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BIRTH CERTIFICATE PROVES O’BAMA IS IRISH

Dublin, Ireland.  After years of speculation about the birth of President O’Bama, an anonymous source produced the official birth certificate of the President and established conclusively that he was born in Cork, Ireland, and was named Barney O’Bama... Read More

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND REAL OPENING TO HELL IN CENTRAL PARK DIG

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
Posted on 05-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.   Archaeologists from the famed Museum of Natural History confirmed that a research team digging in northwest Central Park found the actual entrance to Hell located about two feet beneath the surface near a trash bin.

“Our research team was stunned, to say the least,” said Dr. Frances Martin, head of the project.  “We were looking for artifacts from the revolutionary war and came upon a rather large opening about twenty feet in diameter that seemed very warm inside.  We inserted a probe about 100 feet and recorded a significant increase in temperature in the deeper regions.”

“As soon as I realized that we had discovered the entryway to Hell, we immediately covered up the hole to prevent anyone from inadvertently falling in,” continued Martin.  “We are now discussing whether to continue research in the area or abandon the project and let well enough alone.”

Religious leaders from around the world have widely condemned the research as invading the province of the churches.  “Hell is our business, not some scientist,” said a high-ranking member of a fundamentalist church who refused to be identified because of concerns that he may go to Hell if discovered.  Jewish leaders agreed though noted that their faith does not exactly embrace the concept of Hell.

The only significant group to demand further exploration was the biker group “Hell’s Angels.”  Albert “Snuffer” Haynes, speaking for the club, demanded “immediate access to the site so his club members could experience what Hell is really like,” an experience Haynes claimed was protected by the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom to travel.  Haynes did not rule out the possibility that the Angels would try to make Hell their official headquarters.  “We are consulting counsel about it,” he said.

 

JESUS, MOHAMMED, AND YAHWEH APPOINTED TO BRITISH HOUSE OF LORDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Geography, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 17-03-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

London.   The English House of Lords increased its membership by three by adding Jesus, Mohammed, and Yahweh as members.

 “It just seemed the right thing to do,” said Robert Pickwick, spokesperson for the House of Lords Appointments Committee.  “After all, we have about 740 members including 26 bishops.  How could we not include Lord Jesus, Lord Mohammed, and Lord Yahweh?”

Lords in House of Lords Their appointments, like all life peers, are for their entire life.  “Frankly, we have not faced the issue of what to do if one of them dies, but I guess we will if it ever happens,” said Pickwick.

The announcement set off a flurry of comments, some quite hostile.  The Agnostics Society said the appointment violated their right to be free from government adoption of religion, a claim that most would reject as inconsistent with the House of Lord’s historical representation of Bishops of the Church of England.

 Both members of the Ooltewah faith, a small nature-worshipping religion based in a cigar store in Liverpool, immediately began circulating a petition to have their god-figure, called Oolte, selected as a life peer in the next round of appointments.  Oolte, regarded as having the body of a very large gerbil, the feet of a millipede, and the head of Lyle Lovett, the American entertainer,  was first seen in a dream by Skye Oolte (formerly William Smithe) who was in a drunken stupor after attending  a Lyle Lovett concert.

 Mr. Pickwick, of the Appointments Committee, denied comment but said that he would look at any petitions he received for new positions in the House of Lords.

BACHMANN WANTS TEA PARTY TO ADOPT HEADLESS HORSEMAN AS ITS OFFICIAL MASCOT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson | Posted in Election 2012, History, Inventions, Politics, Religion
Posted on 27-01-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

Washington.  In a speech to Tea Party loyalists, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann called on the Tea Party to adopt the Headless Horseman as its official mascot.

“”I suggest that the Tea Party adopt the Headless Horseman as its symbol and mascot,” said a beaming Bachmann addressing a small crowd of cheering Tea Party activists in Washington to protest both a government-gone-wild with excess spending and the possible cut in Social Security and Medicare benefits to elderly Americans.

