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WORKER TOO BUSY FOR FAST FOOD

New York.  Philip Begley, a lawyer with a large Wall Street law firm, is now too busy  for fast food. “I used to eat fast food all the time,” said Begley.   “I loved hamburgers and Nathan’s hot dogs, but I am so overwhelmed that I just don’t... Read More

REPUBLICANS OPPOSE DEMOS PROPOSAL TO DECLARE HEALTH AN “IMPORTANT ISSUE”

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in History, Politics
Posted on 26-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Republican members of Congress vehemently opposed efforts by Democrats to have both houses vote on the proposition that “health is an important issue to many Americans.”

 “Once again our freedoms are being threatened by this unnecessary, divisive, and potentially budget-busting proposal by the tax-and-spend crowd of Democrats,” declared  the House Republican leader, John Boehner of Ohio. “By framing health as an important issue, the Democrats are once again ignoring the American people who see many important issues, not just health.  Why don’t the Democrats discuss issuesUS_capitol_building like Jay Leno v. Conan O’Brien, whether Shamu the killer whale should be euthanized, or why aren’t we killing more people in Afghanistan?”

 “I can only imagine where this sneaky vote would lead us,” opined Republican Representative Eric Cantor, the Republican whip. “First health care is an ‘important issue,’ then it will be a ‘very important issue.’  Pretty soon the government will take over every aspect of our life by having other areas officially deemed an ‘important issue.’  This creeping socialism has got to stop.  And now is the time to do it.”

 House speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a statement:  “Once again the Republicans are the party of ‘No’ as they oppose this modest contribution to public debate.  By formally declaring health an ‘important issue,’Congress would go a long way toward solving the health crisis that infects this country.  The Congressional Budget Office has found that this little change would cost no more than $3 billion over 15 years, a piddling amount considering the entire federal budget.”

NEW YORK SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography
Posted on 25-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK.  At 12:30 AM today subway riders at the 14th Street station were shocked when a routine announcement over the subway loudspeaker was able to be understood by everyone waiting for the F train to Brooklyn.

“I have never heard anything like it,” said Deborah Feld from Brooklyn.  “I actually understood every word the man said.  It was eerie, almost scary.”

Clarence Porter, spokesperson for the subway system, issued a statement, “This office is looking into the situation.  We are checking all the audio equipment in that station to see if there is a malfunction.  This kind of thing just doesn’t subwayhappen and we intend to get to the bottom of it.  Our wonderful passengers have a right to safe travel where their peace of mind is not interrupted by trivial messages.”

 An officer of the union representing the transportation workers commented,  on the condition of anonymity, “I can’t say anything definitive since the membership has not spoken on the issue, but I can tell you that we are serious about seeking pay and other benefit increases for the extra burden placed on our members if there is any expectation that our workers now must not only be polite and competent but may also have to be comprehensible.  The authorities need to understand they cannot keep demanding more from us without offering commensurate rewards for the new responsibilities.”

Rahim Jcbyrkyowqbzz, President of the Immigrant Subway Workers Association, issued a statement threatening a lawsuit over the “blatant potential discrimination against the foreign born subway worker.  Obviously any policy encouraging–or God forbid, requiring–comprehensible announcements will result in even more limited opportunities for the hard subway worker who, though he or she is thoroughly familiar and job certified in how to use the public address system,  suddently is barred from making announcements simply because he or she cannot speak understandable English.”

NEW YORK TEEN SETS RECORD BY SAYING “LIKE” 17 TIMES IN ONE MINUTE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Leisure
Posted on 25-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 UPPER RIDGE, NY–Sharon Selby is a cute 15 year old sophomore at Upper Ridge High School and was shocked when notified that she had set the international record for saying the word “like” 17 times in a 60-second period during a telephone chat with her best friend, Melody Fancher.

 “Like I had no, like, idea, you know, that Sharon was so famous,” said Fancher. teen girl with braces “It was like a usual conversation.  She said to me, like are you going to the game?  I said, like, yes.  Hello!  Like you know I go.   Like I go to all the games, you know.  She just seemed to me like normal.  You know. She’s like so cool. Like everybody likes her.”

