNA chromosomes.

The snake, tentatively called corpora dualis snakus, was found by accident by a team of  zoologists from the Sorbonne attempting to catalog animals in a rapidly disappearing rain forest in Eastern Madagascar.

Professor Pierre Duguy, head of the expedition, said that his native guides saw the two snakes in separate trees about thirty feet above ground.  They climbed the trees and captured both. 

Close examination by veterinarians snakesconfirmed that though the two snakes differed in both color and gender, they are actually one snake with two separate and independent bodies. DNA analysis found that even the DNA was different despite the fact the snakes were one animal.

“Nothing like this has ever been found before,” said Professor Duguy.  “Imagine one animal with two bodies that are of different sexes, different colors, and quite different DNA.  This may well call for a re-examination of our notion of personhood.  After all, if one snake can somehow evolve into two entire separate ones, perhaps people can do the same.

“And so far we have found one snake with two bodies.  But what if this snake has even more bodies, maybe hundreds or even thousands?”

WORKER TOO BUSY FOR FAST FOOD

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Inventions, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 20-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

burger and friesNew York.  Philip Begley, a lawyer with a large Wall Street law firm, is now too busy  for fast food.

“I used to eat fast food all the time,” said Begley.   “I loved hamburgers and Nathan’s hot dogs, but I am so overwhelmed that I just don’t have the time to get fast food.

“You have no idea how long it takes to get a quarter pounder, even if the store is not busy.  Last month I tried one more time but it took me almost two minutes to get my order. I don’t have that time to waste.”

McDonald’s issued a statement noting that “This is a serious issue that we have been aware of for several years.  Our staff is working on it night and day.  One thing we are addressing is how to get our food out much faster.  In this modern world, people just don’t have the luxury of waiting to get their fast food.

“One possibility, still in the early development stage, is to deliver our food over the internet and eventually through cell phones.  This could allow us to fill orders instantly and in the place where our busy customers are working.  Imagine how much time our patrons will save when we get over the minor technical hurdles that currently prevent us from delivering our food products over the internet or cell phone. 

“In the not too distant future you will be able to have a tasty McDonald’s hamburger or shake delivered to your cell phone and at a click of an app, the picture of the food will be reconstituted into the real thing.  Hot and delicious, as if we had just prepared it for you at one of our fine restaurants. We may even include an American flag with the order to symbolize American ingenuity!”

NORTH DAKOTA MAN ON FBI’S “LEAST WANTED LIST” FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Fargo, N.D.  Delmar Foxspin of rural North Dakota has just been placed on the FBI’s “Ten Least Wanted List” for the seventeenth consecutive year.

“I cannot tell you what an honor this is,” said an embarrassed Foxspin.  “Frankly, I have never done anything at all my entire life and I was shocked to receive this incredible news. 

“I have no family, no friends, no job, no address, no money, no car; nothing.  Who would have thought that someone like me from North Dakota would be selected by the FBI!  I am overwhelmed and so grateful.”

When contacted for information about the award, FBI wantedFBI Special Agent Valerie Thomas said “we cannot comment on official activities but I can tell you that we had many, many candidates this year and the choice was especially difficult.  You have no idea how many people there are who no one cares about and have never done anything interesting.”

“Mr. Foxspin’s repeated placement on this list is remarkable since it is so hard to do absolutely nothing for an entire year.   I hope school children throughout the world will take him as a role model. With more people like him the world would be a far safer place.”

CHINESE FINALLY INVENT CHOPKNIFE TO GO WITH CHOPSTICKS

Posted by Tracy West | Posted in Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  After 1700 years of experimentation, Chinese scientists have just completed Phase One work on a chopknife to be used with chopsticks.

The chopstick was invented several thousand years ago by Chinese peasants who needed something to eat with other than their hands, which were dirty from working in sweatshops making designer apparel for the upscale American market.

These wooden chopsticks are still used throughout the world in Chinese restaurants and even in China proper, despite the invention of the metal fork, spoon, and knife.

Chinese intellectuals have long recognized the need for other items to supplement the use of chopsticks which are not very good for chopping, cutting, or consuming soup. Yesterday’s announcement that a chopknife was invented brought cheers from millions of chopstick enthusiasts.

The prototype chopknife is made of wood and is designed to cut meat and other block of wooditems.  Unfortunately, the first version is a large square block of wood three inches on each side with a small hole in it. Early test results indicate it has limited cutting utility.  One scholar, who insisted on anonymity,  suggested that this could be because it has no cutting surface.

Professor Ming Chang who announced the technological breakthrough, noted that “we are aware that the first model of the chopknife has some minor functional problems but our research team fully expects to work them out in the next few years. 

“Until then,” said Professor Chang, “people may find that the chopknife is very useful for pounding and squashing and the little hole in it can be used for storing tiny things.                                                     

“Our team is also working on a chopstick-like implement to be used for consuming soup.  Our initial model is a hollow chopstick that can be used as both a straw for liquids like soup and beer as well as a traditional chopstick for eating solid food.  We will keep the world apprised of our progress.”

CHINESE AND JEWS CELEBRATE YEAR OF S(CH)MUCK

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  For the first time in recorded history, the Chinese and Jewish New Years overlap both in date and in nomenclature.  Jews all over the world will observe the Year of the cooking stick over fireSchmuck while Chinese everywhere will soon begin to celebrate the much-anticipated Year of Smuck.  In both Mandarin and Yiddish, the term schmuck (pronounced “smuck” in Mandarin) means jerk.  (The French call it “schmu,” omitting the last two letters.)

While the two will observe similar holidays, the symbols utilized by them will differ markedly.  Jews symbolize this year by pictures of Moses riding a camel heading in the wrong moses on cameldirection from Egypt.  The equivalent Chinese representation is of the legendary General Tso cooking  a stick over an open fire.

Despite these differences, the holiday will be festive and fun, especially for the children.  David Greenberg, a 7-year old from Kew Gardens, New York, said, “I can’t wait for the New Year.  I’ll finally be 8-years old and can smoke cigarettes like grandpa.”  When his mother Rose reminded him that the New Year is not the same as his birthday, young David responded, “Well, maybe I’ll get good presents at least.”

Liu Wah-Fong, a precious 5 year-old from Chinatown in New York, was equally happy.  “I can’t wait.  Mommy said we get to play like we are steaks which should be great fun.  His mother corrected her, “I said you get to play like you are snakes, not steaks.”  Liu began to cry and was not available to complete the interview.

MAN LOSES ONE MILLION SOCKS: NEW GUINNESS RECORD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions, Tragedies
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

socksDublin, Ireland.  Guinness has confirmed that Malcolm McGrady, a Dublin dentist, has established a new world’s record by losing a million single socks over his 68 year lifetime.

“I don’t know what happens to them,” said a thoughtful McGrady.  “Every time I do a wash a bunch of socks just disappear.  The same thing happened to me Mum when I was a wee thing.  Baby socks somehow got lost so much that Mum used to buy them by the gross.”

Professor DeWitt Canbury, the Nobel winning geneticist at Cambridge University, said the remarkable achievement may open up an entirely new area of genetic research.  “Never before have we seen  what appears to be a genetic trait that involves  extreme careless behavior.  I plan on presenting a speculative paper on this intriguing subject at the next international conference.”

The Global Sock Company’s President, Chow Fong, issued a statement congratulating McGrady on a “most important achievement.  As the world’s largest manufacturer of socks, we hope that we produced at least some of the socks that were lost.  This would be our small contribution to an accomplishment that may never be duplicated on earth.”