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OLYMPIC COMMITTEE STUMPED OVER SCORING NEW “MEAN” SPORT

ATHENS. The Scoring Committee of the International Olympics Committee has reached an impasse over how to score the new Olympic sport of “being mean” to be first offered at the 2016 Summer Games. Four years ago the International Committee approved... Read More

OWL GIVES BIRTH TO OWL-BOY; FATHER UNKNOWN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 02-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

TOLEDO.  In the middle of the night  Ralph the Owl gave birth to a half owl, half human baby to the amazement of staff at the Toledo zoo.

“Apparently Ralph should have been named Susan,” said an embarrassed zoo veterinarian who refused to identify himself.  “We blew it, I guess.  We have had Ralph—I mean Susan—for twelve years and thought he was a he.  I hate to say that no one actually looked.”

When asked about the half owl, half human baby, the same veterinarian said that this was not shocking. “Animals and humans have combined for years.  Have you ever heard of Tarzan?  Yogi Berra? This is the first example of a half owl, half person but we have long known it was theoretically possible,” said the anonymous vet.

“We do not know who the father is but we are checking closely to see who had access to Ralph.  If we find the scoundrel, some kind of child support lawsuit may be instituted.”

“We are going to have a national contest to name the tyke,” announced Felipe Bossert, publicist for the zoo.   “In the meantime, we are taking excellent care of the baby.  He has already begun to say a baby version of ‘ooooo.  And he really seems to like spiders and worms.”

PEANUT EVOLVED FROM DUCK; NOT OTHER WAY AROUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, History, Nature
Posted on 14-11-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Cambridge, England.  In a modern version of the chicken-egg controversy, geneticists at Cambridge University have solved the ancient question of whether a peanut evolved from a duck or whether a duck evolved from a peanut or a rock.

Using the latest DNA techniques, Cambridge scientists have concluded their ten-year project examining the DNA of peanuts, rocks, and ducks.   Sir Henry Flatstone, speaking for the Cambridge Genetics Project, announced that the working group has “conclusively established that peanuts evolved from ducks despite previous scientific conjecture that ducks came from peanuts.  We also investigated the theory, started by Euclid and held by a handful of geneticists, that ducks evolved from rocks.”

“Once we gave it a go after a few years of lassitude, we were able to extract a full set of DNA from a peanut, a rock and a duck,” said Flatstone. “Our computers then compared them at sixteen million separate points and found, though there were remarkable similarities, that ducks came first.  Peanuts began to develop when a dwarf molecule at the 17th chromosome of a mallard duck somehow changed into what is likely a tiny peanut that resembled a very small Pee Wee Herman but evolved over the next two million years into the peanut we know today.  Rocks, it turned out, are not related to any known animal, including ducks, and so are a separate species.”

The scientific community, not surprisingly, was buzzing about the discovery and more than one geneticist predicted that Flatstone could be on his way to a Nobel Prize in something or other.

JESUS, MOHAMMED, AND YAHWEH APPOINTED TO BRITISH HOUSE OF LORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Geography, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 17-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

London.   The English House of Lords increased its membership by three by adding Jesus, Mohammed, and Yahweh as members.

 “It just seemed the right thing to do,” said Robert Pickwick, spokesperson for the House of Lords Appointments Committee.  “After all, we have about 740 members including 26 bishops.  How could we not include Lord Jesus, Lord Mohammed, and Lord Yahweh?”

Lords in House of Lords Their appointments, like all life peers, are for their entire life.  “Frankly, we have not faced the issue of what to do if one of them dies, but I guess we will if it ever happens,” said Pickwick.

The announcement set off a flurry of comments, some quite hostile.  The Agnostics Society said the appointment violated their right to be free from government adoption of religion, a claim that most would reject as inconsistent with the House of Lord’s historical representation of Bishops of the Church of England.

