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STUDIES OF THE RICH: BEING RICH IS EXPENSIVE

Chicago.  A new study by the University of Chicago’s Affluence Project concluded that it is expensive to be really rich. Economics Professor Vitaly Thomford reported on the Affluence Project’s ten-year study of the Very Rich, defined as having a... Read More

SURVEY: TELEVISION PERSONALITY AND WARLORD ARE BEST JOBS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Sports, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 16-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

what-you-need-to-do-at-career-fairs_16001154_800833131_0_0_14037941_500[1]Washington.  The International Survey Foundation announced the results of its first poll of The Best Job in the World, showing marked and unexpected diversity among regions.

The poll of random people in 168 countries produced some startling results. Each respondent was asked to name “the best job in the world.”   In the United States, by far the most preferred career was “Television Personality.”  Most respondents reasoned that this is the only full time job where you can get paid millions and have no idea why or have anything to do.  “Professional Athlete” was a distant second among Americans.  The third choice was “Having a Rich Daddy” though some academics have questioned whether this is really a job.  “Getting a Fat Allowance”, however, was universally considered to be a legitimate job and finished ninth in the American poll.

In Afghanistan the results were quite different.   Over 90% of respondents indicated that being a “Warlord” was the best job in the world.  “Goat Herding” was a distant second followed by “Shooting People.”  Interestingly, ”Shooting People” was only eleventh in the American poll.

The only unanimous poll occurred in Australia where 100% of 84,000 respondents said “Being in a Beer Commercial” was the best job in the world.

No surprisingly, the Vatican poll showed “Being Pope” as a popular choice.  However, there was a strange and unexplained divergence since over 100,000 males overwhelmingly voted this way but only three women did.

 

MISSISSIPPI ADDS RIGHT SHOE AS OFFICIAL STATE SHOE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

259196_stock-photo-old-bootJackson, Mississippi.  As part of a larger plan to attract businesses and tourists to Mississippi, Governor Buddy Ray Baldwin announced that the legislature had just selected the right shoe as the Official Shoe of Mississippi.

“For several years now our progressive legislature has been enacting laws designed to make Mississippi even more appealing to businesses and tourists from all over the world,” said Governor Baldwin.  “When someone pointed out we have an official Tree and an Official Bird but do not have an Official Shoe, the legislature sprong (sic) into action.   A subcommittee was formed in each house, over 600 extensive hearings were conducted both in Jackson and around the State, and it became clear that the citizens of this Great State wanted the right shoe as their Official Shoe. This became even more compelling when the Senate Committee discovered that Mississippi would be the first state in the Union to have an Official State Shoe. ”

“The right shoe was selected, “continued the Governor, “because it shows clearly that this Great State is right-leaning and God-fearing;  not one of the Communist left-leaning States like California and New York.  I understand they are both considering making marijuana their state plant.  In contrast, our decision shows plainly that Mississippians are working folk because every worker in the State wears a right shoe;  it is required by safety laws.”

Yoguna Tagasaki, head of site selection for Toyota, issued a public statement about the news.  “Before Mississippi adopted the right shoe as its Official Shoe, frankly Toyota had eliminated it for consideration for our next mega-factory in the U.S.  But now the ball game has changed.  In our assessment, Mississippi has become a leader in the competition for the factory.  We seek a progressive environment and what could be more creative and progressive than the adoption of an Official Shoe.”

In response to Mississippi’s bold and seemingly successful action, at least twenty other states are now exploring adopting their own Official Shoe as part of the cutthroat business of attracting jobs.  Delaware is even considering the adoption of its Official Shoe, Glove, Sock, Baseball Bat, Word, Pretzel. Ice Cream, Color, Lego Piece, Cosmetic Surgery, and Garden Tool.

 

 

FRENCH ADOPT CARRY LAW FOR GUILLOTINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, History, Human Body, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

PARIS.  In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.sotn mini guillotine

The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine.  French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.

“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter.  “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like.  Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them.  We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say.  I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”

Not all French agree with Dumont.  Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever.  “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists.  We would be powerless to do anything!”

In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines.  The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size.  It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide.  It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings.  It can also be used to cut tomatoes.