 Brad Kurst, speaking for the Guiness Book of Records, said that Selby’s achievement eclipsed the previous record by three “likes” and was a “notable achievement.”  “She must have practiced a lot,” noted Kurst.  “I doubt if anyone will ever top this record since we disqualify people who stutter.  She almost said ‘like’ every three seconds!”

HARD PLACE FOUND; SEARCH CONTINUES FOR ROCK

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Nature
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

TOKYO, JAPA.  The Japan Geographical Society has claimed its explorers have found the elusive “hard place” popularized in the phrase: “between a rock and a hard place.”  The successful expedition has succeeded in solving at least part of what to geographers has become the equivalent of the search for the Holy Grail or the Biblical Ark.The research team–surely joined by thousands of other scientists–now is doubling its efforts to find the “rock.”

For eons people have been stuck between a rock and hard place, yet no researcher has rock-hard placefound the precise location of either.  This lack of knowledge has made it extremely difficult for some people, who were between a rock and a hard place, to know of their precarious situation or which direction to go to find safety.

The discovery of the hard place’s location in a rugged coast of a small island in Indonesia many miles from Japan has raised many questions about the location of the “rock.”  Already teams of investigators are scouring nearby islands.  However, some philosophers are skeptical that the rock will ever be found.  Professor Heinrik Balstoy of the United University of the Former Soviet Union noted, “Perhaps the rock is many miles away from the hard place since the aphorism involving a rock and hard place does not actually indicate how close a person is to either.  I don’t think the exact rock will ever be located because no one knows where it is, what it looks like, or what type of rock it is.  So millions of people may be suffering from being between the two things but are not aware of their dire and painful predicament.”

CHENEY OPENS CONSULTING FIRM FOR WARLORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Politics
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC–Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, announced the formation of an international consulting firm to assist warlords throughout the world.

“Warlords are a forgotten entity,” said a somber Cheney.  “My partners and I were looking for a niche and we discovered that no one was providing warlords with technical and strategic advice, yet that segment of government is desperately in need of training in the most modern approaches.  We expect to be up and running in a few months.

dickcheney1“A number of warlords have already contacted us and we are negotiating to provide them with our services.  Several have already signed to be our clients.

“We have hired some of the best former CIA and KGB interrogators, computer experts, and armament procurers from all over the globe.  Our public relations department will be second to none.  It has already come up with a nice jingle that will be used by a particular warlord in a country I am not at liberty to name. 

“Since our new company will hire many people, we have applied for government stimulus money.  We are also exploring the possibility of purchasing nuclear weapons expertise and materials since some of our potential clients are interested in this aspect of defending their legitimate interests.

“If this business works as well as we think, we are already exploring the possibility of expanding it to other ignored professions such as drug lords, petty dictators, religious zealots, and professional assassins.”

The Wall Street Journal published an editorial praising the new company as “an illustration of the market economy’s wonderful ability to adjust to new situations and improve efficiency in every aspect of life.”

MALE EQUIVALENT OF WORD “SLUT” DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Bushisms, History, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 NEW HAVEN, CT–A paper published by a Yale English professor in the prestigious Journal of the English Language reported that he and his research team have solved the ancient problem of finding the male equivalent of the word “slut.”

 Professor Fran Willoughby’s article reported that extensivemale_sexy_costume_uniform research among previously unknown letters revealed that “manwhore” was an acceptable male equivalent of “slut” in Eighth Century Norman speech. 

This startling discovery has ended the centuries-long quest for this word.  It had long been thought that the male’s genetic moral purity was deemed to make it unnecessary for the English language to develop a male version of “slut.”

Byron Whitson, head of the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language said that “Professor Willoughby’s magnificent contribution to the literature of language will immortalize him to the literati and he will likely be spoken of in the same manner as writers such as Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss.”

