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BIRTH CERTIFICATE PROVES O’BAMA IS IRISH

Dublin, Ireland.  After years of speculation about the birth of President O’Bama, an anonymous source produced the official birth certificate of the President and established conclusively that he was born in Cork, Ireland, and was named Barney O’Bama... Read More

PHARMACEUTICAL MIRACLE: PILLS HAVE ONLY HARMFUL EFFECTS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 27-04-2015 in Business, History, Human Body, Inventions, Nature, Studies of the Rich
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photoStockholm: The pharmaceutical giant Novamed has just released the first-ever pills that have absolutely no medicinal value but have over one hundred possible adverse side effects, including death,  shrunken testicles, and loss of virginity.

The new product, called OnleeBadium, has a four-page, bold-faced label listing 117 bad side effects. The manufacturer will soon begin an advertising campaign calling OnleeBadium the “Most Honest Drug on the Planet.”

First this ground-breaking product states in bold, capital 16 point font:  THIS PRODUCT HAS NO KNOWN OR UNKNOWN MEDICAL USE.

Continuing the admirably transparent approach, the label then specifies some of the more serious potential side effects, including, in bold letters, SUDDEN AND PAINFUL DEATH, INTERNAL BLEEDING, BONE LOSS, HAIR THINNING OR LOSS, PIMPLES, SORE MUSCLES, MUSCLE ATROPHY, LOSS OF VIRGINITY, ERECTILE DISFUNCTION, BODY SHRINKAGE, DEAFNESS, BLINDNESS, FINGERNAIL LOSS, TONGUE PAIN, TONSIL ENLARGEMENT, LUNG BLOCKAGE OR TOTAL LACK OF LUNG FUNCTION, HEART VALVE DESTRUCTION, MEASLES, BUMPS, ENLARGED GIZZARD, POLIO, COMMON COLD, ACUTE FATTY LIVER, ACHALASIA, FOCAL DYSTONIA, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, HYPODONTIA OF INCISORS AND PREMOLARS, LEPTOSPIROSIS, MASTOCYTOSIS, POLYCYTHEMIA VERA, SENOR SYNDROME, SYNDACTYLY TYPE 3, XANTHINURIA TYPES 1 AND 2, 11-BETA-HYDROXYLAST DEFICIENCY, CONE-ROD DYSTROPHY 2, CHORDOMA, BOURNEVILLE SYNDROME, CIGUATERA FISH POISONING, DFNB1, FRIAS SYNDROME, HEMORRHAGIC FEVER, IDIOPATHIC JUXTAFOVEAL RETINAL TELANGIECT, INFAN TILE AXONAL NEUROPATHY, LICHEN PLANUS PIGMENTOSUS, MICHELIN TIRE BABY SYNDROME, MYCETOMA, SARCOIDOSIS, SPONDYLOCOSTAL DYSOSTOSIS 1, IODINE ANTENATAL INFECTION, INFANTILE STRIATO THALAMIC DEGENERATION, FOX-FORDYCE DISEASE, AND JUBERG MARSIDI SYNDROME.

As soon as OnleeBadium was released, the stock of Novamed tripled in value as venture capitalists throughout the world rushed to invest in this first-ever miracle drug.

Walter Bailey, a welder in Manchester, England, expressed the almost universal reaction when he told a reporter, “I can’t wait to buy OnleeBadium. Next week you can get it without a prescription at my local chemist. The cost is high but I think it will be worth it. What an opportunity to experience something new!”

ADORABLE GIRL ANNOUNCES FOR PRESIDENTIAL RUN IN 2056

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 22-04-2015 in Business, Election 2056, History, Politics
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unnamed[3]NEW YORK.  In a startling announcement, a really cute five-month old baby has formally announced she is a Democrat candidate for President of the United States in 2056 and has provided a platform likely to be quite attractive to many voters.

