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THREE MORE VIRGINS FOUND IN SAN FRANCISCO: TOTAL NOW ELEVEN

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ADORABLE GIRL ANNOUNCES FOR PRESIDENTIAL RUN IN 2056

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Election 2056, History, Politics
Posted on 22-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

unnamed[3]NEW YORK.  In a startling announcement, a really cute five-month old baby has formally announced she is a Democrat candidate for President of the United States in 2056 and has provided a platform likely to be quite attractive to many voters.

“I am sick and tired of these politicians,” said Charlotte Kennedy from her crib in a Manhattan apartment [see photo on right] where she was already practicing her acceptance speech.  “Blah, blah, blah.  That’s all they say,” she said.  “We need courageous solutions, not just words.”  She then slobbered a slight amount and announced her bold Ten Points for America.”

  1. I will be for the American people who are all Outstanding Americans, even those who don’t really look like it.
  2. I think America is the best country in the world and Americans are the smartest, most creative, and mightiest people on earth and all other countries suck.
  3. I will not waste money, decrease expenditures, or increase taxes.  Government assistance for child care or milk subsidies is not wasting money.
  4. I will work with members of all parties in order to get diaper changing tables in men’s bathrooms all over this great country.
  5. I will enact tax reform to simplify the tax code without compromising important provisions and will increase the tax exemption for adorable children.
  6. I will solve the immigration problem without providing amnesty or letting in people who should not be let in.
  7. I will encourage SAFE gun practices including limiting childrens’ access to machine guns, bazookas, and small atomic weapons.
  8. I will protect the air and water while providing an environment allowing businesses to flourish without job-killing government regulations.  My first act as President will be to issue a regulation stating that putting a slide in a park is not harmful to the environment.
  9. I will have a strong role in international events without committing American money or troops anywhere.
  10. I will not steal anything from the White House.

Randolph Macon, head of the local Democratic Party, called Ms. Kennedy “a breath of fresh air.  Just what the people need.”  Macon’s sentiment was echoed by street interviews.  A few signs have even appeared, declaring “Kennedys Make Great Presidents” and “It’s Time for Another Kennedy.”

MISSISSIPPI ADDS RIGHT SHOE AS OFFICIAL STATE SHOE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

259196_stock-photo-old-bootJackson, Mississippi.  As part of a larger plan to attract businesses and tourists to Mississippi, Governor Buddy Ray Baldwin announced that the legislature had just selected the right shoe as the Official Shoe of Mississippi.

“For several years now our progressive legislature has been enacting laws designed to make Mississippi even more appealing to businesses and tourists from all over the world,” said Governor Baldwin.  “When someone pointed out we have an official Tree and an Official Bird but do not have an Official Shoe, the legislature sprong (sic) into action.   A subcommittee was formed in each house, over 600 extensive hearings were conducted both in Jackson and around the State, and it became clear that the citizens of this Great State wanted the right shoe as their Official Shoe. This became even more compelling when the Senate Committee discovered that Mississippi would be the first state in the Union to have an Official State Shoe. ”

“The right shoe was selected, “continued the Governor, “because it shows clearly that this Great State is right-leaning and God-fearing;  not one of the Communist left-leaning States like California and New York.  I understand they are both considering making marijuana their state plant.  In contrast, our decision shows plainly that Mississippians are working folk because every worker in the State wears a right shoe;  it is required by safety laws.”

Yoguna Tagasaki, head of site selection for Toyota, issued a public statement about the news.  “Before Mississippi adopted the right shoe as its Official Shoe, frankly Toyota had eliminated it for consideration for our next mega-factory in the U.S.  But now the ball game has changed.  In our assessment, Mississippi has become a leader in the competition for the factory.  We seek a progressive environment and what could be more creative and progressive than the adoption of an Official Shoe.”

In response to Mississippi’s bold and seemingly successful action, at least twenty other states are now exploring adopting their own Official Shoe as part of the cutthroat business of attracting jobs.  Delaware is even considering the adoption of its Official Shoe, Glove, Sock, Baseball Bat, Word, Pretzel. Ice Cream, Color, Lego Piece, Cosmetic Surgery, and Garden Tool.

 

 

FRENCH ADOPT CARRY LAW FOR GUILLOTINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, History, Human Body, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

PARIS.  In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.sotn mini guillotine

The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine.  French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.

“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter.  “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like.  Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them.  We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say.  I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”

Not all French agree with Dumont.  Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever.  “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists.  We would be powerless to do anything!”

