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MAN FILLS URINE CUP COMPLETELY FULL

BIRMINGHAM, ALA.  For the first time ever, a patient of Dr. Hanna Lincoln filled a urine cup to the very top.   “I was amazed,” said Dr. Lincoln.  “I have been practicing internal medicine for eighteen years and have never had a... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 27-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND REAL OPENING TO HELL IN CENTRAL PARK DIG

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
Posted on 05-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.   Archaeologists from the famed Museum of Natural History confirmed that a research team digging in northwest Central Park found the actual entrance to Hell located about two feet beneath the surface near a trash bin.

“Our research team was stunned, to say the least,” said Dr. Frances Martin, head of the project.  “We were looking for artifacts from the revolutionary war and came upon a rather large opening about twenty feet in diameter that seemed very warm inside.  We inserted a probe about 100 feet and recorded a significant increase in temperature in the deeper regions.”

“As soon as I realized that we had discovered the entryway to Hell, we immediately covered up the hole to prevent anyone from inadvertently falling in,” continued Martin.  “We are now discussing whether to continue research in the area or abandon the project and let well enough alone.”

Religious leaders from around the world have widely condemned the research as invading the province of the churches.  “Hell is our business, not some scientist,” said a high-ranking member of a fundamentalist church who refused to be identified because of concerns that he may go to Hell if discovered.  Jewish leaders agreed though noted that their faith does not exactly embrace the concept of Hell.

The only significant group to demand further exploration was the biker group “Hell’s Angels.”  Albert “Snuffer” Haynes, speaking for the club, demanded “immediate access to the site so his club members could experience what Hell is really like,” an experience Haynes claimed was protected by the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom to travel.  Haynes did not rule out the possibility that the Angels would try to make Hell their official headquarters.  “We are consulting counsel about it,” he said.

 

OWL GIVES BIRTH TO OWL-BOY; FATHER UNKNOWN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 02-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

TOLEDO.  In the middle of the night  Ralph the Owl gave birth to a half owl, half human baby to the amazement of staff at the Toledo zoo.

“Apparently Ralph should have been named Susan,” said an embarrassed zoo veterinarian who refused to identify himself.  “We blew it, I guess.  We have had Ralph—I mean Susan—for twelve years and thought he was a he.  I hate to say that no one actually looked.”

When asked about the half owl, half human baby, the same veterinarian said that this was not shocking. “Animals and humans have combined for years.  Have you ever heard of Tarzan?  Yogi Berra? This is the first example of a half owl, half person but we have long known it was theoretically possible,” said the anonymous vet.

“We do not know who the father is but we are checking closely to see who had access to Ralph.  If we find the scoundrel, some kind of child support lawsuit may be instituted.”

“We are going to have a national contest to name the tyke,” announced Felipe Bossert, publicist for the zoo.   “In the meantime, we are taking excellent care of the baby.  He has already begun to say a baby version of ‘ooooo.  And he really seems to like spiders and worms.”

PEANUT EVOLVED FROM DUCK; NOT OTHER WAY AROUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, History, Nature
Posted on 14-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Cambridge, England.  In a modern version of the chicken-egg controversy, geneticists at Cambridge University have solved the ancient question of whether a peanut evolved from a duck or whether a duck evolved from a peanut or a rock.

Using the latest DNA techniques, Cambridge scientists have concluded their ten-year project examining the DNA of peanuts, rocks, and ducks.   Sir Henry Flatstone, speaking for the Cambridge Genetics Project, announced that the working group has “conclusively established that peanuts evolved from ducks despite previous scientific conjecture that ducks came from peanuts.  We also investigated the theory, started by Euclid and held by a handful of geneticists, that ducks evolved from rocks.”

“Once we gave it a go after a few years of lassitude, we were able to extract a full set of DNA from a peanut, a rock and a duck,” said Flatstone. “Our computers then compared them at sixteen million separate points and found, though there were remarkable similarities, that ducks came first.  Peanuts began to develop when a dwarf molecule at the 17th chromosome of a mallard duck somehow changed into what is likely a tiny peanut that resembled a very small Pee Wee Herman but evolved over the next two million years into the peanut we know today.  Rocks, it turned out, are not related to any known animal, including ducks, and so are a separate species.”

The scientific community, not surprisingly, was buzzing about the discovery and more than one geneticist predicted that Flatstone could be on his way to a Nobel Prize in something or other.