Bachmann enthusiastically yelled, “What could be more appropriate than this Revolutionary War symbol that celebrates George Washington’s God-inspired walk across the top of the waters of the Potomac when he uttered the words that Americans will never forget, ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

When asked for a comment, MSNBC host Chris Matthews screeched, “She’s an idiot!  She knows nothing about American history.  The Headless Horseman is in a work of fiction by Washington Irving.  And George Washington said, ‘I cannot tell a lie,’ not ‘I cannot sell a pie.’”

Bachmann’s response to Matthews HeadlessHorsemanwas pithy and biting, “He’s an idiot who knows nothing about American history.”

Matthews’ response to Bachmann’s response was short and sweet.  “She’s an idiot.”

President Obama, choosing to walk the middle ground in this now spirited public dispute, was quoted as saying, “I can understand both of their views but it is now the time to move ahead and drastically cut federal spending without removing any benefits from anyone.  I know we can do it.  Remember, we are Americans. We invented the internet and everything else.”

MAN TURNS INTO CHERUB FOR NO GOOD REASON

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Arts, Human Body, Nature, Religion
Posted on 02-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

angel-cherub-with-letterCARLETON, TENNESSEE.  Twenty-two year old Wayne Logan shocked his family and friends by turning into a cherub for absolutely no good reason.

“I felt fine all along,” said a surprised Logan.  “I got up as usual, but when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom I could not believe my eyes:  I had become a cherub.  Wings,  pudgy body and all.

“This was a shock to my family since no one in our family had ever been a cherub.  We didn’t even have any angels though my Great Uncle Felix did resemble a gnome,” noted Logan.

Charlotte Johnson, Logan’s fiancée, could not believe her ears when Logan gave her the good news.  “Wow, I thought, it would be so cool to marry a cherub, even though he looks like a fat three-year-old child with stubby wings.  My friends will be so jealous.  I can’t wait to see our kids!”

Rabbi David Weinstock of Temple Beth El in Nashville commented that “cherubim are rare in modern life but were far more common many years ago when they guarded the Garden of Eden as well as the entrance to paradise.”

Dr. Janessa Washington, a geneticist at Massachusetts General Hospital, said that though cherubs are rare, genetic mutations are common and must be the reason for Logan’s odd transformation.  “I assume his cherub genes are dominant.  His kids will probably have a twenty-five percent chance of being cherubs themselves.”

NASA TO SEND SPACE EXPEDITION TO HEAVEN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
Posted on 01-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC.  NASA today announced plans to send a team of five astronauts aboard the Shuttle Genesis to land on heaven and take cloud samples that will be analyzed by the four billion dollar shuttle’s laboratory.  Any angels that can be captured will be brought back alive in the shuttle’s specially designed angelorium, which is made with padded walls to avoid injuring the angels’ wings and with plenty of head room to accommodate halos of various sizes. 

The trip is expected to take about seven months and will cover 2.7 million miles.  The exploration was funded by Congress as part of health reform legislation passed last week.  Designed to appease the religious right and abortion foes, the mission is NASA’s first effort to explore outside the universe.

“We have long wanted to explore heaventhe real heavenly bodies,” said NASA chief Robert Myers. “With the support and blessing of Congress, now we will be able to achieve this goal that once was thought to be no more than a wish upon a star.

“Our scientists believe that with chemical analysis of the clouds of heaven, we will be able to learn much about the origins of the universe, including answering the age-old question whether the “day” referred to in the Bible’s depiction of the six-day birth of the earth and humankind was actually a twenty-four hour day or was more like a twenty-six or even twenty-seven hour day.”

Even conservative voices praised the decision to explore heaven.  “Finally, finally the government is doing something sensible,” said talk radio host Rush Limbaugh.  “After spending billions of dollars on careless banks and deadbeat homeowners, the taxpayers will get something valuable that will actually help solve the world’s serious problems caused by atheists and Democrats.  I can think of no better way to spend public money.”