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE FINALLY ADDS “SHOE” TO OLYMPIC GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Inventions, Sports
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

iphone pictures 2-2015 055Berlin. In response to widespread public pressure from every corner of the globe, the International Olympic Committee has finally added “shoe” to the 2020 Winter Olympic Games.  It is expected at least 175 countries will enter both individual and team competitions.

Reflecting the social media-prompted craze, the game of shoe has essentially taken over the world sport scene. Attendance at soccer, baseball, and American football is at an all-time low. On September 16, 2014, for example, while only 18 people saw the New York Yankees play the Boston Red Sox for the American league championship, many millions were at home playing shoe and an estimated one billion people in 120 countries watched the nail-biting match between top-rated teams from Iceland and Kenya, won by Kenya on the last play of the contest.

A deceptively simply game, shoe involves strategically placing two shoes on the outside (cannot be on the inside) of a door but no more than eight inches from the door itself. Points are allocated based on the type of shoe, the angle(s) and heights of the shoes, and, most importantly, the creativity in using the limited space and the two shoes.

Players take turns manipulating the shoes with points allocated after each move. The photo to the upper right depicts the Wymann Gambit first played in 1994 by Alphonse Wymann of the Netherlands who placed two crossed orange flip flop shoes in the center of the door with one resting on its heel and the other on its toe and, obviously, won the match with the best total score in the history of the game.   No one had ever made this innovative play before and Wymann was the unanimous choice as the 1997 Shoe Player of the Year.

The game is over when the referees declare “time” and declare a winner. A unique feature of shoe is that the winner is not necessarily the person with the higher point score or even with a decent score. The refs have the discretion to declare the winner to be the athlete with the lower score. In addition, the referees decide how long the match lasts, ranging from a few seconds to four months. This unusual approach to timekeeping and scoring keeps fans’interest at a feverish high until the winner is announced.

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE STUMPED OVER SCORING NEW “MEAN” SPORT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Geography, Politics, Sports
Posted on 28-08-2012 | E-mail this to a friend

ATHENS. The Scoring Committee of the International Olympics Committee has reached an impasse over how to score the new Olympic sport of “being mean” to be first offered at the 2016 Summer Games.

Four years ago the International Committee approved “being mean” as a sport in a commendable effort to fully recognize the important contributions made by “every segment of humanity.”  Primarily advocated by warlords from Afghanistan and Somalia and two former military officers from the Balkans who are sought by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity, the competitors will have to exhibit “inappropriate cruelty” toward various categories of vulnerable people, such as the elderly or orphans.

In order to provide specific guidance to the international cast of judges for this competition, the Scoring Committee has been considering various combinations of objective skills such as the creative use of force, elegant harsh words, offensive tone of voice, and mean-but-not-too-mean facial expressions.

The new sport has triggered a host of issues surrounding who is eligible to participate in the 2016 Summer Games. Warlords from 16 areas of Afghanistan and 37 parts of Africa have already filed the necessary petitions to be recognized as Sovereign Areas which can send four-man teams to compete. Two biker gangs and four German skinhead groups have also submitted applications.

Hector Lopez, speaking for the Olympics Committee, released a statement that “we fully expect to sort through the petitions in plenty of time for the athletes to prepare for this exciting new competition.”

OLYMPICS ADD KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE TELLING FOR 2016

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Geography, History, Sports
Posted on 13-08-2012 | E-mail this to a friend

2016 Olympians

ATHENS. The International Olympics Committee shocked the sports world by announcing even another innovation for the 2016 Summer Games: knock-knock joke telling.

As reported first in Sort of the News in October 2011, the Committee already added six new games for 2016: killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.

The most recent announcement by Hector Lopez for the Committee involves telling the most knock-knock jokes in 1 minute, 37 seconds. The rules require the athlete to assume both roles in the knock-knock dialogue which must be presented in either English or standard sign language. The athlete must laugh sincerely after each knock-knock joke for at least 3 seconds.

“We are continuing to listen to the billions of Olympic fans who have demanded the new sport which has overtaken the international imagination,” said Lopez. “While in the past the youngest athlete to compete was 15 years old, with the new knock-knock sport we anticipate athletes as young as four and as old as 107 may be able to enter the contest.”

