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MAN TURNS INTO CHERUB FOR NO GOOD REASON

CARLETON, TENNESSEE.  Twenty-two year old Wayne Logan shocked his family and friends by turning into a cherub for absolutely no good reason. “I felt fine all along,” said a surprised Logan.  “I got up as usual, but when I looked in the mirror... Read More

MAN MAKES ONLY SOUNDS THAT ARE IN THE DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Literature
Posted on 14-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA.  Ben Nelson, a bright 24 year-old English teacher, decided that from now on he would only utter sounds that comprise words in the Oxford Dictionary.

“I just want to sound erudite for my friends.  So I figured that I could dictionaryaccomplish this if I only made sounds that were words in the dictionary.  I never realized how much of a struggle the undertaking would be.  For example, I can’t laugh, grunt, or cry since none is in the dictionary at this time.

“The biggest problem was when I cut off the end of my finger with a sharp knife last weekend.  I couldn’t even yelp or express pain other than to say, ‘Goodness, I think I just cut off my finger and it hurts very much.’

“I still have many unanswered questions about what I am supposed to do.  Can I pant after a long jog?  How about clapping at a concert or passing wind?  A kiss that makes a smacking sound?”

Terence Bradford, Chief Editor of the Oxford Dictionary, was impressed with Nelson’s efforts and promised that the staff would try to add to the dictionary words that spell the kind of sounds that Nelson makes, but admitted that the group was especially frustrated by its inability to spell the sound made when a person passes wind. “We have listened to recordings of this sound but just can’t crack the word barrier. This is our ultimate challenge.”

MAN GIVES UP VOWELS FOR LENT

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Literature, Religion
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

TOPEKA.  Lynn Flynn rejected the usual Lent regimen of fasting, prayer, and penitence, and took the unusual step of giving up the use of vowels.vowels

 “Wntd 2 B dffrnt ths yr,” said Flynn when asked why she made the decision to forgo the use of vowels for Lent, which runs forty days from Ash Wednesday until Easter.  “Lst yr ws fstng  bt ths yr nt spkng vwls wld prve tht Lnt mttrs mch 2 yrs trly,” wrote Flynn after she and this reporter unsuccessfully tried to communicate with spoken words. 

 Flynn indicated that her most significant problem was whether the letter “Y” is really a vowel or whether she could use it without violating her Lenton oath.  Since “Y” is the only letter in both her first name, “Lynn,”  and last name, “Flynn,” the issue was of some importance since she thought it would be convenient to be able to sign her name during the forty days of Lent.

 “I told her I thought it was viewed as a vowel, but I was not sure of the actual technical categorization of “Y.”  “Thnks,” said Flynn as we ended the interview.

NEW LETTER OF ALPHABET DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Inventions, Literature, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Scientists at the Cambridge University Planetarium announced today that they have discovered a new letter of the alphabet located between “R” and “S.”

“We were using our Newton Telescope, the most powerful in the world, and stumbled on the new letter between “R” and “S,” said Dr. Nigel Hawthorne of the Cambridge Observatory.

alphabet-letters “We weren’t even actually looking for it.  Our attention was on the possibility of a new planet, but were we shocked at our discovery!”

 “We have tentatively named the new letter ‘Thud’ which seemed to fit perfectly between “R” and “S.”   It resembles a circle with a dead snake in it and hair on top of the circle.  It is actually quite pretty,” claimed Hawthorne.

 “Plus, the letter ‘thud’ is consistent with the “A,B,C” song, which can still be sung with the new letter in it,” Dr. Hawthorne reported.

 As one would expect, the discovery has sent shock waves throughout the world.  The Wall Street Journal announced it would add the new letter in its alphabetical listing of stock prices and several dictionary companies have issued a recall of their products which are now obsolete.

 The producers of alphabet soup have already included the new letter.

President Bush praised the discovery as once again proving that “America is on the foremount of scientific quests.”  When reminded that the discovery was made by English rather than American scientists, the President apologized for the error and said that he had momentarily forgotten that England was no longer an American colony.

BUSH ADDS 27,000 WORDS TO DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Inventions, Literature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

BushWASHINGTON.  Using a long-forgotten presidential power, President Bush today added 27.000 new words to the Official United States Government Dictionary, a result likely to be followed by all other dictionary publishers.

 In reaction to criticism that some of President Bush’s words were not really words and were not in any dictionary, President Bush issued Executive Order 2007-52-19 that added over 27.000 new words to the official dictionary of the U.S. Government.

 “Now they can’t say I don’t speak words because now my speakage is really real words,” said President Bush at his weekly press conference.

 The new words include “nucular,” “decider,””speakage,”  and “canditity.”  Other additions and their official definitions are: “virginocity,””flubber” (“a person who makes a mistake”),”flubbee” (“a person who is made a mistake to”), “legalisticism” (“state of being legally correct”), “wino” (“a person who complains all the time”), “preecious” (“a person who can predict the future”), and “soldierofmassdestruction”(“an American fighting man and/or woman”).

 Dr. Wendell Pruitt of the Harvard English department applauded the President “for his singular contribution to the English language.”  “It is so refreshing to have a President who takes language seriously,” said Dr. Pruitt.

 The publishers of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary issued a press release praising the President and indicating that the 27,000 words would appear in the next edition of their dictionary.

CURIOUS GEORGE NO LONGER CURIOUS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Leisure, Literature, Tragedies
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK.  The author of the Curious George set of books for children has concluded that his character, Curious George, has become so attached to video games that he is no longer curious.

 H.A. Rey, the author of the hugely successful series of children’s booksCuriousGeorge involving an animal named Curious George, announced through a publicist, Ivina Dothard,  that Curious George has somehow lost his sense of awe and curiosity.  Rey attributed the unfortunate change to the animal-formerly-known-as-Curious-George’s addiction to video games. 

 Now, according to Dothard, Curious George is only interested in violence and has become so mean-spirited that he is no longer suitable for children’s books.  “He spaces out all the time and growls when children walk by,”  reported Dothard.  Rey and others are looking into the possibility of changing the audience of the series from children to mentally disturbed adults bent on violence.