 Both members of the Ooltewah faith, a small nature-worshipping religion based in a cigar store in Liverpool, immediately began circulating a petition to have their god-figure, called Oolte, selected as a life peer in the next round of appointments.  Oolte, regarded as having the body of a very large gerbil, the feet of a millipede, and the head of Lyle Lovett, the American entertainer,  was first seen in a dream by Skye Oolte (formerly William Smithe) who was in a drunken stupor after attending  a Lyle Lovett concert.

 Mr. Pickwick, of the Appointments Committee, denied comment but said that he would look at any petitions he received for new positions in the House of Lords.

DOG ACTUALLY BARKS “WOOF”

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Language, Nature
Posted on 21-02-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Tallahassee.  Wayne Loganski came home from his favorite bar last Saturday night and discovered that his dog, William, now actually barks “woof.”

Loganski, a plumber, was amazed when William clearly said “woof” in welcoming Loganski home from a routine drunken binge “It was incredible,” said Loganski.  “Everyone knows dogs don’t actually say “woof” or even “arf.” 

William’s woof-bark has been received well by humans but less enthusiastically by other dogs.  For reasons that Loganski does not understand, other dogs now refuse to play with William or even sniff his behind.  “He is an outcast pure and simple,” said Loganski.

Professor Guido Seidenfeld of Florida State University’s School of Veterinary Medicine in Tallahassee reported in a professional journal that William may be the only dog on earth who barks with a “woof” sound.dog-woof

“We thought ‘woof’ was just a made-up description of the bark of a canine, but apparently it is more than fiction,” said Dr. Seidenfeld in a telephone interview.  “So far we have no idea why William says “woof,” though one of my colleagues thinks William is simply mimicking a bark he heard on television.”

“My research team and I have now begun an international study to assess what sounds dogs actually make when they bark.  No researcher has ever even asked the question much less explored this important issue.  So far we have obtained $35 million in government stimulus money for our project and we hope to get another $100 million from federal earmarks.

“We fully expect this research to be even more significant than our last project where we measured the number of times a dog scratches when it has fleas.”

BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

Posted by Jeremy Mobius | Posted in Animals, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 29-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.

“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of cancer cellmedicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility.  “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread.  I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”

“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team.  “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell.  It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small.  But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”

President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research.  “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”

SNAKE WITH TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE BODIES FOUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Geography, Human Body, Nature
Posted on 22-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Madagascar.  French scientists have found the world’s first dual-body living creature when they discovered a snake made up of two entirely separate and independent bodies with different coloring, gender, and DNA chromosomes.

The snake, tentatively called corpora dualis snakus, was found by accident by a team of  zoologists from the Sorbonne attempting to catalog animals in a rapidly disappearing rain forest in Eastern Madagascar.

Professor Pierre Duguy, head of the expedition, said that his native guides saw the two snakes in separate trees about thirty feet above ground.  They climbed the trees and captured both. 

Close examination by veterinarians snakesconfirmed that though the two snakes differed in both color and gender, they are actually one snake with two separate and independent bodies. DNA analysis found that even the DNA was different despite the fact the snakes were one animal.

“Nothing like this has ever been found before,” said Professor Duguy.  “Imagine one animal with two bodies that are of different sexes, different colors, and quite different DNA.  This may well call for a re-examination of our notion of personhood.  After all, if one snake can somehow evolve into two entire separate ones, perhaps people can do the same.

“And so far we have found one snake with two bodies.  But what if this snake has even more bodies, maybe hundreds or even thousands?”

MAN TURNS INTO CHERUB FOR NO GOOD REASON

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Human Body, Nature, Religion
Posted on 02-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

angel-cherub-with-letterCARLETON, TENNESSEE.  Twenty-two year old Wayne Logan shocked his family and friends by turning into a cherub for absolutely no good reason.

“I felt fine all along,” said a surprised Logan.  “I got up as usual, but when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom I could not believe my eyes:  I had become a cherub.  Wings,  pudgy body and all.

“This was a shock to my family since no one in our family had ever been a cherub.  We didn’t even have any angels though my Great Uncle Felix did resemble a gnome,” noted Logan.

