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TREE SORT OF GROWN IN BROOKLYN

WILLIAMSBURG, BROOKLYN.  Almost consistent with Betty Smith’s 1943 novel, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, a recent survey of greenery in Williamsburg found that a tree actually does sort of grow in Brooklyn, though not in Williamsburg.  The title of... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 27-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

ADORABLE GIRL ANNOUNCES FOR PRESIDENTIAL RUN IN 2056

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Election 2056, History, Politics
Posted on 22-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

unnamed[3]NEW YORK.  In a startling announcement, a really cute five-month old baby has formally announced she is a Democrat candidate for President of the United States in 2056 and has provided a platform likely to be quite attractive to many voters.

“I am sick and tired of these politicians,” said Charlotte Kennedy from her crib in a Manhattan apartment [see photo on right] where she was already practicing her acceptance speech.  “Blah, blah, blah.  That’s all they say,” she said.  “We need courageous solutions, not just words.”  She then slobbered a slight amount and announced her bold Ten Points for America.”

  1. I will be for the American people who are all Outstanding Americans, even those who don’t really look like it.
  2. I think America is the best country in the world and Americans are the smartest, most creative, and mightiest people on earth and all other countries suck.
  3. I will not waste money, decrease expenditures, or increase taxes.  Government assistance for child care or milk subsidies is not wasting money.
  4. I will work with members of all parties in order to get diaper changing tables in men’s bathrooms all over this great country.
  5. I will enact tax reform to simplify the tax code without compromising important provisions and will increase the tax exemption for adorable children.
  6. I will solve the immigration problem without providing amnesty or letting in people who should not be let in.
  7. I will encourage SAFE gun practices including limiting childrens’ access to machine guns, bazookas, and small atomic weapons.
  8. I will protect the air and water while providing an environment allowing businesses to flourish without job-killing government regulations.  My first act as President will be to issue a regulation stating that putting a slide in a park is not harmful to the environment.
  9. I will have a strong role in international events without committing American money or troops anywhere.
  10. I will not steal anything from the White House.

Randolph Macon, head of the local Democratic Party, called Ms. Kennedy “a breath of fresh air.  Just what the people need.”  Macon’s sentiment was echoed by street interviews.  A few signs have even appeared, declaring “Kennedys Make Great Presidents” and “It’s Time for Another Kennedy.”

SURVEY: TELEVISION PERSONALITY AND WARLORD ARE BEST JOBS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Sports, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 16-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

what-you-need-to-do-at-career-fairs_16001154_800833131_0_0_14037941_500[1]Washington.  The International Survey Foundation announced the results of its first poll of The Best Job in the World, showing marked and unexpected diversity among regions.

The poll of random people in 168 countries produced some startling results. Each respondent was asked to name “the best job in the world.”   In the United States, by far the most preferred career was “Television Personality.”  Most respondents reasoned that this is the only full time job where you can get paid millions and have no idea why or have anything to do.  “Professional Athlete” was a distant second among Americans.  The third choice was “Having a Rich Daddy” though some academics have questioned whether this is really a job.  “Getting a Fat Allowance”, however, was universally considered to be a legitimate job and finished ninth in the American poll.

In Afghanistan the results were quite different.   Over 90% of respondents indicated that being a “Warlord” was the best job in the world.  “Goat Herding” was a distant second followed by “Shooting People.”  Interestingly, ”Shooting People” was only eleventh in the American poll.

The only unanimous poll occurred in Australia where 100% of 84,000 respondents said “Being in a Beer Commercial” was the best job in the world.

No surprisingly, the Vatican poll showed “Being Pope” as a popular choice.  However, there was a strange and unexplained divergence since over 100,000 males overwhelmingly voted this way but only three women did.

 

MISSISSIPPI ADDS RIGHT SHOE AS OFFICIAL STATE SHOE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

259196_stock-photo-old-bootJackson, Mississippi.  As part of a larger plan to attract businesses and tourists to Mississippi, Governor Buddy Ray Baldwin announced that the legislature had just selected the right shoe as the Official Shoe of Mississippi.

