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SCIENTISTS BAFFLED: MAN DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE

EFFINBURGH, SCOTLAND.    Scientists at the prestigious University of Effinburgh were shocked to discover a sheepherder named Lien Nehoc who actually dreamed he was awake when he was not. Nehoc first went to his family doctor, Melinda Brogan, to discuss... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 27-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

FRENCH ADOPT CARRY LAW FOR GUILLOTINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, History, Human Body, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

PARIS.  In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.sotn mini guillotine

The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine.  French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.

“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter.  “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like.  Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them.  We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say.  I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”

Not all French agree with Dumont.  Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever.  “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists.  We would be powerless to do anything!”

In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines.  The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size.  It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide.  It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings.  It can also be used to cut tomatoes.

COURT REQUIRES INTERPRETER FOR ILLITERATE’S EYE TEST

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Language, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA. In a precedent-setting decision, a California judge ordered the California Department of Motor Vehicles to provide, free of charge, an interpreter to assist illiterate people taking the driver’s license eye test.
eye chartHolding that the Equal Protection Clause protects “the literate as well as the unliterate.” Judge Phoebe Winebauer held that impoverished illiterate people taking the eye exam required for a driver’s license in California must be given the services of a qualified interpreter. “How can even the person with perfect vision be expected to pass the eye test which uses letters and numbers if the person cannot read?” asked Judge Winebauer. “I refuse to allow such discrimination. We are equal or we are not equal but the law will not tolerate us being both unless we are one or the other,” she opined in a carefully nuanced 400 page opinion.

Governor Jerry Brown applauded the decision and immediately ordered the State to hire 250 interpreters to be assigned to every DMV location where eye examinations are offered.

At the San Rafael DMV office, Hector Alvarez, age 96,  who is both illiterate and has been blind since birth proudly stepped up to the eye examination machine and took his first eye test. Standing next to him was Rebecca Morris, a 21 year-old high school dropout with perfect vision who was recently hired to assist “literacy-challenged” people like Mr. Alvarez.

Mr. Alvarez peered into the machine, then moved back as Ms. Morris looked inside. “Line 12 is R, B, P. 6. D. 9” she whispered to Alvarez. Grinning, he repeated “line 12, R, B, P …” and was interrupted by the DMV agent administering the test. “Good job, Mr. Alvarez,” said the agent. “You passed. I don’t need to proceed further.”

“Only in America is this possible,” said a beaming Mr. Alvarez. “I could not even have dreamed I could get a driver’s license, but now I have one. I can’t wait to take my great grandchildren on a long drive!

OWL GIVES BIRTH TO OWL-BOY; FATHER UNKNOWN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 02-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

TOLEDO.  In the middle of the night  Ralph the Owl gave birth to a half owl, half human baby to the amazement of staff at the Toledo zoo.

“Apparently Ralph should have been named Susan,” said an embarrassed zoo veterinarian who refused to identify himself.  “We blew it, I guess.  We have had Ralph—I mean Susan—for twelve years and thought he was a he.  I hate to say that no one actually looked.”

When asked about the half owl, half human baby, the same veterinarian said that this was not shocking. “Animals and humans have combined for years.  Have you ever heard of Tarzan?  Yogi Berra? This is the first example of a half owl, half person but we have long known it was theoretically possible,” said the anonymous vet.

“We do not know who the father is but we are checking closely to see who had access to Ralph.  If we find the scoundrel, some kind of child support lawsuit may be instituted.”

“We are going to have a national contest to name the tyke,” announced Felipe Bossert, publicist for the zoo.   “In the meantime, we are taking excellent care of the baby.  He has already begun to say a baby version of ‘ooooo.  And he really seems to like spiders and worms.”

CUTE KID ACTUALLY RAISED BY PUMPKINS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 10-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Arlington, VA.  The Child Protective League announced that it had discovered a cute two-year-old tot who was actually raised by a family of pumpkins.

