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ARMY ISSUES SNUGGIES TO ALL SOLDIERS

Washington, DC.  The Department of the Army today announced that starting early next year it would issue camouflage Snuggies, the fleece blanket with sleeves, to all soldiers stationed anywhere in the world. “The Army has been looking for the UCO (Universal... Read More

MALE EQUIVALENT OF WORD “SLUT” DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Bushisms, History, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 NEW HAVEN, CT–A paper published by a Yale English professor in the prestigious Journal of the English Language reported that he and his research team have solved the ancient problem of finding the male equivalent of the word “slut.”

 Professor Fran Willoughby’s article reported that extensivemale_sexy_costume_uniform research among previously unknown letters revealed that “manwhore” was an acceptable male equivalent of “slut” in Eighth Century Norman speech. 

This startling discovery has ended the centuries-long quest for this word.  It had long been thought that the male’s genetic moral purity was deemed to make it unnecessary for the English language to develop a male version of “slut.”

Byron Whitson, head of the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language said that “Professor Willoughby’s magnificent contribution to the literature of language will immortalize him to the literati and he will likely be spoken of in the same manner as writers such as Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss.”

Sociology professor Hans Schumpf of Texas Tech University said that perhaps this discovery would open up new approaches to the study of humanking as it “sheds new light on the male race in its historical and evolutionary development.”

OBAMA CHOSEN AS MISS AMERICA

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms
Posted on 24-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

NEW YORK–President Barack Obama added to his list of awards by being selected as Miss America 2009 at the annual Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

 Similar to his Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama had not sought the Miss America title and had not participated in the tedious process involving a number of competitions.

 Nevertheless, the selection committee rejected the fifty candidates and gave the honor to him.  The announcement was part of a statement that said, “We know we are breaking new ground in selecting a male as Miss America, but the Committee was aware that times have changed and obama-palin-mediacircusit was appropriate to add diversity to the pageant.  Not only is Mr. Obama a person of mixed race and of the male gender, he also is a good basketball player and is President of the United States.  We have never had a Miss America who shares all four of these characteristics. 

 “We look forward to continuing the process of reaching out to new constituencies in future Miss America competitions and we congratulate President Obama on another important achievement.”

 President Obama’s office issued a public statement “humbly accepting this award though so many others were more deserving.”  A member of Mr. Obama’s staff, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said that Obama had always wanted to be Miss America but thought he would not be a serious candidate for many years and perhaps even never.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney issued a brief statement:  “We always knew he was a sissy.  How could you trust Miss America to protect us from the real threat of terrorism?”

Former President George W. Bush congratulated Obama on the novel achievement.  “I wish him well with his new responsibilities in repesenting North, South, Latin, Central, and Middle America in future beauty paginations.  I am sure he will represent us good.”

NEW LETTER OF ALPHABET DISCOVERED

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Inventions, Literature, Nature
Posted on 23-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

LONDON.  Scientists at the Cambridge University Planetarium announced today that they have discovered a new letter of the alphabet located between “R” and “S.”

“We were using our Newton Telescope, the most powerful in the world, and stumbled on the new letter between “R” and “S,” said Dr. Nigel Hawthorne of the Cambridge Observatory.

alphabet-letters “We weren’t even actually looking for it.  Our attention was on the possibility of a new planet, but were we shocked at our discovery!”

 “We have tentatively named the new letter ‘Thud’ which seemed to fit perfectly between “R” and “S.”   It resembles a circle with a dead snake in it and hair on top of the circle.  It is actually quite pretty,” claimed Hawthorne.

 “Plus, the letter ‘thud’ is consistent with the “A,B,C” song, which can still be sung with the new letter in it,” Dr. Hawthorne reported.

 As one would expect, the discovery has sent shock waves throughout the world.  The Wall Street Journal announced it would add the new letter in its alphabetical listing of stock prices and several dictionary companies have issued a recall of their products which are now obsolete.