“I am sick and tired of these politicians,” said Charlotte Kennedy from her crib in a Manhattan apartment [see photo on right] where she was already practicing her acceptance speech.  “Blah, blah, blah.  That’s all they say,” she said.  “We need courageous solutions, not just words.”  She then slobbered a slight amount and announced her bold Ten Points for America.”

  1. I will be for the American people who are all Outstanding Americans, even those who don’t really look like it.
  2. I think America is the best country in the world and Americans are the smartest, most creative, and mightiest people on earth and all other countries suck.
  3. I will not waste money, decrease expenditures, or increase taxes.  Government assistance for child care or milk subsidies is not wasting money.
  4. I will work with members of all parties in order to get diaper changing tables in men’s bathrooms all over this great country.
  5. I will enact tax reform to simplify the tax code without compromising important provisions and will increase the tax exemption for adorable children.
  6. I will solve the immigration problem without providing amnesty or letting in people who should not be let in.
  7. I will encourage SAFE gun practices including limiting childrens’ access to machine guns, bazookas, and small atomic weapons.
  8. I will protect the air and water while providing an environment allowing businesses to flourish without job-killing government regulations.  My first act as President will be to issue a regulation stating that putting a slide in a park is not harmful to the environment.
  9. I will have a strong role in international events without committing American money or troops anywhere.
  10. I will not steal anything from the White House.

Randolph Macon, head of the local Democratic Party, called Ms. Kennedy “a breath of fresh air.  Just what the people need.”  Macon’s sentiment was echoed by street interviews.  A few signs have even appeared, declaring “Kennedys Make Great Presidents” and “It’s Time for Another Kennedy.”

SURVEY: TELEVISION PERSONALITY AND WARLORD ARE BEST JOBS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 16-03-2015 in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Sports, Studies of the Rich
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what-you-need-to-do-at-career-fairs_16001154_800833131_0_0_14037941_500[1]Washington.  The International Survey Foundation announced the results of its first poll of The Best Job in the World, showing marked and unexpected diversity among regions.

The poll of random people in 168 countries produced some startling results. Each respondent was asked to name “the best job in the world.”   In the United States, by far the most preferred career was “Television Personality.”  Most respondents reasoned that this is the only full time job where you can get paid millions and have no idea why or have anything to do.  “Professional Athlete” was a distant second among Americans.  The third choice was “Having a Rich Daddy” though some academics have questioned whether this is really a job.  “Getting a Fat Allowance”, however, was universally considered to be a legitimate job and finished ninth in the American poll.

In Afghanistan the results were quite different.   Over 90% of respondents indicated that being a “Warlord” was the best job in the world.  “Goat Herding” was a distant second followed by “Shooting People.”  Interestingly, ”Shooting People” was only eleventh in the American poll.

The only unanimous poll occurred in Australia where 100% of 84,000 respondents said “Being in a Beer Commercial” was the best job in the world.

No surprisingly, the Vatican poll showed “Being Pope” as a popular choice.  However, there was a strange and unexplained divergence since over 100,000 males overwhelmingly voted this way but only three women did.

 

MISSISSIPPI ADDS RIGHT SHOE AS OFFICIAL STATE SHOE

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 02-03-2015 in Behavioral Psychology, Business, Geography, History, Inventions, Leisure, Politics
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259196_stock-photo-old-bootJackson, Mississippi.  As part of a larger plan to attract businesses and tourists to Mississippi, Governor Buddy Ray Baldwin announced that the legislature had just selected the right shoe as the Official Shoe of Mississippi.

“For several years now our progressive legislature has been enacting laws designed to make Mississippi even more appealing to businesses and tourists from all over the world,” said Governor Baldwin.  “When someone pointed out we have an official Tree and an Official Bird but do not have an Official Shoe, the legislature sprong (sic) into action.   A subcommittee was formed in each house, over 600 extensive hearings were conducted both in Jackson and around the State, and it became clear that the citizens of this Great State wanted the right shoe as their Official Shoe. This became even more compelling when the Senate Committee discovered that Mississippi would be the first state in the Union to have an Official State Shoe. ”

“The right shoe was selected, “continued the Governor, “because it shows clearly that this Great State is right-leaning and God-fearing;  not one of the Communist left-leaning States like California and New York.  I understand they are both considering making marijuana their state plant.  In contrast, our decision shows plainly that Mississippians are working folk because every worker in the State wears a right shoe;  it is required by safety laws.”

