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TOO BIG TO FAIL: CONGRESS GIVES STIMULUS MONEY TO NY YANKEES

Washington, DC. President Obama signed a new law giving the New York Yankees $3 billion in stimulus money to pay for quality free agents. “I hated to do it considering the deficit,” said President Obama at a press conference held immediately after... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 27-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

ADORABLE GIRL ANNOUNCES FOR PRESIDENTIAL RUN IN 2056

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Election 2056, History, Politics
Posted on 22-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

unnamed[3]NEW YORK.  In a startling announcement, a really cute five-month old baby has formally announced she is a Democrat candidate for President of the United States in 2056 and has provided a platform likely to be quite attractive to many voters.

“I am sick and tired of these politicians,” said Charlotte Kennedy from her crib in a Manhattan apartment [see photo on right] where she was already practicing her acceptance speech.  “Blah, blah, blah.  That’s all they say,” she said.  “We need courageous solutions, not just words.”  She then slobbered a slight amount and announced her bold Ten Points for America.”

  1. I will be for the American people who are all Outstanding Americans, even those who don’t really look like it.
  2. I think America is the best country in the world and Americans are the smartest, most creative, and mightiest people on earth and all other countries suck.
  3. I will not waste money, decrease expenditures, or increase taxes.  Government assistance for child care or milk subsidies is not wasting money.
  4. I will work with members of all parties in order to get diaper changing tables in men’s bathrooms all over this great country.
  5. I will enact tax reform to simplify the tax code without compromising important provisions and will increase the tax exemption for adorable children.
  6. I will solve the immigration problem without providing amnesty or letting in people who should not be let in.
  7. I will encourage SAFE gun practices including limiting childrens’ access to machine guns, bazookas, and small atomic weapons.
  8. I will protect the air and water while providing an environment allowing businesses to flourish without job-killing government regulations.  My first act as President will be to issue a regulation stating that putting a slide in a park is not harmful to the environment.
  9. I will have a strong role in international events without committing American money or troops anywhere.
  10. I will not steal anything from the White House.

Randolph Macon, head of the local Democratic Party, called Ms. Kennedy “a breath of fresh air.  Just what the people need.”  Macon’s sentiment was echoed by street interviews.  A few signs have even appeared, declaring “Kennedys Make Great Presidents” and “It’s Time for Another Kennedy.”

SURVEY: TELEVISION PERSONALITY AND WARLORD ARE BEST JOBS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Sports, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 16-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

what-you-need-to-do-at-career-fairs_16001154_800833131_0_0_14037941_500[1]Washington.  The International Survey Foundation announced the results of its first poll of The Best Job in the World, showing marked and unexpected diversity among regions.

The poll of random people in 168 countries produced some startling results. Each respondent was asked to name “the best job in the world.”   In the United States, by far the most preferred career was “Television Personality.”  Most respondents reasoned that this is the only full time job where you can get paid millions and have no idea why or have anything to do.  “Professional Athlete” was a distant second among Americans.  The third choice was “Having a Rich Daddy” though some academics have questioned whether this is really a job.  “Getting a Fat Allowance”, however, was universally considered to be a legitimate job and finished ninth in the American poll.

In Afghanistan the results were quite different.   Over 90% of respondents indicated that being a “Warlord” was the best job in the world.  “Goat Herding” was a distant second followed by “Shooting People.”  Interestingly, ”Shooting People” was only eleventh in the American poll.

The only unanimous poll occurred in Australia where 100% of 84,000 respondents said “Being in a Beer Commercial” was the best job in the world.

No surprisingly, the Vatican poll showed “Being Pope” as a popular choice.  However, there was a strange and unexplained divergence since over 100,000 males overwhelmingly voted this way but only three women did.

 

MISSISSIPPI ADDS RIGHT SHOE AS OFFICIAL STATE SHOE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

259196_stock-photo-old-bootJackson, Mississippi.  As part of a larger plan to attract businesses and tourists to Mississippi, Governor Buddy Ray Baldwin announced that the legislature had just selected the right shoe as the Official Shoe of Mississippi.