Sociology professor Hans Schumpf of Texas Tech University said that perhaps this discovery would open up new approaches to the study of humanking as it “sheds new light on the male race in its historical and evolutionary development.”

OBAMA CHOSEN AS MISS AMERICA

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK–President Barack Obama added to his list of awards by being selected as Miss America 2009 at the annual Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

 Similar to his Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama had not sought the Miss America title and had not participated in the tedious process involving a number of competitions.

 Nevertheless, the selection committee rejected the fifty candidates and gave the honor to him.  The announcement was part of a statement that said, “We know we are breaking new ground in selecting a male as Miss America, but the Committee was aware that times have changed and obama-palin-mediacircusit was appropriate to add diversity to the pageant.  Not only is Mr. Obama a person of mixed race and of the male gender, he also is a good basketball player and is President of the United States.  We have never had a Miss America who shares all four of these characteristics. 

 “We look forward to continuing the process of reaching out to new constituencies in future Miss America competitions and we congratulate President Obama on another important achievement.”

 President Obama’s office issued a public statement “humbly accepting this award though so many others were more deserving.”  A member of Mr. Obama’s staff, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said that Obama had always wanted to be Miss America but thought he would not be a serious candidate for many years and perhaps even never.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney issued a brief statement:  “We always knew he was a sissy.  How could you trust Miss America to protect us from the real threat of terrorism?”

Former President George W. Bush congratulated Obama on the novel achievement.  “I wish him well with his new responsibilities in repesenting North, South, Latin, Central, and Middle America in future beauty paginations.  I am sure he will represent us good.”

THREE-YEAR-OLD’S TEA PARTY ATTRACTS 3700 GUN-TOTING CRASHERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in History, Politics
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

DECATUR, MI.   Three-year-old Molly Thigpen was surprised when over 3700 people came to her birthday tea party carrying various weapons and many signs.  tea party

 “I thought it was great,” she said, “that so many people put on pretend clothes and came to my party. I really loved the signs, too.  I couldn’t read them but there were lots of flags and crosses and stuff.”

 Constance Thigpen, Molly’s mother, had put up a sign on a light pole at the corner with the words “Tea Party” in red letters to help the girls attending the birthday party find the house.  “I guess some of the tea partiers thought it was a political rally,” she said.  “But it was really just a tea party for my daughter and her friends.” 

 “The crowd was a bit rowdy, but they liked the clown we hired who had an Obama mask and did magic tricks.  I was concerned at first, especially with the guy carrying the bazooka and the lady with the machine gun, but they seemed calm, not drunk or anything and had a good time, though I ran out of cupcakes. “

 “I was shocked when Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh, and Newt Gingrich showed up and all wanted to ‘say a few words’” Ms. Thigpen said.  “Palin asked where the $100,000 speaking fee was, but I had no idea what she was talking about.  One of her assistants must have said something to her because Palin left in a rush just before Romney grabbed the microphone.

“Molly was disappointed so few of them brought presents, but still this was a birthday party our family will never forget!

MAN GIVES UP VOWELS FOR LENT

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Literature, Religion
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

TOPEKA.  Lynn Flynn rejected the usual Lent regimen of fasting, prayer, and penitence, and took the unusual step of giving up the use of vowels.vowels

 “Wntd 2 B dffrnt ths yr,” said Flynn when asked why she made the decision to forgo the use of vowels for Lent, which runs forty days from Ash Wednesday until Easter.  “Lst yr ws fstng  bt ths yr nt spkng vwls wld prve tht Lnt mttrs mch 2 yrs trly,” wrote Flynn after she and this reporter unsuccessfully tried to communicate with spoken words. 

 Flynn indicated that her most significant problem was whether the letter “Y” is really a vowel or whether she could use it without violating her Lenton oath.  Since “Y” is the only letter in both her first name, “Lynn,”  and last name, “Flynn,” the issue was of some importance since she thought it would be convenient to be able to sign her name during the forty days of Lent.

 “I told her I thought it was viewed as a vowel, but I was not sure of the actual technical categorization of “Y.”  “Thnks,” said Flynn as we ended the interview.