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND REAL OPENING TO HELL IN CENTRAL PARK DIG

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
Posted on 05-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.   Archaeologists from the famed Museum of Natural History confirmed that a research team digging in northwest Central Park found the actual entrance to Hell located about two feet beneath the surface near a trash bin.

“Our research team was stunned, to say the least,” said Dr. Frances Martin, head of the project.  “We were looking for artifacts from the revolutionary war and came upon a rather large opening about twenty feet in diameter that seemed very warm inside.  We inserted a probe about 100 feet and recorded a significant increase in temperature in the deeper regions.”

“As soon as I realized that we had discovered the entryway to Hell, we immediately covered up the hole to prevent anyone from inadvertently falling in,” continued Martin.  “We are now discussing whether to continue research in the area or abandon the project and let well enough alone.”

Religious leaders from around the world have widely condemned the research as invading the province of the churches.  “Hell is our business, not some scientist,” said a high-ranking member of a fundamentalist church who refused to be identified because of concerns that he may go to Hell if discovered.  Jewish leaders agreed though noted that their faith does not exactly embrace the concept of Hell.

The only significant group to demand further exploration was the biker group “Hell’s Angels.”  Albert “Snuffer” Haynes, speaking for the club, demanded “immediate access to the site so his club members could experience what Hell is really like,” an experience Haynes claimed was protected by the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom to travel.  Haynes did not rule out the possibility that the Angels would try to make Hell their official headquarters.  “We are consulting counsel about it,” he said.

 

PERRY LIMITED IN MATH SKILLS SAYS SECOND GRADE TEACHER

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Election 2012, Geography, Politics
Posted on 10-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Paint Creek, TX.   Rick Perry’s second grade teacher, Matilda Gonzalez, explained Governor Rick Perry’s inability in a Republican debate to remember the third of three federal departments he would close .  She recalled that he never learned to count to more than two.

“He was a bit, well, not the sharpest spur on the boots,” said Gonzalez who taught Perry when he was a seven year-old child in the small West Texas town of Paint Creek. “All the other kids in the second grade could count to 100 but poor Ricky was stuck on two.  He just couldn’t get in his mind that there were numbers above two.”

“We worried about him, of course, but were confident he would not have to use his rather poor math skills doing day labor in Paint Creek.  We were shocked when he became a politician.  But then we realized that where could you get a good job other than politics if you couldn’t count above two.”

OLYMPIC GAMES RETURN TO ROOTS WITH WEIRD NEW GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Leisure, Sports
Posted on 10-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

ATHENS.  The International Olympics Committee today announced a major return to historical roots and added six traditional games and deleted four current groups of events.

The press release stated that the Committee decided to reinvigorate the Olympics by returning to the games that were played when the Olympics were first held in 776 BC.   “We must go back to our roots when the games were convened in Olympia in honor of Zeus,” said Hector Lopez for the Olympics Committee.

Starting in 2014, six new sports will be added:  killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.

Because of time constraints, the following sports will no longer be sanctioned:  all track and field events, all events involving snow, and anything using a ball.

Lopez said proudly, “To further experience our origins, we will now start the games by sacrificing 100 oxen.  Our officials will use sundials to time the events and everyone, including swimmers, must wear a toga.  It will be a true renaissance!”

The world sporting community reacted enthusiastically to the changes.  “Track and field and skiing were getting boring,” said Woljkxwrr Bprwqthxbwz of the Polish Olympic Community.  “Our athletes are already beginning to train for the exciting new events.”

 

JESUS, MOHAMMED, AND YAHWEH APPOINTED TO BRITISH HOUSE OF LORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Geography, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 17-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

London.   The English House of Lords increased its membership by three by adding Jesus, Mohammed, and Yahweh as members.

 “It just seemed the right thing to do,” said Robert Pickwick, spokesperson for the House of Lords Appointments Committee.  “After all, we have about 740 members including 26 bishops.  How could we not include Lord Jesus, Lord Mohammed, and Lord Yahweh?”

Lords in House of Lords Their appointments, like all life peers, are for their entire life.  “Frankly, we have not faced the issue of what to do if one of them dies, but I guess we will if it ever happens,” said Pickwick.