In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines.  The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size.  It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide.  It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings.  It can also be used to cut tomatoes.

COURT REQUIRES INTERPRETER FOR ILLITERATE’S EYE TEST

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Language, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

San Rafael, CA. In a precedent-setting decision, a California judge ordered the California Department of Motor Vehicles to provide, free of charge, an interpreter to assist illiterate people taking the driver’s license eye test.
eye chartHolding that the Equal Protection Clause protects “the literate as well as the unliterate.” Judge Phoebe Winebauer held that impoverished illiterate people taking the eye exam required for a driver’s license in California must be given the services of a qualified interpreter. “How can even the person with perfect vision be expected to pass the eye test which uses letters and numbers if the person cannot read?” asked Judge Winebauer. “I refuse to allow such discrimination. We are equal or we are not equal but the law will not tolerate us being both unless we are one or the other,” she opined in a carefully nuanced 400 page opinion.

Governor Jerry Brown applauded the decision and immediately ordered the State to hire 250 interpreters to be assigned to every DMV location where eye examinations are offered.

At the San Rafael DMV office, Hector Alvarez, age 96,  who is both illiterate and has been blind since birth proudly stepped up to the eye examination machine and took his first eye test. Standing next to him was Rebecca Morris, a 21 year-old high school dropout with perfect vision who was recently hired to assist “literacy-challenged” people like Mr. Alvarez.

Mr. Alvarez peered into the machine, then moved back as Ms. Morris looked inside. “Line 12 is R, B, P. 6. D. 9” she whispered to Alvarez. Grinning, he repeated “line 12, R, B, P …” and was interrupted by the DMV agent administering the test. “Good job, Mr. Alvarez,” said the agent. “You passed. I don’t need to proceed further.”

“Only in America is this possible,” said a beaming Mr. Alvarez. “I could not even have dreamed I could get a driver’s license, but now I have one. I can’t wait to take my great grandchildren on a long drive!

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE STUMPED OVER SCORING NEW “MEAN” SPORT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Geography, Politics, Sports
Posted on 28-08-2012 | E-mail this to a friend

ATHENS. The Scoring Committee of the International Olympics Committee has reached an impasse over how to score the new Olympic sport of “being mean” to be first offered at the 2016 Summer Games.

Four years ago the International Committee approved “being mean” as a sport in a commendable effort to fully recognize the important contributions made by “every segment of humanity.”  Primarily advocated by warlords from Afghanistan and Somalia and two former military officers from the Balkans who are sought by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity, the competitors will have to exhibit “inappropriate cruelty” toward various categories of vulnerable people, such as the elderly or orphans.

In order to provide specific guidance to the international cast of judges for this competition, the Scoring Committee has been considering various combinations of objective skills such as the creative use of force, elegant harsh words, offensive tone of voice, and mean-but-not-too-mean facial expressions.

The new sport has triggered a host of issues surrounding who is eligible to participate in the 2016 Summer Games. Warlords from 16 areas of Afghanistan and 37 parts of Africa have already filed the necessary petitions to be recognized as Sovereign Areas which can send four-man teams to compete. Two biker gangs and four German skinhead groups have also submitted applications.

Hector Lopez, speaking for the Olympics Committee, released a statement that “we fully expect to sort through the petitions in plenty of time for the athletes to prepare for this exciting new competition.”

PERRY LIMITED IN MATH SKILLS SAYS SECOND GRADE TEACHER

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Election 2012, Geography, Politics
Posted on 10-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Paint Creek, TX.   Rick Perry’s second grade teacher, Matilda Gonzalez, explained Governor Rick Perry’s inability in a Republican debate to remember the third of three federal departments he would close .  She recalled that he never learned to count to more than two.

“He was a bit, well, not the sharpest spur on the boots,” said Gonzalez who taught Perry when he was a seven year-old child in the small West Texas town of Paint Creek. “All the other kids in the second grade could count to 100 but poor Ricky was stuck on two.  He just couldn’t get in his mind that there were numbers above two.”

“We worried about him, of course, but were confident he would not have to use his rather poor math skills doing day labor in Paint Creek.  We were shocked when he became a politician.  But then we realized that where could you get a good job other than politics if you couldn’t count above two.”