ALLIGATOR CLAIMS CROCODILE IS IMPOSTOR

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

alligators and crocsRIO DE JANEIRO.  An alligator at the Rio De Janeiro zoo has filed an official complaint alleging that Festo, a new alligator, is really a crocodile pretending to be an alligator.

Allegro, the oldest alligator at the Rio De Janeiro zoo,  is outraged that zoo officials have introduced a new alligator, Festo, in the alligator pond when, according to Allegro, that alligator is really a crocodile.

Allegro has vented his anger by filing an official complaint with the Brazilian Zoo Association.  “He is a fraud,” said Allegro.  “Look at him.  Alligators have wide noses while crocodiles have pointed ones.  This fake, Festo, had plastic surgery to make his nose wide.  Look at it.  Don’t take my word. You can see the scars.”

Frederico Santos, a spokesperson for Festo,  held a press conference to deny the accusations.  Santos claimed that Allegro is just jealous that a handsome new alligator has entered the competition for the favors of the three female alligators in the pond.

“Festo was, is, and always will be an alligator and we will prove it in court,” said Santos. “We have discussed this matter with counsel and will take appropriate actions to right this tremendous wrong.”

HISTORIANS FIND PEOPLE INVOLVED IN SEX AS EARLY AS 1930

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Leisure, Nature, Religion, Sex Matters
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

AUSTIN,TX.  A research team at the University of Texas has completed a four year study of human behavior and found that human beings had sex as early as 1930.

male female“The accepted view was that people engaged in sex only after World War II when soldiers returned from the front feeling a bit frisky,” said Dr. Oliver Ridings, principal researcher on the federally funded project. “Before that time, the academic community was unanimous in concluding that no one had thought of the idea of having sex.  It was just something that had never dawned on people, like using the computer or Michael Jordan.”

“But our research shows this to be in error.  People actually had man-woman sex as early as 1930.  We researched millions of documents, interviewed thousands of people, and even examined artwork in major galleries.  The conclusion is a slam dunk.”

Not all experts agree.  Dr. William Plank of Princeton’s Sexual Behavior Laboratory said, “It is far too early to reach the conclusions that Dr. Ridings did.  Although his research is important and could turn out to be accurate, much more data are needed before the entire course of history is revised to reflect this new information.”

Dr. Ridings said his team was now involved in exhuming bodies of people buried in the 1920’s and would apply new statistical techniques to assess whether the decomposed bodies had engaged in sexual activity during their lifetime.

The Texas research has led some internationally renowned scholars to suggest that Dr. Ridings may well be on his way to winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his stunning work.

Some religious leaders have expressed horror at the Texas results.  Pastor Elrod Given of the Faith United Baptist Church in Bel Aire, Mississippi, issued a statement condemning the Texas data as inconsistent with the Bible.

“How could it be possible that people engaged in that kind of stuff before 1930 when only a few years before that time Eve emerged from Adam’s body rather than from that kind of stuff?  If people were doing that kind of stuff, don’t you think Eve would have been born rather than fashioned from Adam’s body?” asked Pastor Given.

NEW LETTER OF ALPHABET DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Inventions, Literature, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Scientists at the Cambridge University Planetarium announced today that they have discovered a new letter of the alphabet located between “R” and “S.”

“We were using our Newton Telescope, the most powerful in the world, and stumbled on the new letter between “R” and “S,” said Dr. Nigel Hawthorne of the Cambridge Observatory.

alphabet-letters “We weren’t even actually looking for it.  Our attention was on the possibility of a new planet, but were we shocked at our discovery!”

 “We have tentatively named the new letter ‘Thud’ which seemed to fit perfectly between “R” and “S.”   It resembles a circle with a dead snake in it and hair on top of the circle.  It is actually quite pretty,” claimed Hawthorne.

 “Plus, the letter ‘thud’ is consistent with the “A,B,C” song, which can still be sung with the new letter in it,” Dr. Hawthorne reported.