 The producers of alphabet soup have already included the new letter.

President Bush praised the discovery as once again proving that “America is on the foremount of scientific quests.”  When reminded that the discovery was made by English rather than American scientists, the President apologized for the error and said that he had momentarily forgotten that England was no longer an American colony.

BUSH ADDS 27,000 WORDS TO DICTIONARY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Inventions, Literature
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

BushWASHINGTON.  Using a long-forgotten presidential power, President Bush today added 27.000 new words to the Official United States Government Dictionary, a result likely to be followed by all other dictionary publishers.

 In reaction to criticism that some of President Bush’s words were not really words and were not in any dictionary, President Bush issued Executive Order 2007-52-19 that added over 27.000 new words to the official dictionary of the U.S. Government.

 “Now they can’t say I don’t speak words because now my speakage is really real words,” said President Bush at his weekly press conference.

 The new words include “nucular,” “decider,””speakage,”  and “canditity.”  Other additions and their official definitions are: “virginocity,””flubber” (“a person who makes a mistake”),”flubbee” (“a person who is made a mistake to”), “legalisticism” (“state of being legally correct”), “wino” (“a person who complains all the time”), “preecious” (“a person who can predict the future”), and “soldierofmassdestruction”(“an American fighting man and/or woman”).

 Dr. Wendell Pruitt of the Harvard English department applauded the President “for his singular contribution to the English language.”  “It is so refreshing to have a President who takes language seriously,” said Dr. Pruitt.

 The publishers of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary issued a press release praising the President and indicating that the 27,000 words would appear in the next edition of their dictionary.

GORE WINS PULITZ SURPRISE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, History, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

AL GOREWASHINGTONB.  Former Vice President Al Gore added the Pulitz Surprise to his long list of significant honors.

 The Pulitz Surprise, usually–though not always–awarded to the person who receives the most popular votes for President of the United States but is not elected to that position, was given today to former Vice President Al Gore for his achievements in the 2000 presidential election by both winning and losing at the same time.

 Established by the family of George Pulitz, who invented gravity, the award could be given as frequently as every four years.  The recipient must have “accomplished something unique in the annals of civililation, such as winning and losing the United States Presidency in the same year. ”  Carrying a cash prize of $4 million, it is one of most financially rewarding honors in the world. 

 Speaking at a global conference in Thailand, Mr. Gore was very pleased at the selection.  “I am humbled by being chosen for the Pulitz Surprise,” Mr. Gore said in a press conference.  “This is the honor I really wanted, even more than the presidency or the Nobel Prize for Peace.  I want to thank the Pulitz family and their selection committee.  I assure them that I will strive to be worthy of their trust.”

Previous recipients include Senator John Kerry was was both for and against the war in Iraq, President George Bush who is credited with reinventing the English language, and radio host Rush Limbaugh for his work advocating that the homeless be sold cigars at discount prices on cold nights.

FAKE LAUGH ACTORS STRIKE, STOPPING SITCOM PRODUCTIONS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Arts, Bushisms, Leisure, Tragedies
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

 old-man-laughingLOS ANGELES.  The International Brotherhood of Fake Laugh Artists began a strike that stopped production of all sitcoms and caused the stock market to plunge.

 The fake laugh artists contract expired at midnight two weeks ago and the union’s members voted yesterday to begin an immediate strike.  The key issue is residuals for reruns.  Union members, who provide the fake laughs that are an integral part of every sitcom, seek pay equal to that of the major actors in the sitcoms.

 Reacting to the strike, all sitcoms ceased production and the world stock market retreated an average of 20%.  Criminologists in the United States and Bangladesh have expressed concerns  that the lack of sitcoms on nightly television could result in a substantial increase in crime and may even boost the birth rate as people no longer want to watch television for several hours every night.

 Union officials said the strike was long overdo.  “The truth is,” said union president Fay Anderson, “that the actors who perform the fake laughs for sitcoms are every bit as talented as the actors who recite the lines in front of the cameras.  We are the ones who make the sitcoms funny and worth watching.”