GINGRICH THROWN OUT OF REPUBLICAN PARTY FOR REMARKS ABOUT OBAMA KIDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Election 2012, Politics
Posted on 17-10-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON.  The Republican Party officially kicked out Newt Gingrich for saying possibly nice things about President Obama’s  kids.

The issue arose during a campaign dinner appearance by former House Speaker Newt Gingrich in Iowa at the Ames Republican Club.  In the question-and-answer period after his well-received speech where he gave a vicious critique of every aspect of the Obama presidency, Gingrich was asked about his views of the Obama family.  “I guess the kids are OK,” answered Gingrich.

Persons present said the room went silent. Philippa Anderson who was there said,  “You could hear a pin drop.  Then the boos started, low key at first, then overwhelming.”  Gingrich looked startled and left the podium when the outraged crowd began to throw food, glasses, and small waiters.

Late that night after a rushed telephone conference call the Republican National Committee formally ousted Gingrich and issued a public apology.  “Newt violated the First Principle of Republicanism:  Never, ever say anything nice about Hussein Obama or anything he has anything to do with.”

Gingrich issued his own statement apologizing for the “slip up.”  “In the heat of a campaign sometimes a candidate will unintentionally say something flat out wrong.  What I meant to say was that I am sure the kids are at risk of serious mental harm by their constant exposure to socialism and anti-American thought that permeates the Obama White House. At the least, the child welfare authorities should launch an intensive investigation that will likely lead to having the kids removed from the Obama influence and placed in a real American home.”

 

JESUS, MOHAMMED, AND YAHWEH APPOINTED TO BRITISH HOUSE OF LORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Geography, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 17-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

London.   The English House of Lords increased its membership by three by adding Jesus, Mohammed, and Yahweh as members.

 “It just seemed the right thing to do,” said Robert Pickwick, spokesperson for the House of Lords Appointments Committee.  “After all, we have about 740 members including 26 bishops.  How could we not include Lord Jesus, Lord Mohammed, and Lord Yahweh?”

Lords in House of Lords Their appointments, like all life peers, are for their entire life.  “Frankly, we have not faced the issue of what to do if one of them dies, but I guess we will if it ever happens,” said Pickwick.

The announcement set off a flurry of comments, some quite hostile.  The Agnostics Society said the appointment violated their right to be free from government adoption of religion, a claim that most would reject as inconsistent with the House of Lord’s historical representation of Bishops of the Church of England.

 Both members of the Ooltewah faith, a small nature-worshipping religion based in a cigar store in Liverpool, immediately began circulating a petition to have their god-figure, called Oolte, selected as a life peer in the next round of appointments.  Oolte, regarded as having the body of a very large gerbil, the feet of a millipede, and the head of Lyle Lovett, the American entertainer,  was first seen in a dream by Skye Oolte (formerly William Smithe) who was in a drunken stupor after attending  a Lyle Lovett concert.

 Mr. Pickwick, of the Appointments Committee, denied comment but said that he would look at any petitions he received for new positions in the House of Lords.

WORLD IN CHAOS BECAUSE OF CONFUSION OVER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME JINGLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Language, Politics
Posted on 14-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Mary Lynn Peterson had no idea how much chaos she would create when she launched the “new and improved” daylight savings reminder to “spring back then fall forward.”

For many years, people across the globe have remembered what to clockdo twice a year when Daylight Savings Time kicks in.  Each spring they would refer to the age-old saying to “spring forward” and in the fall to “fall back.”

May Lynn Peterson, a fourth grade teacher in Arlington, Virginia, had long been uncomfortable with this common rubric. “I always thought it was dumb to say “spring forward” when you are actually simply resetting your clock.  “Spring back” made more sense since it was a message to turn your clocks back to the time it was before Daylight Savings Time caused you to move them ahead an hour.”

“Similarly,” she continued, “’fall back’ made no sense since you were actually subtracting an hour, thus gaining an hour when you set your clocks back an hour to the time it was before you reset them last year.  Thus, “fall forward” is better since you get an extra hour to live each fall.”

Word of this improved model quickly spread by internet throughout the world.  People in every country began to advocate for one or the other jingle.  Legislators in Sri Lanka adopted Peterson’s new approach, while those in India voted to stick with the tried-and-true model.  Advocates of both models clashed in Moscow, Beijing, and New York, causing at least twenty deaths so far.

President Obama has called for restraint and understanding, and has formally asked Congress to adopt the new Peterson approach to clarify the difficulties surrounding the time switch twice each year.