The announcement set off a flurry of comments, some quite hostile.  The Agnostics Society said the appointment violated their right to be free from government adoption of religion, a claim that most would reject as inconsistent with the House of Lord’s historical representation of Bishops of the Church of England.

 Both members of the Ooltewah faith, a small nature-worshipping religion based in a cigar store in Liverpool, immediately began circulating a petition to have their god-figure, called Oolte, selected as a life peer in the next round of appointments.  Oolte, regarded as having the body of a very large gerbil, the feet of a millipede, and the head of Lyle Lovett, the American entertainer,  was first seen in a dream by Skye Oolte (formerly William Smithe) who was in a drunken stupor after attending  a Lyle Lovett concert.

 Mr. Pickwick, of the Appointments Committee, denied comment but said that he would look at any petitions he received for new positions in the House of Lords.

WORLD IN CHAOS BECAUSE OF CONFUSION OVER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME JINGLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language, Politics
Posted on 14-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Mary Lynn Peterson had no idea how much chaos she would create when she launched the “new and improved” daylight savings reminder to “spring back then fall forward.”

For many years, people across the globe have remembered what to clockdo twice a year when Daylight Savings Time kicks in.  Each spring they would refer to the age-old saying to “spring forward” and in the fall to “fall back.”

May Lynn Peterson, a fourth grade teacher in Arlington, Virginia, had long been uncomfortable with this common rubric. “I always thought it was dumb to say “spring forward” when you are actually simply resetting your clock.  “Spring back” made more sense since it was a message to turn your clocks back to the time it was before Daylight Savings Time caused you to move them ahead an hour.”

“Similarly,” she continued, “’fall back’ made no sense since you were actually subtracting an hour, thus gaining an hour when you set your clocks back an hour to the time it was before you reset them last year.  Thus, “fall forward” is better since you get an extra hour to live each fall.”

Word of this improved model quickly spread by internet throughout the world.  People in every country began to advocate for one or the other jingle.  Legislators in Sri Lanka adopted Peterson’s new approach, while those in India voted to stick with the tried-and-true model.  Advocates of both models clashed in Moscow, Beijing, and New York, causing at least twenty deaths so far.

President Obama has called for restraint and understanding, and has formally asked Congress to adopt the new Peterson approach to clarify the difficulties surrounding the time switch twice each year.

The Tea Party blamed the violence on Obama and big government’s interference in the international time conventions.  “Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms and off their wrists,” said Tea Party Spokesperson Carole Thompson of Marietta, Georgia. “Let the market decide the time system.  Whether it is noon or five o’clock should be decided by market forces, not the stupidity of big government.  If a state wants to change the system entirely, it should be permitted to do so.  The Constitution does not mention time-setting and my God-given rights are violated every time the government gets involved in my life.”

SNAKE WITH TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE BODIES FOUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 22-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Madagascar.  French scientists have found the world’s first dual-body living creature when they discovered a snake made up of two entirely separate and independent bodies with different coloring, gender, and DNA chromosomes.

The snake, tentatively called corpora dualis snakus, was found by accident by a team of  zoologists from the Sorbonne attempting to catalog animals in a rapidly disappearing rain forest in Eastern Madagascar.

Professor Pierre Duguy, head of the expedition, said that his native guides saw the two snakes in separate trees about thirty feet above ground.  They climbed the trees and captured both. 

Close examination by veterinarians snakesconfirmed that though the two snakes differed in both color and gender, they are actually one snake with two separate and independent bodies. DNA analysis found that even the DNA was different despite the fact the snakes were one animal.

“Nothing like this has ever been found before,” said Professor Duguy.  “Imagine one animal with two bodies that are of different sexes, different colors, and quite different DNA.  This may well call for a re-examination of our notion of personhood.  After all, if one snake can somehow evolve into two entire separate ones, perhaps people can do the same.

“And so far we have found one snake with two bodies.  But what if this snake has even more bodies, maybe hundreds or even thousands?”

NORTH DAKOTA MAN ON FBI’S “LEAST WANTED LIST” FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Fargo, N.D.  Delmar Foxspin of rural North Dakota has just been placed on the FBI’s “Ten Least Wanted List” for the seventeenth consecutive year.