James Gobbert, an investigator for the League,  did not expect to find what he found when he responded to a report of a suspicious family life for William Walters, an adorable two-year-old boy.  Going to the child’s home, Gobbert  was shocked to discover it was inhabited by a large family of orange pumpkins.  The Leader of the Pumpkins, whose name was Big Orange, said that someone left Walters on the doorstep almost two years ago and the family voted to adopt him.

Gobbert immediately took the child into custody and raced to a local hospital’s emergency room where physicians found him to be perfectly healthy.  “I was surprised, “said Gobbert. “The kid was adorable, well adjusted, and happy, so I took him back to his pumpkin family and closed the file. No reason to waste time on kids in good homes when there are so many ones who need help.”

MCDONALD’S SOLVES WORLD HUNGER WITH GIANT BURGER CONTAINING 42,000 CALORIES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Food, Human Body, Leisure
Posted on 04-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Oak Brook, Ill.  McDonald’s announced today the invention of its Superdupergigantichugeburger, which is twenty-six inches tall and contains over 42,000 calories, and will literally reduce malnutrition throughout the world.

“In our quest to have McDonald’s provide an answer to food shortages around the world, our research team has long been working on a sandwich that would literally substitute for several months of food needs,” said Clipper Rotunda a spokesperson for McDonald’s.  “I am so proud to announce we have succeeded.  If a starving child or adult eats one of our Superdupergigantichugeburgers, he or she will not need any more food for at least sixty days.  Our preliminary research shows that newborn babies are especially fond of the taste of this delicious sandwich.”

World reaction was prompt and positive. A press release by the United Nations stated, “Rarely has a private company solved a pervasive international tragedy.  McDonald’s has done this.  We are now in the process of ordering twenty-two million Superedupergigantichugeburgers to relieve starvation of every man, woman and child in Eastern Africa .”

The news caused McDonald’s stock to soar because of projected massive purchases by the United Nations and McDonald’s outlets in Mississippi .

Though McDonald’s was vague in describing the new sandwich, sources within the McDonald research team reported it contained 32 pounds of meat, was 25 inches in diameter, and included 9 heads of lettuce, 14 onions, 67 pickle slices, and both ketchup and a secret mustard recipe.

 

SCIENTISTS BAFFLED: MAN DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language
Posted on 25-10-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

EFFINBURGH, SCOTLAND.    Scientists at the prestigious University of Effinburgh were shocked to
discover a sheepherder named Lien Nehoc who actually dreamed he was awake when he was not.

Nehoc first went to his family doctor, Melinda Brogan, to discuss dreams that were making him anxious.  When the sheepherder told Brogan that a few nights before he had dreamt he was awake tending sheep at his small farm in Newfordshire, Brogan immediately called her husband, psychiatrist Peter Brogan, for advice.

Since neither doctor had heard of a person who actually dreamed of being awake, Brogan called his former mentor at Effinburgh medical school.  Professor Lawrence Soland also was unfamiliar with the phenomenon despite being the world’s foremost expert on dreams.

“Until Peter called me, neither I nor anyone else had ever even imagined someone asleep could dream of being awake.  The accepted view was that people who were daydreaming and awake could dream of being asleep, but no one could do the opposite. This opens up a whole new area of research for sleep scientists.  Now who knows what the Brannum Foci of the brain are capable of producing?”

Internet chat rooms for sleep researchers are now filled with such questions as:  could someone who is asleep actually dream of having a daydream of being asleep while dreaming of being awake?

FIVE-YEAR-OLD STARTS NEW DIET FAD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Human Body
Posted on 16-09-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Farmington, Iowa.   Ella Williams, an energetic five-year-old lost a front tooth and revolutionized the worldwide quest for an effective diet method.

As if by divine manipulation, Ella happened to weigh herself on the family’s new digital scale.  A few minutes later she lost an upper front tooth that had been loose for a few days.  Just for fun, she then weighed herself again.  Ella and her family were shocked that she had lost seven ounces.