The Tea Party blamed the violence on Obama and big government’s interference in the international time conventions.  “Government should stay out of people’s bedrooms and off their wrists,” said Tea Party Spokesperson Carole Thompson of Marietta, Georgia. “Let the market decide the time system.  Whether it is noon or five o’clock should be decided by market forces, not the stupidity of big government.  If a state wants to change the system entirely, it should be permitted to do so.  The Constitution does not mention time-setting and my God-given rights are violated every time the government gets involved in my life.”

BACHMANN WANTS TEA PARTY TO ADOPT HEADLESS HORSEMAN AS ITS OFFICIAL MASCOT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Election 2012, History, Inventions, Politics, Religion
Posted on 27-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington.  In a speech to Tea Party loyalists, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann called on the Tea Party to adopt the Headless Horseman as its official mascot.

“”I suggest that the Tea Party adopt the Headless Horseman as its symbol and mascot,” said a beaming Bachmann addressing a small crowd of cheering Tea Party activists in Washington to protest both a government-gone-wild with excess spending and the possible cut in Social Security and Medicare benefits to elderly Americans.

Bachmann enthusiastically yelled, “What could be more appropriate than this Revolutionary War symbol that celebrates George Washington’s God-inspired walk across the top of the waters of the Potomac when he uttered the words that Americans will never forget, ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

When asked for a comment, MSNBC host Chris Matthews screeched, “She’s an idiot!  She knows nothing about American history.  The Headless Horseman is in a work of fiction by Washington Irving.  And George Washington said, ‘I cannot tell a lie,’ not ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

Bachmann’s response to Matthews HeadlessHorsemanwas pithy and biting, “He’s an idiot who knows nothing about American history.”

Matthews’ response to Bachmann’s response was short and sweet.  “She’s an idiot.”

President Obama, choosing to walk the middle ground in this now spirited public dispute, was quoted as saying, “I can understand both of their views but it is now the time to move ahead and drastically cut federal spending without removing any benefits from anyone.  I know we can do it.  Remember, we are Americans. We invented the internet and everything else.”

TOO BIG TO FAIL: CONGRESS GIVES STIMULUS MONEY TO NY YANKEES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Politics, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 28-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC. President Obama signed a new law giving the New York Yankees $3 billion in stimulus money to pay for quality free agents.

“I hated to do it considering the deficit,” said President Obama at a press conference held immediately after the signing in the Oval Office. “But we’re talking about the Yankees. NY YankeesFrankly, they are just too big to fail. No American would want the government to stand by and watch a baseball icon not win the World Series every single year. It would be worse than letting Chrysler or Ford or Citi Bank fail. Pretty soon the Japanese would field the dominant baseball team and literally thousands of American jobs would be sent overseas. “

“A bold move,” said Nobel Economist Helen Patel. “By one stroke of the pen President Obama has ensured continued American dominance in an arena many other countries would like to enter on an even playing field.”

“This is really cool,” said Sal Alterio of the Bronx. “The Yankees is the beast. Obama is the man. He plays basketball, you know. I don’t get the bank stuff but, hey, this is the Yankees.”

Robert Patterson of Boston was not as enthusiastic. “This sucks,” muttered Patterson, an unemployed cook and rabid Red Sox fan. “Why would Obama help the Yankees who don’t need help and ignore the Sox who could use a few more stars. Doesn’t seem fair to me.”

WALL STREET DEREGULATES CONGRESS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Politics
Posted on 21-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

wall street street signNew York.  At a secret meeting of the leaders of virtually every Wall Street investment and legal firm, it was unanimously decided that Congress should be deregulated so that “market forces can be freed to release the financial colossus of the American economy.”

“We have gone too long with a Congress that is hamstringing the American economy with rules and regulations that seriously impede Wall Street’s ability to do what it does best:  allow the American economy and the American worker to thrive.” said a person who attended the session but agreed to be quoted only on the condition of anonymity. 

The source continued, “From now on, all these stupid, short-sighted government policies dealing with health, safety, the stock market and banks as well as those limiting the income and benefits of Members of Congress will be repealed and replaced by the market forces, which is the greatest protection Americans could ever have.”

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R. Ohio) immediately endorsed capitol-hill-buildingthe concept of deregulating Congress.  “It is about time that we extend the free market economy to Congress where it has been sorely lacking.  Getting rid of useless laws and regulations and freeing members of Congress to take full advantage of the economic benefits of serving the people should produce a far more productive lawmaking body.”

