Dublin, Ireland. After years of speculation about the birth of President O’Bama, an anonymous source produced the official birth certificate of the President and established conclusively that he was born in Cork, Ireland, and was named Barney O’Bama at 7:24 P.M. on August 4, 1961.
“I knew there was something Irish about him,” said Conor O’Neill, President of the Republic of Ireland. “You could tell it in his face, maybe the twinkle in his wee eye. He actually looks very Irish. Everyone is so proud to have one of us now the President of the United States. Actually, this should not have surprised anyone; in Gaelic the word “O’Bama” means “big ears.”
Senator John McCain, defeated by O’Bama in 2008, issued a formal statement that he had always suspected “O’Bama was not a real American. Now we know he was not pretending not to be a Muslim; he was actually pretending not to be Irish. My staff is now investigating whether O’Bama is even eligible to serve as President because of his Irish birth.
“Since I was the runner-up in the election, I assume I’ll automatically be sworn in as President should the Irishman be ineligible to serve.” When reminded that the Constitution specifically provided for a line of succession if the President becomes incapable of holding the office, Senator McCain said, “Oh, I didn’t know that.”
NEW YORK. After a six hour meeting with her staff, Senator Hillary Clinton firmly decided that she did not equivocate and that criticism on this issue could possibly be unfair.
According to a source who attended the session and spoke on the condition of anonymity, there were sixteen people at the session, including former President Bill Clinton. The meeting was prompted by harsh criticism Senator Clinton has faced in recent debates with her Democratic rivals, especially Senator Barack Obama and former Senator John Edwards.
The anonymous source reported that there was a “frank” discussion, with attendees taking strong positions on all sides of the important issue. President Clinton made his presence felt with an impassioned argument that Senator Clinton only equivocates “when the issue is of such moment that she has no other choice.”
“This shows her sound judgment and her extensive qualifications to be President.”
The anonymous source reported that Senator Clinton ended the session by stating that she did not think she would equivocate any more but she reserved the right to do so if the issue was equivocal.
SALT LAKE CITY. Governor Mitt Romney was released from Beth Israel Hospital in Salt Lake City yesterday after undergoing successful plastic surgery to make him appear more Vice Presidential.
Long praised as the candidate whose tall, dark and handsome appearance made him look most like a President should look, Romney’s advisors urged him to take steps to change that perception in order to increase his chances for being selected as a candidate for Vice President.
Romney’s supporting staff had done exhaustive research on the attributes of Vice Presidents and concluded that over half scored the same as Vice President Cheney on the Bensinger Human Attraction Scale. Only one, Spiro Agnew, Vice President under President Richard Nixon who resigned in disgrace (Agnew) was even remotely handsome.
Dr. William Smith, who led the team of sixteen doctors in the ten-hour surgery, issued a press release stating that Romney went through the surgery extremely well. “He instructed me he wanted to look more Cheneyesque and more conservative and I think we succeeded. He is now five inches shorter, balding, has a pace maker, and a permanent scowl. As a matter of fact, he looks remarkably like Dick Cheney.”