Yoguna Tagasaki, head of site selection for Toyota, issued a public statement about the news.  “Before Mississippi adopted the right shoe as its Official Shoe, frankly Toyota had eliminated it for consideration for our next mega-factory in the U.S.  But now the ball game has changed.  In our assessment, Mississippi has become a leader in the competition for the factory.  We seek a progressive environment and what could be more creative and progressive than the adoption of an Official Shoe.”

In response to Mississippi’s bold and seemingly successful action, at least twenty other states are now exploring adopting their own Official Shoe as part of the cutthroat business of attracting jobs.  Delaware is even considering the adoption of its Official Shoe, Glove, Sock, Baseball Bat, Word, Pretzel. Ice Cream, Color, Lego Piece, Cosmetic Surgery, and Garden Tool.

 

 

FRENCH ADOPT CARRY LAW FOR GUILLOTINE

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 02-03-2015 in Business, Geography, History, Human Body, Inventions, Politics
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PARIS.  In an effort to stem the spate of terroristic violence after the Charlie Hebdo murders, today the French legislature responded to conservative groups and approved the world’s first guillotine carry law.sotn mini guillotine

The new law permits Parisians to possess and carry their own personal guillotine.  French law already recognizes self defense, which means Parisians may now use their personal guillotine in addition to knives and fists to protect themselves.

“This is the greatest moment in French history,” proclaimed Claude Dumont, a 34 year-old unemployed carpenter.  “Until now, we had no effective way of protecting ourselves from ISIS and other terrorists that so freely behead people they do not like.  Now anyone in Paris can behead someone trying to behead them.  We can fight fire with fire as the Americans say.  I can’t wait to use my new Mini Guillotine.”

Not all French agree with Dumont.  Fannie Latour who works in a small coffee shop in the Sorbonne area of Paris said she is now more afraid than ever.  “I know one day a robber will come in, reach in his pocket and pull out his guillotine, and take all our money after threatening to behead anyone who resists.  We would be powerless to do anything!”

In anticipation of this new law, several French factories have begun producing hand-held guillotines.  The most popular is called the Napoleon because of its small size.  It weighs only fourteen ounces and is barely three inches tall and one inch wide.  It is designed to be concealed in a jacket pocket or purse and has a quick-release blade to facilitate instant beheadings.  It can also be used to cut tomatoes.

COURT REQUIRES INTERPRETER FOR ILLITERATE’S EYE TEST

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 02-03-2015 in Behavioral Psychology, History, Human Body, Language, Politics
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San Rafael, CA. In a precedent-setting decision, a California judge ordered the California Department of Motor Vehicles to provide, free of charge, an interpreter to assist illiterate people taking the driver’s license eye test.
eye chartHolding that the Equal Protection Clause protects “the literate as well as the unliterate.” Judge Phoebe Winebauer held that impoverished illiterate people taking the eye exam required for a driver’s license in California must be given the services of a qualified interpreter. “How can even the person with perfect vision be expected to pass the eye test which uses letters and numbers if the person cannot read?” asked Judge Winebauer. “I refuse to allow such discrimination. We are equal or we are not equal but the law will not tolerate us being both unless we are one or the other,” she opined in a carefully nuanced 400 page opinion.

Governor Jerry Brown applauded the decision and immediately ordered the State to hire 250 interpreters to be assigned to every DMV location where eye examinations are offered.

