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MALE EQUIVALENT OF WORD “SLUT” DISCOVERED

 NEW HAVEN, CT–A paper published by a Yale English professor in the prestigious Journal of the English Language reported that he and his research team have solved the ancient problem of finding the male equivalent of the word “slut.”  Professor... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 27-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

SURVEY: TELEVISION PERSONALITY AND WARLORD ARE BEST JOBS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Sports, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 16-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

what-you-need-to-do-at-career-fairs_16001154_800833131_0_0_14037941_500[1]Washington.  The International Survey Foundation announced the results of its first poll of The Best Job in the World, showing marked and unexpected diversity among regions.

The poll of random people in 168 countries produced some startling results. Each respondent was asked to name “the best job in the world.”   In the United States, by far the most preferred career was “Television Personality.”  Most respondents reasoned that this is the only full time job where you can get paid millions and have no idea why or have anything to do.  “Professional Athlete” was a distant second among Americans.  The third choice was “Having a Rich Daddy” though some academics have questioned whether this is really a job.  “Getting a Fat Allowance”, however, was universally considered to be a legitimate job and finished ninth in the American poll.

In Afghanistan the results were quite different.   Over 90% of respondents indicated that being a “Warlord” was the best job in the world.  “Goat Herding” was a distant second followed by “Shooting People.”  Interestingly, ”Shooting People” was only eleventh in the American poll.

The only unanimous poll occurred in Australia where 100% of 84,000 respondents said “Being in a Beer Commercial” was the best job in the world.

No surprisingly, the Vatican poll showed “Being Pope” as a popular choice.  However, there was a strange and unexplained divergence since over 100,000 males overwhelmingly voted this way but only three women did.

 

MISSISSIPPI ADDS RIGHT SHOE AS OFFICIAL STATE SHOE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

259196_stock-photo-old-bootJackson, Mississippi.  As part of a larger plan to attract businesses and tourists to Mississippi, Governor Buddy Ray Baldwin announced that the legislature had just selected the right shoe as the Official Shoe of Mississippi.

“For several years now our progressive legislature has been enacting laws designed to make Mississippi even more appealing to businesses and tourists from all over the world,” said Governor Baldwin.  “When someone pointed out we have an official Tree and an Official Bird but do not have an Official Shoe, the legislature sprong (sic) into action.   A subcommittee was formed in each house, over 600 extensive hearings were conducted both in Jackson and around the State, and it became clear that the citizens of this Great State wanted the right shoe as their Official Shoe. This became even more compelling when the Senate Committee discovered that Mississippi would be the first state in the Union to have an Official State Shoe. ”

“The right shoe was selected, “continued the Governor, “because it shows clearly that this Great State is right-leaning and God-fearing;  not one of the Communist left-leaning States like California and New York.  I understand they are both considering making marijuana their state plant.  In contrast, our decision shows plainly that Mississippians are working folk because every worker in the State wears a right shoe;  it is required by safety laws.”

Yoguna Tagasaki, head of site selection for Toyota, issued a public statement about the news.  “Before Mississippi adopted the right shoe as its Official Shoe, frankly Toyota had eliminated it for consideration for our next mega-factory in the U.S.  But now the ball game has changed.  In our assessment, Mississippi has become a leader in the competition for the factory.  We seek a progressive environment and what could be more creative and progressive than the adoption of an Official Shoe.”

In response to Mississippi’s bold and seemingly successful action, at least twenty other states are now exploring adopting their own Official Shoe as part of the cutthroat business of attracting jobs.  Delaware is even considering the adoption of its Official Shoe, Glove, Sock, Baseball Bat, Word, Pretzel. Ice Cream, Color, Lego Piece, Cosmetic Surgery, and Garden Tool.

 

 

COURT REQUIRES INTERPRETER FOR ILLITERATE’S EYE TEST

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Language, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA. In a precedent-setting decision, a California judge ordered the California Department of Motor Vehicles to provide, free of charge, an interpreter to assist illiterate people taking the driver’s license eye test.
eye chartHolding that the Equal Protection Clause protects “the literate as well as the unliterate.” Judge Phoebe Winebauer held that impoverished illiterate people taking the eye exam required for a driver’s license in California must be given the services of a qualified interpreter. “How can even the person with perfect vision be expected to pass the eye test which uses letters and numbers if the person cannot read?” asked Judge Winebauer. “I refuse to allow such discrimination. We are equal or we are not equal but the law will not tolerate us being both unless we are one or the other,” she opined in a carefully nuanced 400 page opinion.