 As one would expect, the discovery has sent shock waves throughout the world.  The Wall Street Journal announced it would add the new letter in its alphabetical listing of stock prices and several dictionary companies have issued a recall of their products which are now obsolete.

 The producers of alphabet soup have already included the new letter.

President Bush praised the discovery as once again proving that “America is on the foremount of scientific quests.”  When reminded that the discovery was made by English rather than American scientists, the President apologized for the error and said that he had momentarily forgotten that England was no longer an American colony.

NEW RESEARCH: BEER TASTES BETTER THAN URINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Leisure
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

beer-glassANN ARBOR.  New research from the University of Michigan found that most people think that beer tastes better than urine, despite the similarity in appearance.

 “We gave double blind tests to 670 undergraduate psychology students and the results were surprising: overall 82% preferred the taste of beer to that of urine,” reported Dr. Maynard Curry, head of the psychology department. 

 “We expected beer to win, but not by this margin.  And it didn’t seem to matter which beer was tested or who or what was the source of the urine.  Why beer was even selected over cat urine by 54% of the participants, and everyone knows that cat urine is special.”

“The only test where urine won was when the beer was Foster’s Light and the urine came from a monkey that had been raised on organic fruits,” reported Dr. Curry.  “The monkey urine was preferred by 72% of the participants.”

 Members of the Beer Producer’s Association issued a statement praising the research.  Evans Special Lager, a  beer made by a small brewery in White Plains, NY,  and one involved in the Michigan research, has already begun an advertising campaign using the slogan: “We Are Even Better than Wee Wee.”

BOY INVENTS NEW GAME: HIDE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 19-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

hide and seekST. LOUIS.  Ben Greenberg, a three-year-old prodigy,  invented a new game called Hide which is sweeping his day care program and is likely to reach international recognition within the year.

 Greenberg, a short tike with a friendly smile, invented the game while playing with his grandfather, Jack Lampert.  The youngster told his grandfather to hide, then returned to his perch on the couch watching Sesame Street and fell asleep.

 Five hours later his grandfather yelled “you win” and emerged to find young Ben watching reruns of Saturday Night Live.

“It was really fun to play Hide with Ben,” said the proud grandfather.  “We can interact on a far higher level than we did when we just played Hide and Seek.  Frankly, Hide and Seek got boring after a few hours, but Hide maintains its interest for hours and hours.  I hate to brag, but Ben is really good at the game,”  beamed Lampert.

 “When Ben told me to hide, I ran to the guest bedroom and sat on the closet floor and wondered what Ben was doing,” said Lampert.  “It was really fun and creative.”

 Dr. Bertran Homberg, head of Child Psychiatry at Washington University Medical School, praised the new invention as providing “a terrific way to assist children develop the emotional facets of their brain.  It is impossible to think of a child playing Hide who does not grow intellectually as well as physiologically from the challenge it presents.”

 Some of the largest board game manufacturers in the world are now engaged in negotiations with Ben and his parents over the rights to market the new phenomenon, often likened to the Rubik’s Cube or Sudoku in terms of its international possibilities.

BUSH ADDS 27,000 WORDS TO DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Inventions, Literature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

BushWASHINGTON.  Using a long-forgotten presidential power, President Bush today added 27.000 new words to the Official United States Government Dictionary, a result likely to be followed by all other dictionary publishers.

 In reaction to criticism that some of President Bush’s words were not really words and were not in any dictionary, President Bush issued Executive Order 2007-52-19 that added over 27.000 new words to the official dictionary of the U.S. Government.

 “Now they can’t say I don’t speak words because now my speakage is really real words,” said President Bush at his weekly press conference.

 The new words include “nucular,” “decider,””speakage,”  and “canditity.”  Other additions and their official definitions are: “virginocity,””flubber” (“a person who makes a mistake”),”flubbee” (“a person who is made a mistake to”), “legalisticism” (“state of being legally correct”), “wino” (“a person who complains all the time”), “preecious” (“a person who can predict the future”), and “soldierofmassdestruction”(“an American fighting man and/or woman”).