REPUBLICANS VOW TO REPEAL ALL FEDERAL TAXES; GOVERNMENT—NOT THE PEOPLE—TO PAY FOR GOVERNMENT EXPENDITURES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 15-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Uncle Sam pocketsWashington.  The head of the Republican Party revealed its plan, the Blueprint for an Efficient America, that will repeal 100% of all federal taxes and, instead, have the government itself pay for its own expenditures.

“We think this will make life easier for all Americans of this great country and will force the government to be more efficient since it will now be spending its own money rather than that of the American taxpayer, who has paid to support this spendthrift government for over a thousand years,” said Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  “Now the baby will have to provide for itself.  It’s about time!”

“Finally something sensible out of Washington,” said Robert Billy Foster, Chair of Tea Party United, an umbrella group for the tea party movement.  “From now on if the government wants to spend any money it will have to either print new money, borrow, or go to an ATM machine. Americans will be able to earn and spend their own money without having to prop up a wasteful ungodly government. Tea party members will now move to having the states adopt the same approach.  Imagine, no sales tax, no property tax, no income tax!”

Dr. William Yu, Harvard’s Nobel Prize winning economist, was speechless when he heard about the Republican plan, uttering only a succinct, “Huh?”   This sentiment was echoed by Alan Greenspan, the former head of the Federal Reserve who said, “Would you say that again?”

BIRTH CERTIFICATE PROVES O’BAMA IS IRISH

Posted by Tracy West | Posted in Election 2008, History, Politics
Posted on 13-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Dublin, Ireland.  After years of speculation about the birth of President O’Bama, an anonymous source produced the official birth certificate of the President and established conclusively that he was born in Cork, Ireland, and was named Barney O’Bama at 7:24 P.M. on August 4, 1961.

“I knew there was something Irish about him,” said Conor O’Neill,barack_obama_caricature_irish_ireland President of the Republic of Ireland.  “You could tell it in his face, maybe the twinkle in his wee eye.  He actually looks very Irish. Everyone is so proud to have one of us now the President of the United States. Actually, this should not have surprised anyone;  in Gaelic the word “O’Bama” means  “big ears.”

Senator John McCain, defeated  by O’Bama in 2008, issued a formal statement that he had always suspected “O’Bama was not a real American.  Now we know he was not pretending not to be a Muslim; he was actually pretending not to be Irish.  My staff is now investigating whether O’Bama is even eligible to serve as President because of his Irish birth.

 “Since I was the runner-up in the election, I assume I’ll automatically be sworn in as President should the Irishman be ineligible to serve.”  When reminded that the Constitution specifically provided for a line of succession if the President becomes incapable of holding the office, Senator McCain said, “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

REPUBLICANS OPPOSE DEMOS PROPOSAL TO DECLARE HEALTH AN “IMPORTANT ISSUE”

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in History, Politics
Posted on 26-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  Republican members of Congress vehemently opposed efforts by Democrats to have both houses vote on the proposition that “health is an important issue to many Americans.”

 “Once again our freedoms are being threatened by this unnecessary, divisive, and potentially budget-busting proposal by the tax-and-spend crowd of Democrats,” declared  the House Republican leader, John Boehner of Ohio. “By framing health as an important issue, the Democrats are once again ignoring the American people who see many important issues, not just health.  Why don’t the Democrats discuss issuesUS_capitol_building like Jay Leno v. Conan O’Brien, whether Shamu the killer whale should be euthanized, or why aren’t we killing more people in Afghanistan?”

 “I can only imagine where this sneaky vote would lead us,” opined Republican Representative Eric Cantor, the Republican whip. “First health care is an ‘important issue,’ then it will be a ‘very important issue.’  Pretty soon the government will take over every aspect of our life by having other areas officially deemed an ‘important issue.’  This creeping socialism has got to stop.  And now is the time to do it.”

 House speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a statement:  “Once again the Republicans are the party of ‘No’ as they oppose this modest contribution to public debate.  By formally declaring health an ‘important issue,’Congress would go a long way toward solving the health crisis that infects this country.  The Congressional Budget Office has found that this little change would cost no more than $3 billion over 15 years, a piddling amount considering the entire federal budget.”

CHENEY OPENS CONSULTING FIRM FOR WARLORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Politics
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC–Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, announced the formation of an international consulting firm to assist warlords throughout the world.