At the San Rafael DMV office, Hector Alvarez, age 96,  who is both illiterate and has been blind since birth proudly stepped up to the eye examination machine and took his first eye test. Standing next to him was Rebecca Morris, a 21 year-old high school dropout with perfect vision who was recently hired to assist “literacy-challenged” people like Mr. Alvarez.

Mr. Alvarez peered into the machine, then moved back as Ms. Morris looked inside. “Line 12 is R, B, P. 6. D. 9” she whispered to Alvarez. Grinning, he repeated “line 12, R, B, P …” and was interrupted by the DMV agent administering the test. “Good job, Mr. Alvarez,” said the agent. “You passed. I don’t need to proceed further.”

“Only in America is this possible,” said a beaming Mr. Alvarez. “I could not even have dreamed I could get a driver’s license, but now I have one. I can’t wait to take my great grandchildren on a long drive!

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE FINALLY ADDS “SHOE” TO OLYMPIC GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 02-03-2015 in Behavioral Psychology, Geography, History, Inventions, Sports
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iphone pictures 2-2015 055Berlin. In response to widespread public pressure from every corner of the globe, the International Olympic Committee has finally added “shoe” to the 2020 Winter Olympic Games.  It is expected at least 175 countries will enter both individual and team competitions.

Reflecting the social media-prompted craze, the game of shoe has essentially taken over the world sport scene. Attendance at soccer, baseball, and American football is at an all-time low. On September 16, 2014, for example, while only 18 people saw the New York Yankees play the Boston Red Sox for the American league championship, many millions were at home playing shoe and an estimated one billion people in 120 countries watched the nail-biting match between top-rated teams from Iceland and Kenya, won by Kenya on the last play of the contest.

A deceptively simply game, shoe involves strategically placing two shoes on the outside (cannot be on the inside) of a door but no more than eight inches from the door itself. Points are allocated based on the type of shoe, the angle(s) and heights of the shoes, and, most importantly, the creativity in using the limited space and the two shoes.

Players take turns manipulating the shoes with points allocated after each move. The photo to the upper right depicts the Wymann Gambit first played in 1994 by Alphonse Wymann of the Netherlands who placed two crossed orange flip flop shoes in the center of the door with one resting on its heel and the other on its toe and, obviously, won the match with the best total score in the history of the game.   No one had ever made this innovative play before and Wymann was the unanimous choice as the 1997 Shoe Player of the Year.

The game is over when the referees declare “time” and declare a winner. A unique feature of shoe is that the winner is not necessarily the person with the higher point score or even with a decent score. The refs have the discretion to declare the winner to be the athlete with the lower score. In addition, the referees decide how long the match lasts, ranging from a few seconds to four months. This unusual approach to timekeeping and scoring keeps fans’interest at a feverish high until the winner is announced.

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE STUMPED OVER SCORING NEW “MEAN” SPORT

Posted by Sullivan Lawson on 28-08-2012 in Geography, Politics, Sports
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ATHENS. The Scoring Committee of the International Olympics Committee has reached an impasse over how to score the new Olympic sport of “being mean” to be first offered at the 2016 Summer Games.

Four years ago the International Committee approved “being mean” as a sport in a commendable effort to fully recognize the important contributions made by “every segment of humanity.”  Primarily advocated by warlords from Afghanistan and Somalia and two former military officers from the Balkans who are sought by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity, the competitors will have to exhibit “inappropriate cruelty” toward various categories of vulnerable people, such as the elderly or orphans.

In order to provide specific guidance to the international cast of judges for this competition, the Scoring Committee has been considering various combinations of objective skills such as the creative use of force, elegant harsh words, offensive tone of voice, and mean-but-not-too-mean facial expressions.

The new sport has triggered a host of issues surrounding who is eligible to participate in the 2016 Summer Games. Warlords from 16 areas of Afghanistan and 37 parts of Africa have already filed the necessary petitions to be recognized as Sovereign Areas which can send four-man teams to compete. Two biker gangs and four German skinhead groups have also submitted applications.