“For several years now our progressive legislature has been enacting laws designed to make Mississippi even more appealing to businesses and tourists from all over the world,” said Governor Baldwin.  “When someone pointed out we have an official Tree and an Official Bird but do not have an Official Shoe, the legislature sprong (sic) into action.   A subcommittee was formed in each house, over 600 extensive hearings were conducted both in Jackson and around the State, and it became clear that the citizens of this Great State wanted the right shoe as their Official Shoe. This became even more compelling when the Senate Committee discovered that Mississippi would be the first state in the Union to have an Official State Shoe. ”

“The right shoe was selected, “continued the Governor, “because it shows clearly that this Great State is right-leaning and God-fearing;  not one of the Communist left-leaning States like California and New York.  I understand they are both considering making marijuana their state plant.  In contrast, our decision shows plainly that Mississippians are working folk because every worker in the State wears a right shoe;  it is required by safety laws.”

Yoguna Tagasaki, head of site selection for Toyota, issued a public statement about the news.  “Before Mississippi adopted the right shoe as its Official Shoe, frankly Toyota had eliminated it for consideration for our next mega-factory in the U.S.  But now the ball game has changed.  In our assessment, Mississippi has become a leader in the competition for the factory.  We seek a progressive environment and what could be more creative and progressive than the adoption of an Official Shoe.”

In response to Mississippi’s bold and seemingly successful action, at least twenty other states are now exploring adopting their own Official Shoe as part of the cutthroat business of attracting jobs.  Delaware is even considering the adoption of its Official Shoe, Glove, Sock, Baseball Bat, Word, Pretzel. Ice Cream, Color, Lego Piece, Cosmetic Surgery, and Garden Tool.

 

 

FRENCH ADOPT CARRY LAW FOR GUILLOTINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, History, Human Body, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

PARIS.  In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.sotn mini guillotine

The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine.  French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.

“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter.  “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like.  Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them.  We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say.  I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”

Not all French agree with Dumont.  Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever.  “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists.  We would be powerless to do anything!”

In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines.  The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size.  It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide.  It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings.  It can also be used to cut tomatoes.

WORKER TOO BUSY FOR FAST FOOD

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Inventions, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 20-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

burger and friesNew York.  Philip Begley, a lawyer with a large Wall Street law firm, is now too busy  for fast food.

“I used to eat fast food all the time,” said Begley.   “I loved hamburgers and Nathan’s hot dogs, but I am so overwhelmed that I just don’t have the time to get fast food.

“You have no idea how long it takes to get a quarter pounder, even if the store is not busy.  Last month I tried one more time but it took me almost two minutes to get my order. I don’t have that time to waste.”

McDonald’s issued a statement noting that “This is a serious issue that we have been aware of for several years.  Our staff is working on it night and day.  One thing we are addressing is how to get our food out much faster.  In this modern world, people just don’t have the luxury of waiting to get their fast food.

“One possibility, still in the early development stage, is to deliver our food over the internet and eventually through cell phones.  This could allow us to fill orders instantly and in the place where our busy customers are working.  Imagine how much time our patrons will save when we get over the minor technical hurdles that currently prevent us from delivering our food products over the internet or cell phone. 

“In the not too distant future you will be able to have a tasty McDonald’s hamburger or shake delivered to your cell phone and at a click of an app, the picture of the food will be reconstituted into the real thing.  Hot and delicious, as if we had just prepared it for you at one of our fine restaurants. We may even include an American flag with the order to symbolize American ingenuity!”

TOO BIG TO FAIL: CONGRESS GIVES STIMULUS MONEY TO NY YANKEES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Politics, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 28-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC. President Obama signed a new law giving the New York Yankees $3 billion in stimulus money to pay for quality free agents.

“I hated to do it considering the deficit,” said President Obama at a press conference held immediately after the signing in the Oval Office. “But we’re talking about the Yankees. NY YankeesFrankly, they are just too big to fail. No American would want the government to stand by and watch a baseball icon not win the World Series every single year. It would be worse than letting Chrysler or Ford or Citi Bank fail. Pretty soon the Japanese would field the dominant baseball team and literally thousands of American jobs would be sent overseas. “

“A bold move,” said Nobel Economist Helen Patel. “By one stroke of the pen President Obama has ensured continued American dominance in an arena many other countries would like to enter on an even playing field.”

