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GINGRICH THROWN OUT OF REPUBLICAN PARTY FOR REMARKS ABOUT OBAMA KIDS

WASHINGTON.  The Republican Party officially kicked out Newt Gingrich for saying possibly nice things about President Obama’s  kids. The issue arose during a campaign dinner appearance by former House Speaker Newt Gingrich in Iowa at the Ames Republican... Read More

TOO BIG TO FAIL: CONGRESS GIVES STIMULUS MONEY TO NY YANKEES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Politics, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 28-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC. President Obama signed a new law giving the New York Yankees $3 billion in stimulus money to pay for quality free agents.

“I hated to do it considering the deficit,” said President Obama at a press conference held immediately after the signing in the Oval Office. “But we’re talking about the Yankees. NY YankeesFrankly, they are just too big to fail. No American would want the government to stand by and watch a baseball icon not win the World Series every single year. It would be worse than letting Chrysler or Ford or Citi Bank fail. Pretty soon the Japanese would field the dominant baseball team and literally thousands of American jobs would be sent overseas. “

“A bold move,” said Nobel Economist Helen Patel. “By one stroke of the pen President Obama has ensured continued American dominance in an arena many other countries would like to enter on an even playing field.”

“This is really cool,” said Sal Alterio of the Bronx. “The Yankees is the beast. Obama is the man. He plays basketball, you know. I don’t get the bank stuff but, hey, this is the Yankees.”

Robert Patterson of Boston was not as enthusiastic. “This sucks,” muttered Patterson, an unemployed cook and rabid Red Sox fan. “Why would Obama help the Yankees who don’t need help and ignore the Sox who could use a few more stars. Doesn’t seem fair to me.”

WALL STREET DEREGULATES CONGRESS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Politics
Posted on 21-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

wall street street signNew York.  At a secret meeting of the leaders of virtually every Wall Street investment and legal firm, it was unanimously decided that Congress should be deregulated so that “market forces can be freed to release the financial colossus of the American economy.”

“We have gone too long with a Congress that is hamstringing the American economy with rules and regulations that seriously impede Wall Street’s ability to do what it does best:  allow the American economy and the American worker to thrive.” said a person who attended the session but agreed to be quoted only on the condition of anonymity. 

The source continued, “From now on, all these stupid, short-sighted government policies dealing with health, safety, the stock market and banks as well as those limiting the income and benefits of Members of Congress will be repealed and replaced by the market forces, which is the greatest protection Americans could ever have.”

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R. Ohio) immediately endorsed capitol-hill-buildingthe concept of deregulating Congress.  “It is about time that we extend the free market economy to Congress where it has been sorely lacking.  Getting rid of useless laws and regulations and freeing members of Congress to take full advantage of the economic benefits of serving the people should produce a far more productive lawmaking body.”

ARMY ISSUES SNUGGIES TO ALL SOLDIERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 20-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  The Department of the Army today announced that starting early next year it would issue camouflage Snuggies, the fleece blanket with sleeves, to all soldiers stationed anywhere in the world.

“The Army has been looking for the UCO (Universal Clothing Option) for years and finally found it a few months ago when one of our soldiers, Specialist Molly Drake, saw an ad on television and alerted her commanding officer who, in turn, contacted the Pentagon’s Office of Procurement,” said a statement issued by the Army’s Public Relations Bureau.

Fashion_Snuggie_Reyn4_t607“We have now ordered three million camouflage Snuggies and got a terrific deal:  two for the price of one plus shipping and handling!  The Snuggies will keep our fighting men and women warm while allowing their hands to be free for hand-to-hand combat.   The Snuggie is also big enough to allow the soldier to keep a weapon underneath the cloth, thereby hiding it from both the enemy and the elements.  Plus, the Snuggie is soft and will be good for morale as it will remind our brave soldiers of the teddy bear they snuggled with as infants. And they can even use it as a blanket or mattress when sleeping!”

“I love my Snuggie,” said Captain William Feld of the Special Forces.  “I can’t wait until the battle is over so I can cuddle up with my favorite book and my Snuggie.  Finally the Army got something right!”

STUDIES OF THE RICH: BEING RICH IS EXPENSIVE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 19-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Chicago.  A new study by the University of Chicago’s Affluence Project concluded that it is expensive to be really rich.

Economics Professor Vitaly Thomford reported on the Affluence Project’s ten-year study of the Very Rich, defined as having a net worth of over $25 million.  The Project was seeking unique patterns of behavior that distinguish the Very Rich from the Rich (defined as having a net worth between $3-25 million).