“I had no idea her tooth was so heavy,” said her father, Jonathan Williams, a professional poker player.  When Kristin Williams, Ella’s mom and a publicist for the entertainer will.i.am,  described the weight loss on her Twitter account and put a video of the tooth coming out on YouTube, the video soon became viral and her Twitter account was flooded with comments from all over the world.

Dentists everywhere have reported they are overwhelmed by people, primarily women, who want teeth pulled in order to lose weight.  Since back teeth weigh more than front teeth, most of the requests are to extract the large molars which can weigh as much as nine ounces.

Dr. Pierre LaBouche, a Paris dentist, reported that one of his patients had eight teeth removed, losing almost four pounds.  “The beauty of this form of dieting is that it is permanent and the pain lasts only a few weeks,” said Dr. LaBouche.  “Plus you can continue to eat as much as you want, though many of my patients find it best to avoid certain foods that require heavy-duty chewing.”

Colleen O’Kennedy, President of the International Association of Tooth Fairies (IATF), issued a press release endorsing the new diet fad but cautioning that the tremendous increase in lost teeth would strain her already overworked band of tooth fairies.  “I just hope people are patient,” she said.  “We have not had this volume of work since that communist-inspired fluoride was thrust upon innocent children.”

VENTRILOQUIST PROJECTS OWN VOICE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language, Leisure
Posted on 25-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Miami.  Ventriloquist Samuel “The Voice” Pether has finally perfected the art of projecting his own voice as if it were coming from his own mouth.

man alone on stage “I have been working on this my whole life,” said a proud Pether, an experienced ventriloquist who has performed throughout the world for almost forty years.  “I had gotten pretty good at the usual suspects:  JFK, DeNiro, Obama, John Wayne, and Cheney.  But I just couldn’t crack the ultimate challenge:  me!

 “At first,” he said, “I thought it would be impossible.  It is hard to hear yourself and especially hard to imitate your own voice.  I must have tried it a million times before I got it right.

 “My wife confirmed it.  She walked into the bathroom where I was rehearsing and told me I sounded just like myself.  I literally squealed with joy when she said it.  You can’t imagine how pleased I was. Now I can’t wait to hear what I have to say!”

Audiences have reacted enthusiastically to this part of Pether’s act.  At a recent performance, one man actually shouted “Bravo” and another wept when Pether spent five minutes imitating himself talking to himself about a dog they had in common. 

 “I have never seen anything like it,” said an admiring fiftyish woman who attended the performance.  “Simply stunning! Stunning.!”

BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

Posted by Jeremy Mobius | Posted in Animals, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 29-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.

“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of cancer cellmedicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility.  “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread.  I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”

“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team.  “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell.  It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small.  But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”

President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research.  “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”

SNAKE WITH TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE BODIES FOUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 22-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Madagascar.  French scientists have found the world’s first dual-body living creature when they discovered a snake made up of two entirely separate and independent bodies with different coloring, gender, and DNA chromosomes.

The snake, tentatively called corpora dualis snakus, was found by accident by a team of  zoologists from the Sorbonne attempting to catalog animals in a rapidly disappearing rain forest in Eastern Madagascar.

Professor Pierre Duguy, head of the expedition, said that his native guides saw the two snakes in separate trees about thirty feet above ground.  They climbed the trees and captured both. 

Close examination by veterinarians snakesconfirmed that though the two snakes differed in both color and gender, they are actually one snake with two separate and independent bodies. DNA analysis found that even the DNA was different despite the fact the snakes were one animal.

“Nothing like this has ever been found before,” said Professor Duguy.  “Imagine one animal with two bodies that are of different sexes, different colors, and quite different DNA.  This may well call for a re-examination of our notion of personhood.  After all, if one snake can somehow evolve into two entire separate ones, perhaps people can do the same.

“And so far we have found one snake with two bodies.  But what if this snake has even more bodies, maybe hundreds or even thousands?”