CUTE KID ACTUALLY RAISED BY PUMPKINS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 10-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Arlington, VA.  The Child Protective League announced that it had discovered a cute two-year-old tot who was actually raised by a family of pumpkins.

James Gobbert, an investigator for the League,  did not expect to find what he found when he responded to a report of a suspicious family life for William Walters, an adorable two-year-old boy.  Going to the child’s home, Gobbert  was shocked to discover it was inhabited by a large family of orange pumpkins.  The Leader of the Pumpkins, whose name was Big Orange, said that someone left Walters on the doorstep almost two years ago and the family voted to adopt him.

Gobbert immediately took the child into custody and raced to a local hospital’s emergency room where physicians found him to be perfectly healthy.  “I was surprised, “said Gobbert. “The kid was adorable, well adjusted, and happy, so I took him back to his pumpkin family and closed the file. No reason to waste time on kids in good homes when there are so many ones who need help.”

DOG ACTUALLY BARKS “WOOF”

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Language, Nature
Posted on 21-02-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Tallahassee.  Wayne Loganski came home from his favorite bar last Saturday night and discovered that his dog, William, now actually barks “woof.”

Loganski, a plumber, was amazed when William clearly said “woof” in welcoming Loganski home from a routine drunken binge “It was incredible,” said Loganski.  “Everyone knows dogs don’t actually say “woof” or even “arf.” 

William’s woof-bark has been received well by humans but less enthusiastically by other dogs.  For reasons that Loganski does not understand, other dogs now refuse to play with William or even sniff his behind.  “He is an outcast pure and simple,” said Loganski.

Professor Guido Seidenfeld of Florida State University’s School of Veterinary Medicine in Tallahassee reported in a professional journal that William may be the only dog on earth who barks with a “woof” sound.dog-woof

“We thought ‘woof’ was just a made-up description of the bark of a canine, but apparently it is more than fiction,” said Dr. Seidenfeld in a telephone interview.  “So far we have no idea why William says “woof,” though one of my colleagues thinks William is simply mimicking a bark he heard on television.”

“My research team and I have now begun an international study to assess what sounds dogs actually make when they bark.  No researcher has ever even asked the question much less explored this important issue.  So far we have obtained $35 million in government stimulus money for our project and we hope to get another $100 million from federal earmarks.

“We fully expect this research to be even more significant than our last project where we measured the number of times a dog scratches when it has fleas.”

BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

Posted by Jeremy Mobius | Posted in Animals, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 29-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.

“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of cancer cellmedicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility.  “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread.  I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”

“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team.  “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell.  It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small.  But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”

President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research.  “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”

SNAKE WITH TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE BODIES FOUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 22-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Madagascar.  French scientists have found the world’s first dual-body living creature when they discovered a snake made up of two entirely separate and independent bodies with different coloring, gender, and DNA chromosomes.

The snake, tentatively called corpora dualis snakus, was found by accident by a team of  zoologists from the Sorbonne attempting to catalog animals in a rapidly disappearing rain forest in Eastern Madagascar.

Professor Pierre Duguy, head of the expedition, said that his native guides saw the two snakes in separate trees about thirty feet above ground.  They climbed the trees and captured both. 

Close examination by veterinarians snakesconfirmed that though the two snakes differed in both color and gender, they are actually one snake with two separate and independent bodies. DNA analysis found that even the DNA was different despite the fact the snakes were one animal.

“Nothing like this has ever been found before,” said Professor Duguy.  “Imagine one animal with two bodies that are of different sexes, different colors, and quite different DNA.  This may well call for a re-examination of our notion of personhood.  After all, if one snake can somehow evolve into two entire separate ones, perhaps people can do the same.

“And so far we have found one snake with two bodies.  But what if this snake has even more bodies, maybe hundreds or even thousands?”

MAN TURNS INTO CHERUB FOR NO GOOD REASON

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Human Body, Nature, Religion
Posted on 02-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

angel-cherub-with-letterCARLETON, TENNESSEE.  Twenty-two year old Wayne Logan shocked his family and friends by turning into a cherub for absolutely no good reason.

“I felt fine all along,” said a surprised Logan.  “I got up as usual, but when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom I could not believe my eyes:  I had become a cherub.  Wings,  pudgy body and all.

“This was a shock to my family since no one in our family had ever been a cherub.  We didn’t even have any angels though my Great Uncle Felix did resemble a gnome,” noted Logan.