 “Without us,” continued Anderson, “the jokes and sketches on sitcoms would not be the least bit hilarious.”  “Plus,” she said, “how would people even know that they had been told a joke or pun or seen something really funny without our talented union members?”

 Speaking for the Association of Sitcom Producers, Gerald Pitler disagreed.  “I admit that the actors who provide fake laughs are very talented and skilled, but I do think they should be paid the same as the principal actors on the sitcoms.  Are they actually saying that someone who does fake laughter for the Seinfeld program should be compensated the same as Jerry Seinfeld?”

 Because of the national impact of the strike, President Bush has offered the services of federal mediators to resolve it.  At his weekly press conference, President Bush said,  “I think the performers and the laughers should get together and solutionate this problem.  We must not forget that our brave men and women in Iraq and other combative places need sitcoms to relieve the tension of being in a tense place.”

PRESIDENT BUSH CONDEMNS AL QUAEDA AND OTHER MUSLIMIST SUPPORTERS

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, History, Politics, Religion
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

UPPER MENNETONKA.  In a speech to the VFW in Upper Minnetonka, Minnesota, President Bush made a scathing attack on what he called the “interfidelity of the Muslimists.”  bush giving finger

 Speaking before a friendly crowd of 450 people wearing thin black VFW hats, President Bush, also adorned in a VFW  hat that kept falling off during his speech, creating a sea of laughter in the room,  noted that at least all and perhaps even more of  the present problems in the world are attributed to one source: Islamic Muslimists.  Despite the fact that his speech was interrupted by standing applause after each sentence, Mr. Bush was able to express his strong views with firmness and compelling logic.

 First noting that Al Quaeda is responsible for much misery and destruction, he condemned Osama Bin Laden and anything else obviously supporting the Al Quaeda cause.  Those getting the sharp edge of his talk included the well-known Al Quaeda supporters:  Al Capone, Al Gore, Al Jolson, Al Franken, Al Roker, Al Sharpton, Al Pacino, Weird Al Jankovic, baseball player Al Kaline, and sportscaster Al Michaels.  

 He also accused the alcohol treatment program, Al-Anon, of being a front for Al Quaeda and permitting its supporters to meet and conspire against America.

 The element aluminum, identified as Al, was characterized as a serious threat to American health as intelligence reports indicate that Al Quada sympathizers are planning on using it to wrap food. 

 The President reserved his harshest words for those “gullible people” who were convinced to eat Al Quaeda’s favorite food: pasta al dente.  He also criticized those who flew on Al Quaeda’s official airline, El Al.  By Executive Order he banned the military from buying Alkaline batteries.

 President Bush then turned to the solution: the free world must “coalinsce behind the concepts of freedom and democracy and cast out governments and people who threaten the very fabric of our spaceship called democracy.”

 Many in the audience wept.  Vern Chalmers, a Viet Nam veteran, said that “if we had a man like that in the White House in 1975 we”d still be in Vietnam where we should be.”

CANDIDATE BELIEVES IN AMERICAN PEOPLE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Politics
Posted on 16-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

TULSA.  Katherine Winstead, candidate for Tulsa City Treasurer, formally announced today that she, unlike the other two candidates for the position, believesamerican_flag-183332-1strongly in the Great American People. 

 Ms. Winstead, a retired elementary school teacher running for her first elective office, issued the statement through her spokesperson, Gerald Folway.  Noting that Ms. Winstead is the only candidate willing to be honest with the American people, irrespective of the consequences, Mr. Folway promised that Ms. Winstead would take other bold positions as the campaign progresses. 

 Reaction to Ms. Winstead’s statement was swift.  Billy Thomas, a barber in West Tulsa, said that he was “stunned by her uncanny insight” and planned to vote for her.  Betsy Klein, a first year student at Tulsa Community College, said that Winstead is “like awesome” and that Klein would vote for Winstead if Klein decided to register, which was “like a hassle.”