ARMY ISSUES SNUGGIES TO ALL SOLDIERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 20-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  The Department of the Army today announced that starting early next year it would issue camouflage Snuggies, the fleece blanket with sleeves, to all soldiers stationed anywhere in the world.

“The Army has been looking for the UCO (Universal Clothing Option) for years and finally found it a few months ago when one of our soldiers, Specialist Molly Drake, saw an ad on television and alerted her commanding officer who, in turn, contacted the Pentagon’s Office of Procurement,” said a statement issued by the Army’s Public Relations Bureau.

Fashion_Snuggie_Reyn4_t607“We have now ordered three million camouflage Snuggies and got a terrific deal:  two for the price of one plus shipping and handling!  The Snuggies will keep our fighting men and women warm while allowing their hands to be free for hand-to-hand combat.   The Snuggie is also big enough to allow the soldier to keep a weapon underneath the cloth, thereby hiding it from both the enemy and the elements.  Plus, the Snuggie is soft and will be good for morale as it will remind our brave soldiers of the teddy bear they snuggled with as infants. And they can even use it as a blanket or mattress when sleeping!”

“I love my Snuggie,” said Captain William Feld of the Special Forces.  “I can’t wait until the battle is over so I can cuddle up with my favorite book and my Snuggie.  Finally the Army got something right!”

MORNING OFFICIALLY CHANGED TO AFTERNOON

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 18-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON. After over a hundred years of debate and scientific studies, today the International Time Compact was amended by all 188 member countries to swap the morning and afternoon in order to make it easier for people to get up, especially after a late night of reveling or working.

The idea was pioneered by Sasha Kadamian, a Londoner known for her wild parties that lasted well into the morning.  She kept a detailed diary and discovered that after a late party clockwhen she slept until the early afternoon she was not nearly as drowsy during the rest of the day as when she got up at her usual time of 6:30 A.M.  Realizing that a simple switch of mornings and afternoons would essentially mean that most everyone would get up in the afternoon instead of the morning, she began a campaign to officially switch the two times.

Over time, a worldwide movement developed and an official petition was filed  requesting a change in the International Time Compact that governs the clocks of every country in the world.  The effort crowned its success today and was heralded throughout the world.

“I cannot think of a more significant development,” said Dr. Malcom Townsend, the world’s leading expert on sleep.  “This simple step will cure at least half of the sleep problems we doctors face every day.  The literature has long shown that people who get a long sleep and rise in the afternoon are less tired than those who sleep less and get up early in the morning.  With this switch, they can get up at 1:00 PM and be wide awake when they start the morning later in the day.”

The National Economic Council estimated that the change would add more than a trillion dollars of productivity as workers become more efficient in the morning.

DENTAL FLOSS NOT GOOD TOILET PAPER

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Human Body, Inventions
Posted on 18-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

RED CLAY, COLORADO. A man who manufactures more dental floss than anyone in the world concedes that it does not make good toilet paper.

When John Robertson, president of the world’s largest manufacturer of dental floss was vacationing in his remote cabin in the Colorado mountains, he had no idea he would be doing an experiment with his own product. As always, flossing teethRobertson carried a large supply of various types of his dental products in his backpack, including waxed and unwaxed versions of mint and plain dental floss and dental tape.

When a snow storm suddenly trapped him in the cabin, he realized that he and his wife had not restocked the toilet paper and essentially had enough for only one day. When they ran out of toilet paper, Robertson thought that perhaps dental floss would work as well. If so, he hoped it might create an increase in the market for his company’s products.

After three days of using only dental floss after trips to the cabin’s bathroom, Robertson expressed frustration with the experiment. “I am a bit tired of using dental floss, especially the really thin kind,” he told a reporter by cell phone. “And the mint-flavored stings a bit. All in all, I think that toilet paper is far better than dental floss for toilet use.”

“It got really bad when my wife got a bit of diarrhea yesterday.toilet_paper She cursed for the first time in her life. My suggestion that she use our no-flavored, waxed dental tape rather than unwaxed floss did not seem to help.”