“For several years now our progressive legislature has been enacting laws designed to make Mississippi even more appealing to businesses and tourists from all over the world,” said Governor Baldwin.  “When someone pointed out we have an official Tree and an Official Bird but do not have an Official Shoe, the legislature sprong (sic) into action.   A subcommittee was formed in each house, over 600 extensive hearings were conducted both in Jackson and around the State, and it became clear that the citizens of this Great State wanted the right shoe as their Official Shoe. This became even more compelling when the Senate Committee discovered that Mississippi would be the first state in the Union to have an Official State Shoe. ”

“The right shoe was selected, “continued the Governor, “because it shows clearly that this Great State is right-leaning and God-fearing;  not one of the Communist left-leaning States like California and New York.  I understand they are both considering making marijuana their state plant.  In contrast, our decision shows plainly that Mississippians are working folk because every worker in the State wears a right shoe;  it is required by safety laws.”

Yoguna Tagasaki, head of site selection for Toyota, issued a public statement about the news.  “Before Mississippi adopted the right shoe as its Official Shoe, frankly Toyota had eliminated it for consideration for our next mega-factory in the U.S.  But now the ball game has changed.  In our assessment, Mississippi has become a leader in the competition for the factory.  We seek a progressive environment and what could be more creative and progressive than the adoption of an Official Shoe.”

In response to Mississippi’s bold and seemingly successful action, at least twenty other states are now exploring adopting their own Official Shoe as part of the cutthroat business of attracting jobs.  Delaware is even considering the adoption of its Official Shoe, Glove, Sock, Baseball Bat, Word, Pretzel. Ice Cream, Color, Lego Piece, Cosmetic Surgery, and Garden Tool.

 

 

FRENCH ADOPT CARRY LAW FOR GUILLOTINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, History, Human Body, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

PARIS.  In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.sotn mini guillotine

The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine.  French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.

“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter.  “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like.  Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them.  We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say.  I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”

Not all French agree with Dumont.  Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever.  “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists.  We would be powerless to do anything!”

In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines.  The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size.  It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide.  It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings.  It can also be used to cut tomatoes.

COURT REQUIRES INTERPRETER FOR ILLITERATE’S EYE TEST

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Language, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA. In a precedent-setting decision, a California judge ordered the California Department of Motor Vehicles to provide, free of charge, an interpreter to assist illiterate people taking the driver’s license eye test.
eye chartHolding that the Equal Protection Clause protects “the literate as well as the unliterate.” Judge Phoebe Winebauer held that impoverished illiterate people taking the eye exam required for a driver’s license in California must be given the services of a qualified interpreter. “How can even the person with perfect vision be expected to pass the eye test which uses letters and numbers if the person cannot read?” asked Judge Winebauer. “I refuse to allow such discrimination. We are equal or we are not equal but the law will not tolerate us being both unless we are one or the other,” she opined in a carefully nuanced 400 page opinion.

Governor Jerry Brown applauded the decision and immediately ordered the State to hire 250 interpreters to be assigned to every DMV location where eye examinations are offered.

At the San Rafael DMV office, Hector Alvarez, age 96,  who is both illiterate and has been blind since birth proudly stepped up to the eye examination machine and took his first eye test. Standing next to him was Rebecca Morris, a 21 year-old high school dropout with perfect vision who was recently hired to assist “literacy-challenged” people like Mr. Alvarez.

Mr. Alvarez peered into the machine, then moved back as Ms. Morris looked inside. “Line 12 is R, B, P. 6. D. 9” she whispered to Alvarez. Grinning, he repeated “line 12, R, B, P …” and was interrupted by the DMV agent administering the test. “Good job, Mr. Alvarez,” said the agent. “You passed. I don’t need to proceed further.”

“Only in America is this possible,” said a beaming Mr. Alvarez. “I could not even have dreamed I could get a driver’s license, but now I have one. I can’t wait to take my great grandchildren on a long drive!