“This is really cool,” said Sal Alterio of the Bronx. “The Yankees is the beast. Obama is the man. He plays basketball, you know. I don’t get the bank stuff but, hey, this is the Yankees.”

Robert Patterson of Boston was not as enthusiastic. “This sucks,” muttered Patterson, an unemployed cook and rabid Red Sox fan. “Why would Obama help the Yankees who don’t need help and ignore the Sox who could use a few more stars. Doesn’t seem fair to me.”

WALL STREET DEREGULATES CONGRESS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Politics
Posted on 21-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

wall street street signNew York.  At a secret meeting of the leaders of virtually every Wall Street investment and legal firm, it was unanimously decided that Congress should be deregulated so that “market forces can be freed to release the financial colossus of the American economy.”

“We have gone too long with a Congress that is hamstringing the American economy with rules and regulations that seriously impede Wall Street’s ability to do what it does best:  allow the American economy and the American worker to thrive.” said a person who attended the session but agreed to be quoted only on the condition of anonymity. 

The source continued, “From now on, all these stupid, short-sighted government policies dealing with health, safety, the stock market and banks as well as those limiting the income and benefits of Members of Congress will be repealed and replaced by the market forces, which is the greatest protection Americans could ever have.”

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R. Ohio) immediately endorsed capitol-hill-buildingthe concept of deregulating Congress.  “It is about time that we extend the free market economy to Congress where it has been sorely lacking.  Getting rid of useless laws and regulations and freeing members of Congress to take full advantage of the economic benefits of serving the people should produce a far more productive lawmaking body.”

REPUBLICANS VOW TO REPEAL ALL FEDERAL TAXES; GOVERNMENT—NOT THE PEOPLE—TO PAY FOR GOVERNMENT EXPENDITURES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 15-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Uncle Sam pocketsWashington.  The head of the Republican Party revealed its plan, the Blueprint for an Efficient America, that will repeal 100% of all federal taxes and, instead, have the government itself pay for its own expenditures.

“We think this will make life easier for all Americans of this great country and will force the government to be more efficient since it will now be spending its own money rather than that of the American taxpayer, who has paid to support this spendthrift government for over a thousand years,” said Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  “Now the baby will have to provide for itself.  It’s about time!”

“Finally something sensible out of Washington,” said Robert Billy Foster, Chair of Tea Party United, an umbrella group for the tea party movement.  “From now on if the government wants to spend any money it will have to either print new money, borrow, or go to an ATM machine. Americans will be able to earn and spend their own money without having to prop up a wasteful ungodly government. Tea party members will now move to having the states adopt the same approach.  Imagine, no sales tax, no property tax, no income tax!”

Dr. William Yu, Harvard’s Nobel Prize winning economist, was speechless when he heard about the Republican plan, uttering only a succinct, “Huh?”   This sentiment was echoed by Alan Greenspan, the former head of the Federal Reserve who said, “Would you say that again?”

DENTAL FLOSS NOT GOOD TOILET PAPER

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Human Body, Inventions
Posted on 18-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

RED CLAY, COLORADO. A man who manufactures more dental floss than anyone in the world concedes that it does not make good toilet paper.

When John Robertson, president of the world’s largest manufacturer of dental floss was vacationing in his remote cabin in the Colorado mountains, he had no idea he would be doing an experiment with his own product. As always, flossing teethRobertson carried a large supply of various types of his dental products in his backpack, including waxed and unwaxed versions of mint and plain dental floss and dental tape.

When a snow storm suddenly trapped him in the cabin, he realized that he and his wife had not restocked the toilet paper and essentially had enough for only one day. When they ran out of toilet paper, Robertson thought that perhaps dental floss would work as well. If so, he hoped it might create an increase in the market for his company’s products.

After three days of using only dental floss after trips to the cabin’s bathroom, Robertson expressed frustration with the experiment. “I am a bit tired of using dental floss, especially the really thin kind,” he told a reporter by cell phone. “And the mint-flavored stings a bit. All in all, I think that toilet paper is far better than dental floss for toilet use.”