After an exhaustive review of 9000 Very Rich people, the study found that these people spent a lot of money.  “The rich-personshort version,” according to Professor Thomford, “is that it costs a lot of money to be very rich.  For example, one very wealthy man bought a car worth over $100,000, another bought a home for over $3 million, and one person in our study even did both of these.  Only rarely will you see the ordinary person spend money this way.”

The study created quite a buzz among economists worldwide.  Dr. Thomford’s name was even mentioned by several scholars as a possible Nobel Prize candidate.  “You don’t see insight like this every day,” said Professor Orito Nagamuchi of Tokyo University.

REPUBLICANS VOW TO REPEAL ALL FEDERAL TAXES; GOVERNMENT—NOT THE PEOPLE—TO PAY FOR GOVERNMENT EXPENDITURES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 15-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Uncle Sam pocketsWashington.  The head of the Republican Party revealed its plan, the Blueprint for an Efficient America, that will repeal 100% of all federal taxes and, instead, have the government itself pay for its own expenditures.

“We think this will make life easier for all Americans of this great country and will force the government to be more efficient since it will now be spending its own money rather than that of the American taxpayer, who has paid to support this spendthrift government for over a thousand years,” said Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  “Now the baby will have to provide for itself.  It’s about time!”

“Finally something sensible out of Washington,” said Robert Billy Foster, Chair of Tea Party United, an umbrella group for the tea party movement.  “From now on if the government wants to spend any money it will have to either print new money, borrow, or go to an ATM machine. Americans will be able to earn and spend their own money without having to prop up a wasteful ungodly government. Tea party members will now move to having the states adopt the same approach.  Imagine, no sales tax, no property tax, no income tax!”

Dr. William Yu, Harvard’s Nobel Prize winning economist, was speechless when he heard about the Republican plan, uttering only a succinct, “Huh?”   This sentiment was echoed by Alan Greenspan, the former head of the Federal Reserve who said, “Would you say that again?”

MAN MAKES ONLY SOUNDS THAT ARE IN THE DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Literature
Posted on 14-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA.  Ben Nelson, a bright 24 year-old English teacher, decided that from now on he would only utter sounds that comprise words in the Oxford Dictionary.

“I just want to sound erudite for my friends.  So I figured that I could dictionaryaccomplish this if I only made sounds that were words in the dictionary.  I never realized how much of a struggle the undertaking would be.  For example, I can’t laugh, grunt, or cry since none is in the dictionary at this time.

“The biggest problem was when I cut off the end of my finger with a sharp knife last weekend.  I couldn’t even yelp or express pain other than to say, ‘Goodness, I think I just cut off my finger and it hurts very much.’

“I still have many unanswered questions about what I am supposed to do.  Can I pant after a long jog?  How about clapping at a concert or passing wind?  A kiss that makes a smacking sound?”

Terence Bradford, Chief Editor of the Oxford Dictionary, was impressed with Nelson’s efforts and promised that the staff would try to add to the dictionary words that spell the kind of sounds that Nelson makes, but admitted that the group was especially frustrated by its inability to spell the sound made when a person passes wind. “We have listened to recordings of this sound but just can’t crack the word barrier. This is our ultimate challenge.”

BIRTH CERTIFICATE PROVES O’BAMA IS IRISH

Posted by Tracy West | Posted in Election 2008, History, Politics
Posted on 13-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Dublin, Ireland.  After years of speculation about the birth of President O’Bama, an anonymous source produced the official birth certificate of the President and established conclusively that he was born in Cork, Ireland, and was named Barney O’Bama at 7:24 P.M. on August 4, 1961.

“I knew there was something Irish about him,” said Conor O’Neill,barack_obama_caricature_irish_ireland President of the Republic of Ireland.  “You could tell it in his face, maybe the twinkle in his wee eye.  He actually looks very Irish. Everyone is so proud to have one of us now the President of the United States. Actually, this should not have surprised anyone;  in Gaelic the word “O’Bama” means  “big ears.”

Senator John McCain, defeated  by O’Bama in 2008, issued a formal statement that he had always suspected “O’Bama was not a real American.  Now we know he was not pretending not to be a Muslim; he was actually pretending not to be Irish.  My staff is now investigating whether O’Bama is even eligible to serve as President because of his Irish birth.

 “Since I was the runner-up in the election, I assume I’ll automatically be sworn in as President should the Irishman be ineligible to serve.”  When reminded that the Constitution specifically provided for a line of succession if the President becomes incapable of holding the office, Senator McCain said, “Oh, I didn’t know that.”