 Dr. Wendell Pruitt of the Harvard English department applauded the President “for his singular contribution to the English language.”  “It is so refreshing to have a President who takes language seriously,” said Dr. Pruitt.

 The publishers of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary issued a press release praising the President and indicating that the 27,000 words would appear in the next edition of their dictionary.

PHOTO OF NOTHING WINS POSTMODERN PRIZE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Arts
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Marilyn Foster, a South African photographer, has been awarded the prestigious Calder Award for Postmodern Creative Art for her stunning black and white photo of nothing.

 Foster’s photograph featured a bright white background with nothing in the foreground.  picframe

 “I was shocked and am humbled by the honor,” said a beaming Foster.  “I have always wanted to win the Calder but never thought I would be lucky enough to be selected over the thousands of terrific postmodern artists around the world.”

“The utter simplicity of her concept, so powerfully expressing the utter randomness of modern life, made the choice easy,” said Clive Plagget, the Chair of the Calder Award Selection Committee. “Her bold statement literally blew away the selection committee.  One member, who shall remain anonymous, actually cried when he first looked at Foster’s dynamic photograph.”

 Bethany Shwartz, another member of the selection committee, anonymously commented that “Foster may well be the Rembrandt of postmodern art.”  “Marilyn Foster’s work, particularly the photograph for which she received the Calder, will be viewed with awe for generations.  I know for a fact that a certain distinguished art critic is preparing a book on the Foster photo and he fully expects the book to be an instant best seller.  Reproductions of the photo will go for hundreds of thousands of dollars.”

SIXTEEN KILLED IN MYANMAR PRO-PEACE DEMONSTRATION

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

YANGON, MYANMAR.  Sixteen people were killed yesterday in violent clashes between warring pro peace groups in Myanmar.    iran-riots-3

 In reaction to deadly riots stemming from the suspicious death of Thet Win Aung in a state prison, two peace-focused groups held public demonstrations in Yangon protesting violence in every form. The Myanmar True Peace Association first announced the silent peace rally to begin at 1:00 P.M.  Shortly after the True Peace Association’s proclamation, The Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation held a press conference to say that it, as the “really authentic representative of the Myanmar people’s quest for peace,”  also would hold a silent peaceful demonstration at the same hour in the same location as that selected by the True Peace Association.

 The two pro-peace groups have a long history of disagreement.  The Myanmar True Peace Association, formerly known as the Myanmar Peace Association, was begun in 1996 in an effort to prove a role model for other groups in Myanmar. 

 The Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation, originally known as the Myanmar Peace Federation then renamed the Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation to even more clearly distinguish it from the Myanmar True Peace Association, was founded in 1997 by a splinter group of the then Myanmar Peace Association.

 The two groups differ markedly in their approach.  The Myanmar True Peace Association believes that peace can only be achieved by silent demonstrations where the participants communicate with one another using sign language.  The rival Authentic Peace Federation also believes in silent public demonstrations but rejects the use of sign language and claims that hand-written signs are the only true way to communicate during demonstrations.

 At the deadly demonstration-turned-riot yesterday, young men wearing the white “wife beater” shirts of the True Peace Association forced their way into the swarms of Authentic Peace Federation members wearing their trademark blue baseball caps and tore up scores of hand-written signs proclaiming the need for peace in Myanmar.  Anticipating this bold challenge, members of the Authentic Peace Federation began using the Peace Association’s own sign language to convey obscene messages to their True Peace rivals.

 True Peace Association advocates then produced their own signs written in the manner of the Authentic Peace Foundation and declaring that the Authentic Peace Federation was really made up of violent thugs who abhorred peace. 

 The insulting signs produced a reaction that was both swift and violent.  Both sides began fighting first with wood sticks used to hold signs, then escalated the melee to one where fists, knives, and pistols were used. One group of Authentic Peace Federation members rolled out a colonial-era howitzer and tried to fire it at the True Peace Association leaders but were unable to do so when it was discovered that no one knew how to operate the ancient weapon.