“It got really bad when my wife got a bit of diarrhea yesterday.toilet_paper She cursed for the first time in her life. My suggestion that she use our no-flavored, waxed dental tape rather than unwaxed floss did not seem to help.”

“I use dental floss for everything, just like duct tape. But I guess there are limits to what even great dental floss can do,” Robertson said.

NEW YORK SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography
Posted on 25-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK.  At 12:30 AM today subway riders at the 14th Street station were shocked when a routine announcement over the subway loudspeaker was able to be understood by everyone waiting for the F train to Brooklyn.

“I have never heard anything like it,” said Deborah Feld from Brooklyn.  “I actually understood every word the man said.  It was eerie, almost scary.”

Clarence Porter, spokesperson for the subway system, issued a statement, “This office is looking into the situation.  We are checking all the audio equipment in that station to see if there is a malfunction.  This kind of thing just doesn’t subwayhappen and we intend to get to the bottom of it.  Our wonderful passengers have a right to safe travel where their peace of mind is not interrupted by trivial messages.”

 An officer of the union representing the transportation workers commented,  on the condition of anonymity, “I can’t say anything definitive since the membership has not spoken on the issue, but I can tell you that we are serious about seeking pay and other benefit increases for the extra burden placed on our members if there is any expectation that our workers now must not only be polite and competent but may also have to be comprehensible.  The authorities need to understand they cannot keep demanding more from us without offering commensurate rewards for the new responsibilities.”

Rahim Jcbyrkyowqbzz, President of the Immigrant Subway Workers Association, issued a statement threatening a lawsuit over the “blatant potential discrimination against the foreign born subway worker.  Obviously any policy encouraging–or God forbid, requiring–comprehensible announcements will result in even more limited opportunities for the hard subway worker who, though he or she is thoroughly familiar and job certified in how to use the public address system,  suddently is barred from making announcements simply because he or she cannot speak understandable English.”

CHENEY OPENS CONSULTING FIRM FOR WARLORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Politics
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC–Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, announced the formation of an international consulting firm to assist warlords throughout the world.

“Warlords are a forgotten entity,” said a somber Cheney.  “My partners and I were looking for a niche and we discovered that no one was providing warlords with technical and strategic advice, yet that segment of government is desperately in need of training in the most modern approaches.  We expect to be up and running in a few months.

dickcheney1“A number of warlords have already contacted us and we are negotiating to provide them with our services.  Several have already signed to be our clients.

“We have hired some of the best former CIA and KGB interrogators, computer experts, and armament procurers from all over the globe.  Our public relations department will be second to none.  It has already come up with a nice jingle that will be used by a particular warlord in a country I am not at liberty to name. 

“Since our new company will hire many people, we have applied for government stimulus money.  We are also exploring the possibility of purchasing nuclear weapons expertise and materials since some of our potential clients are interested in this aspect of defending their legitimate interests.

“If this business works as well as we think, we are already exploring the possibility of expanding it to other ignored professions such as drug lords, petty dictators, religious zealots, and professional assassins.”

The Wall Street Journal published an editorial praising the new company as “an illustration of the market economy’s wonderful ability to adjust to new situations and improve efficiency in every aspect of life.”

NEW LETTER OF ALPHABET DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Inventions, Literature, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Scientists at the Cambridge University Planetarium announced today that they have discovered a new letter of the alphabet located between “R” and “S.”

“We were using our Newton Telescope, the most powerful in the world, and stumbled on the new letter between “R” and “S,” said Dr. Nigel Hawthorne of the Cambridge Observatory.

alphabet-letters “We weren’t even actually looking for it.  Our attention was on the possibility of a new planet, but were we shocked at our discovery!”

 “We have tentatively named the new letter ‘Thud’ which seemed to fit perfectly between “R” and “S.”   It resembles a circle with a dead snake in it and hair on top of the circle.  It is actually quite pretty,” claimed Hawthorne.

 “Plus, the letter ‘thud’ is consistent with the “A,B,C” song, which can still be sung with the new letter in it,” Dr. Hawthorne reported.