Hector Lopez, speaking for the Olympics Committee, released a statement that “we fully expect to sort through the petitions in plenty of time for the athletes to prepare for this exciting new competition.”

OLYMPICS ADD KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE TELLING FOR 2016

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 13-08-2012 in Arts, Geography, History, Sports
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2016 Olympians

ATHENS. The International Olympics Committee shocked the sports world by announcing even another innovation for the 2016 Summer Games: knock-knock joke telling.

As reported first in Sort of the News in October 2011, the Committee already added six new games for 2016: killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.

The most recent announcement by Hector Lopez for the Committee involves telling the most knock-knock jokes in 1 minute, 37 seconds. The rules require the athlete to assume both roles in the knock-knock dialogue which must be presented in either English or standard sign language. The athlete must laugh sincerely after each knock-knock joke for at least 3 seconds.

“We are continuing to listen to the billions of Olympic fans who have demanded the new sport which has overtaken the international imagination,” said Lopez. “While in the past the youngest athlete to compete was 15 years old, with the new knock-knock sport we anticipate athletes as young as four and as old as 107 may be able to enter the contest.”

Boring Man Named Bob Changes Name to boB for Excitement

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 06-08-2012 in Behavioral Psychology, Language, Leisure
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Topeville Kansas.  After being voted the Most Boring Man at the Factory, Bob Smith officially changed hs name to boB Smith to add some spice to his life.

Smith, a quiet 50 year-old man who had worked in the Utex Factory warehouse for 32 years, received the “honor” at the annual employees’ annual banquet where he was given a tee shirt memorializing the award. “Frankly, it hurt my feelings,” said Smith. “Then I decided that there may be a bit of truth in the award.  So I decided to take a bold step to electrify my image.  I went to court and had my first name changed to boB from Bob.”

“I think it helped,” he reported. “I have seen a slight change from how people react to me when I tell them my name is boB and ask them to use my new name instead of the boring “Bob.”  I even pronounce the new one differently, saying “My name is boB—uhh” to provide the proper emphasis on the last letter of my new name.”

An attractive co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous, told a reporter that the change has had a big impact at the warehouse.  “All the girls are talking about it and more than a few say that boB–uhh is a lot sexier than he used to be when he went by plain old Bob.” 

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FIND REAL OPENING TO HELL IN CENTRAL PARK DIG

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 05-12-2011 in Geography, History, Nature, Religion
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New York.   Archaeologists from the famed Museum of Natural History confirmed that a research team digging in northwest Central Park found the actual entrance to Hell located about two feet beneath the surface near a trash bin.

“Our research team was stunned, to say the least,” said Dr. Frances Martin, head of the project.  “We were looking for artifacts from the revolutionary war and came upon a rather large opening about twenty feet in diameter that seemed very warm inside.  We inserted a probe about 100 feet and recorded a significant increase in temperature in the deeper regions.”

“As soon as I realized that we had discovered the entryway to Hell, we immediately covered up the hole to prevent anyone from inadvertently falling in,” continued Martin.  “We are now discussing whether to continue research in the area or abandon the project and let well enough alone.”

Religious leaders from around the world have widely condemned the research as invading the province of the churches.  “Hell is our business, not some scientist,” said a high-ranking member of a fundamentalist church who refused to be identified because of concerns that he may go to Hell if discovered.  Jewish leaders agreed though noted that their faith does not exactly embrace the concept of Hell.

The only significant group to demand further exploration was the biker group “Hell’s Angels.”  Albert “Snuffer” Haynes, speaking for the club, demanded “immediate access to the site so his club members could experience what Hell is really like,” an experience Haynes claimed was protected by the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom to travel.  Haynes did not rule out the possibility that the Angels would try to make Hell their official headquarters.  “We are consulting counsel about it,” he said.