Charlotte Johnson, Logan’s fiancée, could not believe her ears when Logan gave her the good news.  “Wow, I thought, it would be so cool to marry a cherub, even though he looks like a fat three-year-old child with stubby wings.  My friends will be so jealous.  I can’t wait to see our kids!”

Rabbi David Weinstock of Temple Beth El in Nashville commented that “cherubim are rare in modern life but were far more common many years ago when they guarded the Garden of Eden as well as the entrance to paradise.”

Dr. Janessa Washington, a geneticist at Massachusetts General Hospital, said that though cherubs are rare, genetic mutations are common and must be the reason for Logan’s odd transformation.  “I assume his cherub genes are dominant.  His kids will probably have a twenty-five percent chance of being cherubs themselves.”

NASA TO SEND SPACE EXPEDITION TO HEAVEN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
Posted on 01-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC.  NASA today announced plans to send a team of five astronauts aboard the Shuttle Genesis to land on heaven and take cloud samples that will be analyzed by the four billion dollar shuttle’s laboratory.  Any angels that can be captured will be brought back alive in the shuttle’s specially designed angelorium, which is made with padded walls to avoid injuring the angels’ wings and with plenty of head room to accommodate halos of various sizes. 

The trip is expected to take about seven months and will cover 2.7 million miles.  The exploration was funded by Congress as part of health reform legislation passed last week.  Designed to appease the religious right and abortion foes, the mission is NASA’s first effort to explore outside the universe.

“We have long wanted to explore heaventhe real heavenly bodies,” said NASA chief Robert Myers. “With the support and blessing of Congress, now we will be able to achieve this goal that once was thought to be no more than a wish upon a star.

“Our scientists believe that with chemical analysis of the clouds of heaven, we will be able to learn much about the origins of the universe, including answering the age-old question whether the “day” referred to in the Bible’s depiction of the six-day birth of the earth and humankind was actually a twenty-four hour day or was more like a twenty-six or even twenty-seven hour day.”

Even conservative voices praised the decision to explore heaven.  “Finally, finally the government is doing something sensible,” said talk radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “After spending billions of dollars on careless banks and deadbeat homeowners, the taxpayers will get something valuable that will actually help solve the world’s serious problems caused by atheists and Democrats.  I can think of no better way to spend public money.”

President Obama praised the announcement as “furthering the interests of pure science and helping reduce unemployment among our scientists and theologians.  It is a win-win situation,” he said.  “I congratulate Congress on its courage in pushing the frontiers of science while carefully safeguading the taxpayer’s dollar.”

 It is expected that thousands of people will volunteer to be astronauts for this mission.

HARD PLACE FOUND; SEARCH CONTINUES FOR ROCK

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Nature
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

TOKYO, JAPA.  The Japan Geographical Society has claimed its explorers have found the elusive “hard place” popularized in the phrase: “between a rock and a hard place.”  The successful expedition has succeeded in solving at least part of what to geographers has become the equivalent of the search for the Holy Grail or the Biblical Ark.The research team–surely joined by thousands of other scientists–now is doubling its efforts to find the “rock.”

For eons people have been stuck between a rock and hard place, yet no researcher has rock-hard placefound the precise location of either.  This lack of knowledge has made it extremely difficult for some people, who were between a rock and a hard place, to know of their precarious situation or which direction to go to find safety.

The discovery of the hard place’s location in a rugged coast of a small island in Indonesia many miles from Japan has raised many questions about the location of the “rock.”  Already teams of investigators are scouring nearby islands.  However, some philosophers are skeptical that the rock will ever be found.  Professor Heinrik Balstoy of the United University of the Former Soviet Union noted, “Perhaps the rock is many miles away from the hard place since the aphorism involving a rock and hard place does not actually indicate how close a person is to either.  I don’t think the exact rock will ever be located because no one knows where it is, what it looks like, or what type of rock it is.  So millions of people may be suffering from being between the two things but are not aware of their dire and painful predicament.”

MALE EQUIVALENT OF WORD “SLUT” DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Bushisms, History, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 NEW HAVEN, CT–A paper published by a Yale English professor in the prestigious Journal of the English Language reported that he and his research team have solved the ancient problem of finding the male equivalent of the word “slut.”

 Professor Fran Willoughby’s article reported that extensivemale_sexy_costume_uniform research among previously unknown letters revealed that “manwhore” was an acceptable male equivalent of “slut” in Eighth Century Norman speech. 

This startling discovery has ended the centuries-long quest for this word.  It had long been thought that the male’s genetic moral purity was deemed to make it unnecessary for the English language to develop a male version of “slut.”