President Obama praised the announcement as “furthering the interests of pure science and helping reduce unemployment among our scientists and theologians.  It is a win-win situation,” he said.  “I congratulate Congress on its courage in pushing the frontiers of science while carefully safeguading the taxpayer’s dollar.”

 It is expected that thousands of people will volunteer to be astronauts for this mission.

SATAN RETIRES BECAUSE MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Human Body, Religion
Posted on 01-03-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

devilHELL.  Satan shocked the world today when he announced that he is retiring since the world is already saturated with evil and his services are no longer needed.

At a press conference in his palatial mansion in Hell, Satan stunned a room full of news correspondents when he announced that he is retiring after eons of tempting humans into evil behavior.  “I have decided that my services are no longer needed,” said the Devil wearing a bright red cape  and sporting two horns.  “I have looked around the world and find I simply cannot improve on my work.   I have created a Satanic masterpiece!

“There is so much starvation, mean spiritedness, corruption,  and cruelty that my work on earth has been successful.  I decided this after listening to several vicious radio commentators, such as Sean Hannity, and seeing a news report on the widespread death of children in Africa, wars in the Middle East,  homelessness and starvation and sickness in the world’s richest countries, and the lies and misinformation about health care in America. 

“My staff–no pun intended–analyzed the situation, held a victory party,  and decided to move on to other activities.  We will disclose the nature of these new projects in due course.”

Reverend Pat Robertson’s response to news of the retirement was joy:  “This miracle shows God’s power and insight.  By providing wars and starvation and Sean Hannity, God cleverly tricked Satan into giving up without a fight.  Hallelujah.  Triumph!”

MAN GIVES UP VOWELS FOR LENT

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Literature, Religion
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

TOPEKA.  Lynn Flynn rejected the usual Lent regimen of fasting, prayer, and penitence, and took the unusual step of giving up the use of vowels.vowels

 “Wntd 2 B dffrnt ths yr,” said Flynn when asked why she made the decision to forgo the use of vowels for Lent, which runs forty days from Ash Wednesday until Easter.  “Lst yr ws fstng  bt ths yr nt spkng vwls wld prve tht Lnt mttrs mch 2 yrs trly,” wrote Flynn after she and this reporter unsuccessfully tried to communicate with spoken words. 

 Flynn indicated that her most significant problem was whether the letter “Y” is really a vowel or whether she could use it without violating her Lenton oath.  Since “Y” is the only letter in both her first name, “Lynn,”  and last name, “Flynn,” the issue was of some importance since she thought it would be convenient to be able to sign her name during the forty days of Lent.

 “I told her I thought it was viewed as a vowel, but I was not sure of the actual technical categorization of “Y.”  “Thnks,” said Flynn as we ended the interview.

HISTORIANS FIND PEOPLE INVOLVED IN SEX AS EARLY AS 1930

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Leisure, Nature, Religion, Sex Matters
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

AUSTIN,TX.  A research team at the University of Texas has completed a four year study of human behavior and found that human beings had sex as early as 1930.

male female“The accepted view was that people engaged in sex only after World War II when soldiers returned from the front feeling a bit frisky,” said Dr. Oliver Ridings, principal researcher on the federally funded project. “Before that time, the academic community was unanimous in concluding that no one had thought of the idea of having sex.  It was just something that had never dawned on people, like using the computer or Michael Jordan.”

“But our research shows this to be in error.  People actually had man-woman sex as early as 1930.  We researched millions of documents, interviewed thousands of people, and even examined artwork in major galleries.  The conclusion is a slam dunk.”

Not all experts agree.  Dr. William Plank of Princeton’s Sexual Behavior Laboratory said, “It is far too early to reach the conclusions that Dr. Ridings did.  Although his research is important and could turn out to be accurate, much more data are needed before the entire course of history is revised to reflect this new information.”

Dr. Ridings said his team was now involved in exhuming bodies of people buried in the 1920’s and would apply new statistical techniques to assess whether the decomposed bodies had engaged in sexual activity during their lifetime.

