NEW YORK. In a startling announcement, a really cute five-month old baby has formally announced she is a Democrat candidate for President of the United States in 2056 and has provided a platform likely to be quite attractive to many voters.
“I am sick and tired of these politicians,” said Charlotte Kennedy from her crib in a Manhattan apartment [see photo on right] where she was already practicing her acceptance speech. “Blah, blah, blah. That’s all they say,” she said. “We need courageous solutions, not just words.” She then slobbered a slight amount and announced her bold Ten Points for America.”
- I will be for the American people who are all Outstanding Americans, even those who don’t really look like it.
- I think America is the best country in the world and Americans are the smartest, most creative, and mightiest people on earth and all other countries suck.
- I will not waste money, decrease expenditures, or increase taxes. Government assistance for child care or milk subsidies is not wasting money.
- I will work with members of all parties in order to get diaper changing tables in men’s bathrooms all over this great country.
- I will enact tax reform to simplify the tax code without compromising important provisions and will increase the tax exemption for adorable children.
- I will solve the immigration problem without providing amnesty or letting in people who should not be let in.
- I will encourage SAFE gun practices including limiting childrens’ access to machine guns, bazookas, and small atomic weapons.
- I will protect the air and water while providing an environment allowing businesses to flourish without job-killing government regulations. My first act as President will be to issue a regulation stating that putting a slide in a park is not harmful to the environment.
- I will have a strong role in international events without committing American money or troops anywhere.
- I will not steal anything from the White House.
Randolph Macon, head of the local Democratic Party, called Ms. Kennedy “a breath of fresh air. Just what the people need.” Macon’s sentiment was echoed by street interviews. A few signs have even appeared, declaring “Kennedys Make Great Presidents” and “It’s Time for Another Kennedy.”