 

OWL GIVES BIRTH TO OWL-BOY; FATHER UNKNOWN

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 02-12-2011 in Animals, Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature, Sex Matters
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TOLEDO.  In the middle of the night  Ralph the Owl gave birth to a half owl, half human baby to the amazement of staff at the Toledo zoo.

“Apparently Ralph should have been named Susan,” said an embarrassed zoo veterinarian who refused to identify himself.  “We blew it, I guess.  We have had Ralph—I mean Susan—for twelve years and thought he was a he.  I hate to say that no one actually looked.”

When asked about the half owl, half human baby, the same veterinarian said that this was not shocking. “Animals and humans have combined for years.  Have you ever heard of Tarzan?  Yogi Berra? This is the first example of a half owl, half person but we have long known it was theoretically possible,” said the anonymous vet.

“We do not know who the father is but we are checking closely to see who had access to Ralph.  If we find the scoundrel, some kind of child support lawsuit may be instituted.”

“We are going to have a national contest to name the tyke,” announced Felipe Bossert, publicist for the zoo.   “In the meantime, we are taking excellent care of the baby.  He has already begun to say a baby version of ‘ooooo.  And he really seems to like spiders and worms.”

PEANUT EVOLVED FROM DUCK; NOT OTHER WAY AROUND

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 14-11-2011 in Animals, History, Nature
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Cambridge, England.  In a modern version of the chicken-egg controversy, geneticists at Cambridge University have solved the ancient question of whether a peanut evolved from a duck or whether a duck evolved from a peanut or a rock.

Using the latest DNA techniques, Cambridge scientists have concluded their ten-year project examining the DNA of peanuts, rocks, and ducks.   Sir Henry Flatstone, speaking for the Cambridge Genetics Project, announced that the working group has “conclusively established that peanuts evolved from ducks despite previous scientific conjecture that ducks came from peanuts.  We also investigated the theory, started by Euclid and held by a handful of geneticists, that ducks evolved from rocks.”

“Once we gave it a go after a few years of lassitude, we were able to extract a full set of DNA from a peanut, a rock and a duck,” said Flatstone. “Our computers then compared them at sixteen million separate points and found, though there were remarkable similarities, that ducks came first.  Peanuts began to develop when a dwarf molecule at the 17th chromosome of a mallard duck somehow changed into what is likely a tiny peanut that resembled a very small Pee Wee Herman but evolved over the next two million years into the peanut we know today.  Rocks, it turned out, are not related to any known animal, including ducks, and so are a separate species.”

The scientific community, not surprisingly, was buzzing about the discovery and more than one geneticist predicted that Flatstone could be on his way to a Nobel Prize in something or other.

PERRY LIMITED IN MATH SKILLS SAYS SECOND GRADE TEACHER

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 10-11-2011 in Election 2012, Geography, Politics
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Paint Creek, TX.   Rick Perry’s second grade teacher, Matilda Gonzalez, explained Governor Rick Perry’s inability in a Republican debate to remember the third of three federal departments he would close .  She recalled that he never learned to count to more than two.

“He was a bit, well, not the sharpest spur on the boots,” said Gonzalez who taught Perry when he was a seven year-old child in the small West Texas town of Paint Creek. “All the other kids in the second grade could count to 100 but poor Ricky was stuck on two.  He just couldn’t get in his mind that there were numbers above two.”

“We worried about him, of course, but were confident he would not have to use his rather poor math skills doing day labor in Paint Creek.  We were shocked when he became a politician.  But then we realized that where could you get a good job other than politics if you couldn’t count above two.”

CUTE KID ACTUALLY RAISED BY PUMPKINS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 10-11-2011 in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Nature
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Arlington, VA.  The Child Protective League announced that it had discovered a cute two-year-old tot who was actually raised by a family of pumpkins.

James Gobbert, an investigator for the League,  did not expect to find what he found when he responded to a report of a suspicious family life for William Walters, an adorable two-year-old boy.  Going to the child’s home, Gobbert  was shocked to discover it was inhabited by a large family of orange pumpkins.  The Leader of the Pumpkins, whose name was Big Orange, said that someone left Walters on the doorstep almost two years ago and the family voted to adopt him.