The Texas research has led some internationally renowned scholars to suggest that Dr. Ridings may well be on his way to winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his stunning work.

Some religious leaders have expressed horror at the Texas results.  Pastor Elrod Given of the Faith United Baptist Church in Bel Aire, Mississippi, issued a statement condemning the Texas data as inconsistent with the Bible.

“How could it be possible that people engaged in that kind of stuff before 1930 when only a few years before that time Eve emerged from Adam’s body rather than from that kind of stuff?  If people were doing that kind of stuff, don’t you think Eve would have been born rather than fashioned from Adam’s body?” asked Pastor Given.

PRESIDENT BUSH CONDEMNS AL QUAEDA AND OTHER MUSLIMIST SUPPORTERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

UPPER MENNETONKA.  In a speech to the VFW in Upper Minnetonka, Minnesota, President Bush made a scathing attack on what he called the “interfidelity of the Muslimists.”  bush giving finger

 Speaking before a friendly crowd of 450 people wearing thin black VFW hats, President Bush, also adorned in a VFW  hat that kept falling off during his speech, creating a sea of laughter in the room,  noted that at least all and perhaps even more of  the present problems in the world are attributed to one source: Islamic Muslimists.  Despite the fact that his speech was interrupted by standing applause after each sentence, Mr. Bush was able to express his strong views with firmness and compelling logic.

 First noting that Al Quaeda is responsible for much misery and destruction, he condemned Osama Bin Laden and anything else obviously supporting the Al Quaeda cause.  Those getting the sharp edge of his talk included the well-known Al Quaeda supporters:  Al Capone, Al Gore, Al Jolson, Al Franken, Al Roker, Al Sharpton, Al Pacino, Weird Al Jankovic, baseball player Al Kaline, and sportscaster Al Michaels.  

 He also accused the alcohol treatment program, Al-Anon, of being a front for Al Quaeda and permitting its supporters to meet and conspire against America.

 The element aluminum, identified as Al, was characterized as a serious threat to American health as intelligence reports indicate that Al Quada sympathizers are planning on using it to wrap food. 

 The President reserved his harshest words for those “gullible people” who were convinced to eat Al Quaeda’s favorite food: pasta al dente.  He also criticized those who flew on Al Quaeda’s official airline, El Al.  By Executive Order he banned the military from buying Alkaline batteries.

 President Bush then turned to the solution: the free world must “coalinsce behind the concepts of freedom and democracy and cast out governments and people who threaten the very fabric of our spaceship called democracy.”

 Many in the audience wept.  Vern Chalmers, a Viet Nam veteran, said that “if we had a man like that in the White House in 1975 we”d still be in Vietnam where we should be.”

MAN CALLS ZEUS ON CELL PHONE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Religion
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

zeus thunderboltATHENS.  A man from Athens successfully contacted the god Zeus by phone despite widespread belief that Zeus and the other Greek gods had become extinct because of global warming.

 Panos Thanis, a carpenter from Athens, decided to contact the long-lost god Zeus and did it in a most surprising way–by telephone. 

 “I decided to use the internet phone directory to get his number and was surprised that it was so easy to find,” said Thanis in an interview with a local television station.  “Then I dialed it and a man with a deep voice answered on the second ring.”

 “The man said, ‘This is Zeus, who is calling, please?'”

 “I didn’t know what to say, so I hung up,” reported Thanis. 

 Repeated efforts to call Zeus resulted only in reaching an answering machine that made a noise like a thunderbolt.

 Professor Zekos Thermopolis, an evolutionary biologist from Athens University,  said he was not at all surprised at the contact.  “I have long thought that rumors of the death of the Greek Pantheon were exaggerated and that they were not all extinct,”said Professor Thermopolis.  “Global warming has been very destructive, I know, but it is hard to wipe out hundreds of gods in one flood.  I would expect we could even find more Greek deities, perhaps in the darkest regions of Africa or the Amazon.”

 Several expeditions are now being formed to explore Professor Thermapolis’s  theory.