Governor Jerry Brown applauded the decision and immediately ordered the State to hire 250 interpreters to be assigned to every DMV location where eye examinations are offered.

At the San Rafael DMV office, Hector Alvarez, age 96,  who is both illiterate and has been blind since birth proudly stepped up to the eye examination machine and took his first eye test. Standing next to him was Rebecca Morris, a 21 year-old high school dropout with perfect vision who was recently hired to assist “literacy-challenged” people like Mr. Alvarez.

Mr. Alvarez peered into the machine, then moved back as Ms. Morris looked inside. “Line 12 is R, B, P. 6. D. 9” she whispered to Alvarez. Grinning, he repeated “line 12, R, B, P …” and was interrupted by the DMV agent administering the test. “Good job, Mr. Alvarez,” said the agent. “You passed. I don’t need to proceed further.”

“Only in America is this possible,” said a beaming Mr. Alvarez. “I could not even have dreamed I could get a driver’s license, but now I have one. I can’t wait to take my great grandchildren on a long drive!

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE FINALLY ADDS “SHOE” TO OLYMPIC GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Inventions, Sports
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

iphone pictures 2-2015 055Berlin. In response to widespread public pressure from every corner of the globe, the International Olympic Committee has finally added “shoe” to the 2020 Winter Olympic Games.  It is expected at least 175 countries will enter both individual and team competitions.

Reflecting the social media-prompted craze, the game of shoe has essentially taken over the world sport scene. Attendance at soccer, baseball, and American football is at an all-time low. On September 16, 2014, for example, while only 18 people saw the New York Yankees play the Boston Red Sox for the American league championship, many millions were at home playing shoe and an estimated one billion people in 120 countries watched the nail-biting match between top-rated teams from Iceland and Kenya, won by Kenya on the last play of the contest.

A deceptively simply game, shoe involves strategically placing two shoes on the outside (cannot be on the inside) of a door but no more than eight inches from the door itself. Points are allocated based on the type of shoe, the angle(s) and heights of the shoes, and, most importantly, the creativity in using the limited space and the two shoes.

Players take turns manipulating the shoes with points allocated after each move. The photo to the upper right depicts the Wymann Gambit first played in 1994 by Alphonse Wymann of the Netherlands who placed two crossed orange flip flop shoes in the center of the door with one resting on its heel and the other on its toe and, obviously, won the match with the best total score in the history of the game.   No one had ever made this innovative play before and Wymann was the unanimous choice as the 1997 Shoe Player of the Year.

The game is over when the referees declare “time” and declare a winner. A unique feature of shoe is that the winner is not necessarily the person with the higher point score or even with a decent score. The refs have the discretion to declare the winner to be the athlete with the lower score. In addition, the referees decide how long the match lasts, ranging from a few seconds to four months. This unusual approach to timekeeping and scoring keeps fans’interest at a feverish high until the winner is announced.

Boring Man Named Bob Changes Name to boB for Excitement

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Leisure
Posted on 06-08-2012 | E-mail this to a friend

Topeville Kansas.  After being voted the Most Boring Man at the Factory, Bob Smith officially changed hs name to boB Smith to add some spice to his life.

Smith, a quiet 50 year-old man who had worked in the Utex Factory warehouse for 32 years, received the “honor” at the annual employees’ annual banquet where he was given a tee shirt memorializing the award. “Frankly, it hurt my feelings,” said Smith. “Then I decided that there may be a bit of truth in the award.  So I decided to take a bold step to electrify my image.  I went to court and had my first name changed to boB from Bob.”

“I think it helped,” he reported. “I have seen a slight change from how people react to me when I tell them my name is boB and ask them to use my new name instead of the boring “Bob.”  I even pronounce the new one differently, saying “My name is boB—uhh” to provide the proper emphasis on the last letter of my new name.”

An attractive co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous, told a reporter that the change has had a big impact at the warehouse.  “All the girls are talking about it and more than a few say that boB–uhh is a lot sexier than he used to be when he went by plain old Bob.” 

OWL GIVES BIRTH TO OWL-BOY; FATHER UNKNOWN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 02-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

TOLEDO.  In the middle of the night  Ralph the Owl gave birth to a half owl, half human baby to the amazement of staff at the Toledo zoo.

