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ADORABLE GIRL ANNOUNCES FOR PRESIDENTIAL RUN IN 2056

NEW YORK.  In a startling announcement, a really cute five-month old baby has formally announced she is a Democrat candidate for President of the United States in 2056 and has provided a platform likely to be quite attractive to many voters. “I am... Read More

OWL GIVES BIRTH TO OWL-BOY; FATHER UNKNOWN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 02-12-2011 | E-mail this to a friend

TOLEDO.  In the middle of the night  Ralph the Owl gave birth to a half owl, half human baby to the amazement of staff at the Toledo zoo.

“Apparently Ralph should have been named Susan,” said an embarrassed zoo veterinarian who refused to identify himself.  “We blew it, I guess.  We have had Ralph—I mean Susan—for twelve years and thought he was a he.  I hate to say that no one actually looked.”

When asked about the half owl, half human baby, the same veterinarian said that this was not shocking. “Animals and humans have combined for years.  Have you ever heard of Tarzan?  Yogi Berra? This is the first example of a half owl, half person but we have long known it was theoretically possible,” said the anonymous vet.

“We do not know who the father is but we are checking closely to see who had access to Ralph.  If we find the scoundrel, some kind of child support lawsuit may be instituted.”

“We are going to have a national contest to name the tyke,” announced Felipe Bossert, publicist for the zoo.   “In the meantime, we are taking excellent care of the baby.  He has already begun to say a baby version of ‘ooooo.  And he really seems to like spiders and worms.”

BREAKTHROUGH CANCER TREATMENT: NEUTER AND SPAY CANCER CELLS

Posted by Jeremy Mobius | Posted in Animals, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 29-11-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

New York.  Veterinarians at the prestigious Cancer Research Facility at Cornell Weill Medical School announced today that they had devised a way to spay female cancer cells and neuter male cancer cells so that the cells are incapable of procreating and spreading throughout the human body.

“This is the most amazing discovery in the history of cancer cellmedicine,” said an emotional Dr. Benjamin Shemtov, spokesperson for the Facility.  “Using basic common sense rather than fancy computer models, the veterinarians here realized that if they could spay cats to prevent reproduction, why not cancer cells to stop their nasty spread.  I see this as possibly eliminating cancer as a health threat within the next two years.”

“Once we had the basic idea, all we needed was a pretty good microscope and some teeny forceps and scalpels,” commented Dr. Ron Kessinger, a research veterinarian and head of the Cancer Research Team.  “By the third try, I spayed a female cancer cell.  It took a little longer for the males ones because, frankly, their junk is pretty small.  But now I can do about 150 per hour without even sweating.”

President Barack Obama issued a statement praising the research.  “Once more American ingenuity has essentially saved the world from a horrible scourge, despite the continued opposition of Republicans and the pharmaceutical industry. ”

MALE EQUIVALENT OF WORD “SLUT” DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Bushisms, History, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 NEW HAVEN, CT–A paper published by a Yale English professor in the prestigious Journal of the English Language reported that he and his research team have solved the ancient problem of finding the male equivalent of the word “slut.”

 Professor Fran Willoughby’s article reported that extensivemale_sexy_costume_uniform research among previously unknown letters revealed that “manwhore” was an acceptable male equivalent of “slut” in Eighth Century Norman speech. 

This startling discovery has ended the centuries-long quest for this word.  It had long been thought that the male’s genetic moral purity was deemed to make it unnecessary for the English language to develop a male version of “slut.”

Byron Whitson, head of the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language said that “Professor Willoughby’s magnificent contribution to the literature of language will immortalize him to the literati and he will likely be spoken of in the same manner as writers such as Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss.”

Sociology professor Hans Schumpf of Texas Tech University said that perhaps this discovery would open up new approaches to the study of humanking as it “sheds new light on the male race in its historical and evolutionary development.”

HISTORIANS FIND PEOPLE INVOLVED IN SEX AS EARLY AS 1930

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Leisure, Nature, Religion, Sex Matters
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

AUSTIN,TX.  A research team at the University of Texas has completed a four year study of human behavior and found that human beings had sex as early as 1930.

male female“The accepted view was that people engaged in sex only after World War II when soldiers returned from the front feeling a bit frisky,” said Dr. Oliver Ridings, principal researcher on the federally funded project. “Before that time, the academic community was unanimous in concluding that no one had thought of the idea of having sex.  It was just something that had never dawned on people, like using the computer or Michael Jordan.”

“But our research shows this to be in error.  People actually had man-woman sex as early as 1930.  We researched millions of documents, interviewed thousands of people, and even examined artwork in major galleries.  The conclusion is a slam dunk.”

Not all experts agree.  Dr. William Plank of Princeton’s Sexual Behavior Laboratory said, “It is far too early to reach the conclusions that Dr. Ridings did.  Although his research is important and could turn out to be accurate, much more data are needed before the entire course of history is revised to reflect this new information.”

Dr. Ridings said his team was now involved in exhuming bodies of people buried in the 1920’s and would apply new statistical techniques to assess whether the decomposed bodies had engaged in sexual activity during their lifetime.

The Texas research has led some internationally renowned scholars to suggest that Dr. Ridings may well be on his way to winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his stunning work.

Some religious leaders have expressed horror at the Texas results.  Pastor Elrod Given of the Faith United Baptist Church in Bel Aire, Mississippi, issued a statement condemning the Texas data as inconsistent with the Bible.

“How could it be possible that people engaged in that kind of stuff before 1930 when only a few years before that time Eve emerged from Adam’s body rather than from that kind of stuff?  If people were doing that kind of stuff, don’t you think Eve would have been born rather than fashioned from Adam’s body?” asked Pastor Given.

THREE MORE VIRGINS FOUND IN SAN FRANCISCO: TOTAL NOW ELEVEN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Geography, Human Body, Sex Matters
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

virgins  SAN FRANCISCO.  A research team from the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF), Medical School released results of a three-year intensive study of the physical condition of male, female,  and transgender San Franciscans and reported it had located three more virgins, bringing the known total to eleven.

 For some time the common knowledge in the San Francisco medical community was that there were only eight virgins living in San Francisco.  Many environmental groups were concerned that the number may decline further until San Francisco’s virgin popoulation was essentially extinct.

The extensive study by the prestigious UCSF Medical School located three more and produced shock waves throughout the city.  “I am shocked, shocked,” said Clarence Foster, Dean of the UCSF Medical School.  “Who would have guessed that there were that many?  The new results should give us hope that the condition may be spreading throughout the city and that extinction is less likely than previously thought.”

 “I just don’t believe it.  No way,” exclaimed Denise Alexander, a long-time resident of South Bay.  “I have lived in San Francisco all my life and I only encountered one virgin ever.  And she got over it pretty fast.”

 President Bush commented on the report at his weekly press conference.  “I am so pleased to report we are finally winning the war against unvirginicity,” he said.  “My administration has made heroic efforts to reduce the incidence of naughty behavior in this country and it is obvious we are succeeding.  I applaud the wonderful people of San Francisco, except for those of the gay persuasion, and urge them to continue their quest for righteous living.”