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE FINALLY ADDS “SHOE” TO OLYMPIC GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Inventions, Sports
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

iphone pictures 2-2015 055Berlin. In response to widespread public pressure from every corner of the globe, the International Olympic Committee has finally added “shoe” to the 2020 Winter Olympic Games.  It is expected at least 175 countries will enter both individual and team competitions.

Reflecting the social media-prompted craze, the game of shoe has essentially taken over the world sport scene. Attendance at soccer, baseball, and American football is at an all-time low. On September 16, 2014, for example, while only 18 people saw the New York Yankees play the Boston Red Sox for the American league championship, many millions were at home playing shoe and an estimated one billion people in 120 countries watched the nail-biting match between top-rated teams from Iceland and Kenya, won by Kenya on the last play of the contest.

A deceptively simply game, shoe involves strategically placing two shoes on the outside (cannot be on the inside) of a door but no more than eight inches from the door itself. Points are allocated based on the type of shoe, the angle(s) and heights of the shoes, and, most importantly, the creativity in using the limited space and the two shoes.

Players take turns manipulating the shoes with points allocated after each move. The photo to the upper right depicts the Wymann Gambit first played in 1994 by Alphonse Wymann of the Netherlands who placed two crossed orange flip flop shoes in the center of the door with one resting on its heel and the other on its toe and, obviously, won the match with the best total score in the history of the game.   No one had ever made this innovative play before and Wymann was the unanimous choice as the 1997 Shoe Player of the Year.

The game is over when the referees declare “time” and declare a winner. A unique feature of shoe is that the winner is not necessarily the person with the higher point score or even with a decent score. The refs have the discretion to declare the winner to be the athlete with the lower score. In addition, the referees decide how long the match lasts, ranging from a few seconds to four months. This unusual approach to timekeeping and scoring keeps fans’interest at a feverish high until the winner is announced.

OLYMPICS ADD KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE TELLING FOR 2016

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Geography, History, Sports
Posted on 13-08-2012 | E-mail this to a friend

2016 Olympians

ATHENS. The International Olympics Committee shocked the sports world by announcing even another innovation for the 2016 Summer Games: knock-knock joke telling.

As reported first in Sort of the News in October 2011, the Committee already added six new games for 2016: killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.

The most recent announcement by Hector Lopez for the Committee involves telling the most knock-knock jokes in 1 minute, 37 seconds. The rules require the athlete to assume both roles in the knock-knock dialogue which must be presented in either English or standard sign language. The athlete must laugh sincerely after each knock-knock joke for at least 3 seconds.

“We are continuing to listen to the billions of Olympic fans who have demanded the new sport which has overtaken the international imagination,” said Lopez. “While in the past the youngest athlete to compete was 15 years old, with the new knock-knock sport we anticipate athletes as young as four and as old as 107 may be able to enter the contest.”

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND REAL OPENING TO HELL IN CENTRAL PARK DIG

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
Posted on 05-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.   Archaeologists from the famed Museum of Natural History confirmed that a research team digging in northwest Central Park found the actual entrance to Hell located about two feet beneath the surface near a trash bin.

“Our research team was stunned, to say the least,” said Dr. Frances Martin, head of the project.  “We were looking for artifacts from the revolutionary war and came upon a rather large opening about twenty feet in diameter that seemed very warm inside.  We inserted a probe about 100 feet and recorded a significant increase in temperature in the deeper regions.”

“As soon as I realized that we had discovered the entryway to Hell, we immediately covered up the hole to prevent anyone from inadvertently falling in,” continued Martin.  “We are now discussing whether to continue research in the area or abandon the project and let well enough alone.”

Religious leaders from around the world have widely condemned the research as invading the province of the churches.  “Hell is our business, not some scientist,” said a high-ranking member of a fundamentalist church who refused to be identified because of concerns that he may go to Hell if discovered.  Jewish leaders agreed though noted that their faith does not exactly embrace the concept of Hell.

