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STARBUCKS OPENS MINI STARBUCKS STORES IN EXISTING STARBUCKS STORES

SEATTLE.  Starbucks,. the world’s largest chain of coffee stores, has opened its first Starbucks store inside an existing Starbucks Store. When Starbucks opened its first store in Seattle in 1971, no one would have guessed that by the end of 2006... Read More

OLYMPICS ADD KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE TELLING FOR 2016

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Geography, History, Sports
Posted on 13-08-2012 | E-mail this to a friend

2016 Olympians

ATHENS. The International Olympics Committee shocked the sports world by announcing even another innovation for the 2016 Summer Games: knock-knock joke telling.

As reported first in Sort of the News in October 2011, the Committee already added six new games for 2016: killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.

The most recent announcement by Hector Lopez for the Committee involves telling the most knock-knock jokes in 1 minute, 37 seconds. The rules require the athlete to assume both roles in the knock-knock dialogue which must be presented in either English or standard sign language. The athlete must laugh sincerely after each knock-knock joke for at least 3 seconds.

“We are continuing to listen to the billions of Olympic fans who have demanded the new sport which has overtaken the international imagination,” said Lopez. “While in the past the youngest athlete to compete was 15 years old, with the new knock-knock sport we anticipate athletes as young as four and as old as 107 may be able to enter the contest.”

VENTRILOQUIST PROJECTS OWN VOICE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language, Leisure
Posted on 25-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Miami.  Ventriloquist Samuel “The Voice” Pether has finally perfected the art of projecting his own voice as if it were coming from his own mouth.

man alone on stage “I have been working on this my whole life,” said a proud Pether, an experienced ventriloquist who has performed throughout the world for almost forty years.  “I had gotten pretty good at the usual suspects:  JFK, DeNiro, Obama, John Wayne, and Cheney.  But I just couldn’t crack the ultimate challenge:  me!

 “At first,” he said, “I thought it would be impossible.  It is hard to hear yourself and especially hard to imitate your own voice.  I must have tried it a million times before I got it right.

 “My wife confirmed it.  She walked into the bathroom where I was rehearsing and told me I sounded just like myself.  I literally squealed with joy when she said it.  You can’t imagine how pleased I was. Now I can’t wait to hear what I have to say!”

Audiences have reacted enthusiastically to this part of Pether’s act.  At a recent performance, one man actually shouted “Bravo” and another wept when Pether spent five minutes imitating himself talking to himself about a dog they had in common. 

 “I have never seen anything like it,” said an admiring fiftyish woman who attended the performance.  “Simply stunning! Stunning.!”

MAN TURNS INTO CHERUB FOR NO GOOD REASON

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Human Body, Nature, Religion
Posted on 02-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

angel-cherub-with-letterCARLETON, TENNESSEE.  Twenty-two year old Wayne Logan shocked his family and friends by turning into a cherub for absolutely no good reason.

“I felt fine all along,” said a surprised Logan.  “I got up as usual, but when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom I could not believe my eyes:  I had become a cherub.  Wings,  pudgy body and all.

“This was a shock to my family since no one in our family had ever been a cherub.  We didn’t even have any angels though my Great Uncle Felix did resemble a gnome,” noted Logan.

Charlotte Johnson, Logan’s fiancée, could not believe her ears when Logan gave her the good news.  “Wow, I thought, it would be so cool to marry a cherub, even though he looks like a fat three-year-old child with stubby wings.  My friends will be so jealous.  I can’t wait to see our kids!”

Rabbi David Weinstock of Temple Beth El in Nashville commented that “cherubim are rare in modern life but were far more common many years ago when they guarded the Garden of Eden as well as the entrance to paradise.”

Dr. Janessa Washington, a geneticist at Massachusetts General Hospital, said that though cherubs are rare, genetic mutations are common and must be the reason for Logan’s odd transformation.  “I assume his cherub genes are dominant.  His kids will probably have a twenty-five percent chance of being cherubs themselves.”

PHOTO OF NOTHING WINS POSTMODERN PRIZE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Arts
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Marilyn Foster, a South African photographer, has been awarded the prestigious Calder Award for Postmodern Creative Art for her stunning black and white photo of nothing.

 Foster’s photograph featured a bright white background with nothing in the foreground.  picframe

 “I was shocked and am humbled by the honor,” said a beaming Foster.  “I have always wanted to win the Calder but never thought I would be lucky enough to be selected over the thousands of terrific postmodern artists around the world.”

“The utter simplicity of her concept, so powerfully expressing the utter randomness of modern life, made the choice easy,” said Clive Plagget, the Chair of the Calder Award Selection Committee. “Her bold statement literally blew away the selection committee.  One member, who shall remain anonymous, actually cried when he first looked at Foster’s dynamic photograph.”

