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ARMY ISSUES SNUGGIES TO ALL SOLDIERS

Washington, DC.  The Department of the Army today announced that starting early next year it would issue camouflage Snuggies, the fleece blanket with sleeves, to all soldiers stationed anywhere in the world. “The Army has been looking for the UCO (Universal... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 27-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

SURVEY: TELEVISION PERSONALITY AND WARLORD ARE BEST JOBS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Sports, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 16-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

what-you-need-to-do-at-career-fairs_16001154_800833131_0_0_14037941_500[1]Washington.  The International Survey Foundation announced the results of its first poll of The Best Job in the World, showing marked and unexpected diversity among regions.

The poll of random people in 168 countries produced some startling results. Each respondent was asked to name “the best job in the world.”   In the United States, by far the most preferred career was “Television Personality.”  Most respondents reasoned that this is the only full time job where you can get paid millions and have no idea why or have anything to do.  “Professional Athlete” was a distant second among Americans.  The third choice was “Having a Rich Daddy” though some academics have questioned whether this is really a job.  “Getting a Fat Allowance”, however, was universally considered to be a legitimate job and finished ninth in the American poll.

In Afghanistan the results were quite different.   Over 90% of respondents indicated that being a “Warlord” was the best job in the world.  “Goat Herding” was a distant second followed by “Shooting People.”  Interestingly, ”Shooting People” was only eleventh in the American poll.

The only unanimous poll occurred in Australia where 100% of 84,000 respondents said “Being in a Beer Commercial” was the best job in the world.

No surprisingly, the Vatican poll showed “Being Pope” as a popular choice.  However, there was a strange and unexplained divergence since over 100,000 males overwhelmingly voted this way but only three women did.

 

WORKER TOO BUSY FOR FAST FOOD

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Inventions, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 20-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

burger and friesNew York.  Philip Begley, a lawyer with a large Wall Street law firm, is now too busy  for fast food.

“I used to eat fast food all the time,” said Begley.   “I loved hamburgers and Nathan’s hot dogs, but I am so overwhelmed that I just don’t have the time to get fast food.

“You have no idea how long it takes to get a quarter pounder, even if the store is not busy.  Last month I tried one more time but it took me almost two minutes to get my order. I don’t have that time to waste.”

McDonald’s issued a statement noting that “This is a serious issue that we have been aware of for several years.  Our staff is working on it night and day.  One thing we are addressing is how to get our food out much faster.  In this modern world, people just don’t have the luxury of waiting to get their fast food.

“One possibility, still in the early development stage, is to deliver our food over the internet and eventually through cell phones.  This could allow us to fill orders instantly and in the place where our busy customers are working.  Imagine how much time our patrons will save when we get over the minor technical hurdles that currently prevent us from delivering our food products over the internet or cell phone. 

“In the not too distant future you will be able to have a tasty McDonald’s hamburger or shake delivered to your cell phone and at a click of an app, the picture of the food will be reconstituted into the real thing.  Hot and delicious, as if we had just prepared it for you at one of our fine restaurants. We may even include an American flag with the order to symbolize American ingenuity!”

TOO BIG TO FAIL: CONGRESS GIVES STIMULUS MONEY TO NY YANKEES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Politics, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 28-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC. President Obama signed a new law giving the New York Yankees $3 billion in stimulus money to pay for quality free agents.

“I hated to do it considering the deficit,” said President Obama at a press conference held immediately after the signing in the Oval Office. “But we’re talking about the Yankees. NY YankeesFrankly, they are just too big to fail. No American would want the government to stand by and watch a baseball icon not win the World Series every single year. It would be worse than letting Chrysler or Ford or Citi Bank fail. Pretty soon the Japanese would field the dominant baseball team and literally thousands of American jobs would be sent overseas. “

“A bold move,” said Nobel Economist Helen Patel. “By one stroke of the pen President Obama has ensured continued American dominance in an arena many other countries would like to enter on an even playing field.”

“This is really cool,” said Sal Alterio of the Bronx. “The Yankees is the beast. Obama is the man. He plays basketball, you know. I don’t get the bank stuff but, hey, this is the Yankees.”

Robert Patterson of Boston was not as enthusiastic. “This sucks,” muttered Patterson, an unemployed cook and rabid Red Sox fan. “Why would Obama help the Yankees who don’t need help and ignore the Sox who could use a few more stars. Doesn’t seem fair to me.”

STUDIES OF THE RICH: BEING RICH IS EXPENSIVE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 19-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Chicago.  A new study by the University of Chicago’s Affluence Project concluded that it is expensive to be really rich.

Economics Professor Vitaly Thomford reported on the Affluence Project’s ten-year study of the Very Rich, defined as having a net worth of over $25 million.  The Project was seeking unique patterns of behavior that distinguish the Very Rich from the Rich (defined as having a net worth between $3-25 million).

After an exhaustive review of 9000 Very Rich people, the study found that these people spent a lot of money.  “The rich-personshort version,” according to Professor Thomford, “is that it costs a lot of money to be very rich.  For example, one very wealthy man bought a car worth over $100,000, another bought a home for over $3 million, and one person in our study even did both of these.  Only rarely will you see the ordinary person spend money this way.”

The study created quite a buzz among economists worldwide.  Dr. Thomford’s name was even mentioned by several scholars as a possible Nobel Prize candidate.  “You don’t see insight like this every day,” said Professor Orito Nagamuchi of Tokyo University.