“I cannot tell you what an honor this is,” said an embarrassed Foxspin.  “Frankly, I have never done anything at all my entire life and I was shocked to receive this incredible news. 

“I have no family, no friends, no job, no address, no money, no car; nothing.  Who would have thought that someone like me from North Dakota would be selected by the FBI!  I am overwhelmed and so grateful.”

When contacted for information about the award, FBI wantedFBI Special Agent Valerie Thomas said “we cannot comment on official activities but I can tell you that we had many, many candidates this year and the choice was especially difficult.  You have no idea how many people there are who no one cares about and have never done anything interesting.”

“Mr. Foxspin’s repeated placement on this list is remarkable since it is so hard to do absolutely nothing for an entire year.   I hope school children throughout the world will take him as a role model. With more people like him the world would be a far safer place.”

CHINESE FINALLY INVENT CHOPKNIFE TO GO WITH CHOPSTICKS

Posted by Tracy West | Posted in Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  After 1700 years of experimentation, Chinese scientists have just completed Phase One work on a chopknife to be used with chopsticks.

The chopstick was invented several thousand years ago by Chinese peasants who needed something to eat with other than their hands, which were dirty from working in sweatshops making designer apparel for the upscale American market.

These wooden chopsticks are still used throughout the world in Chinese restaurants and even in China proper, despite the invention of the metal fork, spoon, and knife.

Chinese intellectuals have long recognized the need for other items to supplement the use of chopsticks which are not very good for chopping, cutting, or consuming soup. Yesterday’s announcement that a chopknife was invented brought cheers from millions of chopstick enthusiasts.

The prototype chopknife is made of wood and is designed to cut meat and other block of wooditems.  Unfortunately, the first version is a large square block of wood three inches on each side with a small hole in it. Early test results indicate it has limited cutting utility.  One scholar, who insisted on anonymity,  suggested that this could be because it has no cutting surface.

Professor Ming Chang who announced the technological breakthrough, noted that “we are aware that the first model of the chopknife has some minor functional problems but our research team fully expects to work them out in the next few years. 

“Until then,” said Professor Chang, “people may find that the chopknife is very useful for pounding and squashing and the little hole in it can be used for storing tiny things.                                                     

“Our team is also working on a chopstick-like implement to be used for consuming soup.  Our initial model is a hollow chopstick that can be used as both a straw for liquids like soup and beer as well as a traditional chopstick for eating solid food.  We will keep the world apprised of our progress.”

CHINESE AND JEWS CELEBRATE YEAR OF S(CH)MUCK

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  For the first time in recorded history, the Chinese and Jewish New Years overlap both in date and in nomenclature.  Jews all over the world will observe the Year of the cooking stick over fireSchmuck while Chinese everywhere will soon begin to celebrate the much-anticipated Year of Smuck.  In both Mandarin and Yiddish, the term schmuck (pronounced “smuck” in Mandarin) means jerk.  (The French call it “schmu,” omitting the last two letters.)

While the two will observe similar holidays, the symbols utilized by them will differ markedly.  Jews symbolize this year by pictures of Moses riding a camel heading in the wrong moses on cameldirection from Egypt.  The equivalent Chinese representation is of the legendary General Tso cooking  a stick over an open fire.

Despite these differences, the holiday will be festive and fun, especially for the children.  David Greenberg, a 7-year old from Kew Gardens, New York, said, “I can’t wait for the New Year.  I’ll finally be 8-years old and can smoke cigarettes like grandpa.”  When his mother Rose reminded him that the New Year is not the same as his birthday, young David responded, “Well, maybe I’ll get good presents at least.”

Liu Wah-Fong, a precious 5 year-old from Chinatown in New York, was equally happy.  “I can’t wait.  Mommy said we get to play like we are steaks which should be great fun.  His mother corrected her, “I said you get to play like you are snakes, not steaks.”  Liu began to cry and was not available to complete the interview.

NEW GUINNESS RECORD: MAN INCOMPREHENSIBLE IN EVERY LANGUAGE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Language
Posted on 31-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Salem, Illinois.  The Guinness Book of World Records announced that Tom Richards, a farmer from the small town of Salem, Illinois, has achieved what no one else in the world has ever accomplished:  he is incomprehensible in every single language.