“Warlords are a forgotten entity,” said a somber Cheney.  “My partners and I were looking for a niche and we discovered that no one was providing warlords with technical and strategic advice, yet that segment of government is desperately in need of training in the most modern approaches.  We expect to be up and running in a few months.

dickcheney1“A number of warlords have already contacted us and we are negotiating to provide them with our services.  Several have already signed to be our clients.

“We have hired some of the best former CIA and KGB interrogators, computer experts, and armament procurers from all over the globe.  Our public relations department will be second to none.  It has already come up with a nice jingle that will be used by a particular warlord in a country I am not at liberty to name. 

“Since our new company will hire many people, we have applied for government stimulus money.  We are also exploring the possibility of purchasing nuclear weapons expertise and materials since some of our potential clients are interested in this aspect of defending their legitimate interests.

“If this business works as well as we think, we are already exploring the possibility of expanding it to other ignored professions such as drug lords, petty dictators, religious zealots, and professional assassins.”

The Wall Street Journal published an editorial praising the new company as “an illustration of the market economy’s wonderful ability to adjust to new situations and improve efficiency in every aspect of life.”

THREE-YEAR-OLD’S TEA PARTY ATTRACTS 3700 GUN-TOTING CRASHERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in History, Politics
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

DECATUR, MI.   Three-year-old Molly Thigpen was surprised when over 3700 people came to her birthday tea party carrying various weapons and many signs.  tea party

 “I thought it was great,” she said, “that so many people put on pretend clothes and came to my party. I really loved the signs, too.  I couldn’t read them but there were lots of flags and crosses and stuff.”

 Constance Thigpen, Molly’s mother, had put up a sign on a light pole at the corner with the words “Tea Party” in red letters to help the girls attending the birthday party find the house.  “I guess some of the tea partiers thought it was a political rally,” she said.  “But it was really just a tea party for my daughter and her friends.” 

 “The crowd was a bit rowdy, but they liked the clown we hired who had an Obama mask and did magic tricks.  I was concerned at first, especially with the guy carrying the bazooka and the lady with the machine gun, but they seemed calm, not drunk or anything and had a good time, though I ran out of cupcakes. “

 “I was shocked when Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh, and Newt Gingrich showed up and all wanted to ‘say a few words’” Ms. Thigpen said.  “Palin asked where the $100,000 speaking fee was, but I had no idea what she was talking about.  One of her assistants must have said something to her because Palin left in a rush just before Romney grabbed the microphone.

“Molly was disappointed so few of them brought presents, but still this was a birthday party our family will never forget!

SIXTEEN KILLED IN MYANMAR PRO-PEACE DEMONSTRATION

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

YANGON, MYANMAR.  Sixteen people were killed yesterday in violent clashes between warring pro peace groups in Myanmar.    iran-riots-3

 In reaction to deadly riots stemming from the suspicious death of Thet Win Aung in a state prison, two peace-focused groups held public demonstrations in Yangon protesting violence in every form. The Myanmar True Peace Association first announced the silent peace rally to begin at 1:00 P.M.  Shortly after the True Peace Association’s proclamation, The Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation held a press conference to say that it, as the “really authentic representative of the Myanmar people’s quest for peace,”  also would hold a silent peaceful demonstration at the same hour in the same location as that selected by the True Peace Association.

 The two pro-peace groups have a long history of disagreement.  The Myanmar True Peace Association, formerly known as the Myanmar Peace Association, was begun in 1996 in an effort to prove a role model for other groups in Myanmar. 

 The Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation, originally known as the Myanmar Peace Federation then renamed the Myanmar Authentic Peace Federation to even more clearly distinguish it from the Myanmar True Peace Association, was founded in 1997 by a splinter group of the then Myanmar Peace Association.

 The two groups differ markedly in their approach.  The Myanmar True Peace Association believes that peace can only be achieved by silent demonstrations where the participants communicate with one another using sign language.  The rival Authentic Peace Federation also believes in silent public demonstrations but rejects the use of sign language and claims that hand-written signs are the only true way to communicate during demonstrations.

 At the deadly demonstration-turned-riot yesterday, young men wearing the white “wife beater” shirts of the True Peace Association forced their way into the swarms of Authentic Peace Federation members wearing their trademark blue baseball caps and tore up scores of hand-written signs proclaiming the need for peace in Myanmar.  Anticipating this bold challenge, members of the Authentic Peace Federation began using the Peace Association’s own sign language to convey obscene messages to their True Peace rivals.

