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SCIENTISTS BAFFLED: MAN DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE

EFFINBURGH, SCOTLAND.    Scientists at the prestigious University of Effinburgh were shocked to discover a sheepherder named Lien Nehoc who actually dreamed he was awake when he was not. Nehoc first went to his family doctor, Melinda Brogan, to discuss... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 27-04-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

MISSISSIPPI ADDS RIGHT SHOE AS OFFICIAL STATE SHOE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

259196_stock-photo-old-bootJackson, Mississippi.  As part of a larger plan to attract businesses and tourists to Mississippi, Governor Buddy Ray Baldwin announced that the legislature had just selected the right shoe as the Official Shoe of Mississippi.

“For several years now our progressive legislature has been enacting laws designed to make Mississippi even more appealing to businesses and tourists from all over the world,” said Governor Baldwin.  “When someone pointed out we have an official Tree and an Official Bird but do not have an Official Shoe, the legislature sprong (sic) into action.   A subcommittee was formed in each house, over 600 extensive hearings were conducted both in Jackson and around the State, and it became clear that the citizens of this Great State wanted the right shoe as their Official Shoe. This became even more compelling when the Senate Committee discovered that Mississippi would be the first state in the Union to have an Official State Shoe. ”

“The right shoe was selected, “continued the Governor, “because it shows clearly that this Great State is right-leaning and God-fearing;  not one of the Communist left-leaning States like California and New York.  I understand they are both considering making marijuana their state plant.  In contrast, our decision shows plainly that Mississippians are working folk because every worker in the State wears a right shoe;  it is required by safety laws.”

Yoguna Tagasaki, head of site selection for Toyota, issued a public statement about the news.  “Before Mississippi adopted the right shoe as its Official Shoe, frankly Toyota had eliminated it for consideration for our next mega-factory in the U.S.  But now the ball game has changed.  In our assessment, Mississippi has become a leader in the competition for the factory.  We seek a progressive environment and what could be more creative and progressive than the adoption of an Official Shoe.”

In response to Mississippi’s bold and seemingly successful action, at least twenty other states are now exploring adopting their own Official Shoe as part of the cutthroat business of attracting jobs.  Delaware is even considering the adoption of its Official Shoe, Glove, Sock, Baseball Bat, Word, Pretzel. Ice Cream, Color, Lego Piece, Cosmetic Surgery, and Garden Tool.

 

 

FRENCH ADOPT CARRY LAW FOR GUILLOTINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Geography, History, Human Body, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

PARIS.  In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.sotn mini guillotine

The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine.  French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.

“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter.  “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like.  Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them.  We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say.  I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”

Not all French agree with Dumont.  Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever.  “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists.  We would be powerless to do anything!”

In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines.  The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size.  It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide.  It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings.  It can also be used to cut tomatoes.

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE FINALLY ADDS “SHOE” TO OLYMPIC GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Inventions, Sports
Posted on 02-03-2015 | E-mail this to a friend

iphone pictures 2-2015 055Berlin. In response to widespread public pressure from every corner of the globe, the International Olympic Committee has finally added “shoe” to the 2020 Winter Olympic Games.  It is expected at least 175 countries will enter both individual and team competitions.

Reflecting the social media-prompted craze, the game of shoe has essentially taken over the world sport scene. Attendance at soccer, baseball, and American football is at an all-time low. On September 16, 2014, for example, while only 18 people saw the New York Yankees play the Boston Red Sox for the American league championship, many millions were at home playing shoe and an estimated one billion people in 120 countries watched the nail-biting match between top-rated teams from Iceland and Kenya, won by Kenya on the last play of the contest.

A deceptively simply game, shoe involves strategically placing two shoes on the outside (cannot be on the inside) of a door but no more than eight inches from the door itself. Points are allocated based on the type of shoe, the angle(s) and heights of the shoes, and, most importantly, the creativity in using the limited space and the two shoes.

Players take turns manipulating the shoes with points allocated after each move. The photo to the upper right depicts the Wymann Gambit first played in 1994 by Alphonse Wymann of the Netherlands who placed two crossed orange flip flop shoes in the center of the door with one resting on its heel and the other on its toe and, obviously, won the match with the best total score in the history of the game.   No one had ever made this innovative play before and Wymann was the unanimous choice as the 1997 Shoe Player of the Year.

