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SCIENTISTS BAFFLED: MAN DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE

EFFINBURGH, SCOTLAND.    Scientists at the prestigious University of Effinburgh were shocked to discover a sheepherder named Lien Nehoc who actually dreamed he was awake when he was not. Nehoc first went to his family doctor, Melinda Brogan, to discuss... Read More

COURT REQUIRES INTERPRETER FOR ILLITERATE’S EYE TEST

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Language, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA. In a precedent-setting decision, a California judge ordered the California Department of Motor Vehicles to provide, free of charge, an interpreter to assist illiterate people taking the driver’s license eye test.
eye chartHolding that the Equal Protection Clause protects “the literate as well as the unliterate.” Judge Phoebe Winebauer held that impoverished illiterate people taking the eye exam required for a driver’s license in California must be given the services of a qualified interpreter. “How can even the person with perfect vision be expected to pass the eye test which uses letters and numbers if the person cannot read?” asked Judge Winebauer. “I refuse to allow such discrimination. We are equal or we are not equal but the law will not tolerate us being both unless we are one or the other,” she opined in a carefully nuanced 400 page opinion.

Governor Jerry Brown applauded the decision and immediately ordered the State to hire 250 interpreters to be assigned to every DMV location where eye examinations are offered.

At the San Rafael DMV office, Hector Alvarez, age 96,  who is both illiterate and has been blind since birth proudly stepped up to the eye examination machine and took his first eye test. Standing next to him was Rebecca Morris, a 21 year-old high school dropout with perfect vision who was recently hired to assist “literacy-challenged” people like Mr. Alvarez.

Mr. Alvarez peered into the machine, then moved back as Ms. Morris looked inside. “Line 12 is R, B, P. 6. D. 9” she whispered to Alvarez. Grinning, he repeated “line 12, R, B, P …” and was interrupted by the DMV agent administering the test. “Good job, Mr. Alvarez,” said the agent. “You passed. I don’t need to proceed further.”

“Only in America is this possible,” said a beaming Mr. Alvarez. “I could not even have dreamed I could get a driver’s license, but now I have one. I can’t wait to take my great grandchildren on a long drive!

Boring Man Named Bob Changes Name to boB for Excitement

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Leisure
Posted on 06-08-2012 | E-mail this to a friend

Topeville Kansas.  After being voted the Most Boring Man at the Factory, Bob Smith officially changed hs name to boB Smith to add some spice to his life.

Smith, a quiet 50 year-old man who had worked in the Utex Factory warehouse for 32 years, received the “honor” at the annual employees’ annual banquet where he was given a tee shirt memorializing the award. “Frankly, it hurt my feelings,” said Smith. “Then I decided that there may be a bit of truth in the award.  So I decided to take a bold step to electrify my image.  I went to court and had my first name changed to boB from Bob.”

“I think it helped,” he reported. “I have seen a slight change from how people react to me when I tell them my name is boB and ask them to use my new name instead of the boring “Bob.”  I even pronounce the new one differently, saying “My name is boB—uhh” to provide the proper emphasis on the last letter of my new name.”

An attractive co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous, told a reporter that the change has had a big impact at the warehouse.  “All the girls are talking about it and more than a few say that boB–uhh is a lot sexier than he used to be when he went by plain old Bob.” 

SCIENTISTS BAFFLED: MAN DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language
Posted on 25-10-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

EFFINBURGH, SCOTLAND.    Scientists at the prestigious University of Effinburgh were shocked to
discover a sheepherder named Lien Nehoc who actually dreamed he was awake when he was not.

Nehoc first went to his family doctor, Melinda Brogan, to discuss dreams that were making him anxious.  When the sheepherder told Brogan that a few nights before he had dreamt he was awake tending sheep at his small farm in Newfordshire, Brogan immediately called her husband, psychiatrist Peter Brogan, for advice.

Since neither doctor had heard of a person who actually dreamed of being awake, Brogan called his former mentor at Effinburgh medical school.  Professor Lawrence Soland also was unfamiliar with the phenomenon despite being the world’s foremost expert on dreams.

“Until Peter called me, neither I nor anyone else had ever even imagined someone asleep could dream of being awake.  The accepted view was that people who were daydreaming and awake could dream of being asleep, but no one could do the opposite. This opens up a whole new area of research for sleep scientists.  Now who knows what the Brannum Foci of the brain are capable of producing?”

