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MAN WRITES RACHMANIOFF’S RHAPSODY ON A THEME OF PAGININI

COSBY, TENNESSEE.  Fletcher Baldwin, a previously unknown piano tuner-farmer, has just completed composing Rachmaninoff’s Rhapsody on a Theme of Paginini and is already heralded as the next world’s greatest composer.  Baldwin, who had never... Read More

MAN LOSES ONE MILLION SOCKS: NEW GUINNESS RECORD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions, Tragedies
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

socksDublin, Ireland.  Guinness has confirmed that Malcolm McGrady, a Dublin dentist, has established a new world’s record by losing a million single socks over his 68 year lifetime.

“I don’t know what happens to them,” said a thoughtful McGrady.  “Every time I do a wash a bunch of socks just disappear.  The same thing happened to me Mum when I was a wee thing.  Baby socks somehow got lost so much that Mum used to buy them by the gross.”

Professor DeWitt Canbury, the Nobel winning geneticist at Cambridge University, said the remarkable achievement may open up an entirely new area of genetic research.  “Never before have we seen  what appears to be a genetic trait that involves  extreme careless behavior.  I plan on presenting a speculative paper on this intriguing subject at the next international conference.”

The Global Sock Company’s President, Chow Fong, issued a statement congratulating McGrady on a “most important achievement.  As the world’s largest manufacturer of socks, we hope that we produced at least some of the socks that were lost.  This would be our small contribution to an accomplishment that may never be duplicated on earth.”

FAKE LAUGH ACTORS STRIKE, STOPPING SITCOM PRODUCTIONS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Bushisms, Leisure, Tragedies
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 old-man-laughingLOS ANGELES.  The International Brotherhood of Fake Laugh Artists began a strike that stopped production of all sitcoms and caused the stock market to plunge.

 The fake laugh artists contract expired at midnight two weeks ago and the union’s members voted yesterday to begin an immediate strike.  The key issue is residuals for reruns.  Union members, who provide the fake laughs that are an integral part of every sitcom, seek pay equal to that of the major actors in the sitcoms.

 Reacting to the strike, all sitcoms ceased production and the world stock market retreated an average of 20%.  Criminologists in the United States and Bangladesh have expressed concerns  that the lack of sitcoms on nightly television could result in a substantial increase in crime and may even boost the birth rate as people no longer want to watch television for several hours every night.

 Union officials said the strike was long overdo.  “The truth is,” said union president Fay Anderson, “that the actors who perform the fake laughs for sitcoms are every bit as talented as the actors who recite the lines in front of the cameras.  We are the ones who make the sitcoms funny and worth watching.”

 “Without us,” continued Anderson, “the jokes and sketches on sitcoms would not be the least bit hilarious.”  “Plus,” she said, “how would people even know that they had been told a joke or pun or seen something really funny without our talented union members?”

 Speaking for the Association of Sitcom Producers, Gerald Pitler disagreed.  “I admit that the actors who provide fake laughs are very talented and skilled, but I do think they should be paid the same as the principal actors on the sitcoms.  Are they actually saying that someone who does fake laughter for the Seinfeld program should be compensated the same as Jerry Seinfeld?”

 Because of the national impact of the strike, President Bush has offered the services of federal mediators to resolve it.  At his weekly press conference, President Bush said,  “I think the performers and the laughers should get together and solutionate this problem.  We must not forget that our brave men and women in Iraq and other combative places need sitcoms to relieve the tension of being in a tense place.”

CURIOUS GEORGE NO LONGER CURIOUS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Leisure, Literature, Tragedies
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK.  The author of the Curious George set of books for children has concluded that his character, Curious George, has become so attached to video games that he is no longer curious.

 H.A. Rey, the author of the hugely successful series of children’s booksCuriousGeorge involving an animal named Curious George, announced through a publicist, Ivina Dothard,  that Curious George has somehow lost his sense of awe and curiosity.  Rey attributed the unfortunate change to the animal-formerly-known-as-Curious-George’s addiction to video games. 

 Now, according to Dothard, Curious George is only interested in violence and has become so mean-spirited that he is no longer suitable for children’s books.  “He spaces out all the time and growls when children walk by,”  reported Dothard.  Rey and others are looking into the possibility of changing the audience of the series from children to mentally disturbed adults bent on violence.

BOY PUT DOWN AFTER BEING BITTEN BY DOG

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Tragedies
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

dog-meanBEAVERTON, ORE.  A boy, bitten by a neighbor’s dog, was put to sleep when neighbors complained to police that they feared the tragedy could happen again.

 Bobby Fishman, the three-year old son of Maxine and David Fishman, was bitten by Felix, a yellow labrador when Bobby was playing on the sidewalk outside his home.  Felix had jumped the fence where he had been confined for vicious tendencies and attacked Bobby who reached through the fence to pet the dog.

 “I hated to shoot the boy,” said Chief Caroline Thompson of the Beaverton, Oregon, Police Department, But we can’t let this kind of thing continue in our town.  We feared that once the dog tasted the boy’s flesh that it would go after him again.”

 David Fishman, the boy’s father, held a tearful press conference where he noted, happy boy“I don’t blame Chief Thompson or anyone.  My boy should not have tried to pet Felix.  I am just glad that Felix is OK.  My boy had a throat infection and, thank goodness, Felix did not catch it.  That would have made two tragedies instead of just one.”

 Felix’s owners did not respond to calls from this reporter,  but their lawyer, Arnold Winston, of Beaverton issued a statement that Felix had suffered considerable mental anguish from the experience and the owner’s lawyers were studying the matter and exploring all available legal alternatives.