The game is over when the referees declare “time” and declare a winner. A unique feature of shoe is that the winner is not necessarily the person with the higher point score or even with a decent score. The refs have the discretion to declare the winner to be the athlete with the lower score. In addition, the referees decide how long the match lasts, ranging from a few seconds to four months. This unusual approach to timekeeping and scoring keeps fans’interest at a feverish high until the winner is announced.

BACHMANN WANTS TEA PARTY TO ADOPT HEADLESS HORSEMAN AS ITS OFFICIAL MASCOT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Election 2012, History, Inventions, Politics, Religion
Posted on 27-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington.  In a speech to Tea Party loyalists, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann called on the Tea Party to adopt the Headless Horseman as its official mascot.

“”I suggest that the Tea Party adopt the Headless Horseman as its symbol and mascot,” said a beaming Bachmann addressing a small crowd of cheering Tea Party activists in Washington to protest both a government-gone-wild with excess spending and the possible cut in Social Security and Medicare benefits to elderly Americans.

Bachmann enthusiastically yelled, “What could be more appropriate than this Revolutionary War symbol that celebrates George Washington’s God-inspired walk across the top of the waters of the Potomac when he uttered the words that Americans will never forget, ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

When asked for a comment, MSNBC host Chris Matthews screeched, “She’s an idiot!  She knows nothing about American history.  The Headless Horseman is in a work of fiction by Washington Irving.  And George Washington said, ‘I cannot tell a lie,’ not ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

Bachmann’s response to Matthews HeadlessHorsemanwas pithy and biting, “He’s an idiot who knows nothing about American history.”

Matthews’ response to Bachmann’s response was short and sweet.  “She’s an idiot.”

President Obama, choosing to walk the middle ground in this now spirited public dispute, was quoted as saying, “I can understand both of their views but it is now the time to move ahead and drastically cut federal spending without removing any benefits from anyone.  I know we can do it.  Remember, we are Americans. We invented the internet and everything else.”

BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

Posted by Jeremy Mobius | Posted in Animals, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 29-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.

“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of cancer cellmedicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility.  “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread.  I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”

“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team.  “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell.  It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small.  But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”

President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research.  “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”

WORKER TOO BUSY FOR FAST FOOD

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Inventions, Leisure, Studies of the Rich
Posted on 20-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

burger and friesNew York.  Philip Begley, a lawyer with a large Wall Street law firm, is now too busy  for fast food.

“I used to eat fast food all the time,” said Begley.   “I loved hamburgers and Nathan’s hot dogs, but I am so overwhelmed that I just don’t have the time to get fast food.

“You have no idea how long it takes to get a quarter pounder, even if the store is not busy.  Last month I tried one more time but it took me almost two minutes to get my order. I don’t have that time to waste.”

McDonald’s issued a statement noting that “This is a serious issue that we have been aware of for several years.  Our staff is working on it night and day.  One thing we are addressing is how to get our food out much faster.  In this modern world, people just don’t have the luxury of waiting to get their fast food.

“One possibility, still in the early development stage, is to deliver our food over the internet and eventually through cell phones.  This could allow us to fill orders instantly and in the place where our busy customers are working.  Imagine how much time our patrons will save when we get over the minor technical hurdles that currently prevent us from delivering our food products over the internet or cell phone. 

“In the not too distant future you will be able to have a tasty McDonald’s hamburger or shake delivered to your cell phone and at a click of an app, the picture of the food will be reconstituted into the real thing.  Hot and delicious, as if we had just prepared it for you at one of our fine restaurants. We may even include an American flag with the order to symbolize American ingenuity!”

CHINESE FINALLY INVENT CHOPKNIFE TO GO WITH CHOPSTICKS

Posted by Tracy West | Posted in Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 18-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Beijing.  After 1700 years of experimentation, Chinese scientists have just completed Phase One work on a chopknife to be used with chopsticks.

The chopstick was invented several thousand years ago by Chinese peasants who needed something to eat with other than their hands, which were dirty from working in sweatshops making designer apparel for the upscale American market.

These wooden chopsticks are still used throughout the world in Chinese restaurants and even in China proper, despite the invention of the metal fork, spoon, and knife.

Chinese intellectuals have long recognized the need for other items to supplement the use of chopsticks which are not very good for chopping, cutting, or consuming soup. Yesterday’s announcement that a chopknife was invented brought cheers from millions of chopstick enthusiasts.

The prototype chopknife is made of wood and is designed to cut meat and other block of wooditems.  Unfortunately, the first version is a large square block of wood three inches on each side with a small hole in it. Early test results indicate it has limited cutting utility.  One scholar, who insisted on anonymity,  suggested that this could be because it has no cutting surface.