“This is a most amazing accomplishment,” said Professor Nicole Harbwhat-did-you-say of the Yale Linguistics Department.  “There are as many as 8,000 languages and no one has ever been totally incomprehensible in all of them.  Sure, we have had some people who did not speak Mandarin or even Russian, but not one who could not be understood in any language on earth.”

Though Tom Richards could not be interviewed for this article because of communication problems, his wife, Helen, said, “Tom has always wanted to be in the Guinness book and thought this might be an area he could excel in.  You have no idea how hard he has worked for the past 25 years to not be understood in any language.  I think the hardest part was English since he knew English pretty good and it was flat out almost impossible for him to be totally incomprehensible in it.  But the work paid off.  Why now, even our cows don’t understand him when he tries to call them at the end of the day and I have no idea at all what he says.  I am so proud of him.”

NASA TO SEND SPACE EXPEDITION TO HEAVEN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
Posted on 01-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC.  NASA today announced plans to send a team of five astronauts aboard the Shuttle Genesis to land on heaven and take cloud samples that will be analyzed by the four billion dollar shuttle’s laboratory.  Any angels that can be captured will be brought back alive in the shuttle’s specially designed angelorium, which is made with padded walls to avoid injuring the angels’ wings and with plenty of head room to accommodate halos of various sizes. 

The trip is expected to take about seven months and will cover 2.7 million miles.  The exploration was funded by Congress as part of health reform legislation passed last week.  Designed to appease the religious right and abortion foes, the mission is NASA’s first effort to explore outside the universe.

“We have long wanted to explore heaventhe real heavenly bodies,” said NASA chief Robert Myers. “With the support and blessing of Congress, now we will be able to achieve this goal that once was thought to be no more than a wish upon a star.

“Our scientists believe that with chemical analysis of the clouds of heaven, we will be able to learn much about the origins of the universe, including answering the age-old question whether the “day” referred to in the Bible’s depiction of the six-day birth of the earth and humankind was actually a twenty-four hour day or was more like a twenty-six or even twenty-seven hour day.”

Even conservative voices praised the decision to explore heaven.  “Finally, finally the government is doing something sensible,” said talk radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “After spending billions of dollars on careless banks and deadbeat homeowners, the taxpayers will get something valuable that will actually help solve the world’s serious problems caused by atheists and Democrats.  I can think of no better way to spend public money.”

President Obama praised the announcement as “furthering the interests of pure science and helping reduce unemployment among our scientists and theologians.  It is a win-win situation,” he said.  “I congratulate Congress on its courage in pushing the frontiers of science while carefully safeguading the taxpayer’s dollar.”

 It is expected that thousands of people will volunteer to be astronauts for this mission.

NEW YORK SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography
Posted on 25-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK.  At 12:30 AM today subway riders at the 14th Street station were shocked when a routine announcement over the subway loudspeaker was able to be understood by everyone waiting for the F train to Brooklyn.

“I have never heard anything like it,” said Deborah Feld from Brooklyn.  “I actually understood every word the man said.  It was eerie, almost scary.”

Clarence Porter, spokesperson for the subway system, issued a statement, “This office is looking into the situation.  We are checking all the audio equipment in that station to see if there is a malfunction.  This kind of thing just doesn’t subwayhappen and we intend to get to the bottom of it.  Our wonderful passengers have a right to safe travel where their peace of mind is not interrupted by trivial messages.”

 An officer of the union representing the transportation workers commented,  on the condition of anonymity, “I can’t say anything definitive since the membership has not spoken on the issue, but I can tell you that we are serious about seeking pay and other benefit increases for the extra burden placed on our members if there is any expectation that our workers now must not only be polite and competent but may also have to be comprehensible.  The authorities need to understand they cannot keep demanding more from us without offering commensurate rewards for the new responsibilities.”

Rahim Jcbyrkyowqbzz, President of the Immigrant Subway Workers Association, issued a statement threatening a lawsuit over the “blatant potential discrimination against the foreign born subway worker.  Obviously any policy encouraging–or God forbid, requiring–comprehensible announcements will result in even more limited opportunities for the hard subway worker who, though he or she is thoroughly familiar and job certified in how to use the public address system,  suddently is barred from making announcements simply because he or she cannot speak understandable English.”