Byron Whitson, head of the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language said that “Professor Willoughby’s magnificent contribution to the literature of language will immortalize him to the literati and he will likely be spoken of in the same manner as writers such as Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss.”

Sociology professor Hans Schumpf of Texas Tech University said that perhaps this discovery would open up new approaches to the study of humanking as it “sheds new light on the male race in its historical and evolutionary development.”

ALLIGATOR CLAIMS CROCODILE IS IMPOSTOR

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

alligators and crocsRIO DE JANEIRO.  An alligator at the Rio De Janeiro zoo has filed an official complaint alleging that Festo, a new alligator, is really a crocodile pretending to be an alligator.

Allegro, the oldest alligator at the Rio De Janeiro zoo,  is outraged that zoo officials have introduced a new alligator, Festo, in the alligator pond when, according to Allegro, that alligator is really a crocodile.

Allegro has vented his anger by filing an official complaint with the Brazilian Zoo Association.  “He is a fraud,” said Allegro.  “Look at him.  Alligators have wide noses while crocodiles have pointed ones.  This fake, Festo, had plastic surgery to make his nose wide.  Look at it.  Don’t take my word. You can see the scars.”

Frederico Santos, a spokesperson for Festo,  held a press conference to deny the accusations.  Santos claimed that Allegro is just jealous that a handsome new alligator has entered the competition for the favors of the three female alligators in the pond.

“Festo was, is, and always will be an alligator and we will prove it in court,” said Santos. “We have discussed this matter with counsel and will take appropriate actions to right this tremendous wrong.”

HISTORIANS FIND PEOPLE INVOLVED IN SEX AS EARLY AS 1930

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Leisure, Nature, Religion, Sex Matters
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

AUSTIN,TX.  A research team at the University of Texas has completed a four year study of human behavior and found that human beings had sex as early as 1930.

male female“The accepted view was that people engaged in sex only after World War II when soldiers returned from the front feeling a bit frisky,” said Dr. Oliver Ridings, principal researcher on the federally funded project. “Before that time, the academic community was unanimous in concluding that no one had thought of the idea of having sex.  It was just something that had never dawned on people, like using the computer or Michael Jordan.”

“But our research shows this to be in error.  People actually had man-woman sex as early as 1930.  We researched millions of documents, interviewed thousands of people, and even examined artwork in major galleries.  The conclusion is a slam dunk.”

Not all experts agree.  Dr. William Plank of Princeton’s Sexual Behavior Laboratory said, “It is far too early to reach the conclusions that Dr. Ridings did.  Although his research is important and could turn out to be accurate, much more data are needed before the entire course of history is revised to reflect this new information.”

Dr. Ridings said his team was now involved in exhuming bodies of people buried in the 1920’s and would apply new statistical techniques to assess whether the decomposed bodies had engaged in sexual activity during their lifetime.

The Texas research has led some internationally renowned scholars to suggest that Dr. Ridings may well be on his way to winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his stunning work.

Some religious leaders have expressed horror at the Texas results.  Pastor Elrod Given of the Faith United Baptist Church in Bel Aire, Mississippi, issued a statement condemning the Texas data as inconsistent with the Bible.

“How could it be possible that people engaged in that kind of stuff before 1930 when only a few years before that time Eve emerged from Adam’s body rather than from that kind of stuff?  If people were doing that kind of stuff, don’t you think Eve would have been born rather than fashioned from Adam’s body?” asked Pastor Given.

NEW LETTER OF ALPHABET DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Inventions, Literature, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Scientists at the Cambridge University Planetarium announced today that they have discovered a new letter of the alphabet located between “R” and “S.”

“We were using our Newton Telescope, the most powerful in the world, and stumbled on the new letter between “R” and “S,” said Dr. Nigel Hawthorne of the Cambridge Observatory.

alphabet-letters “We weren’t even actually looking for it.  Our attention was on the possibility of a new planet, but were we shocked at our discovery!”

 “We have tentatively named the new letter ‘Thud’ which seemed to fit perfectly between “R” and “S.”   It resembles a circle with a dead snake in it and hair on top of the circle.  It is actually quite pretty,” claimed Hawthorne.

 “Plus, the letter ‘thud’ is consistent with the “A,B,C” song, which can still be sung with the new letter in it,” Dr. Hawthorne reported.

 As one would expect, the discovery has sent shock waves throughout the world.  The Wall Street Journal announced it would add the new letter in its alphabetical listing of stock prices and several dictionary companies have issued a recall of their products which are now obsolete.