Professor Ming Chang who announced the technological breakthrough, noted that “we are aware that the first model of the chopknife has some minor functional problems but our research team fully expects to work them out in the next few years. 

“Until then,” said Professor Chang, “people may find that the chopknife is very useful for pounding and squashing and the little hole in it can be used for storing tiny things.                                                     

“Our team is also working on a chopstick-like implement to be used for consuming soup.  Our initial model is a hollow chopstick that can be used as both a straw for liquids like soup and beer as well as a traditional chopstick for eating solid food.  We will keep the world apprised of our progress.”

MAN LOSES ONE MILLION SOCKS: NEW GUINNESS RECORD

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions, Tragedies
Posted on 16-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

socksDublin, Ireland.  Guinness has confirmed that Malcolm McGrady, a Dublin dentist, has established a new world’s record by losing a million single socks over his 68 year lifetime.

“I don’t know what happens to them,” said a thoughtful McGrady.  “Every time I do a wash a bunch of socks just disappear.  The same thing happened to me Mum when I was a wee thing.  Baby socks somehow got lost so much that Mum used to buy them by the gross.”

Professor DeWitt Canbury, the Nobel winning geneticist at Cambridge University, said the remarkable achievement may open up an entirely new area of genetic research.  “Never before have we seen  what appears to be a genetic trait that involves  extreme careless behavior.  I plan on presenting a speculative paper on this intriguing subject at the next international conference.”

The Global Sock Company’s President, Chow Fong, issued a statement congratulating McGrady on a “most important achievement.  As the world’s largest manufacturer of socks, we hope that we produced at least some of the socks that were lost.  This would be our small contribution to an accomplishment that may never be duplicated on earth.”

ARMY ISSUES SNUGGIES TO ALL SOLDIERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 20-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington, DC.  The Department of the Army today announced that starting early next year it would issue camouflage Snuggies, the fleece blanket with sleeves, to all soldiers stationed anywhere in the world.

“The Army has been looking for the UCO (Universal Clothing Option) for years and finally found it a few months ago when one of our soldiers, Specialist Molly Drake, saw an ad on television and alerted her commanding officer who, in turn, contacted the Pentagon’s Office of Procurement,” said a statement issued by the Army’s Public Relations Bureau.

Fashion_Snuggie_Reyn4_t607“We have now ordered three million camouflage Snuggies and got a terrific deal:  two for the price of one plus shipping and handling!  The Snuggies will keep our fighting men and women warm while allowing their hands to be free for hand-to-hand combat.   The Snuggie is also big enough to allow the soldier to keep a weapon underneath the cloth, thereby hiding it from both the enemy and the elements.  Plus, the Snuggie is soft and will be good for morale as it will remind our brave soldiers of the teddy bear they snuggled with as infants. And they can even use it as a blanket or mattress when sleeping!”

“I love my Snuggie,” said Captain William Feld of the Special Forces.  “I can’t wait until the battle is over so I can cuddle up with my favorite book and my Snuggie.  Finally the Army got something right!”

REPUBLICANS VOW TO REPEAL ALL FEDERAL TAXES; GOVERNMENT—NOT THE PEOPLE—TO PAY FOR GOVERNMENT EXPENDITURES

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Business, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 15-04-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Uncle Sam pocketsWashington.  The head of the Republican Party revealed its plan, the Blueprint for an Efficient America, that will repeal 100% of all federal taxes and, instead, have the government itself pay for its own expenditures.

“We think this will make life easier for all Americans of this great country and will force the government to be more efficient since it will now be spending its own money rather than that of the American taxpayer, who has paid to support this spendthrift government for over a thousand years,” said Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  “Now the baby will have to provide for itself.  It’s about time!”

“Finally something sensible out of Washington,” said Robert Billy Foster, Chair of Tea Party United, an umbrella group for the tea party movement.  “From now on if the government wants to spend any money it will have to either print new money, borrow, or go to an ATM machine. Americans will be able to earn and spend their own money without having to prop up a wasteful ungodly government. Tea party members will now move to having the states adopt the same approach.  Imagine, no sales tax, no property tax, no income tax!”

Dr. William Yu, Harvard’s Nobel Prize winning economist, was speechless when he heard about the Republican plan, uttering only a succinct, “Huh?”   This sentiment was echoed by Alan Greenspan, the former head of the Federal Reserve who said, “Would you say that again?”