 President George W. Bush mentioned Winstead during his monthly press conference as someone who “makes me proud to be the President of.”

HEIR MAKES MONEY THE OLD FASHIONED WAY

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

money stackNEW YORK.  Chase Abbott Hunter IV of Manhattan inherited $700 million yesterday and declared that he had made his money the old fashioned way.

 “I was not born to riches since my Dad only had about $50 million then,  but he died with over $700 million,  making me sort of the typical American folk hero,” said Hunter.

 “I believe in old fashioned values and what could be more old fashioned than inheriting a fortune?  People have been doing it for years, like kings and Bill Gates and Tiger Woods.”

 “My story should be an inspiration to generations of Americans,” he said.  “I am considering making a movie of it to be distributed free of charge to poor people all over the world.   Those who follow my example will be able to get out of the harsh poverty they face and be able to afford things like a Mercedes and even a small jet and give some money to the Republican Party as God wants us to.”

“Instead of ‘Be like Mike’ it will be,  ‘Be like Chase Abbot Hunter IV.’  This may become the world’s motto in a few years and rescue humanity from the throes of abject poverty,” said Hunter proudly.

President Bush noted the “Hunter Phenomenon” at his weekly press conference.  “I cannot tell you how proud I am that my close friend Chase is becoming such a world idol.  If more people were like him, we could illuminate poverty in our lifetime.”

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PATENT OFFICE RECOGNIZES PATENT OF AIR

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Business, Human Body, Inventions
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON.  The United States Patent Office has finally recognized that air was patented by May Ellen Pinkston, a chemist from Toledo, Ohio, in 1932.

 Though Dr. May Ellen Pinkston died in 1958, her heirs just received the good news that her patent application for air was finally acknowledged by the U.S. Patent Office. 

 Dr. Pinkston discovered the existence of air in her lab at the University of Akron in 1931 when she solved the age-old question of the function of lungs in the human body. Previously it was generally accepted that lungs only function was to produce phlegm, one of the original elements first discovered by early Greek scientists and long thought to be the chemical basis for all life.

The next year Dr. Pinkston filed a patent application which for unknown reasons was never formally recognized by the Patent Office.

 “We are really happy,” said her granddaughter Faith Pinkston Eubanks of Anchorage, Alaska.  “Now we will be able to afford a home and maybe even some furniture.”

 “We are not sure yet how we are going to market air, but tentative plans are to charge everyone on earth fifty cents a day to use it.  Considering the importance of air, we think this is a fair price.  We assume governments will have some form of assistance for people who cannot afford this rather modest cost.”

 Consumer advocate Ralph Nader said the price was a “rip off considering it cost absolutely nothing to produce air.”

 President Bush applauded the Patent Office for its decision that “once again revealed the superiorocity of the American free market system and the intelligensia of the American people.”

 [235 words]

THREE MORE VIRGINS FOUND IN SAN FRANCISCO: TOTAL NOW ELEVEN

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Geography, Human Body, Sex Matters
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

virgins  SAN FRANCISCO.  A research team from the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF), Medical School released results of a three-year intensive study of the physical condition of male, female,  and transgender San Franciscans and reported it had located three more virgins, bringing the known total to eleven.

 For some time the common knowledge in the San Francisco medical community was that there were only eight virgins living in San Francisco.  Many environmental groups were concerned that the number may decline further until San Francisco’s virgin popoulation was essentially extinct.

The extensive study by the prestigious UCSF Medical School located three more and produced shock waves throughout the city.  “I am shocked, shocked,” said Clarence Foster, Dean of the UCSF Medical School.  “Who would have guessed that there were that many?  The new results should give us hope that the condition may be spreading throughout the city and that extinction is less likely than previously thought.”