The only significant group to demand further exploration was the biker group “Hell’s Angels.”  Albert “Snuffer” Haynes, speaking for the club, demanded “immediate access to the site so his club members could experience what Hell is really like,” an experience Haynes claimed was protected by the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom to travel.  Haynes did not rule out the possibility that the Angels would try to make Hell their official headquarters.  “We are consulting counsel about it,” he said.

 

PEANUT EVOLVED FROM DUCK; NOT OTHER WAY AROUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, History, Nature
Posted on 14-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Cambridge, England.  In a modern version of the chicken-egg controversy, geneticists at Cambridge University have solved the ancient question of whether a peanut evolved from a duck or whether a duck evolved from a peanut or a rock.

Using the latest DNA techniques, Cambridge scientists have concluded their ten-year project examining the DNA of peanuts, rocks, and ducks.   Sir Henry Flatstone, speaking for the Cambridge Genetics Project, announced that the working group has “conclusively established that peanuts evolved from ducks despite previous scientific conjecture that ducks came from peanuts.  We also investigated the theory, started by Euclid and held by a handful of geneticists, that ducks evolved from rocks.”

“Once we gave it a go after a few years of lassitude, we were able to extract a full set of DNA from a peanut, a rock and a duck,” said Flatstone. “Our computers then compared them at sixteen million separate points and found, though there were remarkable similarities, that ducks came first.  Peanuts began to develop when a dwarf molecule at the 17th chromosome of a mallard duck somehow changed into what is likely a tiny peanut that resembled a very small Pee Wee Herman but evolved over the next two million years into the peanut we know today.  Rocks, it turned out, are not related to any known animal, including ducks, and so are a separate species.”

The scientific community, not surprisingly, was buzzing about the discovery and more than one geneticist predicted that Flatstone could be on his way to a Nobel Prize in something or other.

OLYMPIC GAMES RETURN TO ROOTS WITH WEIRD NEW GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Leisure, Sports
Posted on 10-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

ATHENS.  The International Olympics Committee today announced a major return to historical roots and added six traditional games and deleted four current groups of events.

The press release stated that the Committee decided to reinvigorate the Olympics by returning to the games that were played when the Olympics were first held in 776 BC.   “We must go back to our roots when the games were convened in Olympia in honor of Zeus,” said Hector Lopez for the Olympics Committee.

Starting in 2014, six new sports will be added:  killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.

Because of time constraints, the following sports will no longer be sanctioned:  all track and field events, all events involving snow, and anything using a ball.

Lopez said proudly, “To further experience our origins, we will now start the games by sacrificing 100 oxen.  Our officials will use sundials to time the events and everyone, including swimmers, must wear a toga.  It will be a true renaissance!”

The world sporting community reacted enthusiastically to the changes.  “Track and field and skiing were getting boring,” said Woljkxwrr Bprwqthxbwz of the Polish Olympic Community.  “Our athletes are already beginning to train for the exciting new events.”

 

JESUS, MOHAMMED, AND YAHWEH APPOINTED TO BRITISH HOUSE OF LORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Geography, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 17-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

London.   The English House of Lords increased its membership by three by adding Jesus, Mohammed, and Yahweh as members.

 “It just seemed the right thing to do,” said Robert Pickwick, spokesperson for the House of Lords Appointments Committee.  “After all, we have about 740 members including 26 bishops.  How could we not include Lord Jesus, Lord Mohammed, and Lord Yahweh?”

Lords in House of Lords Their appointments, like all life peers, are for their entire life.  “Frankly, we have not faced the issue of what to do if one of them dies, but I guess we will if it ever happens,” said Pickwick.

The announcement set off a flurry of comments, some quite hostile.  The Agnostics Society said the appointment violated their right to be free from government adoption of religion, a claim that most would reject as inconsistent with the House of Lord’s historical representation of Bishops of the Church of England.