PRISONER 639041 CHANGES NUMBER TO MORE PEACEFUL 859266

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions
Posted on 25-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

Hopkinsville, New Mexico.  In a move that stunned prison officials at the New Mexico State Penitentiary in Hopkinsville, Prisoner 639041 requested—and was given– a change of number to 859266.

When Tom Martinez was imprisoned in 2005 for nine counts of automobile theft, he became prisoner 639041. “That number was OK for a few years.  Actually I liked it and had it tattooed on my forehead.  But then I became involved with AA and became a Christian and am now a changed man,” said Martinez.  “The number 639041 is no longer right.  It is too violent-sounding;  it is just not me anymore.  So I asked Warden Lopez to change it to 859266, an obviously more peaceful and righteous number, one I can proudly wear.  Now all I have to do is to change the tattoo on my forehead.”

prisoner hands-barsWarden Lopez said he was glad to grant the change request, though it was the first of its kind.  “I agree with 639041 that the new number is simply more appropriate for someone like him who has turned himself around.  I welcome similar requests by others who have rehabilitated themselves.”

 Professor Victor Lamed, a criminologist from Florida State University, said that the number change theory may well be a “breakthrough in the rehabilitation of criminals and he would soon file for a massive federal grant to study the issue.”

MORNING OFFICIALLY CHANGED TO AFTERNOON

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 18-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON. After over a hundred years of debate and scientific studies, today the International Time Compact was amended by all 188 member countries to swap the morning and afternoon in order to make it easier for people to get up, especially after a late night of reveling or working.

The idea was pioneered by Sasha Kadamian, a Londoner known for her wild parties that lasted well into the morning.  She kept a detailed diary and discovered that after a late party clockwhen she slept until the early afternoon she was not nearly as drowsy during the rest of the day as when she got up at her usual time of 6:30 A.M.  Realizing that a simple switch of mornings and afternoons would essentially mean that most everyone would get up in the afternoon instead of the morning, she began a campaign to officially switch the two times.

Over time, a worldwide movement developed and an official petition was filed  requesting a change in the International Time Compact that governs the clocks of every country in the world.  The effort crowned its success today and was heralded throughout the world.

“I cannot think of a more significant development,” said Dr. Malcom Townsend, the world’s leading expert on sleep.  “This simple step will cure at least half of the sleep problems we doctors face every day.  The literature has long shown that people who get a long sleep and rise in the afternoon are less tired than those who sleep less and get up early in the morning.  With this switch, they can get up at 1:00 PM and be wide awake when they start the morning later in the day.”

The National Economic Council estimated that the change would add more than a trillion dollars of productivity as workers become more efficient in the morning.

DENTAL FLOSS NOT GOOD TOILET PAPER

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Human Body, Inventions
Posted on 18-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

RED CLAY, COLORADO. A man who manufactures more dental floss than anyone in the world concedes that it does not make good toilet paper.

When John Robertson, president of the world’s largest manufacturer of dental floss was vacationing in his remote cabin in the Colorado mountains, he had no idea he would be doing an experiment with his own product. As always, flossing teethRobertson carried a large supply of various types of his dental products in his backpack, including waxed and unwaxed versions of mint and plain dental floss and dental tape.

When a snow storm suddenly trapped him in the cabin, he realized that he and his wife had not restocked the toilet paper and essentially had enough for only one day. When they ran out of toilet paper, Robertson thought that perhaps dental floss would work as well. If so, he hoped it might create an increase in the market for his company’s products.

After three days of using only dental floss after trips to the cabin’s bathroom, Robertson expressed frustration with the experiment. “I am a bit tired of using dental floss, especially the really thin kind,” he told a reporter by cell phone. “And the mint-flavored stings a bit. All in all, I think that toilet paper is far better than dental floss for toilet use.”

“It got really bad when my wife got a bit of diarrhea yesterday.toilet_paper She cursed for the first time in her life. My suggestion that she use our no-flavored, waxed dental tape rather than unwaxed floss did not seem to help.”

“I use dental floss for everything, just like duct tape. But I guess there are limits to what even great dental floss can do,” Robertson said.

NEW LETTER OF ALPHABET DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Inventions, Literature, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Scientists at the Cambridge University Planetarium announced today that they have discovered a new letter of the alphabet located between “R” and “S.”

“We were using our Newton Telescope, the most powerful in the world, and stumbled on the new letter between “R” and “S,” said Dr. Nigel Hawthorne of the Cambridge Observatory.

alphabet-letters “We weren’t even actually looking for it.  Our attention was on the possibility of a new planet, but were we shocked at our discovery!”