Gobbert immediately took the child into custody and raced to a local hospital’s emergency room where physicians found him to be perfectly healthy.  “I was surprised, “said Gobbert. “The kid was adorable, well adjusted, and happy, so I took him back to his pumpkin family and closed the file. No reason to waste time on kids in good homes when there are so many ones who need help.”

OLYMPIC GAMES RETURN TO ROOTS WITH WEIRD NEW GAMES

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 10-11-2011 in Geography, History, Leisure, Sports
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ATHENS.  The International Olympics Committee today announced a major return to historical roots and added six traditional games and deleted four current groups of events.

The press release stated that the Committee decided to reinvigorate the Olympics by returning to the games that were played when the Olympics were first held in 776 BC.   “We must go back to our roots when the games were convened in Olympia in honor of Zeus,” said Hector Lopez for the Olympics Committee.

Starting in 2014, six new sports will be added:  killing someone, running from a tiger, getting impaled by a sword, drinking mead, getting revenge, and walking like a duck.

Because of time constraints, the following sports will no longer be sanctioned:  all track and field events, all events involving snow, and anything using a ball.

Lopez said proudly, “To further experience our origins, we will now start the games by sacrificing 100 oxen.  Our officials will use sundials to time the events and everyone, including swimmers, must wear a toga.  It will be a true renaissance!”

The world sporting community reacted enthusiastically to the changes.  “Track and field and skiing were getting boring,” said Woljkxwrr Bprwqthxbwz of the Polish Olympic Community.  “Our athletes are already beginning to train for the exciting new events.”

 

MCDONALD’S SOLVES WORLD HUNGER WITH GIANT BURGER CONTAINING 42,000 CALORIES

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 04-11-2011 in Food, Human Body, Leisure
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Oak Brook, Ill.  McDonald’s announced today the invention of its Superdupergigantichugeburger, which is twenty-six inches tall and contains over 42,000 calories, and will literally reduce malnutrition throughout the world.

“In our quest to have McDonald’s provide an answer to food shortages around the world, our research team has long been working on a sandwich that would literally substitute for several months of food needs,” said Clipper Rotunda a spokesperson for McDonald’s.  “I am so proud to announce we have succeeded.  If a starving child or adult eats one of our Superdupergigantichugeburgers, he or she will not need any more food for at least sixty days.  Our preliminary research shows that newborn babies are especially fond of the taste of this delicious sandwich.”

World reaction was prompt and positive. A press release by the United Nations stated, “Rarely has a private company solved a pervasive international tragedy.  McDonald’s has done this.  We are now in the process of ordering twenty-two million Superedupergigantichugeburgers to relieve starvation of every man, woman and child in Eastern Africa .”

The news caused McDonald’s stock to soar because of projected massive purchases by the United Nations and McDonald’s outlets in Mississippi .

Though McDonald’s was vague in describing the new sandwich, sources within the McDonald research team reported it contained 32 pounds of meat, was 25 inches in diameter, and included 9 heads of lettuce, 14 onions, 67 pickle slices, and both ketchup and a secret mustard recipe.

 

SCIENTISTS BAFFLED: MAN DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 25-10-2011 in Behavioral Psychology, Human Body, Language
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EFFINBURGH, SCOTLAND.    Scientists at the prestigious University of Effinburgh were shocked to
discover a sheepherder named Lien Nehoc who actually dreamed he was awake when he was not.

Nehoc first went to his family doctor, Melinda Brogan, to discuss dreams that were making him anxious.  When the sheepherder told Brogan that a few nights before he had dreamt he was awake tending sheep at his small farm in Newfordshire, Brogan immediately called her husband, psychiatrist Peter Brogan, for advice.