 Both members of the Ooltewah faith, a small nature-worshipping religion based in a cigar store in Liverpool, immediately began circulating a petition to have their god-figure, called Oolte, selected as a life peer in the next round of appointments.  Oolte, regarded as having the body of a very large gerbil, the feet of a millipede, and the head of Lyle Lovett, the American entertainer,  was first seen in a dream by Skye Oolte (formerly William Smithe) who was in a drunken stupor after attending  a Lyle Lovett concert.

 Mr. Pickwick, of the Appointments Committee, denied comment but said that he would look at any petitions he received for new positions in the House of Lords.

WORLD IN CHAOS BECAUSE OF CONFUSION OVER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME JINGLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language, Politics
Posted on 14-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Mary Lynn Peterson had no idea how much chaos she would create when she launched the “new and improved” daylight savings reminder to “spring back then fall forward.”

For many years, people across the globe have remembered what to clockdo twice a year when Daylight Savings Time kicks in.  Each spring they would refer to the age-old saying to “spring forward” and in the fall to “fall back.”

May Lynn Peterson, a fourth grade teacher in Arlington, Virginia, had long been uncomfortable with this common rubric. “I always thought it was dumb to say “spring forward” when you are actually simply resetting your clock.  “Spring back” made more sense since it was a message to turn your clocks back to the time it was before Daylight Savings Time caused you to move them ahead an hour.”

“Similarly,” she continued, “’fall back’ made no sense since you were actually subtracting an hour, thus gaining an hour when you set your clocks back an hour to the time it was before you reset them last year.  Thus, “fall forward” is better since you get an extra hour to live each fall.”

Word of this improved model quickly spread by internet throughout the world.  People in every country began to advocate for one or the other jingle.  Legislators in Sri Lanka adopted Peterson’s new approach, while those in India voted to stick with the tried-and-true model.  Advocates of both models clashed in Moscow, Beijing, and New York, causing at least twenty deaths so far.

President Obama has called for restraint and understanding, and has formally asked Congress to adopt the new Peterson approach to clarify the difficulties surrounding the time switch twice each year.

The Tea Party blamed the violence on Obama and big government’s interference in the international time conventions.  “Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms and off their wrists,” said Tea Party Spokesperson Carole Thompson of Marietta, Georgia. “Let the market decide the time system.  Whether it is noon or five o’clock should be decided by market forces, not the stupidity of big government.  If a state wants to change the system entirely, it should be permitted to do so.  The Constitution does not mention time-setting and my God-given rights are violated every time the government gets involved in my life.”

BACHMANN WANTS TEA PARTY TO ADOPT HEADLESS HORSEMAN AS ITS OFFICIAL MASCOT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Election 2012, History, Inventions, Politics, Religion
Posted on 27-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington.  In a speech to Tea Party loyalists, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann called on the Tea Party to adopt the Headless Horseman as its official mascot.

“”I suggest that the Tea Party adopt the Headless Horseman as its symbol and mascot,” said a beaming Bachmann addressing a small crowd of cheering Tea Party activists in Washington to protest both a government-gone-wild with excess spending and the possible cut in Social Security and Medicare benefits to elderly Americans.

Bachmann enthusiastically yelled, “What could be more appropriate than this Revolutionary War symbol that celebrates George Washington’s God-inspired walk across the top of the waters of the Potomac when he uttered the words that Americans will never forget, ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

When asked for a comment, MSNBC host Chris Matthews screeched, “She’s an idiot!  She knows nothing about American history.  The Headless Horseman is in a work of fiction by Washington Irving.  And George Washington said, ‘I cannot tell a lie,’ not ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

Bachmann’s response to Matthews HeadlessHorsemanwas pithy and biting, “He’s an idiot who knows nothing about American history.”

Matthews’ response to Bachmann’s response was short and sweet.  “She’s an idiot.”

President Obama, choosing to walk the middle ground in this now spirited public dispute, was quoted as saying, “I can understand both of their views but it is now the time to move ahead and drastically cut federal spending without removing any benefits from anyone.  I know we can do it.  Remember, we are Americans. We invented the internet and everything else.”