Charlotte Johnson, Logan’s fiancée, could not believe her ears when Logan gave her the good news.  “Wow, I thought, it would be so cool to marry a cherub, even though he looks like a fat three-year-old child with stubby wings.  My friends will be so jealous.  I can’t wait to see our kids!”

Rabbi David Weinstock of Temple Beth El in Nashville commented that “cherubim are rare in modern life but were far more common many years ago when they guarded the Garden of Eden as well as the entrance to paradise.”

Dr. Janessa Washington, a geneticist at Massachusetts General Hospital, said that though cherubs are rare, genetic mutations are common and must be the reason for Logan’s odd transformation.  “I assume his cherub genes are dominant.  His kids will probably have a twenty-five percent chance of being cherubs themselves.”

MALE EQUIVALENT OF WORD “SLUT” DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Bushisms, History, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 NEW HAVEN, CT–A paper published by a Yale English professor in the prestigious Journal of the English Language reported that he and his research team have solved the ancient problem of finding the male equivalent of the word “slut.”

 Professor Fran Willoughby’s article reported that extensivemale_sexy_costume_uniform research among previously unknown letters revealed that “manwhore” was an acceptable male equivalent of “slut” in Eighth Century Norman speech. 

This startling discovery has ended the centuries-long quest for this word.  It had long been thought that the male’s genetic moral purity was deemed to make it unnecessary for the English language to develop a male version of “slut.”

Byron Whitson, head of the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language said that “Professor Willoughby’s magnificent contribution to the literature of language will immortalize him to the literati and he will likely be spoken of in the same manner as writers such as Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss.”

Sociology professor Hans Schumpf of Texas Tech University said that perhaps this discovery would open up new approaches to the study of humanking as it “sheds new light on the male race in its historical and evolutionary development.”

ALLIGATOR CLAIMS CROCODILE IS IMPOSTOR

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

alligators and crocsRIO DE JANEIRO.  An alligator at the Rio De Janeiro zoo has filed an official complaint alleging that Festo, a new alligator, is really a crocodile pretending to be an alligator.

Allegro, the oldest alligator at the Rio De Janeiro zoo,  is outraged that zoo officials have introduced a new alligator, Festo, in the alligator pond when, according to Allegro, that alligator is really a crocodile.

Allegro has vented his anger by filing an official complaint with the Brazilian Zoo Association.  “He is a fraud,” said Allegro.  “Look at him.  Alligators have wide noses while crocodiles have pointed ones.  This fake, Festo, had plastic surgery to make his nose wide.  Look at it.  Don’t take my word. You can see the scars.”

Frederico Santos, a spokesperson for Festo,  held a press conference to deny the accusations.  Santos claimed that Allegro is just jealous that a handsome new alligator has entered the competition for the favors of the three female alligators in the pond.

“Festo was, is, and always will be an alligator and we will prove it in court,” said Santos. “We have discussed this matter with counsel and will take appropriate actions to right this tremendous wrong.”

FISH MORE OPTIMISTIC THAN DOGS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Nature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

fish-optimisticSAN FRANCISCO.  New research from the famed Pringle Institute for Advanced Science reports that fish are more optimistic about the future than dogs.

Dogs, long considered to be the most optimistic species on earth, have consistently rated very high on the Thomas-Balking Scale of Optimism. 

 Dr. Barry Foster, the principal researcher on the project, explained, “This optimistic attitude has been used by scientists to explain why dogs appear to be happy to meet most anyone.  The generally accepted theory is that dogs are genetically predisposed to think that everyone is a likely candidate to give them a prime rib bone with some meat on it, even though the person has never fed that dog and does not even like dogs.”

 Dr. Foster noted that recent research at the Pringle Institute has substantiated happy-dogthe view that dogs really are optimistic, but a surprising finding of the new study is that fish are even more optimistic about the future than dogs.  Over three-quarters of fish involved in the double blind study scored in the top five percent on the optimism scale.  