“Apparently Ralph should have been named Susan,” said an embarrassed zoo veterinarian who refused to identify himself.  “We blew it, I guess.  We have had Ralph—I mean Susan—for twelve years and thought he was a he.  I hate to say that no one actually looked.”

When asked about the half owl, half human baby, the same veterinarian said that this was not shocking. “Animals and humans have combined for years.  Have you ever heard of Tarzan?  Yogi Berra? This is the first example of a half owl, half person but we have long known it was theoretically possible,” said the anonymous vet.

“We do not know who the father is but we are checking closely to see who had access to Ralph.  If we find the scoundrel, some kind of child support lawsuit may be instituted.”

“We are going to have a national contest to name the tyke,” announced Felipe Bossert, publicist for the zoo.   “In the meantime, we are taking excellent care of the baby.  He has already begun to say a baby version of ‘ooooo.  And he really seems to like spiders and worms.”

CUTE KID ACTUALLY RAISED BY PUMPKINS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 10-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Arlington, VA.  The Child Protective League announced that it had discovered a cute two-year-old tot who was actually raised by a family of pumpkins.

James Gobbert, an investigator for the League,  did not expect to find what he found when he responded to a report of a suspicious family life for William Walters, an adorable two-year-old boy.  Going to the child’s home, Gobbert  was shocked to discover it was inhabited by a large family of orange pumpkins.  The Leader of the Pumpkins, whose name was Big Orange, said that someone left Walters on the doorstep almost two years ago and the family voted to adopt him.

Gobbert immediately took the child into custody and raced to a local hospital’s emergency room where physicians found him to be perfectly healthy.  “I was surprised, “said Gobbert. “The kid was adorable, well adjusted, and happy, so I took him back to his pumpkin family and closed the file. No reason to waste time on kids in good homes when there are so many ones who need help.”

SCIENTISTS BAFFLED: MAN DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language
Posted on 25-10-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

EFFINBURGH, SCOTLAND.    Scientists at the prestigious University of Effinburgh were shocked to
discover a sheepherder named Lien Nehoc who actually dreamed he was awake when he was not.

Nehoc first went to his family doctor, Melinda Brogan, to discuss dreams that were making him anxious.  When the sheepherder told Brogan that a few nights before he had dreamt he was awake tending sheep at his small farm in Newfordshire, Brogan immediately called her husband, psychiatrist Peter Brogan, for advice.

Since neither doctor had heard of a person who actually dreamed of being awake, Brogan called his former mentor at Effinburgh medical school.  Professor Lawrence Soland also was unfamiliar with the phenomenon despite being the world’s foremost expert on dreams.

“Until Peter called me, neither I nor anyone else had ever even imagined someone asleep could dream of being awake.  The accepted view was that people who were daydreaming and awake could dream of being asleep, but no one could do the opposite. This opens up a whole new area of research for sleep scientists.  Now who knows what the Brannum Foci of the brain are capable of producing?”

Internet chat rooms for sleep researchers are now filled with such questions as:  could someone who is asleep actually dream of having a daydream of being asleep while dreaming of being awake?

WORLD IN CHAOS BECAUSE OF CONFUSION OVER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME JINGLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language, Politics
Posted on 14-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Mary Lynn Peterson had no idea how much chaos she would create when she launched the “new and improved” daylight savings reminder to “spring back then fall forward.”

For many years, people across the globe have remembered what to clockdo twice a year when Daylight Savings Time kicks in.  Each spring they would refer to the age-old saying to “spring forward” and in the fall to “fall back.”

May Lynn Peterson, a fourth grade teacher in Arlington, Virginia, had long been uncomfortable with this common rubric. “I always thought it was dumb to say “spring forward” when you are actually simply resetting your clock.  “Spring back” made more sense since it was a message to turn your clocks back to the time it was before Daylight Savings Time caused you to move them ahead an hour.”

“Similarly,” she continued, “’fall back’ made no sense since you were actually subtracting an hour, thus gaining an hour when you set your clocks back an hour to the time it was before you reset them last year.  Thus, “fall forward” is better since you get an extra hour to live each fall.”

Word of this improved model quickly spread by internet throughout the world.  People in every country began to advocate for one or the other jingle.  Legislators in Sri Lanka adopted Peterson’s new approach, while those in India voted to stick with the tried-and-true model.  Advocates of both models clashed in Moscow, Beijing, and New York, causing at least twenty deaths so far.