NORTH DAKOTA MAN ON FBI’S “LEAST WANTED LIST” FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Fargo, N.D.  Delmar Foxspin of rural North Dakota has just been placed on the FBI’s “Ten Least Wanted List” for the seventeenth consecutive year.

“I cannot tell you what an honor this is,” said an embarrassed Foxspin.  “Frankly, I have never done anything at all my entire life and I was shocked to receive this incredible news. 

“I have no family, no friends, no job, no address, no money, no car; nothing.  Who would have thought that someone like me from North Dakota would be selected by the FBI!  I am overwhelmed and so grateful.”

When contacted for information about the award, FBI wantedFBI Special Agent Valerie Thomas said “we cannot comment on official activities but I can tell you that we had many, many candidates this year and the choice was especially difficult.  You have no idea how many people there are who no one cares about and have never done anything interesting.”

“Mr. Foxspin’s repeated placement on this list is remarkable since it is so hard to do absolutely nothing for an entire year.   I hope school children throughout the world will take him as a role model. With more people like him the world would be a far safer place.”

CHINESE FINALLY INVENT CHOPKNIFE TO GO WITH CHOPSTICKS

Posted by Tracy West | Posted in Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  After 1700 years of experimentation, Chinese scientists have just completed Phase One work on a chopknife to be used with chopsticks.

The chopstick was invented several thousand years ago by Chinese peasants who needed something to eat with other than their hands, which were dirty from working in sweatshops making designer apparel for the upscale American market.

These wooden chopsticks are still used throughout the world in Chinese restaurants and even in China proper, despite the invention of the metal fork, spoon, and knife.

Chinese intellectuals have long recognized the need for other items to supplement the use of chopsticks which are not very good for chopping, cutting, or consuming soup. Yesterday’s announcement that a chopknife was invented brought cheers from millions of chopstick enthusiasts.

The prototype chopknife is made of wood and is designed to cut meat and other block of wooditems.  Unfortunately, the first version is a large square block of wood three inches on each side with a small hole in it. Early test results indicate it has limited cutting utility.  One scholar, who insisted on anonymity,  suggested that this could be because it has no cutting surface.

Professor Ming Chang who announced the technological breakthrough, noted that “we are aware that the first model of the chopknife has some minor functional problems but our research team fully expects to work them out in the next few years. 

“Until then,” said Professor Chang, “people may find that the chopknife is very useful for pounding and squashing and the little hole in it can be used for storing tiny things.                                                     

“Our team is also working on a chopstick-like implement to be used for consuming soup.  Our initial model is a hollow chopstick that can be used as both a straw for liquids like soup and beer as well as a traditional chopstick for eating solid food.  We will keep the world apprised of our progress.”

CHINESE AND JEWS CELEBRATE YEAR OF S(CH)MUCK

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  For the first time in recorded history, the Chinese and Jewish New Years overlap both in date and in nomenclature.  Jews all over the world will observe the Year of the cooking stick over fireSchmuck while Chinese everywhere will soon begin to celebrate the much-anticipated Year of Smuck.  In both Mandarin and Yiddish, the term schmuck (pronounced “smuck” in Mandarin) means jerk.  (The French call it “schmu,” omitting the last two letters.)

While the two will observe similar holidays, the symbols utilized by them will differ markedly.  Jews symbolize this year by pictures of Moses riding a camel heading in the wrong moses on cameldirection from Egypt.  The equivalent Chinese representation is of the legendary General Tso cooking  a stick over an open fire.

Despite these differences, the holiday will be festive and fun, especially for the children.  David Greenberg, a 7-year old from Kew Gardens, New York, said, “I can’t wait for the New Year.  I’ll finally be 8-years old and can smoke cigarettes like grandpa.”  When his mother Rose reminded him that the New Year is not the same as his birthday, young David responded, “Well, maybe I’ll get good presents at least.”

Liu Wah-Fong, a precious 5 year-old from Chinatown in New York, was equally happy.  “I can’t wait.  Mommy said we get to play like we are steaks which should be great fun.  His mother corrected her, “I said you get to play like you are snakes, not steaks.”  Liu began to cry and was not available to complete the interview.