“I use dental floss for everything, just like duct tape. But I guess there are limits to what even great dental floss can do,” Robertson said.

MAN TURNS INTO CHERUB FOR NO GOOD REASON

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Human Body, Nature, Religion
Posted on 02-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

angel-cherub-with-letterCARLETON, TENNESSEE.  Twenty-two year old Wayne Logan shocked his family and friends by turning into a cherub for absolutely no good reason.

“I felt fine all along,” said a surprised Logan.  “I got up as usual, but when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom I could not believe my eyes:  I had become a cherub.  Wings,  pudgy body and all.

“This was a shock to my family since no one in our family had ever been a cherub.  We didn’t even have any angels though my Great Uncle Felix did resemble a gnome,” noted Logan.

Charlotte Johnson, Logan’s fiancée, could not believe her ears when Logan gave her the good news.  “Wow, I thought, it would be so cool to marry a cherub, even though he looks like a fat three-year-old child with stubby wings.  My friends will be so jealous.  I can’t wait to see our kids!”

Rabbi David Weinstock of Temple Beth El in Nashville commented that “cherubim are rare in modern life but were far more common many years ago when they guarded the Garden of Eden as well as the entrance to paradise.”

Dr. Janessa Washington, a geneticist at Massachusetts General Hospital, said that though cherubs are rare, genetic mutations are common and must be the reason for Logan’s odd transformation.  “I assume his cherub genes are dominant.  His kids will probably have a twenty-five percent chance of being cherubs themselves.”

SATAN RETIRES BECAUSE MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Human Body, Religion
Posted on 01-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

devilHELL.  Satan shocked the world today when he announced that he is retiring since the world is already saturated with evil and his services are no longer needed.

At a press conference in his palatial mansion in Hell, Satan stunned a room full of news correspondents when he announced that he is retiring after eons of tempting humans into evil behavior.  “I have decided that my services are no longer needed,” said the Devil wearing a bright red cape  and sporting two horns.  “I have looked around the world and find I simply cannot improve on my work.   I have created a Satanic masterpiece!

“There is so much starvation, mean spiritedness, corruption,  and cruelty that my work on earth has been successful.  I decided this after listening to several vicious radio commentators, such as Sean Hannity, and seeing a news report on the widespread death of children in Africa, wars in the Middle East,  homelessness and starvation and sickness in the world’s richest countries, and the lies and misinformation about health care in America. 

“My staff–no pun intended–analyzed the situation, held a victory party,  and decided to move on to other activities.  We will disclose the nature of these new projects in due course.”

Reverend Pat Robertson’s response to news of the retirement was joy:  “This miracle shows God’s power and insight.  By providing wars and starvation and Sean Hannity, God cleverly tricked Satan into giving up without a fight.  Hallelujah.  Triumph!”

NEW YORK TEEN SETS RECORD BY SAYING “LIKE” 17 TIMES IN ONE MINUTE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Leisure
Posted on 25-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 UPPER RIDGE, NY–Sharon Selby is a cute 15 year old sophomore at Upper Ridge High School and was shocked when notified that she had set the international record for saying the word “like” 17 times in a 60-second period during a telephone chat with her best friend, Melody Fancher.

 “Like I had no, like, idea, you know, that Sharon was so famous,” said Fancher. teen girl with braces “It was like a usual conversation.  She said to me, like are you going to the game?  I said, like, yes.  Hello!  Like you know I go.   Like I go to all the games, you know.  She just seemed to me like normal.  You know. She’s like so cool. Like everybody likes her.”

 Brad Kurst, speaking for the Guiness Book of Records, said that Selby’s achievement eclipsed the previous record by three “likes” and was a “notable achievement.”  “She must have practiced a lot,” noted Kurst.  “I doubt if anyone will ever top this record since we disqualify people who stutter.  She almost said ‘like’ every three seconds!”