 True Peace Association advocates then produced their own signs written in the manner of the Authentic Peace Foundation and declaring that the Authentic Peace Federation was really made up of violent thugs who abhorred peace. 

 The insulting signs produced a reaction that was both swift and violent.  Both sides began fighting first with wood sticks used to hold signs, then escalated the melee to one where fists, knives, and pistols were used. One group of Authentic Peace Federation members rolled out a colonial-era howitzer and tried to fire it at the True Peace Association leaders but were unable to do so when it was discovered that no one knew how to operate the ancient weapon.

 When the air cleared, sixteen people were killed, evenly divided between the two groups. Brig. General Kyaw Hsan, Chairman of the Information Committee of the State Peace and Development Council, condemned the violence and stated that the Tatmadaw Government would do all in its power to eliminate the threat to peace of the two groups.

GORE WINS PULITZ SURPRISE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, History, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

AL GOREWASHINGTONB.  Former Vice President Al Gore added the Pulitz Surprise to his long list of significant honors.

 The Pulitz Surprise, usually–though not always–awarded to the person who receives the most popular votes for President of the United States but is not elected to that position, was given today to former Vice President Al Gore for his achievements in the 2000 presidential election by both winning and losing at the same time.

 Established by the family of George Pulitz, who invented gravity, the award could be given as frequently as every four years.  The recipient must have “accomplished something unique in the annals of civililation, such as winning and losing the United States Presidency in the same year. ”  Carrying a cash prize of $4 million, it is one of most financially rewarding honors in the world. 

 Speaking at a global conference in Thailand, Mr. Gore was very pleased at the selection.  “I am humbled by being chosen for the Pulitz Surprise,” Mr. Gore said in a press conference.  “This is the honor I really wanted, even more than the presidency or the Nobel Prize for Peace.  I want to thank the Pulitz family and their selection committee.  I assure them that I will strive to be worthy of their trust.”

Previous recipients include Senator John Kerry was was both for and against the war in Iraq, President George Bush who is credited with reinventing the English language, and radio host Rush Limbaugh for his work advocating that the homeless be sold cigars at discount prices on cold nights.

ENTIRE MEXICAN STATE OF CHIHUAHUA FOUND WORKING IN PHOENIX

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

mexican workersPHOENIX.  A spokesperson for the U.S. Immigration Service reported that the entire Mexican state of Chihuahua was found working for the Green-As-You-Like-It  Landscaping Company in Phoenix.

 Mexican officials confirmed that inspectors were unable to locate anyone in Chihuahua, the largest state in Mexico and officially home to almost three million residents. 

 “An anonymous caller reported that there was something odd in Ciudad Juarez, the largest city in the State of Chihuahua, ” said Pedro Ramirez, an investigator for the Mexican government.  “We sent investigators there who discovered that the town was completely empty, the houses, everything.  We thought it was some kind of drug thing.  But we checked further and found that all the people in the entire state just up and left.”

 “Last Monday all three million of them walked across the American border totally undisturbed.  Apparently they told the U.S. border guards that they were Chinese investors considering opening a new factory in America.”

 “I could not believe my eyes,” said Robert Martinez, a field officer for the Immigration Service who found the missing Chihuahuans in Phoeniz.  “You just don’t expect to find that many people working for one company.  And don’t forget, we’re talking men, women, children, older folks, everyone.”

 A reporter for the Phoeniz Gazette, Philip Green, interviewed one of the Chihuahuans, who agreed to speak on the condition that his/her gender not be identified.  Rosa Suarez, a 47-year-old bank teller who had lived in Chihuahua all her life, said that she and her family decided to leave Chihuahua because there were so many more opportunities in the U.S. “We discussed it with our family and friends and pretty soon everyone wanted to go with us.  We said, why not?  There are Taco Bells everywhere so it will be just like home.”

 “So we packed up everything and walked across the border.  It was easy.  We told the border guards we were Chinese investors.  They believed us when they saw we had black hair and did not speak English.”

 Consuelo Gomez, owner of the Green-As-You-Like-It company,  declined to comment, but her lawyer, Escobedo Fuentes, spoke to reporters at his office.  “My client has done nothing wrong,” he said.  “She runs a first rate, law-abiding business.  She has no idea where these people came from.  A few people extra people showed up for work last Tuesday and she hired them.  Big deal.”

 When word spread of the way the Chihuahuans crossed the border, governors of three states began intensive efforts to have the Chinese plant located in their state.