 When the air cleared, sixteen people were killed, evenly divided between the two groups. Brig. General Kyaw Hsan, Chairman of the Information Committee of the State Peace and Development Council, condemned the violence and stated that the Tatmadaw Government would do all in its power to eliminate the threat to peace of the two groups.

MAN LIES TO SELF

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

SAN FRANCISCOA San Francisco man who promised himself that he would eat more vegetables has admitted that he has not eaten a vegetable since the promise was made. 

“I was sincere when I made the promise but, to tell you the truth, I really don’t like vegetables,” said Walter Palmer, a teller at a major San Francisco bank.  “I usually stick to my promises, like the one I made to watch more television and eat more fried chicken.  unfaithful_husbandBut this one is different.  Vegetables make me vomit.  And green clashes with almost all my clothes.  I don’t know why I made the promise.  I will regret it for the rest of my life. I feel like such a liar.”

Dr. Wolfgang Puter, head of psychiatry at Westend Hospital in Boston, was shocked at the revelation.  “I am aware of absolutely no research proving that people lie to themselves,” he said in a telephone interview.  “I wonder if this is the first known actual example?”

When asked how this revelation differed from the usual New Year’s Eve resolutions which are so often broken, Dr. Puter scratched his beard and said softly,  “I never thought of that.”  Then Dr. Puter asked, “Do you know of any federal money to study the issue?”

MAN FILLS URINE CUP COMPLETELY FULL

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

urine-sampleBIRMINGHAM, ALA.  For the first time ever, a patient of Dr. Hanna Lincoln filled a urine cup to the very top. 

 “I was amazed,” said Dr. Lincoln.  “I have been practicing internal medicine for eighteen years and have never had a patient completely fill the urine cup.  After this occurred I talked with a few of my colleagues and they had never experienced or even heard of such a thing.  We sure didn’t discuss it in medical school. I am in awe.  I did a literature search and found no studies on point.”

Sam Covington, the patient who achieved this incredible feat during his annual physical, told the Birmingham Evening Star, “I am surprised that no one had ever done this before.  It was no big thing.  Why only yesterday I filled my toilet bowl to the very brim.  Maybe it has something to do with the 24 beers I drink every morning.”

INDONESIA CREATES KNOCK OFF OF CHINESE KNOCK OFF OF FRENCH PURSE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, Inventions
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

purseWASHINGTON.  In a development that has sent shock waves through international commercial markets, federal authorities announced the first-ever discovery of Indonesian-made knock offs of Chinese knocks offs of designer purses.

 Charles Feldpath, spokesperson for the New York FBI office, announced at a press conference that federal agents, working undercover in Chinatown, arrested a Chinese man selling Indonesian-made knock offs of Chinese-knock offs of French purses bearing the label of Pierre LaRoche, the famous clothes designer.  Each purse bore the misleading label, “Made in France,” in both English and Chinese. 

Fearing that this new development would wreak havoc with the thriving Chinese business of manufacturing knock off versions of virtually everything,  Chow Sung, the Chinese ambassador to the United Nations, held a press conference to present the views of his government.

 “First, I have been instructed to say that the Chinese government pledges its full cooperation in the investigation of this grave challenge to international trade.  The Chinese government demands an international conference on the theft of Chinese intellectual property and requests prompt action by the United Nations on this affront to Chinese integrity,” said Ambassador Sung.  

 “The people of China strongly condemn those third world countries that do not respect the integrity of the beautiful goods made by hard-working Chinese children.”

 Sung also expressed a concern that “consumers worldwide, who rely on the superior quality of Chinese knock offs, would suffer by purchasing inferior goods on the belief that they were made by Chinese children when in fact they were the product of Indonesian children.”

 The Indonesian government issued a formal statement denying any knowledge of such knock offs and suggested that China should mind its own business.  In language meant as either a complex riddle or as a veiled threat, the Indonesian statement noted that “our brother to the North must remember that the fortune in fortune cookies may bite the fortune teller.”