MALE EQUIVALENT OF WORD “SLUT” DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Bushisms, History, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 NEW HAVEN, CT–A paper published by a Yale English professor in the prestigious Journal of the English Language reported that he and his research team have solved the ancient problem of finding the male equivalent of the word “slut.”

 Professor Fran Willoughby’s article reported that extensivemale_sexy_costume_uniform research among previously unknown letters revealed that “manwhore” was an acceptable male equivalent of “slut” in Eighth Century Norman speech. 

This startling discovery has ended the centuries-long quest for this word.  It had long been thought that the male’s genetic moral purity was deemed to make it unnecessary for the English language to develop a male version of “slut.”

Byron Whitson, head of the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language said that “Professor Willoughby’s magnificent contribution to the literature of language will immortalize him to the literati and he will likely be spoken of in the same manner as writers such as Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss.”

Sociology professor Hans Schumpf of Texas Tech University said that perhaps this discovery would open up new approaches to the study of humanking as it “sheds new light on the male race in its historical and evolutionary development.”

HISTORIANS FIND PEOPLE INVOLVED IN SEX AS EARLY AS 1930

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Leisure, Nature, Religion, Sex Matters
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

AUSTIN,TX.  A research team at the University of Texas has completed a four year study of human behavior and found that human beings had sex as early as 1930.

male female“The accepted view was that people engaged in sex only after World War II when soldiers returned from the front feeling a bit frisky,” said Dr. Oliver Ridings, principal researcher on the federally funded project. “Before that time, the academic community was unanimous in concluding that no one had thought of the idea of having sex.  It was just something that had never dawned on people, like using the computer or Michael Jordan.”

“But our research shows this to be in error.  People actually had man-woman sex as early as 1930.  We researched millions of documents, interviewed thousands of people, and even examined artwork in major galleries.  The conclusion is a slam dunk.”

Not all experts agree.  Dr. William Plank of Princeton’s Sexual Behavior Laboratory said, “It is far too early to reach the conclusions that Dr. Ridings did.  Although his research is important and could turn out to be accurate, much more data are needed before the entire course of history is revised to reflect this new information.”

Dr. Ridings said his team was now involved in exhuming bodies of people buried in the 1920’s and would apply new statistical techniques to assess whether the decomposed bodies had engaged in sexual activity during their lifetime.

The Texas research has led some internationally renowned scholars to suggest that Dr. Ridings may well be on his way to winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his stunning work.

Some religious leaders have expressed horror at the Texas results.  Pastor Elrod Given of the Faith United Baptist Church in Bel Aire, Mississippi, issued a statement condemning the Texas data as inconsistent with the Bible.

“How could it be possible that people engaged in that kind of stuff before 1930 when only a few years before that time Eve emerged from Adam’s body rather than from that kind of stuff?  If people were doing that kind of stuff, don’t you think Eve would have been born rather than fashioned from Adam’s body?” asked Pastor Given.

NEW RESEARCH: BEER TASTES BETTER THAN URINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Leisure
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

beer-glassANN ARBOR.  New research from the University of Michigan found that most people think that beer tastes better than urine, despite the similarity in appearance.

 “We gave double blind tests to 670 undergraduate psychology students and the results were surprising: overall 82% preferred the taste of beer to that of urine,” reported Dr. Maynard Curry, head of the psychology department. 

 “We expected beer to win, but not by this margin.  And it didn’t seem to matter which beer was tested or who or what was the source of the urine.  Why beer was even selected over cat urine by 54% of the participants, and everyone knows that cat urine is special.”

“The only test where urine won was when the beer was Foster’s Light and the urine came from a monkey that had been raised on organic fruits,” reported Dr. Curry.  “The monkey urine was preferred by 72% of the participants.”

 Members of the Beer Producer’s Association issued a statement praising the research.  Evans Special Lager, a  beer made by a small brewery in White Plains, NY,  and one involved in the Michigan research, has already begun an advertising campaign using the slogan: “We Are Even Better than Wee Wee.”