 “We have tentatively named the new letter ‘Thud’ which seemed to fit perfectly between “R” and “S.”   It resembles a circle with a dead snake in it and hair on top of the circle.  It is actually quite pretty,” claimed Hawthorne.

 “Plus, the letter ‘thud’ is consistent with the “A,B,C” song, which can still be sung with the new letter in it,” Dr. Hawthorne reported.

 As one would expect, the discovery has sent shock waves throughout the world.  The Wall Street Journal announced it would add the new letter in its alphabetical listing of stock prices and several dictionary companies have issued a recall of their products which are now obsolete.

 The producers of alphabet soup have already included the new letter.

President Bush praised the discovery as once again proving that “America is on the foremount of scientific quests.”  When reminded that the discovery was made by English rather than American scientists, the President apologized for the error and said that he had momentarily forgotten that England was no longer an American colony.

BOY INVENTS NEW GAME: HIDE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Inventions, Leisure
Posted on 19-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

hide and seekST. LOUIS.  Ben Greenberg, a three-year-old prodigy,  invented a new game called Hide which is sweeping his day care program and is likely to reach international recognition within the year.

 Greenberg, a short tike with a friendly smile, invented the game while playing with his grandfather, Jack Lampert.  The youngster told his grandfather to hide, then returned to his perch on the couch watching Sesame Street and fell asleep.

 Five hours later his grandfather yelled “you win” and emerged to find young Ben watching reruns of Saturday Night Live.

“It was really fun to play Hide with Ben,” said the proud grandfather.  “We can interact on a far higher level than we did when we just played Hide and Seek.  Frankly, Hide and Seek got boring after a few hours, but Hide maintains its interest for hours and hours.  I hate to brag, but Ben is really good at the game,”  beamed Lampert.

 “When Ben told me to hide, I ran to the guest bedroom and sat on the closet floor and wondered what Ben was doing,” said Lampert.  “It was really fun and creative.”

 Dr. Bertran Homberg, head of Child Psychiatry at Washington University Medical School, praised the new invention as providing “a terrific way to assist children develop the emotional facets of their brain.  It is impossible to think of a child playing Hide who does not grow intellectually as well as physiologically from the challenge it presents.”

 Some of the largest board game manufacturers in the world are now engaged in negotiations with Ben and his parents over the rights to market the new phenomenon, often likened to the Rubik’s Cube or Sudoku in terms of its international possibilities.

BUSH ADDS 27,000 WORDS TO DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Inventions, Literature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

BushWASHINGTON.  Using a long-forgotten presidential power, President Bush today added 27.000 new words to the Official United States Government Dictionary, a result likely to be followed by all other dictionary publishers.

 In reaction to criticism that some of President Bush’s words were not really words and were not in any dictionary, President Bush issued Executive Order 2007-52-19 that added over 27.000 new words to the official dictionary of the U.S. Government.

 “Now they can’t say I don’t speak words because now my speakage is really real words,” said President Bush at his weekly press conference.

 The new words include “nucular,” “decider,””speakage,”  and “canditity.”  Other additions and their official definitions are: “virginocity,””flubber” (“a person who makes a mistake”),”flubbee” (“a person who is made a mistake to”), “legalisticism” (“state of being legally correct”), “wino” (“a person who complains all the time”), “preecious” (“a person who can predict the future”), and “soldierofmassdestruction”(“an American fighting man and/or woman”).

 Dr. Wendell Pruitt of the Harvard English department applauded the President “for his singular contribution to the English language.”  “It is so refreshing to have a President who takes language seriously,” said Dr. Pruitt.

 The publishers of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary issued a press release praising the President and indicating that the 27,000 words would appear in the next edition of their dictionary.

INDONESIA CREATES KNOCK OFF OF CHINESE KNOCK OFF OF FRENCH PURSE

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, Inventions
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

purseWASHINGTON.  In a development that has sent shock waves through international commercial markets, federal authorities announced the first-ever discovery of Indonesian-made knock offs of Chinese knocks offs of designer purses.

 Charles Feldpath, spokesperson for the New York FBI office, announced at a press conference that federal agents, working undercover in Chinatown, arrested a Chinese man selling Indonesian-made knock offs of Chinese-knock offs of French purses bearing the label of Pierre LaRoche, the famous clothes designer.  Each purse bore the misleading label, “Made in France,” in both English and Chinese. 