Since neither doctor had heard of a person who actually dreamed of being awake, Brogan called his former mentor at Effinburgh medical school.  Professor Lawrence Soland also was unfamiliar with the phenomenon despite being the world’s foremost expert on dreams.

“Until Peter called me, neither I nor anyone else had ever even imagined someone asleep could dream of being awake.  The accepted view was that people who were daydreaming and awake could dream of being asleep, but no one could do the opposite. This opens up a whole new area of research for sleep scientists.  Now who knows what the Brannum Foci of the brain are capable of producing?”

Internet chat rooms for sleep researchers are now filled with such questions as:  could someone who is asleep actually dream of having a daydream of being asleep while dreaming of being awake?

GINGRICH THROWN OUT OF REPUBLICAN PARTY FOR REMARKS ABOUT OBAMA KIDS

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 17-10-2011 in Election 2012, Politics
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WASHINGTON.  The Republican Party officially kicked out Newt Gingrich for saying possibly nice things about President Obama’s  kids.

The issue arose during a campaign dinner appearance by former House Speaker Newt Gingrich in Iowa at the Ames Republican Club.  In the question-and-answer period after his well-received speech where he gave a vicious critique of every aspect of the Obama presidency, Gingrich was asked about his views of the Obama family.  “I guess the kids are OK,” answered Gingrich.

Persons present said the room went silent. Philippa Anderson who was there said,  “You could hear a pin drop.  Then the boos started, low key at first, then overwhelming.”  Gingrich looked startled and left the podium when the outraged crowd began to throw food, glasses, and small waiters.

Late that night after a rushed telephone conference call the Republican National Committee formally ousted Gingrich and issued a public apology.  “Newt violated the First Principle of Republicanism:  Never, ever say anything nice about Hussein Obama or anything he has anything to do with.”

Gingrich issued his own statement apologizing for the “slip up.”  “In the heat of a campaign sometimes a candidate will unintentionally say something flat out wrong.  What I meant to say was that I am sure the kids are at risk of serious mental harm by their constant exposure to socialism and anti-American thought that permeates the Obama White House. At the least, the child welfare authorities should launch an intensive investigation that will likely lead to having the kids removed from the Obama influence and placed in a real American home.”

 

FIVE-YEAR-OLD STARTS NEW DIET FAD

Posted by Farkley Bugg on 16-09-2011 in Human Body
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Farmington, Iowa.   Ella Williams, an energetic five-year-old lost a front tooth and revolutionized the worldwide quest for an effective diet method.

As if by divine manipulation, Ella happened to weigh herself on the family’s new digital scale.  A few minutes later she lost an upper front tooth that had been loose for a few days.  Just for fun, she then weighed herself again.  Ella and her family were shocked that she had lost seven ounces.

“I had no idea her tooth was so heavy,” said her father, Jonathan Williams, a professional poker player.  When Kristin Williams, Ella’s mom and a publicist for the entertainer will.i.am,  described the weight loss on her Twitter account and put a video of the tooth coming out on YouTube, the video soon became viral and her Twitter account was flooded with comments from all over the world.

Dentists everywhere have reported they are overwhelmed by people, primarily women, who want teeth pulled in order to lose weight.  Since back teeth weigh more than front teeth, most of the requests are to extract the large molars which can weigh as much as nine ounces.

Dr. Pierre LaBouche, a Paris dentist, reported that one of his patients had eight teeth removed, losing almost four pounds.  “The beauty of this form of dieting is that it is permanent and the pain lasts only a few weeks,” said Dr. LaBouche.  “Plus you can continue to eat as much as you want, though many of my patients find it best to avoid certain foods that require heavy-duty chewing.”

Colleen O’Kennedy, President of the International Association of Tooth Fairies (IATF), issued a press release endorsing the new diet fad but cautioning that the tremendous increase in lost teeth would strain her already overworked band of tooth fairies.  “I just hope people are patient,” she said.  “We have not had this volume of work since that communist-inspired fluoride was thrust upon innocent children.”