 As one would expect, the discovery has sent shock waves throughout the world.  The Wall Street Journal announced it would add the new letter in its alphabetical listing of stock prices and several dictionary companies have issued a recall of their products which are now obsolete.

 The producers of alphabet soup have already included the new letter.

President Bush praised the discovery as once again proving that “America is on the foremount of scientific quests.”  When reminded that the discovery was made by English rather than American scientists, the President apologized for the error and said that he had momentarily forgotten that England was no longer an American colony.

INDONESIA CREATES KNOCK OFF OF CHINESE KNOCK OFF OF FRENCH PURSE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, Inventions
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

purseWASHINGTON.  In a development that has sent shock waves through international commercial markets, federal authorities announced the first-ever discovery of Indonesian-made knock offs of Chinese knocks offs of designer purses.

 Charles Feldpath, spokesperson for the New York FBI office, announced at a press conference that federal agents, working undercover in Chinatown, arrested a Chinese man selling Indonesian-made knock offs of Chinese-knock offs of French purses bearing the label of Pierre LaRoche, the famous clothes designer.  Each purse bore the misleading label, “Made in France,” in both English and Chinese. 

Fearing that this new development would wreak havoc with the thriving Chinese business of manufacturing knock off versions of virtually everything,  Chow Sung, the Chinese ambassador to the United Nations, held a press conference to present the views of his government.

 “First, I have been instructed to say that the Chinese government pledges its full cooperation in the investigation of this grave challenge to international trade.  The Chinese government demands an international conference on the theft of Chinese intellectual property and requests prompt action by the United Nations on this affront to Chinese integrity,” said Ambassador Sung.  

 “The people of China strongly condemn those third world countries that do not respect the integrity of the beautiful goods made by hard-working Chinese children.”

 Sung also expressed a concern that “consumers worldwide, who rely on the superior quality of Chinese knock offs, would suffer by purchasing inferior goods on the belief that they were made by Chinese children when in fact they were the product of Indonesian children.”

 The Indonesian government issued a formal statement denying any knowledge of such knock offs and suggested that China should mind its own business.  In language meant as either a complex riddle or as a veiled threat, the Indonesian statement noted that “our brother to the North must remember that the fortune in fortune cookies may bite the fortune teller.”

ENTIRE MEXICAN STATE OF CHIHUAHUA FOUND WORKING IN PHOENIX

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

mexican workersPHOENIX.  A spokesperson for the U.S. Immigration Service reported that the entire Mexican state of Chihuahua was found working for the Green-As-You-Like-It  Landscaping Company in Phoenix.

 Mexican officials confirmed that inspectors were unable to locate anyone in Chihuahua, the largest state in Mexico and officially home to almost three million residents. 

 “An anonymous caller reported that there was something odd in Ciudad Juarez, the largest city in the State of Chihuahua, ” said Pedro Ramirez, an investigator for the Mexican government.  “We sent investigators there who discovered that the town was completely empty, the houses, everything.  We thought it was some kind of drug thing.  But we checked further and found that all the people in the entire state just up and left.”

 “Last Monday all three million of them walked across the American border totally undisturbed.  Apparently they told the U.S. border guards that they were Chinese investors considering opening a new factory in America.”

 “I could not believe my eyes,” said Robert Martinez, a field officer for the Immigration Service who found the missing Chihuahuans in Phoeniz.  “You just don’t expect to find that many people working for one company.  And don’t forget, we’re talking men, women, children, older folks, everyone.”

 A reporter for the Phoeniz Gazette, Philip Green, interviewed one of the Chihuahuans, who agreed to speak on the condition that his/her gender not be identified.  Rosa Suarez, a 47-year-old bank teller who had lived in Chihuahua all her life, said that she and her family decided to leave Chihuahua because there were so many more opportunities in the U.S. “We discussed it with our family and friends and pretty soon everyone wanted to go with us.  We said, why not?  There are Taco Bells everywhere so it will be just like home.”

 “So we packed up everything and walked across the border.  It was easy.  We told the border guards we were Chinese investors.  They believed us when they saw we had black hair and did not speak English.”