President Obama has called for restraint and understanding, and has formally asked Congress to adopt the new Peterson approach to clarify the difficulties surrounding the time switch twice each year.

The Tea Party blamed the violence on Obama and big government’s interference in the international time conventions.  “Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms and off their wrists,” said Tea Party Spokesperson Carole Thompson of Marietta, Georgia. “Let the market decide the time system.  Whether it is noon or five o’clock should be decided by market forces, not the stupidity of big government.  If a state wants to change the system entirely, it should be permitted to do so.  The Constitution does not mention time-setting and my God-given rights are violated every time the government gets involved in my life.”

VENTRILOQUIST PROJECTS OWN VOICE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language, Leisure
Posted on 25-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Miami.  Ventriloquist Samuel “The Voice” Pether has finally perfected the art of projecting his own voice as if it were coming from his own mouth.

man alone on stage “I have been working on this my whole life,” said a proud Pether, an experienced ventriloquist who has performed throughout the world for almost forty years.  “I had gotten pretty good at the usual suspects:  JFK, DeNiro, Obama, John Wayne, and Cheney.  But I just couldn’t crack the ultimate challenge:  me!

 “At first,” he said, “I thought it would be impossible.  It is hard to hear yourself and especially hard to imitate your own voice.  I must have tried it a million times before I got it right.

 “My wife confirmed it.  She walked into the bathroom where I was rehearsing and told me I sounded just like myself.  I literally squealed with joy when she said it.  You can’t imagine how pleased I was. Now I can’t wait to hear what I have to say!”

Audiences have reacted enthusiastically to this part of Pether’s act.  At a recent performance, one man actually shouted “Bravo” and another wept when Pether spent five minutes imitating himself talking to himself about a dog they had in common. 

 “I have never seen anything like it,” said an admiring fiftyish woman who attended the performance.  “Simply stunning! Stunning.!”

SNAKE WITH TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE BODIES FOUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 22-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Madagascar.  French scientists have found the world’s first dual-body living creature when they discovered a snake made up of two entirely separate and independent bodies with different coloring, gender, and DNA chromosomes.

The snake, tentatively called corpora dualis snakus, was found by accident by a team of  zoologists from the Sorbonne attempting to catalog animals in a rapidly disappearing rain forest in Eastern Madagascar.

Professor Pierre Duguy, head of the expedition, said that his native guides saw the two snakes in separate trees about thirty feet above ground.  They climbed the trees and captured both. 

Close examination by veterinarians snakesconfirmed that though the two snakes differed in both color and gender, they are actually one snake with two separate and independent bodies. DNA analysis found that even the DNA was different despite the fact the snakes were one animal.

“Nothing like this has ever been found before,” said Professor Duguy.  “Imagine one animal with two bodies that are of different sexes, different colors, and quite different DNA.  This may well call for a re-examination of our notion of personhood.  After all, if one snake can somehow evolve into two entire separate ones, perhaps people can do the same.

“And so far we have found one snake with two bodies.  But what if this snake has even more bodies, maybe hundreds or even thousands?”

WORKER TOO BUSY FOR FAST FOOD

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Inventions, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 20-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

burger and friesNew York.  Philip Begley, a lawyer with a large Wall Street law firm, is now too busy  for fast food.

“I used to eat fast food all the time,” said Begley.   “I loved hamburgers and Nathan’s hot dogs, but I am so overwhelmed that I just don’t have the time to get fast food.

“You have no idea how long it takes to get a quarter pounder, even if the store is not busy.  Last month I tried one more time but it took me almost two minutes to get my order. I don’t have that time to waste.”

McDonald’s issued a statement noting that “This is a serious issue that we have been aware of for several years.  Our staff is working on it night and day.  One thing we are addressing is how to get our food out much faster.  In this modern world, people just don’t have the luxury of waiting to get their fast food.

“One possibility, still in the early development stage, is to deliver our food over the internet and eventually through cell phones.  This could allow us to fill orders instantly and in the place where our busy customers are working.  Imagine how much time our patrons will save when we get over the minor technical hurdles that currently prevent us from delivering our food products over the internet or cell phone. 