 The producers of alphabet soup have already included the new letter.

President Bush praised the discovery as once again proving that “America is on the foremount of scientific quests.”  When reminded that the discovery was made by English rather than American scientists, the President apologized for the error and said that he had momentarily forgotten that England was no longer an American colony.

FISH MORE OPTIMISTIC THAN DOGS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Nature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

fish-optimisticSAN FRANCISCO.  New research from the famed Pringle Institute for Advanced Science reports that fish are more optimistic about the future than dogs.

Dogs, long considered to be the most optimistic species on earth, have consistently rated very high on the Thomas-Balking Scale of Optimism. 

 Dr. Barry Foster, the principal researcher on the project, explained, “This optimistic attitude has been used by scientists to explain why dogs appear to be happy to meet most anyone.  The generally accepted theory is that dogs are genetically predisposed to think that everyone is a likely candidate to give them a prime rib bone with some meat on it, even though the person has never fed that dog and does not even like dogs.”

 Dr. Foster noted that recent research at the Pringle Institute has substantiated happy-dogthe view that dogs really are optimistic, but a surprising finding of the new study is that fish are even more optimistic about the future than dogs.  Over three-quarters of fish involved in the double blind study scored in the top five percent on the optimism scale.  

 Dr. Foster said that this result may have many practical uses.  He noted that “it may well  provide an answer to the hotly debated issue of why some fish appear to be so stupid that they allow themselves to be caught repeatedly by fishermen using obviously fake insects.”

 The Institute has already applied for a $9 million federal grant to determine whether worms are as optimistic as fish.

TALKING ALLIGATOR: BABY TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Nature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW ZEALAND.  Cedric the talking alligator confessed to eating a six-week old baby that tasted like chicken.

alligator

 Four years ago Cedric amazed the world by demonstrating that he could talk English and had a vocabulary of 75 words. The product of Marybeth Duncan’s novel approach to teaching human skills to animals, Cedric became a household name and was seen on tee shirts and other items sold on all continents.  “The Cedric,” a dance originating in New Zealand, soon swept the club world where people were seen crawling on their stomachs and opening their mouths in beat with the music.

 In the past four years Cedric’s vocabulary grew to 300 words and he was beginning to read at a first grade level.

 All this success was jeopardized a month ago when a six-week old baby disappeared near a man-made swamp adjacent to the research facility where Cedric has lived for five years.  The baby was left in a crib a few feet from the swamp while his mother was jogging around the permeter of the outdoor area.

After an extensive search for the missing child by several law enforcement agencies and hundreds of volunteers, attention began to focus on Cedric, who was declared a “thing of interest” by police authorities.  Cedric was then given his Miranda warnings and questioned intensively.  Yesterday he confessed in a recorded session that was released to the media.  “I was hungry,” said a downcast Cedric.  “The baby looked so tender.  I feel horrible.  I ate it in one gulp.  It tasted like chicken.”

 Authorities are now pondering what to do with Cedric, who has been put on a suicide watch.  There is strong sentiment that he should be put to sleep to avoid risk to any other children.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals islanning a demonstration to protest the execution.

TREE SORT OF GROWN IN BROOKLYN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Nature
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

sick treeWILLIAMSBURG, BROOKLYN.  Almost consistent with Betty Smith’s 1943 novel, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, a recent survey of greenery in Williamsburg found that a tree actually does sort of grow in Brooklyn, though not in Williamsburg.

 The title of Betty Smith’s best-selling novel of an Irish-American family in Williamsburg, Brooklyn,  in the early part of the twentieth century suggests that there is a tree in Brooklyn.  Horticulturists from Yeshiva University now confirm that there actually is a tree that grows in Brooklyn Heights, but it is undersized, diseased, and suffering from a total lack of sunshine. 

 Dr. Yacov Bernstein, leader of the research team that scoured Brooklyn for signs of a tree, said, “We did not find a tree in Williamsburg but there is one in Brooklyn Heights that is not in good shape at all.  It is a pin oak tree and should be about 100-feet tall but it is actually only 19 inches tall despite the fact it is 177 years old.”

 “We think the tree is stunted because of the combination of poor sunshine, its location in cement rather than soil, pollution by nearby buses and cars, and many years of wee wee by dogs in the neighborhood. We plan on keeping detailed records of the tree to chart its future growth.  We are particularly interested in the effect of global warming.”