Fearing that this new development would wreak havoc with the thriving Chinese business of manufacturing knock off versions of virtually everything,  Chow Sung, the Chinese ambassador to the United Nations, held a press conference to present the views of his government.

 “First, I have been instructed to say that the Chinese government pledges its full cooperation in the investigation of this grave challenge to international trade.  The Chinese government demands an international conference on the theft of Chinese intellectual property and requests prompt action by the United Nations on this affront to Chinese integrity,” said Ambassador Sung.  

 “The people of China strongly condemn those third world countries that do not respect the integrity of the beautiful goods made by hard-working Chinese children.”

 Sung also expressed a concern that “consumers worldwide, who rely on the superior quality of Chinese knock offs, would suffer by purchasing inferior goods on the belief that they were made by Chinese children when in fact they were the product of Indonesian children.”

 The Indonesian government issued a formal statement denying any knowledge of such knock offs and suggested that China should mind its own business.  In language meant as either a complex riddle or as a veiled threat, the Indonesian statement noted that “our brother to the North must remember that the fortune in fortune cookies may bite the fortune teller.”

PATENT OFFICE RECOGNIZES PATENT OF AIR

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Human Body, Inventions
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON.  The United States Patent Office has finally recognized that air was patented by May Ellen Pinkston, a chemist from Toledo, Ohio, in 1932.

 Though Dr. May Ellen Pinkston died in 1958, her heirs just received the good news that her patent application for air was finally acknowledged by the U.S. Patent Office. 

 Dr. Pinkston discovered the existence of air in her lab at the University of Akron in 1931 when she solved the age-old question of the function of lungs in the human body. Previously it was generally accepted that lungs only function was to produce phlegm, one of the original elements first discovered by early Greek scientists and long thought to be the chemical basis for all life.

The next year Dr. Pinkston filed a patent application which for unknown reasons was never formally recognized by the Patent Office.

 “We are really happy,” said her granddaughter Faith Pinkston Eubanks of Anchorage, Alaska.  “Now we will be able to afford a home and maybe even some furniture.”

 “We are not sure yet how we are going to market air, but tentative plans are to charge everyone on earth fifty cents a day to use it.  Considering the importance of air, we think this is a fair price.  We assume governments will have some form of assistance for people who cannot afford this rather modest cost.”

 Consumer advocate Ralph Nader said the price was a “rip off considering it cost absolutely nothing to produce air.”

 President Bush applauded the Patent Office for its decision that “once again revealed the superiorocity of the American free market system and the intelligensia of the American people.”

 [235 words]

BUSH ADMINISTRATION ENDORSES PIG LATIN AS WORLD LANGUAGE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Geography, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC.  In his first foray into fostering international understanding, President Bush announced today an initiative in which his administration would undertake serious efforts to make Pig Latin the official world language.

 At his weekly press conference, President Bush explained the bold plan:  “For many years, at least ten and maybe even fourteen, I have thought that what the world needs most is a common language so people can understand each other.  It dawned on me the other day, maybe Tuesday but it could of been Wednesday, I don’t exactly remember, that Pig Latin is the perfect world language. 

 “Think about it.,” opined the President.  ” It is already spoken fluently in Latin America and in old timey Catholic Churches and even the Pope speaks it and the people in Rome and maybe all of Italy speak it and I think most people in the three parts of Gaul do, too.

 “Plus, Pig Latin is easily understood by My Fellow Americans and others familiar with the English language.

 “Why even school children understand it.  I remember well that I finally mastered it in my second year at Yale.  My Dad was so proud. He thought I had no special talent in languages!

 “I think a world language would go far toward reducing wars and helping people eat right.  Now they all over the world will be able to read the label to see what is in their Quarter Pounder.

 “And finally people everywhere will be able to understand Hip Hop recordings.  Frankly, now I have a hard time getting some of the words.  But once Hip Hop comes out in Pig Latin, I am sure I will be able to figure out what the performers are saying.  Some of them may even be Republicans because I know of at least seven Hip Hop kind of people who are Republicans.  I am a Republican, you know.

 “I know it will require some work.  Like it will take a bit of time to say the President of Iran’s name in Pig Latin.  But I am sure that the American Creative Spirit will emulate once again and uprise to the task.”

 Reaction to the announcement was swift and predictable.  “The boldest, most thoughtful and creative concept ever formulated by an American President or any other leader in the history of the world,” commented Carl Rove, the President’s close friend and former political advisor.

 “He’s an idiot,” said all Democratic Presidential candidates in a pithy, concise joint statement.