WALL STREET DEREGULATES CONGRESS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Politics
Posted on 21-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

wall street street signNew York.  At a secret meeting of the leaders of virtually every Wall Street investment and legal firm, it was unanimously decided that Congress should be deregulated so that “market forces can be freed to release the financial colossus of the American economy.”

“We have gone too long with a Congress that is hamstringing the American economy with rules and regulations that seriously impede Wall Street’s ability to do what it does best:  allow the American economy and the American worker to thrive.” said a person who attended the session but agreed to be quoted only on the condition of anonymity. 

The source continued, “From now on, all these stupid, short-sighted government policies dealing with health, safety, the stock market and banks as well as those limiting the income and benefits of Members of Congress will be repealed and replaced by the market forces, which is the greatest protection Americans could ever have.”

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R. Ohio) immediately endorsed capitol-hill-buildingthe concept of deregulating Congress.  “It is about time that we extend the free market economy to Congress where it has been sorely lacking.  Getting rid of useless laws and regulations and freeing members of Congress to take full advantage of the economic benefits of serving the people should produce a far more productive lawmaking body.”

BIRTH CERTIFICATE PROVES O’BAMA IS IRISH

Posted by Tracy West | Posted in Election 2008, History, Politics
Posted on 13-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Dublin, Ireland.  After years of speculation about the birth of President O’Bama, an anonymous source produced the official birth certificate of the President and established conclusively that he was born in Cork, Ireland, and was named Barney O’Bama at 7:24 P.M. on August 4, 1961.

“I knew there was something Irish about him,” said Conor O’Neill,barack_obama_caricature_irish_ireland President of the Republic of Ireland.  “You could tell it in his face, maybe the twinkle in his wee eye.  He actually looks very Irish. Everyone is so proud to have one of us now the President of the United States. Actually, this should not have surprised anyone;  in Gaelic the word “O’Bama” means  “big ears.”

Senator John McCain, defeated  by O’Bama in 2008, issued a formal statement that he had always suspected “O’Bama was not a real American.  Now we know he was not pretending not to be a Muslim; he was actually pretending not to be Irish.  My staff is now investigating whether O’Bama is even eligible to serve as President because of his Irish birth.

 “Since I was the runner-up in the election, I assume I’ll automatically be sworn in as President should the Irishman be ineligible to serve.”  When reminded that the Constitution specifically provided for a line of succession if the President becomes incapable of holding the office, Senator McCain said, “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

OLYMPICS ADD REVENGE AS SPORT FOR SUMMER GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Leisure
Posted on 22-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Lausanne, Switzerland.  In a close vote, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) approved revenge as an official event for the 2012 London Olympics.

 “The IOC is committed to increasing diversity among Olympic participants,” said olympicsJacques Rogge, IOC President.  “Since revenge is part of virtually every culture on earth, we thought that adding this sport would encourage people ordinarily excluded from Olympic involvement to train and enter the competition and have the incredible experience of being an Olympic athlete.”

Reaction to the announcement was overwhelmingly positive and seemed to indicate that the goal of improving diversity may materialize. “Nothing represents peace and international understanding more than the Olympic tradition,” said Lorena Bobbit who once cut off her husband’s penis as revenge for raping her.  “I know a lot about revenge and am thinking seriously of trying out for the American revenge team.”  Prisoner # 98329 (name withheld for privacy reasons) issued a statement saying that he had “committed at least 43 revenge killings and is very well qualified to represent America in the London games.” 

A Los Angeles gang banger, known as “El Knifo,” also indicated an interest in becoming an Olympian.  An unnamed Serbian, charged with crimes against humanity by the International Criminal Tribunal, spoke through an intermediary and expressed a hope that “bygones would be bygones” and he would be welcomed into the Olympic Community as a representative of his country.  Nineteen scorned women from various countries have also expressed a desire to join their respective nations’ teams.