 “I just don’t believe it.  No way,” exclaimed Denise Alexander, a long-time resident of South Bay.  “I have lived in San Francisco all my life and I only encountered one virgin ever.  And she got over it pretty fast.”

 President Bush commented on the report at his weekly press conference.  “I am so pleased to report we are finally winning the war against unvirginicity,” he said.  “My administration has made heroic efforts to reduce the incidence of naughty behavior in this country and it is obvious we are succeeding.  I applaud the wonderful people of San Francisco, except for those of the gay persuasion, and urge them to continue their quest for righteous living.”

CHINESE PEOPLE REALLY UNDERSTAND CHINESE LANGUAGE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Geography
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

BEIJING.  Solving a problem that has baffled western scholars and ordinary citizens for hundreds of years, a research team from the University of Akron has definitively established that people in China can both speak and understand Chinese talk.

 Westerners have long wondered whether the Chinese language is an actual language that facilitates communication or is a joke being played on the gullible West by clever chinese-people-riding-bikesChinese pranksters, similar to the one occurring daily in Chinese restaurants with fortune cookies that really do not tell fortunes.

 Dr. Penelope Crest, head of the linguistics department at Akron, hired two Chinese people randomly selected in Bejing and asked one of them to tell the other that “Peking Duck is really good.”  When questioned by Dr. Crest about “what is really good?” the second person responded in perfect Chinese, “Peking Duck,” confirming that communication had occurred in the Chinese language.

 “This is the first time anyone has ever scientifically tested the hypothesis that Chinese people actually understand Chinese,” said an excited Dr. Crest.  “We expect this important discovery to revolutionalize the discipline of linguistics and free it to turn to even more important issues.”

 When apprised of the Akron results, President Bush said, ” I welcome the Chinese people into the world community of understanders who can both talk and be talked about in their native mouths using their real tongues.”

BUSH ADMINISTRATION ENDORSES PIG LATIN AS WORLD LANGUAGE

Posted by Farkley Bugg | Posted in Bushisms, Geography, Inventions, Politics
Posted on 15-02-2010 | E-mail this to a friend

WASHINGTON, DC.  In his first foray into fostering international understanding, President Bush announced today an initiative in which his administration would undertake serious efforts to make Pig Latin the official world language.

 At his weekly press conference, President Bush explained the bold plan:  “For many years, at least ten and maybe even fourteen, I have thought that what the world needs most is a common language so people can understand each other.  It dawned on me the other day, maybe Tuesday but it could of been Wednesday, I don’t exactly remember, that Pig Latin is the perfect world language. 

 “Think about it.,” opined the President.  ” It is already spoken fluently in Latin America and in old timey Catholic Churches and even the Pope speaks it and the people in Rome and maybe all of Italy speak it and I think most people in the three parts of Gaul do, too.

 “Plus, Pig Latin is easily understood by My Fellow Americans and others familiar with the English language.

 “Why even school children understand it.  I remember well that I finally mastered it in my second year at Yale.  My Dad was so proud. He thought I had no special talent in languages!

 “I think a world language would go far toward reducing wars and helping people eat right.  Now they all over the world will be able to read the label to see what is in their Quarter Pounder.

 “And finally people everywhere will be able to understand Hip Hop recordings.  Frankly, now I have a hard time getting some of the words.  But once Hip Hop comes out in Pig Latin, I am sure I will be able to figure out what the performers are saying.  Some of them may even be Republicans because I know of at least seven Hip Hop kind of people who are Republicans.  I am a Republican, you know.

 “I know it will require some work.  Like it will take a bit of time to say the President of Iran’s name in Pig Latin.  But I am sure that the American Creative Spirit will emulate once again and uprise to the task.”

 Reaction to the announcement was swift and predictable.  “The boldest, most thoughtful and creative concept ever formulated by an American President or any other leader in the history of the world,” commented Carl Rove, the President’s close friend and former political advisor.

 “He’s an idiot,” said all Democratic Presidential candidates in a pithy, concise joint statement.