“In the not too distant future you will be able to have a tasty McDonald’s hamburger or shake delivered to your cell phone and at a click of an app, the picture of the food will be reconstituted into the real thing.  Hot and delicious, as if we had just prepared it for you at one of our fine restaurants. We may even include an American flag with the order to symbolize American ingenuity!”

NORTH DAKOTA MAN ON FBI’S “LEAST WANTED LIST” FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Fargo, N.D.  Delmar Foxspin of rural North Dakota has just been placed on the FBI’s “Ten Least Wanted List” for the seventeenth consecutive year.

“I cannot tell you what an honor this is,” said an embarrassed Foxspin.  “Frankly, I have never done anything at all my entire life and I was shocked to receive this incredible news. 

“I have no family, no friends, no job, no address, no money, no car; nothing.  Who would have thought that someone like me from North Dakota would be selected by the FBI!  I am overwhelmed and so grateful.”

When contacted for information about the award, FBI wantedFBI Special Agent Valerie Thomas said “we cannot comment on official activities but I can tell you that we had many, many candidates this year and the choice was especially difficult.  You have no idea how many people there are who no one cares about and have never done anything interesting.”

“Mr. Foxspin’s repeated placement on this list is remarkable since it is so hard to do absolutely nothing for an entire year.   I hope school children throughout the world will take him as a role model. With more people like him the world would be a far safer place.”

CHINESE AND JEWS CELEBRATE YEAR OF S(CH)MUCK

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  For the first time in recorded history, the Chinese and Jewish New Years overlap both in date and in nomenclature.  Jews all over the world will observe the Year of the cooking stick over fireSchmuck while Chinese everywhere will soon begin to celebrate the much-anticipated Year of Smuck.  In both Mandarin and Yiddish, the term schmuck (pronounced “smuck” in Mandarin) means jerk.  (The French call it “schmu,” omitting the last two letters.)

While the two will observe similar holidays, the symbols utilized by them will differ markedly.  Jews symbolize this year by pictures of Moses riding a camel heading in the wrong moses on cameldirection from Egypt.  The equivalent Chinese representation is of the legendary General Tso cooking  a stick over an open fire.

Despite these differences, the holiday will be festive and fun, especially for the children.  David Greenberg, a 7-year old from Kew Gardens, New York, said, “I can’t wait for the New Year.  I’ll finally be 8-years old and can smoke cigarettes like grandpa.”  When his mother Rose reminded him that the New Year is not the same as his birthday, young David responded, “Well, maybe I’ll get good presents at least.”

Liu Wah-Fong, a precious 5 year-old from Chinatown in New York, was equally happy.  “I can’t wait.  Mommy said we get to play like we are steaks which should be great fun.  His mother corrected her, “I said you get to play like you are snakes, not steaks.”  Liu began to cry and was not available to complete the interview.

MAN LOSES ONE MILLION SOCKS: NEW GUINNESS RECORD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions, Tragedies
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

socksDublin, Ireland.  Guinness has confirmed that Malcolm McGrady, a Dublin dentist, has established a new world’s record by losing a million single socks over his 68 year lifetime.

“I don’t know what happens to them,” said a thoughtful McGrady.  “Every time I do a wash a bunch of socks just disappear.  The same thing happened to me Mum when I was a wee thing.  Baby socks somehow got lost so much that Mum used to buy them by the gross.”

Professor DeWitt Canbury, the Nobel winning geneticist at Cambridge University, said the remarkable achievement may open up an entirely new area of genetic research.  “Never before have we seen  what appears to be a genetic trait that involves  extreme careless behavior.  I plan on presenting a speculative paper on this intriguing subject at the next international conference.”

The Global Sock Company’s President, Chow Fong, issued a statement congratulating McGrady on a “most important achievement.  As the world’s largest manufacturer of socks, we hope that we produced at least some of the socks that were lost.  This would be our small contribution to an accomplishment that may never be duplicated on earth.”

TOO BIG TO FAIL: CONGRESS GIVES STIMULUS MONEY TO NY YANKEES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Politics, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 28-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC. President Obama signed a new law giving the New York Yankees $3 billion in stimulus money to pay for quality free agents.

“I hated to do it considering the deficit,” said President Obama at a press conference held immediately after the signing in the Oval Office. “But we’re talking about the Yankees. NY YankeesFrankly, they are just too big to fail. No American would want the government to stand by and watch a baseball icon not win the World Series every single year. It would be worse than letting Chrysler or Ford or Citi Bank fail. Pretty soon the Japanese would field the dominant baseball team and literally thousands of American jobs would be sent overseas. “

“A bold move,” said Nobel Economist Helen Patel. “By one stroke of the pen President Obama has ensured continued American dominance in an arena many other countries would like to enter on an even playing field.”