Internet chat rooms for sleep researchers are now filled with such questions as:  could someone who is asleep actually dream of having a daydream of being asleep while dreaming of being awake?

WORLD IN CHAOS BECAUSE OF CONFUSION OVER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME JINGLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language, Politics
Posted on 14-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Mary Lynn Peterson had no idea how much chaos she would create when she launched the “new and improved” daylight savings reminder to “spring back then fall forward.”

For many years, people across the globe have remembered what to clockdo twice a year when Daylight Savings Time kicks in.  Each spring they would refer to the age-old saying to “spring forward” and in the fall to “fall back.”

May Lynn Peterson, a fourth grade teacher in Arlington, Virginia, had long been uncomfortable with this common rubric. “I always thought it was dumb to say “spring forward” when you are actually simply resetting your clock.  “Spring back” made more sense since it was a message to turn your clocks back to the time it was before Daylight Savings Time caused you to move them ahead an hour.”

“Similarly,” she continued, “’fall back’ made no sense since you were actually subtracting an hour, thus gaining an hour when you set your clocks back an hour to the time it was before you reset them last year.  Thus, “fall forward” is better since you get an extra hour to live each fall.”

Word of this improved model quickly spread by internet throughout the world.  People in every country began to advocate for one or the other jingle.  Legislators in Sri Lanka adopted Peterson’s new approach, while those in India voted to stick with the tried-and-true model.  Advocates of both models clashed in Moscow, Beijing, and New York, causing at least twenty deaths so far.

President Obama has called for restraint and understanding, and has formally asked Congress to adopt the new Peterson approach to clarify the difficulties surrounding the time switch twice each year.

The Tea Party blamed the violence on Obama and big government’s interference in the international time conventions.  “Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms and off their wrists,” said Tea Party Spokesperson Carole Thompson of Marietta, Georgia. “Let the market decide the time system.  Whether it is noon or five o’clock should be decided by market forces, not the stupidity of big government.  If a state wants to change the system entirely, it should be permitted to do so.  The Constitution does not mention time-setting and my God-given rights are violated every time the government gets involved in my life.”

DOG ACTUALLY BARKS “WOOF”

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Language, Nature
Posted on 21-02-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Tallahassee.  Wayne Loganski came home from his favorite bar last Saturday night and discovered that his dog, William, now actually barks “woof.”

Loganski, a plumber, was amazed when William clearly said “woof” in welcoming Loganski home from a routine drunken binge “It was incredible,” said Loganski.  “Everyone knows dogs don’t actually say “woof” or even “arf.” 

William’s woof-bark has been received well by humans but less enthusiastically by other dogs.  For reasons that Loganski does not understand, other dogs now refuse to play with William or even sniff his behind.  “He is an outcast pure and simple,” said Loganski.

Professor Guido Seidenfeld of Florida State University’s School of Veterinary Medicine in Tallahassee reported in a professional journal that William may be the only dog on earth who barks with a “woof” sound.dog-woof

“We thought ‘woof’ was just a made-up description of the bark of a canine, but apparently it is more than fiction,” said Dr. Seidenfeld in a telephone interview.  “So far we have no idea why William says “woof,” though one of my colleagues thinks William is simply mimicking a bark he heard on television.”

“My research team and I have now begun an international study to assess what sounds dogs actually make when they bark.  No researcher has ever even asked the question much less explored this important issue.  So far we have obtained $35 million in government stimulus money for our project and we hope to get another $100 million from federal earmarks.

“We fully expect this research to be even more significant than our last project where we measured the number of times a dog scratches when it has fleas.”

VENTRILOQUIST PROJECTS OWN VOICE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language, Leisure
Posted on 25-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Miami.  Ventriloquist Samuel “The Voice” Pether has finally perfected the art of projecting his own voice as if it were coming from his own mouth.

man alone on stage “I have been working on this my whole life,” said a proud Pether, an experienced ventriloquist who has performed throughout the world for almost forty years.  “I had gotten pretty good at the usual suspects:  JFK, DeNiro, Obama, John Wayne, and Cheney.  But I just couldn’t crack the ultimate challenge:  me!

 “At first,” he said, “I thought it would be impossible.  It is hard to hear yourself and especially hard to imitate your own voice.  I must have tried it a million times before I got it right.