 Consuelo Gomez, owner of the Green-As-You-Like-It company,  declined to comment, but her lawyer, Escobedo Fuentes, spoke to reporters at his office.  “My client has done nothing wrong,” he said.  “She runs a first rate, law-abiding business.  She has no idea where these people came from.  A few people extra people showed up for work last Tuesday and she hired them.  Big deal.”

 When word spread of the way the Chihuahuans crossed the border, governors of three states began intensive efforts to have the Chinese plant located in their state.

PRESIDENT BUSH CONDEMNS AL QUAEDA AND OTHER MUSLIMIST SUPPORTERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

UPPER MENNETONKA.  In a speech to the VFW in Upper Minnetonka, Minnesota, President Bush made a scathing attack on what he called the “interfidelity of the Muslimists.”  bush giving finger

 Speaking before a friendly crowd of 450 people wearing thin black VFW hats, President Bush, also adorned in a VFW  hat that kept falling off during his speech, creating a sea of laughter in the room,  noted that at least all and perhaps even more of  the present problems in the world are attributed to one source: Islamic Muslimists.  Despite the fact that his speech was interrupted by standing applause after each sentence, Mr. Bush was able to express his strong views with firmness and compelling logic.

 First noting that Al Quaeda is responsible for much misery and destruction, he condemned Osama Bin Laden and anything else obviously supporting the Al Quaeda cause.  Those getting the sharp edge of his talk included the well-known Al Quaeda supporters:  Al Capone, Al Gore, Al Jolson, Al Franken, Al Roker, Al Sharpton, Al Pacino, Weird Al Jankovic, baseball player Al Kaline, and sportscaster Al Michaels.  

 He also accused the alcohol treatment program, Al-Anon, of being a front for Al Quaeda and permitting its supporters to meet and conspire against America.

 The element aluminum, identified as Al, was characterized as a serious threat to American health as intelligence reports indicate that Al Quada sympathizers are planning on using it to wrap food. 

 The President reserved his harshest words for those “gullible people” who were convinced to eat Al Quaeda’s favorite food: pasta al dente.  He also criticized those who flew on Al Quaeda’s official airline, El Al.  By Executive Order he banned the military from buying Alkaline batteries.

 President Bush then turned to the solution: the free world must “coalinsce behind the concepts of freedom and democracy and cast out governments and people who threaten the very fabric of our spaceship called democracy.”

 Many in the audience wept.  Vern Chalmers, a Viet Nam veteran, said that “if we had a man like that in the White House in 1975 we”d still be in Vietnam where we should be.”

HEIR MAKES MONEY THE OLD FASHIONED WAY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

money stackNEW YORK.  Chase Abbott Hunter IV of Manhattan inherited $700 million yesterday and declared that he had made his money the old fashioned way.

 “I was not born to riches since my Dad only had about $50 million then,  but he died with over $700 million,  making me sort of the typical American folk hero,” said Hunter.

 “I believe in old fashioned values and what could be more old fashioned than inheriting a fortune?  People have been doing it for years, like kings and Bill Gates and Tiger Woods.”

 “My story should be an inspiration to generations of Americans,” he said.  “I am considering making a movie of it to be distributed free of charge to poor people all over the world.   Those who follow my example will be able to get out of the harsh poverty they face and be able to afford things like a Mercedes and even a small jet and give some money to the Republican Party as God wants us to.”

“Instead of ‘Be like Mike’ it will be,  ‘Be like Chase Abbot Hunter IV.’  This may become the world’s motto in a few years and rescue humanity from the throes of abject poverty,” said Hunter proudly.

President Bush noted the “Hunter Phenomenon” at his weekly press conference.  “I cannot tell you how proud I am that my close friend Chase is becoming such a world idol.  If more people were like him, we could illuminate poverty in our lifetime.”

[136 words]

PATENT OFFICE RECOGNIZES PATENT OF AIR

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Human Body, Inventions
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON.  The United States Patent Office has finally recognized that air was patented by May Ellen Pinkston, a chemist from Toledo, Ohio, in 1932.

