New York. Archaeologists from the famed Museum of Natural History confirmed that a research team digging in northwest Central Park found the actual entrance to Hell located about two feet beneath the surface near a trash bin.
“Our research team was stunned, to say the least,” said Dr. Frances Martin, head of the project. “We were looking for artifacts from the revolutionary war and came upon a rather large opening about twenty feet in diameter that seemed very warm inside. We inserted a probe about 100 feet and recorded a significant increase in temperature in the deeper regions.”
“As soon as I realized that we had discovered the entryway to Hell, we immediately covered up the hole to prevent anyone from inadvertently falling in,” continued Martin. “We are now discussing whether to continue research in the area or abandon the project and let well enough alone.”
Religious leaders from around the world have widely condemned the research as invading the province of the churches. “Hell is our business, not some scientist,” said a high-ranking member of a fundamentalist church who refused to be identified because of concerns that he may go to Hell if discovered. Jewish leaders agreed though noted that their faith does not exactly embrace the concept of Hell.
The only significant group to demand further exploration was the biker group “Hell’s Angels.” Albert “Snuffer” Haynes, speaking for the club, demanded “immediate access to the site so his club members could experience what Hell is really like,” an experience Haynes claimed was protected by the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom to travel. Haynes did not rule out the possibility that the Angels would try to make Hell their official headquarters. “We are consulting counsel about it,” he said.