 Dr. Foster said that this result may have many practical uses.  He noted that “it may well  provide an answer to the hotly debated issue of why some fish appear to be so stupid that they allow themselves to be caught repeatedly by fishermen using obviously fake insects.”

 The Institute has already applied for a $9 million federal grant to determine whether worms are as optimistic as fish.

CURIOUS GEORGE NO LONGER CURIOUS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Leisure, Literature, Tragedies
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK.  The author of the Curious George set of books for children has concluded that his character, Curious George, has become so attached to video games that he is no longer curious.

 H.A. Rey, the author of the hugely successful series of children’s booksCuriousGeorge involving an animal named Curious George, announced through a publicist, Ivina Dothard,  that Curious George has somehow lost his sense of awe and curiosity.  Rey attributed the unfortunate change to the animal-formerly-known-as-Curious-George’s addiction to video games. 

 Now, according to Dothard, Curious George is only interested in violence and has become so mean-spirited that he is no longer suitable for children’s books.  “He spaces out all the time and growls when children walk by,”  reported Dothard.  Rey and others are looking into the possibility of changing the audience of the series from children to mentally disturbed adults bent on violence.

TALKING ALLIGATOR: BABY TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Nature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW ZEALAND.  Cedric the talking alligator confessed to eating a six-week old baby that tasted like chicken.

alligator

 Four years ago Cedric amazed the world by demonstrating that he could talk English and had a vocabulary of 75 words. The product of Marybeth Duncan’s novel approach to teaching human skills to animals, Cedric became a household name and was seen on tee shirts and other items sold on all continents.  “The Cedric,” a dance originating in New Zealand, soon swept the club world where people were seen crawling on their stomachs and opening their mouths in beat with the music.

 In the past four years Cedric’s vocabulary grew to 300 words and he was beginning to read at a first grade level.

 All this success was jeopardized a month ago when a six-week old baby disappeared near a man-made swamp adjacent to the research facility where Cedric has lived for five years.  The baby was left in a crib a few feet from the swamp while his mother was jogging around the permeter of the outdoor area.

After an extensive search for the missing child by several law enforcement agencies and hundreds of volunteers, attention began to focus on Cedric, who was declared a “thing of interest” by police authorities.  Cedric was then given his Miranda warnings and questioned intensively.  Yesterday he confessed in a recorded session that was released to the media.  “I was hungry,” said a downcast Cedric.  “The baby looked so tender.  I feel horrible.  I ate it in one gulp.  It tasted like chicken.”

 Authorities are now pondering what to do with Cedric, who has been put on a suicide watch.  There is strong sentiment that he should be put to sleep to avoid risk to any other children.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals islanning a demonstration to protest the execution.

BOY PUT DOWN AFTER BEING BITTEN BY DOG

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Tragedies
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

dog-meanBEAVERTON, ORE.  A boy, bitten by a neighbor’s dog, was put to sleep when neighbors complained to police that they feared the tragedy could happen again.

 Bobby Fishman, the three-year old son of Maxine and David Fishman, was bitten by Felix, a yellow labrador when Bobby was playing on the sidewalk outside his home.  Felix had jumped the fence where he had been confined for vicious tendencies and attacked Bobby who reached through the fence to pet the dog.

 “I hated to shoot the boy,” said Chief Caroline Thompson of the Beaverton, Oregon, Police Department, But we can’t let this kind of thing continue in our town.  We feared that once the dog tasted the boy’s flesh that it would go after him again.”

 David Fishman, the boy’s father, held a tearful press conference where he noted, happy boy“I don’t blame Chief Thompson or anyone.  My boy should not have tried to pet Felix.  I am just glad that Felix is OK.  My boy had a throat infection and, thank goodness, Felix did not catch it.  That would have made two tragedies instead of just one.”

 Felix’s owners did not respond to calls from this reporter,  but their lawyer, Arnold Winston, of Beaverton issued a statement that Felix had suffered considerable mental anguish from the experience and the owner’s lawyers were studying the matter and exploring all available legal alternatives.