 Though Dr. May Ellen Pinkston died in 1958, her heirs just received the good news that her patent application for air was finally acknowledged by the U.S. Patent Office. 

 Dr. Pinkston discovered the existence of air in her lab at the University of Akron in 1931 when she solved the age-old question of the function of lungs in the human body. Previously it was generally accepted that lungs only function was to produce phlegm, one of the original elements first discovered by early Greek scientists and long thought to be the chemical basis for all life.

The next year Dr. Pinkston filed a patent application which for unknown reasons was never formally recognized by the Patent Office.

 “We are really happy,” said her granddaughter Faith Pinkston Eubanks of Anchorage, Alaska.  “Now we will be able to afford a home and maybe even some furniture.”

 “We are not sure yet how we are going to market air, but tentative plans are to charge everyone on earth fifty cents a day to use it.  Considering the importance of air, we think this is a fair price.  We assume governments will have some form of assistance for people who cannot afford this rather modest cost.”

 Consumer advocate Ralph Nader said the price was a “rip off considering it cost absolutely nothing to produce air.”

 President Bush applauded the Patent Office for its decision that “once again revealed the superiorocity of the American free market system and the intelligensia of the American people.”

 [235 words]

PERSIAN RUG DEALER OFFERS RUGS NOT ON SALE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

rugBOSTON.  A Boston oriental rug dealer shocked the retail rug world by advertising a huge “Not on Sale Inventory Reduction” event.

 “I used to have sales all the time,” reported Muhammad Rashad, owner of the Fine Rugs Emporium on Massachusetts Avenue in Boston, “but I decided to step into the unknown and sell my rugs for the retail price, the one that I used to cross out on the price tag.  So now I cross out the sale price and write the full retail price on the ticket.”

 “This can’t be true,” said a skeptical Rashad Muhmmad, President of the Greater Boston Carpet Dealer’s Association.  “I have run a very successful Persian rug retail store in Boston for over thirty years and I have never seen or even heard of a Persian rug that is not on sale.  It could revoluntionize the retail carpet business.”

 A customer in Rashad’s store, Melinda Green, reacted favorably to the new approach. “I appreciate honesty in retailing,” she said.  “I knew that the price tag on these rugs contained a fake retail price and I always resented the effort to mislead me into thinking the so-called sale price was really a great deal.  Now I know that the retail price really is the retail price.  Mr. Rashad has elevated the ethics of the business and I plan on buying all my rugs from him.”

STARBUCKS OPENS MINI STARBUCKS STORES IN EXISTING STARBUCKS STORES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

starbucks-logoSEATTLE.  Starbucks,. the world’s largest chain of coffee stores, has opened its first Starbucks store inside an existing Starbucks Store.

When Starbucks opened its first store in Seattle in 1971, no one would have guessed that by the end of 2006 it would have over 12,000 locations worldwide.  This success has made it seem there is a Starbucks on every corner of some towns and investors have expressed concerns that the growth of Starbucks will be limited by the lack of new markets.

In a bold move unmatched in the history of retail sales, Starbucks has developed a corporate strategy that could easily double the existing number of stores in a few years without the need to rent or purchase new real estate or even enter questionable markets.  Rather than seeking locations where there is no Starbucks outlet, the new approach is to open new Starbucks stores inside existing Starbucks stores.

 The first Starbucks-in-Starbucks store will open next week in Seattle, where Starbucks’ home office is located. Marilyn Forrest, the chief spokesperson for Starbucks, said the new concept stores would be slightly smaller than the Starbucks store in which they are located but would serve exactly the “same delicious coffees and other products and would look just like their larger parent” store. 

 The new store would benefit, she said, by being able to pick up business from the overflow of the existing Starbucks store.  When lines at the “parent” store got long, Ms. Forrest said that the people at the back of the line may go to the “child” Starbucks store and get served more quickly.  Moreover, the larger store’s successful sales record will virtually insure that the smaller store will be successful, especially since its operating costs will be so much lower and the concept will not be extended to marginal parent stores.

 The stock market reacted favorably to the announcement.  Shares of Starbucks stock went up by 22% the day after information of the the initiative was announced in the press.