“This is really cool,” said Sal Alterio of the Bronx. “The Yankees is the beast. Obama is the man. He plays basketball, you know. I don’t get the bank stuff but, hey, this is the Yankees.”

Robert Patterson of Boston was not as enthusiastic. “This sucks,” muttered Patterson, an unemployed cook and rabid Red Sox fan. “Why would Obama help the Yankees who don’t need help and ignore the Sox who could use a few more stars. Doesn’t seem fair to me.”

ARMY ISSUES SNUGGIES TO ALL SOLDIERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 20-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  The Department of the Army today announced that starting early next year it would issue camouflage Snuggies, the fleece blanket with sleeves, to all soldiers stationed anywhere in the world.

“The Army has been looking for the UCO (Universal Clothing Option) for years and finally found it a few months ago when one of our soldiers, Specialist Molly Drake, saw an ad on television and alerted her commanding officer who, in turn, contacted the Pentagon’s Office of Procurement,” said a statement issued by the Army’s Public Relations Bureau.

Fashion_Snuggie_Reyn4_t607“We have now ordered three million camouflage Snuggies and got a terrific deal:  two for the price of one plus shipping and handling!  The Snuggies will keep our fighting men and women warm while allowing their hands to be free for hand-to-hand combat.   The Snuggie is also big enough to allow the soldier to keep a weapon underneath the cloth, thereby hiding it from both the enemy and the elements.  Plus, the Snuggie is soft and will be good for morale as it will remind our brave soldiers of the teddy bear they snuggled with as infants. And they can even use it as a blanket or mattress when sleeping!”

“I love my Snuggie,” said Captain William Feld of the Special Forces.  “I can’t wait until the battle is over so I can cuddle up with my favorite book and my Snuggie.  Finally the Army got something right!”

STUDIES OF THE RICH: BEING RICH IS EXPENSIVE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 19-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Chicago.  A new study by the University of Chicago’s Affluence Project concluded that it is expensive to be really rich.

Economics Professor Vitaly Thomford reported on the Affluence Project’s ten-year study of the Very Rich, defined as having a net worth of over $25 million.  The Project was seeking unique patterns of behavior that distinguish the Very Rich from the Rich (defined as having a net worth between $3-25 million).

After an exhaustive review of 9000 Very Rich people, the study found that these people spent a lot of money.  “The rich-personshort version,” according to Professor Thomford, “is that it costs a lot of money to be very rich.  For example, one very wealthy man bought a car worth over $100,000, another bought a home for over $3 million, and one person in our study even did both of these.  Only rarely will you see the ordinary person spend money this way.”

The study created quite a buzz among economists worldwide.  Dr. Thomford’s name was even mentioned by several scholars as a possible Nobel Prize candidate.  “You don’t see insight like this every day,” said Professor Orito Nagamuchi of Tokyo University.

MAN MAKES ONLY SOUNDS THAT ARE IN THE DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Literature
Posted on 14-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA.  Ben Nelson, a bright 24 year-old English teacher, decided that from now on he would only utter sounds that comprise words in the Oxford Dictionary.

“I just want to sound erudite for my friends.  So I figured that I could dictionaryaccomplish this if I only made sounds that were words in the dictionary.  I never realized how much of a struggle the undertaking would be.  For example, I can’t laugh, grunt, or cry since none is in the dictionary at this time.

“The biggest problem was when I cut off the end of my finger with a sharp knife last weekend.  I couldn’t even yelp or express pain other than to say, ‘Goodness, I think I just cut off my finger and it hurts very much.’

“I still have many unanswered questions about what I am supposed to do.  Can I pant after a long jog?  How about clapping at a concert or passing wind?  A kiss that makes a smacking sound?”

Terence Bradford, Chief Editor of the Oxford Dictionary, was impressed with Nelson’s efforts and promised that the staff would try to add to the dictionary words that spell the kind of sounds that Nelson makes, but admitted that the group was especially frustrated by its inability to spell the sound made when a person passes wind. “We have listened to recordings of this sound but just can’t crack the word barrier. This is our ultimate challenge.”