 Bethany Shwartz, another member of the selection committee, anonymously commented that “Foster may well be the Rembrandt of postmodern art.”  “Marilyn Foster’s work, particularly the photograph for which she received the Calder, will be viewed with awe for generations.  I know for a fact that a certain distinguished art critic is preparing a book on the Foster photo and he fully expects the book to be an instant best seller.  Reproductions of the photo will go for hundreds of thousands of dollars.”

FAKE LAUGH ACTORS STRIKE, STOPPING SITCOM PRODUCTIONS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Bushisms, Leisure, Tragedies
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 old-man-laughingLOS ANGELES.  The International Brotherhood of Fake Laugh Artists began a strike that stopped production of all sitcoms and caused the stock market to plunge.

 The fake laugh artists contract expired at midnight two weeks ago and the union’s members voted yesterday to begin an immediate strike.  The key issue is residuals for reruns.  Union members, who provide the fake laughs that are an integral part of every sitcom, seek pay equal to that of the major actors in the sitcoms.

 Reacting to the strike, all sitcoms ceased production and the world stock market retreated an average of 20%.  Criminologists in the United States and Bangladesh have expressed concerns  that the lack of sitcoms on nightly television could result in a substantial increase in crime and may even boost the birth rate as people no longer want to watch television for several hours every night.

 Union officials said the strike was long overdo.  “The truth is,” said union president Fay Anderson, “that the actors who perform the fake laughs for sitcoms are every bit as talented as the actors who recite the lines in front of the cameras.  We are the ones who make the sitcoms funny and worth watching.”

 “Without us,” continued Anderson, “the jokes and sketches on sitcoms would not be the least bit hilarious.”  “Plus,” she said, “how would people even know that they had been told a joke or pun or seen something really funny without our talented union members?”

 Speaking for the Association of Sitcom Producers, Gerald Pitler disagreed.  “I admit that the actors who provide fake laughs are very talented and skilled, but I do think they should be paid the same as the principal actors on the sitcoms.  Are they actually saying that someone who does fake laughter for the Seinfeld program should be compensated the same as Jerry Seinfeld?”

 Because of the national impact of the strike, President Bush has offered the services of federal mediators to resolve it.  At his weekly press conference, President Bush said,  “I think the performers and the laughers should get together and solutionate this problem.  We must not forget that our brave men and women in Iraq and other combative places need sitcoms to relieve the tension of being in a tense place.”

CURIOUS GEORGE NO LONGER CURIOUS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Leisure, Literature, Tragedies
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK.  The author of the Curious George set of books for children has concluded that his character, Curious George, has become so attached to video games that he is no longer curious.

 H.A. Rey, the author of the hugely successful series of children’s booksCuriousGeorge involving an animal named Curious George, announced through a publicist, Ivina Dothard,  that Curious George has somehow lost his sense of awe and curiosity.  Rey attributed the unfortunate change to the animal-formerly-known-as-Curious-George’s addiction to video games. 

 Now, according to Dothard, Curious George is only interested in violence and has become so mean-spirited that he is no longer suitable for children’s books.  “He spaces out all the time and growls when children walk by,”  reported Dothard.  Rey and others are looking into the possibility of changing the audience of the series from children to mentally disturbed adults bent on violence.

MAN WRITES RACHMANIOFF’S RHAPSODY ON A THEME OF PAGININI

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Leisure
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

COSBY, TENNESSEE.  Fletcher Baldwin, a previously unknown piano tuner-farmer, has just completed composing Rachmaninoff’s Rhapsody on a Theme of Paginini and is already heralded as the next world’s greatest composer.

 Baldwin, who had never written anything related to music, country manother than creative lyrics for the classic Happy Birthday to You song that was sung for his 11-year-old daughter Ella, composed Rachmaninoff’s Rhapsody over a weekend last summer.

 “It just came to me,”he said.  “It had been going around in my head for a couple of days so I decided, what the heck. At first I thought it was a country music song.  I really dig country music.”

 Dr. Roberto Kotay, head of the Piano Department at the famed Juilliard School of Music in Manhattan, examined Baldwin’s piece carefully and proclaimed it to be “identical in every way with the beautiful Rhapsody by Rachmaninoff.”

 “The existence of two absolutely identical piano concerti of this superb quality will cause generations of pianists to fret over which version to play.   “I guess I am enough of a traditionalist to prefer the Rachmaninoff version,” said Dr. Kotay, “but the Baldwin version is equally as beautiful.”

 When contacted on his Cosby chicken farm, Baldwin reported he was humbled by all the attention he had received and decided he would continue composing classical piano music.  “I am now deciding whether to continue composing Rachmaninoff pieces, such as the Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No.3, or to move on to something even more challenging, such as Mendelssohn’s Wedding March from A Midsummer’s Night Dream.”

 It is a fair statement to say that the music world is awaiting this decision with the greatest anticipation.

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