 “My wife confirmed it.  She walked into the bathroom where I was rehearsing and told me I sounded just like myself.  I literally squealed with joy when she said it.  You can’t imagine how pleased I was. Now I can’t wait to hear what I have to say!”

Audiences have reacted enthusiastically to this part of Pether’s act.  At a recent performance, one man actually shouted “Bravo” and another wept when Pether spent five minutes imitating himself talking to himself about a dog they had in common. 

 “I have never seen anything like it,” said an admiring fiftyish woman who attended the performance.  “Simply stunning! Stunning.!”

CHINESE AND JEWS CELEBRATE YEAR OF S(CH)MUCK

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  For the first time in recorded history, the Chinese and Jewish New Years overlap both in date and in nomenclature.  Jews all over the world will observe the Year of the cooking stick over fireSchmuck while Chinese everywhere will soon begin to celebrate the much-anticipated Year of Smuck.  In both Mandarin and Yiddish, the term schmuck (pronounced “smuck” in Mandarin) means jerk.  (The French call it “schmu,” omitting the last two letters.)

While the two will observe similar holidays, the symbols utilized by them will differ markedly.  Jews symbolize this year by pictures of Moses riding a camel heading in the wrong moses on cameldirection from Egypt.  The equivalent Chinese representation is of the legendary General Tso cooking  a stick over an open fire.

Despite these differences, the holiday will be festive and fun, especially for the children.  David Greenberg, a 7-year old from Kew Gardens, New York, said, “I can’t wait for the New Year.  I’ll finally be 8-years old and can smoke cigarettes like grandpa.”  When his mother Rose reminded him that the New Year is not the same as his birthday, young David responded, “Well, maybe I’ll get good presents at least.”

Liu Wah-Fong, a precious 5 year-old from Chinatown in New York, was equally happy.  “I can’t wait.  Mommy said we get to play like we are steaks which should be great fun.  His mother corrected her, “I said you get to play like you are snakes, not steaks.”  Liu began to cry and was not available to complete the interview.

MAN MAKES ONLY SOUNDS THAT ARE IN THE DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Literature
Posted on 14-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA.  Ben Nelson, a bright 24 year-old English teacher, decided that from now on he would only utter sounds that comprise words in the Oxford Dictionary.

“I just want to sound erudite for my friends.  So I figured that I could dictionaryaccomplish this if I only made sounds that were words in the dictionary.  I never realized how much of a struggle the undertaking would be.  For example, I can’t laugh, grunt, or cry since none is in the dictionary at this time.

“The biggest problem was when I cut off the end of my finger with a sharp knife last weekend.  I couldn’t even yelp or express pain other than to say, ‘Goodness, I think I just cut off my finger and it hurts very much.’

“I still have many unanswered questions about what I am supposed to do.  Can I pant after a long jog?  How about clapping at a concert or passing wind?  A kiss that makes a smacking sound?”

Terence Bradford, Chief Editor of the Oxford Dictionary, was impressed with Nelson’s efforts and promised that the staff would try to add to the dictionary words that spell the kind of sounds that Nelson makes, but admitted that the group was especially frustrated by its inability to spell the sound made when a person passes wind. “We have listened to recordings of this sound but just can’t crack the word barrier. This is our ultimate challenge.”

NEW GUINNESS RECORD: MAN INCOMPREHENSIBLE IN EVERY LANGUAGE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Language
Posted on 31-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Salem, Illinois.  The Guinness Book of World Records announced that Tom Richards, a farmer from the small town of Salem, Illinois, has achieved what no one else in the world has ever accomplished:  he is incomprehensible in every single language.

“This is a most amazing accomplishment,” said Professor Nicole Harbwhat-did-you-say of the Yale Linguistics Department.  “There are as many as 8,000 languages and no one has ever been totally incomprehensible in all of them.  Sure, we have had some people who did not speak Mandarin or even Russian, but not one who could not be understood in any language on earth.”

Though Tom Richards could not be interviewed for this article because of communication problems, his wife, Helen, said, “Tom has always wanted to be in the Guinness book and thought this might be an area he could excel in.  You have no idea how hard he has worked for the past 25 years to not be understood in any language.  I think the hardest part was English since he knew English pretty good and it was flat out almost impossible for him to be totally incomprehensible in it.  But the work paid off.  Why now, even our cows don’t understand him when he tries to call them at the end of the day and I have no idea at all what he says.  I am so proud of him.”