HARD PLACE FOUND; SEARCH CONTINUES FOR ROCK

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Nature
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

TOKYO, JAPA.  The Japan Geographical Society has claimed its explorers have found the elusive “hard place” popularized in the phrase: “between a rock and a hard place.”  The successful expedition has succeeded in solving at least part of what to geographers has become the equivalent of the search for the Holy Grail or the Biblical Ark.The research team–surely joined by thousands of other scientists–now is doubling its efforts to find the “rock.”

For eons people have been stuck between a rock and hard place, yet no researcher has rock-hard placefound the precise location of either.  This lack of knowledge has made it extremely difficult for some people, who were between a rock and a hard place, to know of their precarious situation or which direction to go to find safety.

The discovery of the hard place’s location in a rugged coast of a small island in Indonesia many miles from Japan has raised many questions about the location of the “rock.”  Already teams of investigators are scouring nearby islands.  However, some philosophers are skeptical that the rock will ever be found.  Professor Heinrik Balstoy of the United University of the Former Soviet Union noted, “Perhaps the rock is many miles away from the hard place since the aphorism involving a rock and hard place does not actually indicate how close a person is to either.  I don’t think the exact rock will ever be located because no one knows where it is, what it looks like, or what type of rock it is.  So millions of people may be suffering from being between the two things but are not aware of their dire and painful predicament.”

SIXTEEN KILLED IN MYANMAR PRO-PEACE DEMONSTRATION

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

YANGON, MYANMAR.  Sixteen people were killed yesterday in violent clashes between warring pro peace groups in Myanmar.    iran-riots-3

 In reaction to deadly riots stemming from the suspicious death of Thet Win Aung in a state prison, two peace-focused groups held public demonstrations in Yangon protesting violence in every form. The Myanmar True Peace Association first announced the silent peace rally to begin at 1:00 P.M.  Shortly after the True Peace Association’s proclamation, The Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation held a press conference to say that it, as the “really authentic representative of the Myanmar people’s quest for peace,”  also would hold a silent peaceful demonstration at the same hour in the same location as that selected by the True Peace Association.

 The two pro-peace groups have a long history of disagreement.  The Myanmar True Peace Association, formerly known as the Myanmar Peace Association, was begun in 1996 in an effort to prove a role model for other groups in Myanmar. 

 The Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation, originally known as the Myanmar Peace Federation then renamed the Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation to even more clearly distinguish it from the Myanmar True Peace Association, was founded in 1997 by a splinter group of the then Myanmar Peace Association.

 The two groups differ markedly in their approach.  The Myanmar True Peace Association believes that peace can only be achieved by silent demonstrations where the participants communicate with one another using sign language.  The rival Authentic Peace Federation also believes in silent public demonstrations but rejects the use of sign language and claims that hand-written signs are the only true way to communicate during demonstrations.

 At the deadly demonstration-turned-riot yesterday, young men wearing the white “wife beater” shirts of the True Peace Association forced their way into the swarms of Authentic Peace Federation members wearing their trademark blue baseball caps and tore up scores of hand-written signs proclaiming the need for peace in Myanmar.  Anticipating this bold challenge, members of the Authentic Peace Federation began using the Peace Association’s own sign language to convey obscene messages to their True Peace rivals.

 True Peace Association advocates then produced their own signs written in the manner of the Authentic Peace Foundation and declaring that the Authentic Peace Federation was really made up of violent thugs who abhorred peace. 

 The insulting signs produced a reaction that was both swift and violent.  Both sides began fighting first with wood sticks used to hold signs, then escalated the melee to one where fists, knives, and pistols were used. One group of Authentic Peace Federation members rolled out a colonial-era howitzer and tried to fire it at the True Peace Association leaders but were unable to do so when it was discovered that no one knew how to operate the ancient weapon.

 When the air cleared, sixteen people were killed, evenly divided between the two groups. Brig. General Kyaw Hsan, Chairman of the Information Committee of the State Peace and Development Council, condemned the violence and stated that the Tatmadaw Government would do all in its power to eliminate the threat to peace of the two groups.